Friday, April 27, 2007

ZX-The Guns. The Feast. The Brows. Oh My.

Went Wednesday morning to meet with National Lampoon. I love comedies. I hate how we're losing all our freaking comedians to the I Have To Win An Oscar Competition. Jim Carrey, you're funny. What are you doing? Tom Hanks, gone. If Will Ferrell starts doing dramas, I'll take him out myself. Which brings me to another subject:

The Gun Range.

I picked up my friend Tuesday, fat, bald, 65, you know the guy, and I noticed that he only has one eye. I didn't want to ask because he seemed very embarrassed about it. The reason we took my car was because his socket was on the right, and he was trying to hide it. I started laughing, but mumbled something about low blood sugar.

Let's talk about her car shall we? ZX has a very nice convertible, and she said we should take her car so she could put the top down. I asked her if she was going to be embarrassed to be seen with me with the top down, but she said that she wanted to see the fat on my cheeks jiggle in the wind.

We cruised around Santa Monica and Venice looking for a patio eatery.

She makes it sound pleasant and Southern Cali-ish, but in actuality it was a thirty minute terror ride because ZX has a goal to never come to a complete stop. So, she is sitting there weaving in and out of traffic, hair blinding her, open purse in her lap and checking her cell phone every five minutes while swerving, cussing, chatting, and looking amazingly beautiful all at the same time.

Finally, we sat ourselves down at a seafood place.
We were seated next to a man celebrating his 36th anniversary and his spectacular eyebrows.


We gorged ourselves on seafood and rolled away in pursuit of firearms.

We decided to share a few things because ZX was concerned I might have a heart attack. The problem is that when you share food with ZX you have to be really quick. Like lightning. Most women in Hollywood just pick at their food. ZX has a whole different game. She really only eats one meal a day and so when she eats, she's hungry. She was simultaneously using chopsticks from our appetizer and a fork to attack two plates at once. Her only pause was when she distracted me long enough to take a shrimp off my fork and put it on hers. When you look at her, she just smiles like an innocent angel and you realize that you maybe had two bites of food but really just don't care.

We ended up at The L.A. Gun Club and my friend asked, "Have you been here before?" I said "Yes, but it's not like they'll recognize me or anything." We walk in, the guy says, "You've been here before."

I'm guessing they don't get many women coming in who are wearing dresses and four inch heels to come fire guns.


I shot a Smith and Wesson .357 Revolver, but was shaking so badly as I do in all life and death situations that I was only able to puncture the spleen, lung, (twice) liver, spinal column, heart, and cerebellum.

They actually had all those organs labelled, and for all you non-gun people, the paper targets are the outline of THE BACK of a man's head,which I think is in pretty poor taste.
I on the other hand shot some type of Beretta with a clip. Well, I had never fired a gun before and it takes some getting used to. I kept trying to load the clip and was having a tough time with the safety and cocking the gun. There were three gentlemen there from a local gang who stopped laughing long enough to help me many times. They also offered to help fire my rounds while also staring non-stop at ZX's legs. When she had a problem emptying her revolver, they practically killed themselves to help her. Meanwhile, they let me look into the barrel to make sure there were really no more unfired bullets. A note to those of you going to fire guns. It seems that if you are having a problem with a gun, the people at the counter appreciate it if you don't come over to them waving the gun and complaining about it at the same time. Something about gun safety which was mumbled as they were all taking cover beneath the counter.

I'm getting the different colored heads framed, though, like a twisted Andy Warhol. We managed to bring home an intact target which I'm going to use as a Pin-the-Tail-On-The-Corpse, at my pinata Enchilada party, as soon as I can get my house clean. Gonna have to have a Home Day soon because it's really getting out of control. I blame getting ready too fast. I have this view of myself of a fashion goddess who would look good in a gunny sack. So I layout what I'm going to wear, look in the mirror, scream, and tear my whole house to pieces looking for items I've loaned or do not own in the first place, and end up panting in a $5 dress.

I went to the rehearsal for the film and the director is so tickled to have me doing such a tiny role that he won't shut up about it. "Thank you, ZX, We're so honored you decided to do this movie, ZX!" And I told him "Chill out. I'm really looking forward to working with you. Now you'd better write me an Assassin movie for real next time," and he said "Okay."

I went to the Fashion District to pick out Coachella clothes from Miss 60, and the outfit the lady had selected looked like infant Osh Kosh B'Gosh overall cutoffs that I couldn't get one leg into. They really have a shorts fetish which is fine as long as you are:


?
?
?


