Friday, November 16, 2007

Worse Than Government Dinosaurs


Tom Cruise, the little general himself is about to sign on the dotted line to play, brace yourself, Hugh Hefner. That's right, the little dwarf who has to use every ounce of his acting skill to act natural around one woman is now going to portray the most heterosexual man the world has ever known.

A friend of Tom's is quoted as saying, "Tom knows of Hugh's colorful past and thinks he would be the perfect person to bring it to the big screen."He also thinks the role would be a challenge for him, and would remind people of his versatility as an actor. At the moment people are concentrating on his personal life, and his marriage to Katie - but he wants to remind them that he can act too."

The role would be a huge challenge for him. First of all he is going to have to actually touch women, and not just with gloves on. Second, he is going to have to kiss them, and finally, I am guessing there might be a nude scene or two. While the ladies in those scenes will no doubt be happy that Tom doesn't rise to the occasion during filming, it may also prove awkward for all of us forced to watch the film.

If Tom Cruise did pull this off, then he would deserve a big six foot Oscar. If he gets a step ladder he can even look at it eye to eye. My guess is that after lots of thoughtful consideration, he will announce that he had been offered the role, but that out of respect for his wife, he just can't do it because she would be too jealous. Uh huh.

Why don't you just have her play Barbi Benton, and then you can turn this into Eyes Wide Shut 2 and force her to get naked while you prance around in a smoking jacket. Maybe Leelee Sobieski could show up for a day or two of filming, because we know how much you love her. She's a little tough with you, but you love her.

42 comments:

Khemenu said...

I know this would be just another version of shit, but I always thought Justin Timberlake reminded me of a young Hugh Hefner.

onecrazypeanut said...

One question please?

I thought that Katie was taller then Tiny Tom. Exactly how high are his heels?

tigereye said...

no way in hell would he be believable as Hugh. Like Ent said, the most heterosexual man in the world....like Laineyentertainment says, Cruise is a gay midget dwarf, how does that equal Hefner!?!
Peanut-hahahahahha there's so few full body pics of Tom, we never get to see his shoes! wonder how they hide the heels and the lifts!

mngddess said...

Ronald Mc Donald would be better suited to play Hugh Hefner.

Or maybe Mayor McCheese.

jax said...

It's too bad Michael Douglas is old as dirt,he'd make a great Hef.

I'm totally renting Falling Down this weekend.

onecrazypeanut said...

@Jax - Good call...Michael Douglas would have made a great HH.

*Falling Down....a personal fave of mine. I might just have to pull out my copy and have a watch.

~tyvm~ :)

Janele said...

I love how he gives us the answer to another blind. Leelee was the girl who met the guy (Tom) in Germany and didn't call her friend at the hotel. And her specialty must be the S&M like we all thought. Thanks Ent!

jax said...

i heard Leo was in talks for it as well..would make sense since he apparently was also born with the "don't date girls less than a perfect 10" gene like Hugh.

jenner said...

She's a little tough with you, but you love her.



Oooooh answer to a Blind......

jenner said...

Ooops, sorry Janele - yeah, what Janele said...LOL

lwall7 said...

Of all the names mentioned here, I think Leo would be the best choice (even if MD was 30 years younger). That being said, despite his well documented role as a prolific purveyor of pussy, there are many, many rumors suggesting that Hef does not qualify as the most heterosexual man in world. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Jolara said...

LMFAO!!!! WHO is casting this??? They obviously need an INTERVENTION.

I bet Hugh is pissed that Tom will be "ruining" his reputation if the got the part.

Kristen S. said...

Yeah, one of Hugh's chicks said he watches gays porn while bonin' his womenfolk. Nothing wrong with that!

I like the Leo suggestion.

lyz said...

I can't find that BI about Germany. I have a vague memory of it...can someone post the link? Was it the consensus that it was Tom Cruise??

Janele said...

Here is the blind:

This married award winning B list actor with very A list name recognition who won his awards as an A lister is CURRENTLY all alone while filming. There have been rumors that perhaps the marriage is a sham, and what happened in the past day or so may lend some credence to that rumor although it doesn't clear up the long standing rumor. A former female co-star was in town when there really was no real reason for her to be there. This female co-star who is known for a certain sexual lifestyle she maintains waited at her hotel until our actor was completely alone. A car was sent for the former co-star and she was driven to the place where our actor is currently staying. She stayed 36 hours and emerged early this morning and was driven back to her hotel while wearing the exact same clothes she had been wearing when she left 36 hours previously. The person she had come to town with was waiting in the lobby and had been waiting for much of the 36 hours. It seems as if our actress was only supposed to be gone 3 or 4 hours, and did not have a cell phone and did not call to tell her companion if she was ok or when she was coming home. It was this overheard heated discussion in the lobby that has the tongues wagging and the tabloids smelling blood. If the companion had been upstairs or the actress had been able to call, it is possible that no one would have ever known.

The main guess was Tom Cruise as the actor and Leelee Sobieski as the girl - apparently, she is into S&M. But the whole thing HAD to have been staged to make his look more manyly. Katie had JUST left to fly back to the states from Germany at that point. The 36-hours mentioned 3 times led someone to look it up, and apparently, it's some Nazi reference which is what led people to Cruise, since he is filming Valkyrie.

lyz said...

ahhhh.....how did I miss that explanation??

And why in the world would her "friend" wait for 3 days in the lobby?

thanks for the reminder!

