Full Frontal Friday

Lots of good times this week. I think you will be pleased. Have tried to provide something for every taste and size. That sounds kind of porn-ish doesn't it? Thanks again to all you valiant porn searchers who find me this stuff. Without your monthly memberships and hours of free time, this just wouldn't be possible. I would also like to thank the Academy. Just seeing if you are paying attention, or if you already clicked.

Under 18? Get a note from your parents and mail it to Ted Casablanca and then you can watch. Otherwise, go get out the vote or something that looks good when you are applying to colleges.

Four For Friday

#1 - B list film actress who was a lead in a top ten movie from 2007 is actually bald. No hair, no fuzz, no nothing. Just wigs.

#2 - B+ actress. Barely any television. Hardly worth mentioning. Female lead of a hit film this year. New boyfriend who she met because he is also her dealer. Nothing beats free drugs.

#3 - You don't ever want to get into a relationship with this C list television actress. Foreign born, but works primarily in the US now. Here in the US has a recurring role on a very popular show, and has also worked on popular programs in her native country. When I say that you don't want to get into a relationship with her, lets just say that if you enjoy her beating the ever living crap out of you as a part of your sexual relationship than actually she may be the one for you. Seem she isn't shy about expressing it either. Guy goes on a first date with her. Ten minutes into the dinner she lays it all out. This is what she's into and if he is, or interested in it, then great, otherwise they may as well just keep it one date.

#4 - Three women in a row. OK, here is one for those who love guys. A white male reality show host who likes to pretend he is straight is enjoying wonderfully romantic times with this larger African American man who does straight porn for a living and calls himself bisexual.

Random Photos Part One

You take a chance on a bright yellow dress and spill out some cleavage, and hey you move right to the top. I'm sure she must wear colors other than black, but I can't remember. And my stupid guy question of the day is whether that is a bumper on the bottom of her purse. Is it metal, or just shiny lame like material because it matches the parking meter. I didn't know women bought purses with that in mind, but apparently so.
See, make a change get near the top. Adam Duritz might have receive the honor almost any other day, but come on, it's Angelina Jolie and spilling cleavage and Adam Duritz is a guy in a bow tie.
Connie Britton and Tim "I love Al Pacino Hair" Daly.

Bar Refaeli and her cigars. Well for those of you who have seen Leonard in FFF, I would say that is just about the right size. You might also want to check out the Steve McQueen photo because he and Bar have something in common.
Our resident Dorian Gray, Ms. Bernadette Peters. She amazes me and just turned 60 in February. Honestly she must have 20 year old guys beating down her door.
Speaking of a beating. No, but Brittany Murphy looks atrocious. I know it is for a photoshoot, but I hate the look.
"You looking for 30 minutes or the full hour?"
What are the odds that two of Richie Sambora's exes would be in the ocean on consecutive days? What are the odds that anyone cares? Heather Locklear does look great.

You know, I have to admit that George Clooney is not a bad looking guy.
It is kind of like Friday has become salute to the Iglesias family day. Last week it was Junior and this week it is Enrique.
The one and only Mr. David Byrne.
Have you seen that Rock The Cradle show on MTV? Me either, but it is fun to look at the pictures. This is Crosby Loggins. Please don't tell me he sang "Danger Zone."

Honestly, I have never heard of Natassia Malthe, but anyone who poses like this on the red carpet makes me want to go watch every little walk on they have done. Plus she's Norwegian. Lots of readers in Norway. Maybe some inside scoop would be nice.

I think Mario Lopez should wash after this, because Clay Aiken had his hands in the very same cement a few weeks ago.
You know, if you get far enough way and don't focus too clearly, Madonna looks pretty good.
John Waters can get away with this because, he is John Waters.
I'm guessing Jennifer Garner is a biter. I don't know where that came from. Forgive me.
Wendie Malick is a drinker. Never would have guessed. Yes, that is Tyne Daly in the background.

I'm a little bit nauseating, and I'm a little bit crazy. Kind of a catchy tune.
Two days in a row for Tina Fey. Why not?
It must be Friday because I'm in a good mood and Rosie O'Donnell looks pretty good.
This is how Orlando Bloom dresses for a date with Miranda Kerr. That's why he's the movie star, and I'm the guy who lives in his parent's basement.