Well I was trying to make a list of people who look good in shorts but I couldn't come up with anyone. Maybe Cameron Diaz but even Nicole, I think, wears shorts to make her look beefier. If you have a "donkey butt and some big 'ole legs," you get the double bubble no matter what size it says on the label. Shorts? Sheesh.So I tore outside to Los Angeles Street for the $10 fashions- see? I splurged- and was very impressed by their racket. They don't put any mirrors in the fitting rooms so if you want to see your reflection, you must strut it in the main cabin of the store where they've hired a personality to tell you how"AMAZEEEN!" you look. One girl was so boisterous, I bought myself a strapless dress without "an eighth of the bod to fill the freaking bust up." -Sammy Baker Davis Jr.

Maybe Elyse Walker could use their customer service tips but one of you already pointed out that I probably bought those shoes to prove to that bitch that I could afford to shop there. Which is 100% true and I was sweating profusely under the sheep's hat, hoping I actually had that much money in my checking account when they ran my card. In all honesty, I got some lovely pieces from Miss 60, one dress in particular that No Pants might consider. It said it was a shirt on the label, but with some tugging and coddling, looks rather bodacious. Drove to my new best friend's house and we spent three hours gossiping and eating a five pound barrel of chocolate covered popcorn. Then I went to the gym.

*If this seems boring it's because it's the second time I've written it. The first time got erased, and I swear, I with the elbows and self awareness of a gosling or three year old, I have destroyed a fraction of the things that my computer has. So bear with me. I was so livid, ENT said "Remind me never to make you mad," and I think I might have hung up on him.

In full disclosure, she hangs up on me frequently. Honestly, computers drive her mad when something goes wrong. ZX is a world champion cusser and her favorite thing in the world is to yell at me for five minutes using every possible word combination that can realistically go with F**k and then hang up. She then just goes back and redoes what needs to be done. Most people would just say forget it and that's why ZX along with many other reasons is truly amazing.

54 comments:

Anonymous said...

A girl who can swear is a girl after my own heart! Why is it when guys swear it's okay,but when a woman swears everyone comes unglued? At least that's what I've experienced (frequently). Sounds like you two had a great day shooting guns. It's a great way to kill some aggression and make new friends. Keep the writing coming ZX because I think your good at it. You got skills! Have you written any screenplays yet? Well gotta go pretend I'm working. It's friday and dead quiet in here.

bmini said...

You two are such teases with those photos!!! But I love it.

Anonymous said...

ZX you rock!

Pinky said...

ZX - thanks for the description of Enty. I know EXACTLY who he is.

Anonymous said...

yipe.

Twisted Sister said...

Based on the way ZX drives and the colorful language she uses, I now know who she is.

Me.

Anonymous said...

Love your posts ZX. The mystery as to who you are is soo fun. I don't think I'd want to know who you are.

Ok that's a lie :-)

Keep 'em comin'

Anonymous said...

Pinky! Me too! Go back to this link - http://www.crazydaysandnights.net/2007_03_04_archive.html and scroll down to the "Saturday Poker Night" entry and right clink on the picture with Don Cheadle and some others playing poker. The file name for the picture says "dc+is el in this picture". We foun him! We found him!

Anonymous said...

After seeing the photos it's definitely DS. Also, I pissed her off by something I wrote on another page and she wrote back. Sorry :( I had to throw out the bone to see if ZX would bite and she did. Nothing personal, it was just driving me crazy and I had to know for sure who she was. I'm sure she is a very nice girl who doesn't drink or smoke, but should know there is some stuff on the internet that is out there for the whole world to read. There is a website totally dedicated to trashing every movie she has been in and I swear it has to be written by some crazy ass ex boyfriend. I like alot of her movies.

Pinky said...

Oh anon 11:29am - I was being facetious! (BTW - I tried to find 'Waldo' in the photo, but to no avail ...)

11:32am - 'she wrote back' - how'd she do that? And what'd you say to piss her off?

Anonymous said...

DS? Share what this means as well as the movie bashing site.

Anonymous said...

Who's DS?

Anonymous said...

I'm not getting how those who claim to be in the know seem unwilling to share their thoughts w/ the others. What's w/ all of the cryptic b/s?

Anonymous said...

Pinky, I think he's the one sitting next to the guy that's sitting next to Cheadle. Long sleeve grey pinstripe shirt, glasses, and bald spot :)

Anonymous said...

