Boy, I hope you are playing the lottery today because I officially crown you the “Luckiest Motherf**ker of July 16, 2008!” It seems that cute as a button Victoria ’s Secret model Miranda Kerr couldn’t get enough of your greasy self the first time around and has actually come BACK to you for a second time! As if that wasn’t enough of a shock in and of itself….she left ORLANDO BLOOM for YOU! That sound you hear is the collective gasp of disbelief from the women and queens of the world. (err, sorry…that would be the noise AFTER the hysterical laughter since nobody believed it was true the first time they heard it)
What is it you have to offer, Brandon? Is it your dashing good loo—wait, no, that’s not it…..your abs of steel on which she can wash her Victoria’s Secr—-nope, not that either…..hmmm…let me think about this…..ohhhh could it be the gobs of money you will someday inherit from grandfather the oil magnate? I would say this last possibility is a perfectly legitimate reason for inviting your sweaty saggy ass back into bed, but according to the tabs you’ve been cut off, and it’s not like Miss Kerr is hurting for work. (See: Victoria ’s Secret Angel, face of Clinique Happy, 6 figure deal as face of Australian department store David Jones)
So, though it kills me to say it…..you must be packing some SERIOUS man heat! Ohh…excuse me, I thought I could say that without throwing up my lunch but I don’t know if I can hold it down….ok Reader, go to your happy place! David Beckham underwear ad in Times Square ! Full Frontal Friday on CDAN! Whew….that was a close one.
Now, where was I? Oh right, the man with the dumbest luck in America . Or is that the dumbest man with luck in America ? Whatever the case, get out there and play the lotto, bet on some ponies, enter the World Series of Poker, but for god’s sake, don’t take a chance on letting anyone else rub your magic lamp!
Dang it….here comes lunch again…..