Your Turn

OK, this week, I would love to see from all of you, the best viral videos you have seen all week or month or year. Whatever. Just make it good and lots of fun to watch.
I picked the Mariah Carey one from this morning because it is fun to watch her kind of lose it. If someone wants to post her meltdown on MTV that would be interesting.

As far as events, I really liked the way that Katy Perry one worked out, and I want to get people from other cities involved. So, if you want to see Landon Pigg and live in one of these cities, let me know. I think you can probably bring one guest so you don't have to go alone.

04/29 - Austin, TX - The Stubbs (small room)
05/01 - West Palm Beach, FL - Sunfest
05/05 - Chicago, IL - Schubas
05/06 - New York, NY - The Living Room
05/08 - Alexandria, VA - The Birchmere
05/09 - Philadelphia, PA - Tin Angel
06/11 - Boston, MA - Club Passim

If you want to see Tina Dico, and you live in one of these cities, let me know.

May 5 Joe's Pub New York, New York
May 6 Schubas Chicago, Illinois
May 7 The Khyber Philadelphia, PA
May 8 Ram's Head Tavern Annapolis, MD
May 9 La Sala Rossa Montreal, Quebec
May 10 Le Cercle Quebec City, Quebec
May 12 The Courthouse Toronto, Ontario
May 13 The Ark Ann Arbor, Michigan
May 15 Hotel Cafe Los Angeles, California

This requires you to write and take photos and not flake.

Lets Talk About Spencer

I know that I don't really talk about anyone on The Hills because honestly, I can't stand any of them. Today on Tyra, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt were on and she brought up the whole Lauren Conrad sex tape, and Spencer said it 100% existed and Heidi said she also knows for a fact the tape exists.

This is the part that gets me. Tyra asked Spencer if he had seen it, and he said,"I would never watch that!" Pratt says. "I would rather throw up... but I know for a fact, and I would take a lie detector test."

To me this just confirms that Spencer is gay. I know many of you are women, but for a second, get in the mentality of your man. Would any straight man ever make that statement? Sure they would, but not about a 21 year old with a hot body. We might say it about some 1,000 pound woman, but honestly, we will still take a peek.

So, for Spencer to say that is just incredibly non heterosexual. Some of you might say that he was saying because his girlfriend was there and she would get jealous. Perhaps, but the statement wouldn't have been that strong.

Turns out that neither of them have seen the tape, but they know it exists 100%. Glad they have faith. Get to church, or a temple or a mosque, or an In-N-Out. They must have a God.

Heidi Fleiss Headed To Celebrity Rehab

According to Radar, Heidi Fleiss is headed to Celebrity Rehab for her addictions to meth and Vicodin. That is one hell of a combination. I wish Heidi all the best, but honestly she just doesn't seem to be a group reality person. Her own show yes. But she just doesn't seem like she would play well with others which is why the casting people put her on the show. Also the fact that although lots of celebrities need rehab, how many want to admit it and actually air it in front of the public.

I mean no one knew who half the cast was last season and they probably had even less people show up this time. Hell, half of them are going to be reality celebrities anyway. That's not actually celebrity rehab, that's real rehab. Why give the people an extra 15 minutes just because they got themselves an addiction.

I think their 15 minutes led to the addiction in the first place. Why encourage it by giving them more fame?

NY Daily News Blind Item

Which 'sensitive' heartthrob rocker does his best work with a snoot full of booger sugar? Girls who flock to his side at NYC clubs notice he can't go but five minutes between bathroom breaks.

Schools Don't Want Brooke Hogan

Schools in Florida are not alone when they say they don't want Brooke Hogan around. I mean I really can't think of too many people who would want to hang out with her for five minutes, and here she wanted to hang out filming her Dad's show on a school campus.

Apparently someone on the show thought it would be a good idea for Brooke to see people who actually are going to have to work for a living when they graduate. They therefore tried to get permission from a Florida college to let the show film there and have Brooke make it appear as if she cared about education.

She finally got in. To her fourth choice. None of her first three choices wanted anything to do with her or her show. Her fourth choice would only let her spend a few hours at the school rather than the week she wanted.

