Friday, February 29, 2008

Ted C Blind Item

What did we say last week, that H-town’s full of nervous Nellies too ‘fraid to come outta the closet? Yep, that’s what we declared. And now, darlings, we’ve got Chumpy "Shepp" Impaled to prove it. Poor thing, he just doesn’t have any idea whatsoever he’s helping us with our little goss class project. Too bad.

Now, Chumpy’s not predictably handsome, but he is—we assure you—wholly doable in the sack (not that many folks would know, really). Terribly shy and certainly not out, this lad is. Kinda dorky, too. But like, girlfriends, when you nuzzle that boy’s neck and work the tasty dough down below just right, this baby’s slightly pudgy cookies are yours for the taking, trust!

Case in point: A terribly untrustworthy journalist, who shall remain nameless in this already anon tally of salaciousness, befriended CSI at a fairly small but awfully popular Hell-Ay gym. Chump-babe and the journo—let’s call him Schlong Wad, just for good measure—befriended each other in—get this—the showers. How romantic, eh? Let’s leave the dropped-soap analogies (they’re unnecessary, just read on) and mosey on over to the most fascinating fact. It’s that Chumpy, known for his lovable character work on the boob-tube, had never before had sex with a dude, though he’d always been curious. Oh, who the hell isn’t? (Shut up right now, B. Pitt, we so know you are.)

Next thing ya know, Schlong’s workin’ overtime with the compliments on Red’s many talents, which are, to be true, average. What a fabulous actor! How handsome! Such a gorgeous smile! All this poopy-cock that you chicks have been seein’ through for centuries, but Chump nevertheless totally bit, pickup line and sinker.

Right into S.W.’s Hollywood Hills digs and onto Mr. Wad’s mattress, which is precisely where Chumpy found out what it’s like to be the pea in Wad’s pod. Ouch! But Yum-O, declared Chumpy, like some sort of Rachael Ray orgasmic new naughty discovery. Such the shame that Wad, prick he be, is busy telling everybody he can.

38 comments:

NQ said...

God, Ted is a heinous writer, UGH. So, do we think the initials CSI means our guy is on one of the CSI shows? Or another "initial" drama? Hmmmm... *waits for others to chime in, who are inevitably way better at this!* :D

DNfromMN said...

chubby, red-haired, well-loved dude? ("Schlong’s workin’ overtime with the compliments on Red’s") No clue.

The aint's:
David Schwimmer, Kevin Connelly (turtle from Entourage), and Jimmy Kimmel

I can't think of anything those 3 have in common.

p m said...

I thought the same thing about the initialed nickname.

but i'm way too hungover to read a Ted C blind.
uuh! he's making my head spin!!

NQ said...

Long shot guess, but the multiple references to baking/cooking made Nathan Fillion pop into my head, who could be called a loveable character actor, was in Waitress (baking!) and his mother, funnily enough, is named Cookie. There was also a character on Firefly named "Shepp," which was the other reference that stuck out. The CSI thing could be a red herring? And his hair *could* be construed as strawberry blond, though that's a real stretch... *thinks*

Moosefan said...

Hmmm...I love Ted, but reading his stuff is like reading a blog from a meth head!!!
Love ya Teddy-when are you going to do a big reveal??? Now that would be soooooo worth it!

Twisted Sister said...

I like Ted, but I happened to read the rest of his column today and it pissed me off. He goes on and on about how people were visiting the set and John Corbett was a real sweetheart to people while Charlize Theron was a mega-bitch, but he feels she's justified because she's working. Give me a break. She's a fucking bitch because she's a fucking bitch.

nq - good guesses. I don't the initials are a hint.

canadachick said...

David Caruso.......done

jlb said...

LMAO We used to call Nathan "Nate The Great" in high school - was totally hetero then...dated a friend of mine and they made out in my kitchen...lmao

I was totally going to guess him for the blind the other day from the Acadamy Awards blinds about the Clister with the escort.

Twisted Sister said...

David Caruso known for his lovable character work? Sounds like it's not done.

classy_stoner said...

Andy Richter. Red hair, lovable character actor, chubby, shy...

blooter said...

Andy Richter is a solid guess. He's adorable.

Twisted Sister said...

I think Ted would have mentioned the guy was married if he was.

jax said...

Dnfrmn Kevin plays Eric not turtle.

