Mick and Keith
If you think you can handle some Full Frontal Friday action, go ahead and click here, but remember. NSFW. Not even close to being safe. Yes, it is Simon Rex.
Friday, January 11, 2008
When I say Friends edition, I don't want everyone to think that a cast member of Friends is in any of these because they are NOT. When I say cast member, I mean one of the six regulars. Not that any other cast member who ever appeared on the show is in here either, but I just don't know.
When I do say friends, I mean such as from AP, so let's start with her.
#1 Like all good AP stories, they take place in a bathroom. But unlike in the past, this one takes place in a men's room. Yes, AP was in a men's room. She says because the line was too long for the women's. I don't know. For all I know she could have been having sex with a total stranger. Kind of like the B list married film actor she saw in the men's room making out and reaching in the pants of another man. The B lister was in 2 of the top 25 films last year.
#2 As tax season slowly trickles in, I am hearing from our accountant more, and hopefully the stuff will be as good as last year. Seems that there is this recently married male singer who is running a call girl ring. Our singer has ten condos leased in three different cities all under a corporate name. Checks go out to the leasing companies for the condos, and each day the accountant is getting money orders from people living in each of the condos. Now, I guess the tenants could be paying daily rent, but since the average amount sent in each day is $3000, that would be some expensive rent.
#3 Which spouse of a Presidential candidate is having an affair? (Not Bill. Would that really even be a shocker anyway?)
#4 Which married A list television actor was kissing his girlfriend at a supermarket last week, when he felt a tap on his shoulder and turned around to see it was his in-laws.
One of the coolest people on the entire planet. Amber Tamblyn takes the top spot. ECA.
Because Amber went to an event and got her photo taken, Ali Larter and her newly adorned ring finger are relegated to second position.
This was quite the event. Wish I would have been invited, but then I would have done something idiotic and gone up to Jessica Alba and asked her if Tom came to her first and offered her money to marry him, and then turn and ask Katie which name she truly f**king prefers.
It wouldn't be a Friday here without some Johnny Depp. I haven't had a chance to look for some full frontal for you today, so this will have to do for now. If he opened his shirt a bit more you could have a little nip slip of Mr. Depp. I will refrain from posting the nip slip photo I found of Amy Winehouse yesterday.
Wow. Ummm. You know, I just feel so bad that Jessica Biel had the bad lip injection and the horrible color job, that I am just going to lay off saying anything bad about her. The fact that she can still smile despite the horrible beauty atrocities that have been committed against her this past week preclude me from saying anything further about her that would leave her even more scarred and hideous than she is now.
Speaking of scarred. I know Justin Long is going to get hiss heart scarred when Drew Barrymore finally breaks up with him. Oh, she will, and Justin Long will be crushed. This is a guy who is plainly way more in love with Drew than she with him.
Bear with me on this one. Do you remember the scene in Planes Trains And Automobiles where they need money and John Candy starts selling shower curtain rings in the bus station. Forget the fact that you have never seen a bus station with people in it who actually have money, but he sold a bunch of teenagers shower curtain rings but called them earrings to make the sale. These are those earrings and they look just as stupid on Beyonce as they did on the three girls in the scene. Maybe 4 girls. Maybe the train station and not the bus station.
I just know that this movie with Tracy Morgan and Ice Cube is going to be great. It is actually a movie I am looking forward to which doesn't happen often. I also promised DNfromMN that I would go see Juno. So, I am going to do the whole pay for one and sneak around for free to the other 23 screens. Not that I would encourage any of you to break the law, but you know, if they are going to put that many screens in one place, and only one 16 year old kid to keep watch, stuff is going to happen.
I don't think Tyson Beckford is in the Top 50 GQ stylish list, but this looks damn good on him. Bastard.
Speaking of bastards. No, not really. It looks like Val Kilmer only has about 50 more punds to lose so I'm happy for him. Hopefully by the time he hits the beach next summer he will have lost enough weight where we can safely look at his photos again, or he could just wear a shirt. Have I told you I love Rosario Dawson. She looks like she wants to go out tonight. See who is really paying attention. Also if you notice in the background there is a sighting of Dylan McDermott who although doing the single guy thing in Miami last week made his way back to LA to support my favorite name.
Shiva. Who this week is using the McDermott thing. He is just stringing you along baby. Hopefully Kerry Washington told you the same thing, but I am available for hugs or jello fights. Or just coffee. A text?
I just hope that Kim Kardashian is pregnant because at her present rate of weight gain, she will explode sometime around January 26th. She has gained 5 pounds since the other photo earlier this week. Reggie you better start praying it isn't yours.
At this rate, OJ Simpson will quite possibly get to explore each and every state's prison system before he finally dies. OJ was arrested for a possible bail violation and was thrown into a Florida jail. Allegedly OJ the idiot called one of his co-defendants in his Las Vegas robbery case and identified himself as Miguel.
Apparently Miguel didn't like the way the co-defendant testified at a preliminary hearing, and felt he treated OJ wrong. Of course Miguel was probably just doing this on behalf of OJ, and OJ has no idea who the hell Miguel is. I think next time OJ should go for the name Kumar. He might as well involve every ethnic group in his parade of idiocy.