What the hell would she do for a week at a school? Was the idea to make it seem like she was actually going to school, so people would think she isn't an idiot? It is going to take much more than some film footage of her at school to do that.

Just In Case You Didn't See Nightline Last Night

This is Nightline from last night. Not just Jenna Miscavige, but also Astra Woodcraft who was a co-founder of Ex-Scientology Kids is also featured. Watch it, and share it. Lots of great Tom Cruise being maniacal clips as well.

Is Oprah A Secret Scientologist?

I'm sure you all saw yesterday that Tom Cruise is headed back to Oprah. That's right, but to make sure nothing untoward happens there will be no furniture. Everyone on the set, and in the audience will be seated on the floor. This is to make it appear as if Tom Cruise is a giant.

The reason for Tom's appearance. To break up with Katie Holmes. Naah, but it would be kind of a fitting end to the whole thing. He can be sitting on the floor, and just start crying while he rests his head in Oprah's lap. As staffers hold back Gayle King, Tom just weeps like a baby.

The actual reason Tom is going to be on is to celebrate his 25th anniversary of making films. He is getting a two parter. Yep. Two whole hours devoted to a Tom Cruise kiss butt session. Two hours of one person after another crawling on the floor telling Tom how great he is and just watching that stupid grin of his.

Hmmm. Kirstie Alley is going to be there. John Travolta, and you know Leah Remini will be there. He'll probably pay Nicole Kidman an extra sum this month so she will come on and say Good Day.

You know what. Here is a deal for Oprah. Since she wants to be taken seriously, and have her opinion count in politics, here is something to prove you are serious. If she has Tom answer five questions Jenna Miscavige wants asked, I will give $2000 to any charity Oprah wants.

Didn't Take Pink Long

Two months sounds about right for a grace period after a two year marriage. By grace period I don't mean dating, I mean shacking up. Pink is reportedly letting her new boyfriend move into her Malibu house.

The new dude is Todd Morse and I think the reason Pink likes him so much is because she wants a shot at Morse's boss. Morse happens to be one of the Licks, as in Juliette Lewis and the Licks. "Hey what do you for a living?" "I'm a lick." I come from a long line of backups. My grandfather used to be a Pip, my dad was a Cruiser, and now I'm a Lick."

I bet you are a Lick. Maybe that's the reason she likes him. I just think there should be some longer period before you go shacking up. I mean show a little respect. You made such a big production about how there was no cheating or fighting, and that Carey Hart was the love of your life. Doesn't really seem like it.

Ted C Blind Item

Isn’t shopping for real estate in Hell-Ay just so fun? It really is the new Sunday to-do in the City of Fallen Mortgages. Now that houses for sale are more abundant in T-town than overpriced Fred Segal tees, everybody’s looking to make a killing, celebs and noncelebs alike. ‘Course, Fanny Fecal-Farmer is so successful already with her reality boob-tube career, she’s gone ahead and bought herself another swank Hollywood compound before unloading her present one. But uh-oh! Fanny first purchased back when the market was considerably more flush, and she was just beginning her rise to the top of the cheeky heap. She overpaid considerably.

Now she’s stuck with a million-dollar-plus job that’s probably going to take at least half that price tag to fix up. See, FFF’s a busy, horny girl. When she’s not off parading as a new, terribly authoritative star of her show, she’s back home making love to her girlfriend and letting her hillside house essentially rot to pot—not to mention allowing her adorable pooches to prance, poop and prowl all over the property, wreaking canine havoc. And since Ms. Fecal-Farmer so adores her g-friend (and the sweaty, time-consuming, mucho-athletic things they do in bed), she simply has no time to clean the damn place up. Another prob being Ms. F.F. abhors reprimanding her doggies for crapping and urinating everywhere just as much as she does training them not to. Therefore, Fanny had the most brills idea!

Since the rather attractive gal knew fixing up her pad would take more care and money than she preferred to provide, she authorized her Realtors to splash “Secluded Celebrity Retreat!” all over the advertising campaign, effectively luring additional looky-loos. And just when potential buyers are about to flee, due to the urine and dog excrement collections everywhere, Fanny just happens to come home, unexpectedly, and—voilà!—the “celebrity” is revealed, thereby assuring some sort of purchasing incentive.