Brenda22 said...

I totally thought of the blind item too. And speaking of gay actors, Jake G would be a good Hefner too, no?

Janele said...

Well, 36 hours is only a day and a half, but exactly. It was a setup to show the world how manly he is.

Janele said...

I love how the article with Lance says NOTHING about Jake, but the title "Friends with benefits?" has a pic of the two of them below it. Oh Jakey poo, just come out already!

Trix said...

LOL.

As a former Dominatrix, I ask you people,

how is being dominated by a woman in any way "manly"? You know thats what this is referencing, right? Chances are they might actually have a dalliance, if she makes him worship her strap on.

Sexuality is a lot harder to define than people think it is. In my opinion, it SHOULDNT be defined. Just because a man loves to suck and be sucked by men doesnt mean he cant get off by being whipped around by a woman. Its a totally mental thing, and for many people there are major triggers that can have little or nothing to do with gender.

Tara said...

Snort. The more he tries to prove he's totally hetero, the more convinced I am that he's not. He must be crapping his pants about the Morton biography. Oh man, I can't wait to get my grubby little hands on that book!

Trix said...

Im sorry, I said that in reference to the "setup" that Janele was talking about.

Janele said...

Trix, after reading your comment, I totally realize what you're saying is true. I didn't even think to look at it that way. You're totally right. Great call.

Dijea said...

Geez, another movie I will never see because it has Tom Cruise in it.

Dijea said...

Geez, another movie I will never see because it has Tom Cruise in it.

Twisted Sister said...

Oh, see, and I thought he kept her there for three days while he brainwashed her about Scientology....lol.

LOVE the Michael Douglas suggestion for HH. He's skanky enough to be believable. The person who cast TC must be the same one who cast Cate Blanchett as Bob Dylan. The perfect person to play Bob Dylan would have been Adam Sandler (see Reign On Me).

siwillia said...

I started laughing so hard when I read this, co-workers ran into my office to make sure I was OK. Just the thought of this casting, plus the hilarious remarks by ENT had me almost on the floor.

jax said...

don't be fooled people this is just another way for Tommy to delacare his love of pussy to everyone.

as if we beleive he loves anything more than his own ass. no pun intended.

Trix i agree sexuality has alot of gray areas but sorry find me a straight man who takes it in the brown and likes women...sorry to me that is called bisexual...not straight.

the only reason anyone cares either way is becasue he doth protest too much! he could come out wearing a pink boa, heels and singing Mame. We'd all say shrug and go back to watching Heroes.

Twisted Sister said...

Jax said:
"he only reason anyone cares either way is becasue he doth protest too much! he could come out wearing a pink boa, heels and singing Mame."


You mean the Toothy Tile came out (pardon the pun) on SNL singing the song from Dream Girls?

Trix said...

Jax, I feel ya on that, but the problem is, is that a lot of people define being gay by involving in same sex acts, and totally write the person off as homosexual, when in fact they may be bisexual, or dont have a particular preference. So we've been hearing about him being gay all this time, when in reality, maybe he IS bi...I've heard blind items reference maybe a little flip flopping on the issue with Tom, that sometimes he goes through a phase where he really believes he's not gay and has a taste for women...that could just be good ole fashioned bisexuality.

For all we know he could be gay in preference, but can get it up for anyone, male or female, who dominates him. Maybe he secretly loves being dominated by a woman so much that its the only way he can be with one. You just never, never know. Peoples desires and preferences differ wildly, but unfortunately they get one definitive all-inclusive label that isnt necessarily correct.

jax said...

ya i hear ya on that and agian i say find me a man who takes in the ass from ANOTHER man and declares he's straight? not going to happen..that is gay to be or bi..not straight.

if you are a man who fucks and likes getting fucked by men you ARE GAY.
any red blooded straight man out there can tell you...there is no grey area there...unless you are a republican in office.

jax said...

sorry i meantot add that i know way more gay men than straight and they all agree on that issue..you dont wake up one morning and feel like a lil cock for breakfast.

again..IMO

kellysirkus said...

Tom would be more believable in the role of Kyndra than Hugh

Trix said...

I'm not saying by any means that he's straight, I'm just saying he was probably mislabeled from the start.

bionic bunny! said...

trix, if you ever write a book, be sure and let us know, i think it would be fascinating (i never knew that about you)!

the only way tommy boy would be playing hef is if the scientologists are making the movie, IMHO. there would have to be a whole slew of actors hired to play him, as he's been very visible all these years.

what about ryan reynolds? who cares if he can ACT the part or not? HA! or maybe johnny depp? a girl can dream, can't she?

jax said...

anyone else i would agree..but there are no gay scientologists right? like ever...its sad that tommy needed to join a cult to avoid the bumclub.

brendalove@gmail.com said...

I just want Tom to GO AWAY

brendalove@gmail.com said...

I just want Tom to GO AWAY

bionic bunny! said...

well worth saying twice, brendalove! lol!

Sweater said...

I suppose it's no shock to see that you can't make your point without being over the top crude, Jax.

Grats on that.

lwall7 said...

I just heard that the film is to be directed by Brett Ratner, and feature Lilo as a bunny. This movie is going to suck. And not in a good way.

kelsey said...

"If Tom Cruise did pull this off, then he would deserve a big six foot Oscar. If he gets a step ladder he can even look at it eye to eye."

aaaaahahahahahahahahahahhhh