Friday, July 06, 2007

Ted C. Blind Item

Bulbous Seymour is one fine piece o' man-lovin’ meat. Not a bad actor, either. But Bulbous knows—just like most audiences and H-town execs are aware—that his best talents lie not on the silver screen but in the golden nether regions of B.S.’ impressive bod. Yeah, he’s a stud. And what do studs do best?

Now, before I get too carried away on whatever (or whomever) Bulbous utilizes his heavenly powers for—this Blind Vice ain’t about him. Well, not exactly. See, Mr. Es has been doing what we here at the Awful Truth live for: gossiping about other closeted homosexual movie stars! Too fun for the hard-abbed tum! Delish, darlin's, so let’s get to whom B.S. is blabbin’ ‘bout:

Toothy Tile, natch. You were expecting Gussy 'n' Fussy, perhaps? Like, who cares about those ersatz het jokers anymore? (Not too many folks, I assure ya.) Nah, it’s all about Toothy Tile—and when the hell this gorgeous scaredy-puss is gonna disclose his sexual pref, already—and Bulbous knows this fagola factoid. So much so, he’s been mouthing off at chic Hell-Ay events about just how Toothy isn’t foolin’ anybody.

Well, I beg to differ. Had I been at this one par-tick fancy-schmancy soiree, I would have gladly explained to B.S. that half of Bush’s “Mare-kuh” thinks T.T. is as heterosexual as our current prez. Wait, Bush is straight, isn’t he? Don’t answer that, actually, do not want to go there…

Back to B.S., who’s clearly dying for Toothy’s sexuality to come to the surface so the media will ease off his dubious dame-doin' existence. Uh, word to the unwise wower: Boyfriend, you just keep on gettin’ higher 'n' higher at those swell dos you go to. You’ll be outing Toothy long before anybody like moi would ever dream of doing so.

37 comments:

Anonymous said...

God, he confuses me so....

-spressogrl

Anonymous said...

This screams Matt McC with the Texas references. Plus, he hung out with Toothy, er, Jake G lots last year. He should know. He's probably tired of all of the innuendo about his own sexuality. But,honey, it'll come out someday!

Tiny said...

Agree with the Matt McC guess!

Anonymous said...

Christ, T.C's prose style makes my brain hurt...
Yeah, I thought of McC straight away. Still not convinced that TT is Jake though.

Twisted Sister said...

This will probably be another blind that everyone agrees on. References to golden hair, being high, hard abs, dubious female-doin' existence - it all screams Matt McConaughey to me, too.

Twisted Sister said...

Anon 9:27 - everyone else has been eliminated at this point, BUT Jake G. And with so many people writing to Ted to ask, he would surely have been eliminated by now if it wasn't him.

Anonymous said...

so basically all the Hot guys are gay even if at some point they are taken by a hot girl...I'm joining a convent...


rockdiva

Hez said...

If, as many people believe, Ted C hints at the person's name with the number of syllables in their Tedified nickname, Jake G doesn't fit for Toothy Tile.

But Vince Vaughn does.

And "Bulbous Seymour" doesn't work for McConnagay either... Hmmmmm....

sasha said...

I refuse to believe that big old stallion VV is gay. Refuse, I say!

Anonymous said...

Vince Vaughn is not gorgeous--and that's what Ted constantly calls Toothy (who is Jake--deal with it). Also, Toothy is supposed to be young--in his 20s, born and bred in LA (based on clues) and two years ago, he was starring in a movie set to make a "sensual boyish splash" (Brokeback Mountain).

I truly don't understand why people are SO resistant to the idea of Jake being Toothy. Several months ago, I came across a juicy tidbit involving Jake and sent the info to Ted who called me about it. Guess what? Several weeks later, that tidbit appeared in Ted's Blind Vice as a Toothy Tile blind item! Case closed. Jake is Toothy. Next.

Anonymous said...

Hez said...
If, as many people believe, Ted C hints at the person's name with the number of syllables in their Tedified nickname, Jake G doesn't fit for Toothy Tile.
----------------------

Maybe sometimes Ted C. hints at the person's name with the number of syllables in their Tedified nickna, but not always.
An older BI from Ted, Rubba Rubba Release, is John Travolta.

Anonymous said...

Toothy is definetly Jake! Hey some of you seem to have the inside scoop...tell us more!!!!

rockdiva

(I live in Jersey...minimal celeb drama in the burbs)

Anonymous said...

Toothy tile is probably a reference to Moonlight Mile which Jake was in (and I really enjoyed, apparently being the only person who did) and came out at about the same time as Toothy Tile was created.

Anonymous said...

Anon 9:40: what was your toothy tile/jake g info? Spill it if you know it.

Twisted Sister said...

Vince Vaughn has already been eliminated, and Ted doesn't ALWAYS use the same number of syllables. Vince Vaughn has his own blind handle that Ted uses.

Anonymous said...

Gotta be Mateo talking about his biking buddy Jake.

Anonymous said...

obviously Matt & Jake

phillygirl said...

mateo and woody harrelson ...? a shot in the dark .. what does a carpenter do best? nail wood ..

Hez said...

I bow to all of your superior wisdom.

Anonymous said...

how about owen wilson for bulbous seymour?

Anonymous said...