JLB- THANK YOU!!!!! i love my lil blue guys,very cool.

Oh I like the Richter guess.

Bryn said...

Using the terms "lad" "baby" and "boy" leads me to believe it's someone pretty young.

wildflower said...
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jlb said...

Hey Jax - Glad they got there and glad you liked 'em!! You're most welcome and if I come across any other cool Smurf stuff I'll throw it your way. :) I'm curious to see what the company is going to do closer to the movie release - maybe some cool promo crap - hard to say.

Happy Smurfin Leap Year!

DNfromMN said...

jax - whoops. I've only watched Entourage once or twice. I was proud of myself I was able to identify him as part of the cast. :)

Andy Richter is good guess. I wanted to say Mario Batali (and his orange crocs), but he's not an actor.

canadachick said...

well since twisted didn't like my caruso guess how about Tate Donavan...Irish name (lad), still boyish looking....connected to the ain't David Schwimmer - reddish coloured hair

heather said...

i think the common thread between them is the 'sidekick' or supporting role character (friends, entourage, the man show). so, andy richter totally fits as the sidekick/supporting role from his conan o'brien days.

klown said...

can someone translate this one?

klown said...
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tania said...

jlb,
"Nate The Great" - hee!
I've talked to Fillion a bit at cons and for what it's worth, he seemed very straight to me, too.
Besides, Ted talks as if the guy is chubby. Not Nathan, then.

nq,
"There was also a character on Firefly named "Shepp"
Huh? There was a black guy called Book who was a 'shepherd' and a reddish-blond called Wash, but no 'Shepp' that I recall. Wash was played by Alan Tudyk, and I don't think he fits the clues....

captivagrl said...

this could be Tom McGowan. he does mostly tv character work. kinda the lovable dufus guy. he was frasier's station mgr and did some raymond shows.

nothingsacred said...

as long as its not JKras... lol
None of the clues really strike me as him. I feel bad, but I think I want to do him.
Though I guess it would be a little awkward. I should put him on my list of "free passes", Especially since it hasn't been updated since Joe Strummer died. heh Oh, and I want to knock current day John Cusack off of it.

Ice Angel said...

Andy Richter is married, so I highly doubt this is him. Plus he's got two kids. Not that that means anything, just that I think Ted would have mentioned it in the Blind.

bflogurl said...

I am not super familiar with Ted, but does "Chumpy" = "Chubby"?? I don't think so...

I *realllly* want to say Zack Braff for this one....

Denis said...

Seth Green.

I win!

Sexecution said...

Ted makes all this up, nobody gives him any dirt or gossip. He's hanging on to that job at E! by a thread. Ted's a bitter, alky that nobody likes.True.

Lisa said...

well, who do you think the journalist is? All I keep thinking is Perez...

Judi said...

Perez at a gym? Bwah-ha-ha. Then again, the description "terribly untrustworthy" and "prick" do fit.

Judi said...

Sexecution, incorrect. I've passed plenty of dirt to Ted. He works his program. Everyone loves the guy; It's Seacrest they hate.

vicki said...

Just kind of makes you wonder who Seacrest is sucking off so he can be everywhere.

I like Ted, can't fucking stand that little ferret, Gaycrest.

Moonmaid said...

Ted's great - he emails back to those who write him, and his emails are very warm and funny. Doesn't strike me as a bitter person, and I've known plenty. He was really one of the first to do internet gossip, long before that idiot suckup Perez, whom I just cannot stand.

Moonmaid said...

I do think that Seacrest has pictures of network execs with farm animals.

Who was the co-host on American Idol the first season? I didn't watch it back then, but saw an old YouTube video of a couple Kelly Clarkson performances, and there was this other totally forgettable guy sharing the announcing duties.

vicki said...

Jebus, the only scab worse than Gaycrest is Pigez. Why can't they do a Thelma & Louise off the Grand Canyon? Take Chris Cocksucker, Chimera Simmons and Rachel Zoe with them.

plot said...

Isn't the rumour that Seacrest was a special friend of Merv Griffon's, and that this is why Ryan is tolerated for the most part?

Little Miss Smoke and Mirrors said...

I absolutely think the "journalist" is Ryan Seacrest.

Marnie said...

I figured this was Ted's way of bragging that he finally shtupped Alec Baldwin.