Hasn’t worked, so far. House ain’t movin’, and it’s stinkier than ever.

(Though, must admit, fooled lookers have enjoyed the sex-toy display in the bedroom, very impressive, Fan-hon!)

Today's Blind Items

#1 - Just because you are a male Dove Award winner doesn't mean you are above doing a little meth huh? Kind of seems hypocritical, but that's just me. Did you get off the hillbilly heroin yet, or are you still doing that as well? And, no it isn't Vince Gill. If he was doing meth he wouldn't be 50 pounds overweight.

#2 - This used to be B list actor on a hit comedy network show is now C list and hopefully fading fast. BIG dater this guy. Decided that he wanted to give the ladies a little something extra and so had a piercing inserted into a place that 99.999999999999999% of guys would say no thanks. Since he got it installed (is that the right word?) it has just been one big infection, and numerous trips to the doctor. Needless to say, unless his plan included giving the ladies a pus infected mess, he probably ain't getting any for a very long time.

Random Photos Part One

Did Annabella Sciorra get knocked up and no one told me? Because this is kind of ruining my the porn music running through my head as I imagine her and Padma Lakshmi.
Wow. I think Vince Gill needs to take up a new sport other than golf. It is obviously not a weight loss sport. Amy Grant looks delightful. People wanted new adjectives and of course the first one that comes out of my head is a James Lipton one.
I am willing to wager that you won't see Alice Cooper on the Op Bus tour selling out to Wal-Mart.
The Lemonheads - Los Angeles

I know I said I wouldn't bring anything up about the you know what in the oven, and I keep my word. This photo is just here because I think Ellen looks charming. Delicious is next up on the sheet, but that would seem wrong. Very wrong.
Well, if you got $50 pal, you can probably get more than high five.
Carmen Electra is engaged. She just loves those musicians. And Dennis Rodman. This guy is Rob Patterson.
haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha. Oh, I have tears running down my face. Gretchen Wilson - Dallas

Gwyneth Paltrow looking delicious (told you) two days in a row which would be consecutively if I wanted to use less words. It does seem kind of Shirley Maclaine-ish, but it works.
Finally, I can play with myself in public and not be arrested.

Fred Durst morphs into Richard Hatch.
Someone just needs to explain this one to me.

I was wondering where all the women who sold roses at bars went. They went to Korea and sell them at award ceremonies. Probably charge more, but less drunks trying to hit on women, so it is probably a wash.
Julianne Moore in Paris Vogue.
Have no idea what she is doing, because she didn't get that big when she was pregnant. I will tune in to the first episode, but more for Marc, rather than her. I want to see that guy, and their interaction.
Iman on consecutive days is always a pleasure. Actually she could just move in.
Mary J. Blige and Prince. No, wait that's Jada Pinkett Smith. Happy Halloween????

Mick Jones - Los Angeles
A couple of things. First, this photo was taken in Australia where it is now our October so technically after Labor Day. Plus, I want to know how Tom Cruise managed to hollow his shoes out and convert them to heels so quickly.
Mandisa - Nashville
I like to spice things up for you because I know you are like the Governor and want fresh meat. This is from l to r Lote Tuqiri, Tim Cahill, and John Alosi.

Looks like Steve Martin stopped by Matthew Broderick's house on the way over.

Well to give Sienna Miller her dues, at least she is wearing clothes.
"So, let me get this straight. You call each other every morning and pick out a turban color everyone wears."
Tonight is the night. After weeks of delays from the CO$, the interview with Jenna Miscavige is finally going to air tonight on Nightline. Set the DVR's, and buckle in for the ride.
Molly Shannon looks penguinriffic.
Wycleaf Jean can't quite reach around to get the tag off.

Did anyone know that Will Arnett is 8 feet tall?
I hate people who kiss on the red carpet. EXCEPT for The Veronicas.
Tina Fey looks stunning, and Chris, go put on your Mango costume and make it a real party.
Hey look it's Tina Fey again, and the gorgeous Amy Poehler