What's the juice on Jake?? Did you see him out in public making out with Austin?

Anonymous said...

where???

Anonymous said...

9:40 don't tease like that. Tell us what you know.

Anonymous said...

or at least tell us which blind item came out of it, and whether it was accurate.

Anonymous said...

does someone have the ability to translate this to english?

Twisted Sister said...

Okay - but I don't get how people don't understand what he's writing.

Bulbous Seymour is one fine piece o' man-lovin’ meat. Not a bad actor, either. But Bulbous knows—just like most audiences and H-town execs are aware—that his best talents lie not on the silver screen but in the golden nether regions of B.S.’ impressive bod. Yeah, he’s a stud. And what do studs do best?

Translation: Bulbous Seymour is hot and is pretty good at acting, but he knows, just like most of his fans and Hollywood executives know, that his real talent lies not in acting but in what he can do with the lower half of his impressive body - because after all, what do studs do best?

Now, before I get too carried away on whatever (or whomever) Bulbous utilizes his heavenly powers for—this Blind Vice ain’t about him. Well, not exactly. See, Mr. Es has been doing what we here at the Awful Truth live for: gossiping about other closeted homosexual movie stars! Too fun for the hard-abbed tum! Delish, darlin's, so let’s get to whom B.S. is blabbin’ ‘bout:

Translation: Before I get carried away with this, let me say that the blind vice isn't about B.S. It's about the fact that B.S. has been doing what people who write and read the Awful Truth do - gossiping. Too fun for the hard abbed stomach, and that's delicious. Let's get to what he's actually been talking about, however.

Toothy Tile, natch. You were expecting Gussy 'n' Fussy, perhaps? Like, who cares about those ersatz het jokers anymore? (Not too many folks, I assure ya.) Nah, it’s all about Toothy Tile—and when the hell this gorgeous scaredy-puss is gonna disclose his sexual pref, already—and Bulbous knows this fagola factoid. So much so, he’s been mouthing off at chic Hell-Ay events about just how Toothy isn’t foolin’ anybody.

Translation: He's been talking about Toothy Tile! Were you expecting him to be talking about (don't know who Gussy is) and Kevin Spacey? Who cares about those two, who joke about being heterosexual? Not many folks. No, it's all about Toothy Tile and when the heck he's going to come out of the closet. B.S. so knows this to be a fact, that he's been telling everyone that Toothy isn't fooling anyone.

Well, I beg to differ. Had I been at this one par-tick fancy-schmancy soiree, I would have gladly explained to B.S. that half of Bush’s “Mare-kuh” thinks T.T. is as heterosexual as our current prez. Wait, Bush is straight, isn’t he? Don’t answer that, actually, do not want to go there…

Translation: Ted disagrees. He says that half of the nation thinks Toothy Tile is straight.

Back to B.S., who’s clearly dying for Toothy’s sexuality to come to the surface so the media will ease off his dubious dame-doin' existence. Uh, word to the unwise wower: Boyfriend, you just keep on gettin’ higher 'n' higher at those swell dos you go to. You’ll be outing Toothy long before anybody like moi would ever dream of doing so.

Translation: Back to B.S. It seems he only wants Toothy to be outed so the media will start talking about THAT and lay off their speculation about whether or not HE is straight. Ted warns him by telling him if he doesn't stop smoking pot, he'll be the one who outs Toothy long before people like Ted are ready to do so.

Make sense?

Anonymous said...

I agree that it is Owen Wilson.
Reasons:
1) Bulbous - 'bublous' is the perfect description of his nose
2) golden nether regions and stud-OW's nickname is Butterscotch Stallion
3) Also from TX

Anonymous said...

Gussy = George Clooney
Fussy = Kevin Spacey

Twisted Sister said...

Anon 12:19 - Owen Wilson is an interesting guess, but is he rumored to be gay?

Anonymous said...

It might not be that he is gay - there were lots of sex-toy kinky items re. Owen Wilson a while back.

Anonymous said...

Is the blonde Chicken of the Sea mermaid in the mermaid video supposed to be some reference to the very topical Jessica Simpson? ;)

Anonymous said...

Toothy Tile

B.S. Matthew McM---ALWAYS HIGH

Anonymous said...

so 9:40 - were you the busboy?

"First off, our fave, and top tumescent dawg, Toothy Tile: T2 was just caught at a fancy-ass New Yawk restaurant playing footsie with the b-f underneath the table. Right in front of Tooth's 'rents! And the busboys! Not to mention a few (thank gawd) Awful Truth readers, too fun. Tooth-doll, makes sense, as I hear you're getting thisclose to superdomesticating things with your most benevolently forgiving man. What, getting tired of the doin'-it-in-the-parking-lot scene, T-man? Regardless, congrats!"

Anonymous said...

Um Ted C doesn't call insiders for verification. He will respond to the email, and contact you that way.
Nice try.

bluegirl said...

Hey, anon 9.50am yeah that really fits. Very good call!
Look, I love Jake and I don't care if he's gay or bi or whatever, he's still hot, in fact if he is gay that's even hotter... ;-)

Anonymous said...

Owen isn't really known for his abs, though... he's pretty doughy at times.

I like the MattMc guess, myself.

Martin Devon said...

www.toothytile.com