Wednesday, May 16, 2007

ZX Meets A Snake. No, Not Joe Francis.

I'm just gonna stick one toe out. Don't bite it, just give it a little snakey lick- Bill Cosby

I can't believe I still go to the orthodontist- the same one I have been going to since I was a teenager, with a cowboy mural on the wall and cartoon reminders about appointments and aides who wear basic pajamas with "T"-is for tooth, "B" is for brush, "F" is for floss" uniforms. I am not a good patient, my dog eats my retainers, I'm always out of town and sometimes I just have better things to do. But, every six months or so, I head back into the office and get stared at by bewired kids. "Mom, why is that woman in my chair?" With all my anti plastic surgery propaganda, I am doing the same cosmetic crap to my appearance, but it's just more accepted to unbeguile your smile.

I got home from my appointment to grab my swimsuit and a cup of coffee, but while I was aerolatteing my milk,I saw a new pipe installed outside. Wondering what my deranged landlord was up to now, I scampered outside and the pipe started slithering! I Skittered back inside, grabbed my camera and a chair and started snapping away. It probably whored itself into my yard for the media attention- not shy at all, and I was getting some great shots, when it RATTLED!

I couldn't believe it. Rattlers are these engorged creatures with huge rattles- I've seen them a million times in the hills where I grew up- this bastard was way too skinny to be a rattlesnake! Guess there are fewer comestible rodents in my neighborhood, so now I was in a bind. Do I stay still like with a tyrannosaurus in Jurassic Park, or make a run for it. According to The Discovery Channel, I was already well within striking distance, and it writhed ever nearer. It was just then that my cowardly dog decided to make a heroic effort and bounded in the yard. I scooped her up, ran into the house, locked the sliding door and screamed for my life.

Then I went to the internet and Googled 'California Rattlesnake,' recognized those diamonds and entered a renewed shrieking frenzy. Every time I pulled back the curtain and peered out, he was still there, having taken up permanent residence under the planted stick that used to be an avocado tree until said dog decided she hated avocados, trees, and flora in general and ate it. I would throw the curtain back and yelp and shudder a little until I got up the courage to look again. I wanted the snake to leave so the dog could have the yard back, so I started throwing things at it, and then slamming the door closed.

Finally it left, and I got back up on the chair and sprayed the hole it went into with the hose. I don't know if that will work, but what do you do in that situation? Have the animal removed? Fill the holes with cement or Snake-B-Gone? I wanted to chop its head off and spear it on a popsicle stick to warn any other fork tongued fiends not to try anything rash, but at heart I'm a coward.

36 comments:

Anonymous said...

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That was the answer, now a panic attack?
realy

betsnup said...

I'm having a mild attack just reading your post...I hate snakes! You are brave for even taking pictures...

brendalove@gmail.com said...

Oh.My.God.

I can't stand snakes.
*shudders*
I'm glad he didn't bite you.

brendalove@gmail.com said...

Oh.My.God.

I can't stand snakes.
*shudders*
I'm glad he didn't bite you.

brendalove@gmail.com said...

Sorry, I labouted.

Dorothy said...

Holy shite that thing is huge! I must say I would have done the same thing but would have also been calling my dad begging for help.

Damn, now I don't want to put my feet on the floor.

Anonymous said...

Rattlesnakes are MEAN! They will bite their victims repeatedly. Stay far, far away!

You are braver than I am ZX; no way would I have gotten as close as you did. Yes, that is a skinny snake (maybe it is a young one?), but the teeth are as sharp and the venom as poisonous as its larger brethren.

bionic bunny! said...

okay, every body move along, nothing to see here.

dearest ZX, the good news is:
that is a gopher snake. i don't know where the rattle came from, but look at that fellow's head. viper type snakes have a very triangular head. it can still bite, but it has little needle teeth. they generally don't bite if you don't bother them.
i used to have to rescue my neighbors constantly from a variety of garden snakes. big brave men, too!
i had a gopher snake about that size several years ago. he's actually a good snake, will eat your mice and rats and stuff.
-buns

Anonymous said...

Yikes. Too close for comfort. I used to small gardner (sp?) snakes. That thing is huge. Definitely understand the shrieking fits.

Tracee

sahm said...

Curious about what you saw when you googled California Rattlesnake ZX, because it doesn't look anything like the snake you saw.
Also if you had googled California Rattlesnake you also would have seen plenty of sites that would have told you what you should have done had you actually seen a Rattlesnake.
Now - I'm not saying ZX is not real - so haters stop hating - but I am saying that perhaps she embellishes the truth just a tad bit. Something to remember kids when you are reading her stories.

sahm said...