For those who don't know what DS stands for - go to the CDAN message board and read through the "Who is ZX?" thread. No one is keeping anything from anyone - it's all there for everyone to read.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous 11:55am.
Watcha wanna make people work for it.
Why not just answer the??
Weird.

mary mac said...

Anon 11:32

Why are you trying to piss off ZX? That doesn't make any sense. You come on here, post anonymously and then try to goad ZX into an argument? It's pretty pathetic that you talk about her ex boyfriend with a mean website about her, yet you are bashing her just the same.

Why don't you crawl back under the "anonymous" rock from whence you came!

Anonymous said...

11:55 - I just wanted to let them know that this has been discussed at great length in the message board and that those that know what DS stands for are not purposely withholding information. But I guess going to THIS site's message board is just tooo much work for some people. It's not hard to click the link to the board, which is the FIRST item in the link index.

On another note, ALOT of us have been doing alot of the research so why should we HAVE to just blurt it out to those that want to know but are too lazy to google anything.

-Stepping off my soap box now

Anonymous said...

Oops, this is "soap box" and that last comment was for 12:02, not myself, LOL :)

Anonymous said...

Anon 12:09
Did you want us to promise you a little gold star if you get it right first? Really bizarre behaviour. Soapbox is right.

Anonymous said...

SO THEN ZX IS DOMINIQUE SWAIN????

Anonymous said...

Nope, gold star is not what I'm looking for. Just tired of people not wanting to do the work to figure out the BI's. And I'm sure Hez will agree. And I'm sure you'll ask why I post anonymously - I'd rather not let people know who I am b/c they'll attack me just like they did JeezeLouise, poor thing. COME BACK JEEZE!

And BTW - me, soapbox and 12:09 are the same person. I think you're a bit confused.

Anonymous said...

Well I still am unsure about who ZX is, but I really don't think that she is Christina Ricci as she was in DC this week.

GGA

Anonymous said...

does anyone know if that is who she is?? Is ZX Dominque Swain- it has to be she was born in 1980 like Christina Ricci

Anonymous said...

love the sixteen candles reference, zx!

Anonymous said...

I'm clearly aware of which posts are yours.
All I'm saying is don't post a comment and then, on the pretense that you're 'working' so hard to unveil the truth, tell people to go to a message board to look for your words of wisdom.
If you're too big to write a concise opinion in this outlet then confine yourself to those worker bees in the message boards instead of dangling senseless carrots in front of those who aren't making a career out of this.
I'm out of this banter now. I do hope that you'll feel indulged by way of the knowledge that you held the correct answer once the truth is revealed. No, I'm not being sarcastic --

Anonymous said...

DS: David Soul.

Anonymous said...

those ARE some spectacular eyebrows!

lc said...

anon 12:02 and 12:11.

I guess you haven't been reading these posts if you don't know. There are people who don't want to have to answer given to them but want to figure it out themselves.

whats weird about that?

Twisted Sister said...

Boy, it sure is easy to be nothing more than a shit-stirrer, when 98% of the posters go by the same name.

Anonymous said...

LC! My point exactly! The fun part is actually doing the leg work and then finding the answer! It all goes back to homework in school - there are those that will do it everday and then there are those that don't but have no problem asking the one that did the homework if they can copy their answers. Obviously, I was the one that did their homework :)

12:22 - DS was also born on the 12th day of the month, as was Rose.

And one last thing - yes, we don't know for sure if it is her... but at least we've done plenty of research to support our guess and most signs point to DS.

-Soapbox :)

Anonymous said...

Nope, gold star is not what I'm looking for. Just tired of people not wanting to do the work to figure out the BI's. And I'm sure Hez will agree. And I'm sure you'll ask why I post anonymously - I'd rather not let people know who I am b/c they'll attack me just like they did JeezeLouise, poor thing. COME BACK JEEZE!

And BTW - me, soapbox and 12:09 are the same person. I think you're a bit confused.


From the above quote....I'm sure Hez will agree. Who gives a crap what Hez thinks and what is she the boss of this place?

Twisted Sister said...

For all you brainiacs who want everyone here in the comments section to keep their eyes on their own papers - why don't you limit your discussion of all you know to the message board you keep talking about? Coming here and bringing it up and talking in code, and then refusing to answer people's questions when they ask them, seems like nothing more than a sophomoric attempt to gain attention. You don't want people asking here? Then YOU should stop talking about how much you THINK you know here.

