Friday, March 28, 2008

Ted C. Blind Item #2

Snarla Sledgehammer isn’t known for being subtle. She’s made her name—some say living—by being entirely in-your-face, whether you deserve it or not. And in the so-hip arena of blogging/TV commentary, the multitalented, attractive-enough babe (who’s got more hair than style sense, to be brutally Snarla-esque about it) currently shines, struts and reigns supreme. But then again, that arguable pro point’s hardly the thrust of this Vice.

Several years ago, SSH had a child, Spawna Sledgehammer. Lovely kid, really, but due to Snarla’s overzealous prioritizing of all things kiddie, turned out Ms. S couldn’t even take a dump without consulting her offspring’s homework schedule, much to the chagrin of Snarla’s friends and colleagues, who became increasingly frustrated with being cast aside—always in the name of playdates, and such. Snarla became reliable for snapping at her fancyass fellow workers not to interfere with her all-holy maternal duties. Not wise. But then she made the truly unfortunate choice of repeating the same self-obsessed behavior with trusted confidantes, including Pete Priss-Ass, a well-known fagola fellow boob-tuber and writer, whom Spawna had always leaned on for lengthy bitch sessions.

Much to the shock of many, Pete—not exactly a choosy customer in the great grocery store of love (he often squeezed melons he really shoulda stayed away from)—got himself engaged. Stunned, but more so ecstatic, PPA rang up his good amiga, whom he adored, and, absolutely beaming over the phone, invited Snarla & fam to the small, out-of-state ceremony.

“It’s not convenient,” was SSH’s first reaction. No congrats. No words of good-wishing gooeyness, just a thorough chastising for Pete’s thoughtlessness in selecting a wedding date not conducive to—you guessed it—Spawna’s activity schedule. Ouch! Does Pete have some kinda S&M thing going for his friendships, or did he just not get the memo that hetero day-planning always trumps homo?

43 comments:

littleoleme said...

I tried. I really did. But I just can't read his column anymore. Maybe I'm too old for his style of writing.

littleoleme said...

Indigoblue - can you decipher this one for all of us? I don't have my Ted C. decoder ring.

Mooshki said...

Little, you must be over 13.

Mooshki said...

Basically, Ted is saying that a friend of his wasn't excited enough about his upcoming wedding and he's pissed at her.

Kristen S. said...

ENT, you're just sitting there laughing your ass off while posting these, aren't you?

Ask A Hooker said...

So basically, some bitch was more concerned with her kids' schedule than anyone else's...this is a blind? This is news somehow? Jesus, I think Ted C.'s vernacular is to distract us all from the fact that the smut isn't that good!!

jax said...

i think Ted has a brain tumor and thinks everything is crystal clear that he types.

MontanaMarriott said...

LOLOL@Ask a Hooker
Yep, I totally agree, what's so juicy about being a self centered bitch?!?!
Isn't that the norm in this industry?!?!?

Twisted Sister said...

In Hollywood where moms put their kids last, I think this IS news!

I can't think of anyone attractive who is in your face and has a lot of hair other than Ann Coulter, whom many believe to be too equine to be called attractive.

lyz said...

Yes, I agree that this isn't a juicy blind, however I would like to know which star is manic about their kid. I figure most stars have nannies and bodyguards raising the kid.

Also, this kid probably gets alot of pressure from Mommy Dearest to be the cutest, smartest....

any ideas?

bippy said...

i'm still curious abut who it is that pissed ted off! sandra bernhardt? but does she 'reign supreme'?

(and twisty, please tell me coulter doesn't have a kid!)

Ashley Samantha said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Twisted Sister said...

Bippy, I don't know - I try to stay away from all things Coulter...lol.

Twisted Sister said...

Ashley Samantha, Madonna doesn't currently shine in blogging/tvcommentary. My first thought was Rosie O'Donnell, but not attractive.

ms_wonderland said...

Twisted it is Rosie. 'Attractive enough' - for what? More hair than style sense - not much. Blogger/commentator - yes.

Ted would be hurt that a friend in a lesbian marriage would be too busy to attend his own.

IndigoBlue said...

Littleole me, sorry I didn't respond sooner, but I actually had to go away from the computer and work. Gasp! lol

I think everyone pretty much has covered everything. Female known for snarky commentary on tv and blogs with lots of hair but not so much style had a kid, became an even bigger uberbitch to everyone around her, not just her employees. Friends and family alike. Put kid's itenerary in front of any and everyone else. Had a gay confidante pre-baby who was a true friend. Gay Confidente gets engaged and calls Ms. S with the good news only to be told, unkindly, that there's no way she's coming to the wedding b/c it conflicts with the kidlet's schedule. No congratulations or anything, just hate.

The first person that came to mind for me, too, was Ann Coulter. But I can't find evidence that she has kids. She's never been married, engaged twice, though.

Dr. Laura might fit the bitchy part, but nothing else fits.

Ohhhhh what about Nancy Grace??
Except her kidlets are newborns....

Twisted Sister said...

ms wonderland, I concede that while I don't find Rosie attractive enough, others might...however...she's got more than one kid. It sounds like this person only has one.

