A couple of things. After the reception Jax got today, I think most of you may want to reconsider those lunch plans with me. Jax has been reading and commenting on the blog forever and also has a very tough skin. I usually let everyone just have at it on the site, but all Jax did was agree to go to lunch with me, and so I feel really bad that she is getting hammered for that. Everyone can take as many shots at me as they want. It is part of the blog, and I'm fine with it, but to give someone a hard time for going to lunch with me seems a bit excessive. Jax, I know I speak for everyone when I say we love you. And if they won't say it, I will, and I would go to lunch with you everyday if you pay for the drinks. And the food. I mean I would be buying the airplane ticket so there has to be some give and take. Jax is funny and smart and I consider her to be a great friend who has always been there.
The hammering someone for no reason made me think of FW. I bring that up because many of you have e-mailed me today asking about FW and that whole situation. I know that I seem like the cuddly teddy bear type and I am, but before everyone thinks that FW would be crazy for not wanting to be with me there is something you should know. Since, FW doesn't write, I want to make sure her side of every story is always heard.
I previously mentioned all the baggage I bring to the table. I once compared it to the luggage hold of a 747. When you have been through as much as I have, and are living in the basement of your parent's home you start to feel like a beaten man. That is how FW found me. How would you like a guy who has no self esteem, hates his job, has a trail of ex-wives and alimony payments and lives at home? Well, she took the chance to be my friend and through literally thousands of hours conversations built me back up to the obnoxious guy all of you love.
It was at about that time that I first decided I wanted to be with FW. At this point we had not been friends that long, but because someone was actually being nice to me, I just jumped right in and basically became a love sick idiot. I would say stalkerish but that is going just a touch too far.
Well, all of that attention was probably not the best thing I could have done, but I worked at it. Everything was going much better until one day we got into an argument. I'm not much of a fighter. I'm a lover by nature. Not a very good one as the ex-wives will attest, but still, a lover. Fighting with someone you love is much different than fighting someone in court and I did not handle it well. I said so many things that were mean and hurtful and became someone I never want to be again. I can't believe I said some of the things I did. It was like all I was doing was trying to be mean and hurtful, which is not who I am or what I ever want to be. All I have to do is think about that day and I am reminded of how miserable I was after, and how miserable I will be forever. You can't take back things you say. God you wish you could and it isn't what you are feeling inside. The day I regret most in my life is that day. How can someone say such hurtful things about someone they love more than anything in the world? Just thinking about it makes me hurt inside.
It says a lot about FW that not only didn't she abandon me, but that she is still my best friend. So, telling her that I want to be with her, is not the same as making it true or making it happen. I don't know if it ever will happen, but I know that if it doesn't, it is not because of anything that she has done or will ever do. It will be because of me, and my failings as a person. Do I hope that she will overlook them? Hell yes. But to me, she has already done more than I ever had any right to expect. If she ever takes that next step, it would make me the happiest guy in the world, but if she doesn't and just stays my friend, I will still be the happiest guy in the world because everyday I spend talking to her is the best day of my life. I'm grateful for her everyday and I hope she knows that. I'm also grateful for all of you who read the blog and comment. I just think that sometimes we need to think about why we are attacking someone and for what purpose. It was lunch. It wasn't politics or whether Denise Richards even needed a costume on Halloween.