Anonymous or not, you're really transparent.

Anonymous said...

Ok, so I did a little digging on the web and came across some photos taken by Tao Raspoli (sp?) the husband of Olivia Wilde (who coincidentally may have been the subject of a recent BI).

Anywhoo, look at DS's arms in this pic and compare them to the pic of her holding a gun.

http://www.kinomadic.com/dominique/pages/IMG_8674.htm

Also, someone said it can't be DS since her website says she lives with her sister, but that website hasn't been updated since 2000.

sheesh, I am tired now...

Kim

Anonymous said...

Good job Kim!

Anonymous said...

Ok guys, lets try to keep this all in perspective. There is no need for all the attitude here. When you think about it, all we are doing here is obsessing over celeb's lives... not really something that constitutes argumentative behavior. There are much more important things to get worked up about like the war, global warming, etc. So let's keep that in mind ;)

Oh, and DS stands for Dominique Swain for those who are completely lost :)

Dorothy said...

I love the idea of the twisted Andy Warhol - and it might scare whomever is haunting/stalking your house.

Anonymous said...

As a long time reader, I can't think of one time when jeeeze louise was attacked. Hez, yes, and deservedly so. In answer to the poster who wonders if she's the boss of this (how silly), I would have to say SHE thinks so.

mom

allyuk said...

I enjoyed reading about your day as always ZX, thanks for going into so much detail, Ent too. You're both such teases posting those pics:)

Sounds like you two had fun at the gun club, I'd have probably coped as well as Ent.




(I don't understand why everyone's arguing, this is supposed to be a fun thread - it's all so pointless, chill out)

Anonymous said...

if you go to imdb.com and look up Dominique Swain there are some pics of her in a low cut dress...she has the same freckles and markings as the in the purple dress pic here.

ellebee said...

Has anyone checked if DS has a tattoo? Off to Google.

Anonymous said...

It's DS....go to wikopedia and look her up...you'll find that she was born in her father's car.

A Green Datsun 260Zx.

ZX=DS

That was FUN!!!!

Twisted Sister said...

If you go to her website, you'll see her feet don't look small on her 5'9" body, so the big shoes would make sense.

http://www.dominiqueswain.org/pic/pictures.html

Check out the above pic to see what I mean.

operaghost said...

BAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA! Love it!

>>Tuesday, fat, bald, 65, you know the guy,>>

I don't believe a WORD of this. ;>


O.G.

Anonymous said...

EL is Chunk

mngddess said...

Hey Enty - can we ask ZX some questions? Like, has she ever had to kiss a guy on film that she wasn't particularly attracted to? That would be my worst fear as an actress - that they pair me with someone I'm repulsed to be around.

I was also wondering, Enty-poo, if anyone has actually guessed who ZX is. I am personally leaning towards Dominique Swain.

Thanks!

Cyn

B :) said...

enty: Is only a lil chunk :)

B :) said...

I'm kidding.....
I have no idea. :P

Claudea said...

Hi everyone, I know I've been asking this for a few times but it would be REALLY great if we all could use nicknames (instead of anonymous)... It's not like we have personnal info to hide.

Soapbox, I know you don't want to be attacked but if we would all identify ourselves, I strongly believe it would serve the opposite purpose. Call me naive, but I think it would be much more pleasant and we could avoid cheap shot/misunderstandings/etc especially when we addressed each other.

Alright, THANKS! :)

amy said...

alas, the message board really can't be sought out as refuge for people to thrash this information out in a less public forum. i won't be going back there.

that said, i don't think zx is dominique swain, and that world tour poker photo, i think--*if EL really exists* is on the very right side of the photo practically an afterthought and barely in the picture.

Anonymous said...

I'm back to thinking this is Mandy Moore

Anonymous said...

I don't think ZX is real, but I just wanted to know (to the writer(s): Why is it that people are always supposed to think it is so adorable and "free-spirited" that a young woman: Doesn't pay her bills; wears a "funny" hat and unconventional clothes; swears profusely and gives someone she (supposedly) recently met the finger and also hangs up on them like a baby, and drives recklessly and steals food off of someone's fork? I guess we are supposed to find these traits endearing because she is so "gorgeous," but as a woman I don't care how cute or witty she thinks she is, I would think she was trying too hard to be "free-spirited" and I would find her fake and annoying.

meme said...

What I really want to know is, where'd you get that dress? :)

meme said...

and what shoes did you wear with it? :D