The good thing for all of us is that OJ is running out of money so before long he might end up with some public defender right out of law school, and OJ will end up sharing a bunk with a guy. Named Miguel of course.
So, the SAG Awards are on January 27th. No one usually notices except the actors. Basically if you are an actor and had any job, you get an award. There are so many actors nominated that at last count there had been 14 corrections to the nominations list. If you try and print out all the names of those nominated it runs to almost 25 pages. Anyway, since it is not being picketed by the WGA, there are high hopes that people will actually pay attention to it this year.
The actors who are going from ABC, and ABC Studios and Disney and everyone else under that massive umbrella are going to have to pay for their own expenses that night. Usually the networks and studios pick up the tab for limos and hair and the blow (dry) in return for lots of mentions of the respective networks or studios. Kind of like watching a NASCAR driver speak.
ABC and the entire Disney family though feel that they will be paying actors money to go to a SAG award show. SAG is the same organization that is telling its members not to go on ABC for Jimmy Kimmel and have not gone to any other award show this season because of picket lines.
NBC and Universal are also said to be having the actors pay for everything because they are pissed that the actors aren't going on Leno and Conan and caused the whole Golden Globe fiasco.
I think the studios might be wise to remember that the actor's contracts end in just a few short months, and I bet that in their next contract they put in a provision that will make the studios always pay for these types of events just to get back at them.
At this point, I don't even think I need to read the book next week when it comes out. Here is the latest to have been leaked:
Andrew Morton is claiming in his book that Katie Holmes signed a contract to commit to Scientology and that her father brokered a high-paying pre-nup. Morton claims Cruise had Holmes sign a document before they started dating that allowed "Scientologists full control over her life."
Now I know why she blinks a bunch when they let her out into the sun. It is all making sense now. The alleged document required Holmes to "turn only to Scientology's treatments" for herself and her children's welfare and "must never use psychiatric care or psychiatric drugs." I hope that she is till allowed to drink herself into a stupor. Maybe she has found some member of the staff she trusts, and she sits up in her padded cell at night, slowly sipping on some gin and juice. Oh yes, definitely gin and juice. Katie is old school.
Morton maintains that Holmes' father, Martin, an attorney, negotiated a pre-nup that would award her $3 million for each year of their marriage.
When contacted by US Weekly about the allegations, Holmes' rep had no comment and the Church of Scientology told Us, "Ms. Holmes never signed any agreement."
Holmes' rep? Please. Like Katie Holmes' rep has anything to do except say yes sir to both Paul Wagner and Tom Cruise. As far as the Scientologists. You notice they don't deny the existence of an agreement, just that Katie didn't sign one, she just had it implanted with all of the other computer chips they loaded her with on her wedding night and the sperm of L Ron.
WHICH political candidate showed extreme bad judgment in the woman he picked to have an extramarital affair with? The New Age hippie, who friends say "mooches off other people and sleeps on their couches because she doesn't believe in money," tells anyone who will listen about her fling with the good-looking guy. She recently walked up to a Page Six pal she'd just met and said, "Oh, I'm so stressed out. I've been having an affair with [a candidate]."
Notice the say political candidate. So, in reality it could be someone running for your local City Council.
This post was originally going to be about their recent article on Jessica Alba, but then saw something they also did on Suri and Katie. Yes, that is their big rebellious move. They still refer to the little one's wife as Katie rather than Kate. I'm sure the little one probably sends them missives, minions or muffins everyday to try and get them to change it to Kate, and when he gets a decent box office in a movie again, the very next day it will probably be Kate, but for now it remains Katie. Hell, I'm sick of Katie and Suri, and all her crap nonsense anyway, so I will just make it Jessica. If you want to read more about how Suri is a very strong woman and is probably going to be a superhero, and save the world from cancer through the power of the mind, then feel free. Hell, I will even give you the link so you can read about the 2 year old who is now a woman. Next week Tom will begin the marriage bidding wars. You read it for yourself. Listen for the gagging sounds, and then come back here and discuss why Katie thinks Suri is magical.
This is going to be the longest post ever and I haven't even got to the point. Jessica Alba was at the same event that Katie was, and so the People reporter must have been extra busy making up this crap. Or, of course, they simply took the handouts from the publicists and translated Jessica Alba's one word answers into this.
With fiancé Cash Warren by her side, Jessica Alba can't help gushing about her impending baby joy.
"It's awesome," she told PEOPLE Thursday in L.A. at Glamour magazine's kickoff for V-Day's 10th Anniversary. "It's the best time ever. I have two movies coming out, a baby, a fiancé – everything."
I actually think she said the It's awesome part. Prior to, and after that, all publicists. Let's continue and see what Miss Marvel has to say next. I want you to remember that Kneepads has said that Cash was by her side. He is always by her side except when off with some other woman. He knows he can't get too far from his money tree or let her go out too much on her own.
"I don't know if anyone wants me in their movies [when I'm] six months pregnant," she joked. "I'll get the fire and I'll want to work again, but right now it's a time to relax and sit back."
