Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Paris Hilton Advice


This is going to seem like the most bizarre post in the history of my posting. The only thing more bizarre would be if I decided to ask Denise Richards to marry me or something. I better not even joke about something like that. She's so desperate right now she probably would. Anyway, I don't know if you saw what happened to Paris Hilton over the weekend, but it appears she has finally jumped the shark. It took long enough so it must have been a really huge shark, but she did it. At least in LA.

Over the weekend she was supposed to introduce the Pussycat Dolls but when she was announced, the crowd lustily booed and Paris broke into tears and refused to take the stage. Over in the UK they hate her BFF show and over here no one wants to watch it which is not surprising considering no one wanted to audition for it either. Let me stop right there. I could post an ad on Craigslist right now seeking actors or actresses for a reality show involving great bodily harm with no pay and there would be a line around the corner. Paris couldn't get anyone.

Here's the thing Paris. You made your money and it is time to move on. As someone who has seen everything, here's my advice to you if you want to be making money off yourself in a few years. Take a break. I know you thought you were taking a break by dating Benji Madden, but you weren't. Sure, you were not out earning money for yourself every night, but you were still out every night being seen, so you might as well have been getting paid.

Just take a year, maybe two and do what you want. Learn to read. Write a book, go hang out with Joe The Sex Offender down on his island. Whatever. You need to let the world kind of be done with you for awhile. Go learn a skill other than how to be annoying. Go steal some of your sister's fashion designs. Go take acting classes for two years. Whatever it is, only come out once every six months so we know you are alive. After about two years of this you will be ready for your comeback. There is nothing we like more in the US than a comeback. Shannen Doherty? We all love her now, but ten years ago she was you and everyone was ready for her to leave. Make a comeback with a skill and you will be even more popular. You can then probably get another three or four year run out of the fame you already enjoy now.

But, as a warning. If you don't take the break now, the only work you will be getting six months from now is hosting birthday parties for some Russian guy's family or a guy's night out in Dubai. Sure, you will get the invitations to host parties in the US, but they will be to cut a ribbon at the new Mattress Depot store. So leave. Go. Disappear for awhile. And if my plan doesn't work and you can't get back on top, well, then I don't think too many of us will be crying.

22 comments:

littleoleme said...

Sweet sweet news. I love how she can be so mean to others and call people terrible names but she boo hoos when people give it back to her.
God, she can't be gone fast enough.

Cheryl said...

Sound advice, but we all know she's to stupid to take it.

Mooshki said...

"Learn to read."

LOL!

Sadly, I think we all know your advice is wasted. She just posted on MySpace about "Repo." I'm sure she's going to use it as an excuse to restart her "acting" and "singing" "careers."

Mooshki said...

p.s. I'm curious who the chick in the picture with her is. They had video on TMZ, and she's really cute.

twunty mcslore said...

Ha ha, dream on, enty.
Does anyone know if her Repo movie has made any money?

NYC2008 said...

"Learn to Read"

MUHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
LMAO!!!!!!!!!!

Mooshki said...

I think Repo has only been in very limited release so far. I really want to see it (not 'cause of her).

West End Girl said...

The optimism of this post, bless you Enty, even if it is wasted.

donna said...

Sage advice .. too bad its wasted on a piece of crap like paris!

twunty mcslore said...

It's at the indie movie theater 2 blocks from my house in Cleveland, surprisingly.

A Pimp Named DaveR said...

Can I add my advice, please?

Dear Paris:

Go find a bottle in a store somewhere that is clearly labelled "Potassium Cyanide". Take every pill in that bottle. Enjoy!

not a famous adrian said...

She could always do another porno--that's what shot her to fame in the first place.

Amber said...

LOL @ learn to read

califblondy said...

Karma, like fame, can be a bitch.

Boo friginn' hoo, Paris. Now go home.

Kelli said...

I'm sorry, but does everyone love Shannon Doherty now? ugh. Still can't stand her.

Judi said...

Agreed, Kelli. Shannon still cannot act.
Paris needs to go back and finish high school, go to college, learn to actually do something, be relevant. In a recession, anyone and anything superficial is going to be dismissed. Her dismissal is totally deserved.

IndigoBlue said...

Judi, Amen, Sister!

Sylvia said...

lol@DaveR

The Parasite is persistent even if people don't like her.

nunaurbiz said...

OK, ladies, the line forms on the left. Paris, excuse me, Paris? Yes, you're right next to Tara Reid. Don't forget to pick up after your dog. Miley? You're a bit early, hon, but there you go, right after Speidy......

shakey said...

Learn to read - Ent, as ever, you kill me.

Paris is the new Mischa. (God, I hope she reads this.)

c17 said...

Ha Ha! That's what happens when you take the "Two Princes"!

/that's an in joke, you know!

ykkstuck said...

while I appreciate your advice to people in general, advice to her is not worthy or deserving.