And bionic bunny was right - just a little more looking and found that that is indeed a gopher snake.
From californiaherps.com
"Gophersnakes are one of the most commonly seen snakes in California. Primarily active during the day, they are also
active after sundown on hot days. They are often observed crawling across trails and roads, especially in the morning and
evenings when daytime temperatures are high. They are frequently seen around human dwellings, including suburban
backyards, attracted to the rodents which thrive in such areas.
Harmless gophersnakes are often mistaken for the more dangerous rattlesnakes and unnecessarily killed. It is easy to avoid this mistake by learning to tell the difference between the two families of snakes as shown in these signs. Unless you have experience handling venomous snakes, you should never handle a snake unless you are absolutely sure that it is not dangerous."
Check it out - there's pictures and everything. :)

Breaker said...

Yes people, but isnt it more entertaining to think it was a rattler? I mean after all, isnt this what this blog is for - for us to be entertained? Besides its her subjective account of life.

Most of you have this innate need to be right and corrective all the damn time.

Tough crowd

Ok im ready for ZX to be revealed, apparently everyone else is too since they have stopped guessing.

Really dont think is DS btw.

Anonymous said...

LOL Californiaherps.com ... does it have a pic of Paris on the front page?

-spressogrl

Anonymous said...

My 5 yo daughter saw a snake in our yard a couple of days ago. Only thing she said very seriously was "Ooohh, it's perfect".
Creeped us out a bit.

-spressogrl

brendalove@gmail.com said...

I don't stop to contemplate the species, I just get the hell out of there!

Anonymous said...

FYI - the dominique swain guess has another clue. DS was selected by Adrian Lyne for Lolita (first film role) because of her sexy smile with shiny braces.

Hez said...

Ent, you PROMISED to reveal ZX's identity in May. It's the 16th now... tick tock!

Anonymous said...

I hope ZX is someone else, because I've never heard of Dominique Swain until this website. Then I checked IMDB and haven't seen any of her movies. I love her blogs though!

theflock07 said...

"Snakes? Why did it have to be snakes?"

I don't know the difference between a rattler and a garden snake but that thing would have scared the crap out of me.

Anonymous said...

Sahm...


Zzzz...your need to correct tires me.

lizz said...

my orthodontist has a cowboy mural on his walls! i wonder if one miss ZX and i have the same ortho...

Jem said...

Glad you're okay, ZX! I love snakes, but we don't have them in New Zealand so I can't imagine actually poisonous ones in day-to-day life.

Anonymous said...

Labouted - LMAO - Love you Brenda!

from a regular anon that has no issue with you.

Anonymous said...

How come no one has guessed Laura Preppon for zx?

Anonymous said...

No snakes, Jem, but you NZers have the worst spiders ever! Two words: Funnel Web!
Juju

Anonymous said...

What the heck is a funnel web?

Anonymous said...

Is ZX Christina Ricci?

Anonymous said...

Love this site, read it everyday. I must say, though, I was crazy interested when everyone wanted to figure out ZX(myself included), and now I have sort of slacked off the guessing. Everyone simply enjoys reading the posts. I want the hunger back ZX!!!Please, give more photo clues. (I know everyone thinks ZX is DS-myself included here also) Remember how crazy everyone was over the pool photo!? Good Times!! Still a great read!!

Anonymous said...

Sorry! Forgot to Not be so anon. (9:24) Me
ManD

Anonymous said...

yeah, that's probably a gopher. you must've been frightened though. well, maybe not, probably just a fun adrenaline surge.

will the posts stop once zx is revealed?

lexi

Jerry said...

From Sahm...

perhaps she embellishes the truth just a tad bit

Then there's a lesson to be learned here: never let truth get in the way of a good story.

Anonymous said...

Please don't hurt the snake. I can't understand why people are afraid of snakes. They are there because there is some kind of food for them. And you really don't want their food running around.

Please stop hating snakes, everyone.

Stop the snake hate!

sahm said...

Right on Jerry. She definitely tells a good story. I just thought all those anons and otherwise who seemed to have gotten so worked up when she said she pretended to be handicapped as a child or the story about her skitzo friend, etc. could use a reminder that all that is written is not necessarily true.
And I'm with Hez - let's have that reveal already Ent. :)

Anonymous said...

ZX, did you appear in the issue of OK magazine with Denise Richards on the cover?

tigereye said...

ewwww...it's freaky long!! i hate hate snakes, they creep me out!!! ick. hopefully it'll stay gone!

bionic bunny! said...

i didn't mean to sound uppity... i thought ZX should be comforted to know she didn't have a poisonous squatter.

it is EXTREMELY easy to confuse snakes, expecially if you are surprised by one, AND are afraid of them. always better to be safe than sorry.

hang in there, ZX.