She probably said something like "No one wants to hire me for my acting, only my body so being six months pregnant, I don't get much work."
For now, the actress is focused on a more personal project: "I bought a new house a couple weeks ago. I'm in nesting phase."
Translation: Cash needed more room for his porn collection and said I wasn't spending money on him fast enough so I bought a house and put him on the title.
Later, Alba joked about her growing baby bump as she performed "My Short Skirt," a scene from Eve Ensler's Vagina Monologues. "I hope [my dress] won't pop while I'm up here," she said. "And if it does, you're all women, and I think you'll understand it. [When you're pregnant], your breasts are engorged and your stomach is getting bigger. . . . And the ass, too, that's getting bigger by the second!"
Translation: The publicist didn't know Cash was coming so just thought it was going to be all women. The reporter didn't bother actually read what he was given to print, and he certainly didn't go in, because I'm not sure Jessica even know what engorge means, let alone knows how to use it in a sentence.
Surprise! Gotcha babes, didn’t I? You probably think this Vice is gonna be about some sexually repressed, hugely successful TV sitcom actor from the '90s who got caught servicing some random model in the walk-in closet of some Hollywood mansion, right? Well, for a rare change, this little walk-in wondering you’re about to experience is not about fellating some random fella, sorry.
Nope, this sordid story’s about something quite grotesque and hideous. Have you eaten yet? No? Then please, close this item, go get sustenance, wait at least 20 minutes (maybe 30) and then, only then, give things another try.
Ya see, Ellen DeGeneres’ canine catastrophe is chopped liver compared to today’s Blind job. First off, our source is one of the myriad personal employees reporting to one Slurpa Pop-Off, the bitch who serviced that dude in the bathroom of that Sunset Strip eatery, if you remember, and we’re sure you do.
Now, many times our lady of the Slurpa has brought a brand-new pooch home as a new pet, which she fawns all over until it dawns on the dummy she’s now in charge of a living, breathing animal—and not a stuffed Pound Puppy. And, gosh, responsibility is not our go-to girl’s strong suit. Therefore, upon leaving her house, she often locks these pups in one of her many closets, supposedly to prevent them from making messies all over her expensive pad.
But, uh, sometimes SPO would be gone for hours...days...weeks...and not tell anybody about the dog in its wardrobe dungeon. The animal’s existence would simply slip from her mind! Oh, doesn’t that happen to everybody? While cleaning the house, Pop-Off’s staff have—reportedly more than once—opened a closet to discover a tiny, dead dog.
Beyond hideous. I swear, I may have to out this bitch. But Pop-Off’s employees just may have beaten moi to the punch, as animal services have been alerted.
And just why the hell is this woman still allowed to purchase pooches? Please neuter and spay your pets, otherwise their offspring might one day meet their maker in Slurpa’s closet captivity.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
This celebutard is using some security camera videos of his current B list film actress girlfriend taking drugs and having sex with at least two different men other than the boyfriend in order to keep her in a relationship with our celebutard. It's not so much the drugs that are keeping her in the relationship, but rather the two men she is having sex with. Does it sound like she did the two guys at once? Good. Because she did. An actor no matter how lame he has become lately is not a celebutard for purposes of this item.
"Keep bending those knees Kate. Lower. Lower. Lower. Hey, I'm short. Lower. Make like Mini-Me and get shorter."
"I'm only going to tell you one more time. You go where I tell you, when I tell you, or you don't get to run in the marathon."
Like the world needs another Jessica Simpson. Jessica Alba is wearing a really good wig though.
When you have a purse as big as a suitcase and it still can't handle your day to day requirements, it may be time for Hilary Duff to become one of those people who drag their luggage behind them all day.
I know Gisele Bundchen probably loves this hometown designer she is wearing, but on Project Runway they would hate it. She looks like Heidi on crack.
Speaking of crack. No, I'm not saying Mary Kate Olsen is on crack. Unless you know something I don't which isn't that tough. I wonder how many people walked by where she was crouched and gave her their spare change.
I don't know wtf Megan Fox was thinking when she put this thing together, but there just had to be drugs involved or a serious cash payment.
Or there could have been a Brian Austin Green behind it as well. He doesn't really have anything else to do or a way to make money so he pimps out his girlfriend and her fashion choices.
So explain to me how a woman, and for example, we will use Keri Russell here, can be bundled up like Nanook of the north. Probably freezing and dying to get out of the New York winter, but still wears sandals. Why would you do that? I am woefully ignorant about that.I'm not ignorant about why Prince William keeps going back for more with Kate Middleton though. She's a freak. Yep. Rick James freaky, and makes the Prince come back running whenever he goes a little too long without.
Two icons of fashion. Kenneth Cole and Tim Gunn. I like Tim better.
My never heard of them before people are Summer Glau and Thomas Dekker. OK, so some of you have heard of them, but not very many.
This is Ricki Lake at the same event that Keri Russell was all bundled up. I understand this more. Ricki is just risking frostbite to look gorgeous and will run inside quickly.
Queen Latifah and her trainer. You never know when you are going to need a quick workout, even at a movie premiere.