Or are you saying that because some are adopted Rosie doesn't dote on them the same way they dote on their youngest? That might make sense.

IndigoBlue said...

I think multitalented might mean that she has other talents like being a lawyer that she can make money at, but has put that aside to make money as a commenter/blogger.

Lisa Bloom, Gloria Allred's daughter, is a lawyer who has her own CourtTV show, fills in for Nancy Grace when she's out, is a frequent guest on a LOT of talkshows, has her own blog, etc. She is married with at least one kid, I'm not sure how many, though.

I've always had issues with her hair, too. It's frequently awful.

kellysirkus said...

I'll take a stab at it: Madonna - Gwyneth - Kate Moss -- it's hard to even care about the answer when it requires such mental gymnastics to get to the end of the Blind.

Ayesha said...

Ms wonderland, the more times I read it, I think you're right about it being Rosie.

Ann Coulter lives in my building, and I see her a lot. She hates children (judging from the way she looks at mine in the elevator, even when they are behaving). But that doesn't stop a lot of people from having them as accessories. She is skeletal and dresses like a complete slut. Really trashy, for someone who is supposed to be a "conservative"! One day she was wearing skintight jeans, stiletto heels and a shirt that bared her (admittedly flat) abs. I almost fell over because I thought she was so prim and proper. Hmmph.

Twisted Sister said...

Kelly, none of those people reign supreme in tv commentary and blogging.

Rosie is multi-talented when you consider her movie success, her Broadway success, her television talk show host success and the fact that she's written some books. I don't know about the hair thing, though.

staci said...

Although a lot of clues would point to Rosie, doesn't it make it clear the woman is a hetero? Or am I reading into the last line too much?

I will say this, Rosie always puts her kids first and books everything AROUND them.

I say kudos.

Twisted Sister said...

Staci, you're right.

Does Pete have some kinda S&M thing going for his friendships, or did he just not get the memo that hetero day-planning always trumps homo?

How did we all miss that?

Bxrlvr said...

This sure sounds like Kimora Lee Simmons to me - and the hair comment applies big time.

allirose81 said...

hmmm... Melissa Rivers?

marymartha said...

I was thinking Kathy Lee Gifford but don't know the gay male friend...

captivagrl said...

arianna huffington, but daughters are teens.

bippy said...

ayesha, your kids must be terrified of ms coulter!

yeah, i think the woman in question is straight and has just one kid.

who else is there who does tv commentary and blogs? does janine garafalo have a kid? would someone who does right-wing commentary (michelle malkin, coulter) have a gay friend?

Twisted Sister said...

Ayesha, how cool that you could actually pull her hair if you wanted to. Come on, do it for me. Pleeeeeeeaaaaaaaaase?

Bryn said...

Does Lainey (of laineygossip.com)have a kid? She's a blogger and TV correspondant - she's a great writer, is attractive and has great hair.

silas said...

Well, whomever it is, Ted's just making himself look like an ass. This is hardly BI-worthy. Unless it's a about a fight between he and Seacrest he should keep it to himself.

p m said...

oh no, i just had 2 of Ceaser's "killer margaritas" (if you live in chicago, you know...)

I'll try and read this again later, lol.

Brenda22 said...

I also thought of Rosie. No one else fits.

Judi said...

Lainey neither has nor wants kids. It's what happens when friends have kids. Their lives become centered around raising them. But SSH's attitude really sucks.

Char said...

I think it's pretty obvious that the gay friend IS Ted, and he just posted this blind to get back at his friend... it's not really meant to be newsworthy.

I don't know who the woman is but it's not Rosie since the woman is straight. Could be someone at the E network but I don't know much about any of them.

MissBliss said...

AND IT AIN'T:

Pamela Anderson
Nancy Grace
Arianna Huffington

mulder said...

Rosie and Ross the Intern.

mulder said...

Rosie and Ross the Intern.

someone said...

ANN COULTER IS AN XXY!!!

How come no one knows this??!!

She can't have babies.

I think she still has an Adam's apple?

AMD said...

Mooshki, you should work for Reader's Digest. LOL!

Melissa said...

Does Tina Fey blog? If she does, she's my guess.

Gayla said...

You know, the last sentence mentions "hetero day-planning" but I don't know if that automatically = straight. It might just be Ted referring to the concept of a family as a stereotypically "hetero" thing, even if the person in question is not straight.

In mentioning all the friends and co-workers being pushed away he did not say anything about a partner. So whomever it is I'm inclined to think they are either single, or their relationship is very lowkey or hardly mentioned to the point of almost being forgotten about.

Rosie is a lesbian but I actually forget a lot of times about her other partner, even though I know she has one. I don't know if it's her though - does Ted C even know her? I can't think of anyone else that famous who has a blog, and as someone mentioned above I think this was more about Ted C getting back at his friend than dishing real dirt on someone.

SpringAlive said...

Um, no, thats really over-thinking it and, IMHO, giving Ted C waaay too much credit for allegorical ability.

I hate the way he writes too and have stopped reading his page because of it. How does he not know how annoying it is?

I do think its obvious the BI is about him though.