Full Frontal Friday

Full Frontal Friday, the I Am In a Hurry Edition. As always, if you are over the age of 18, have your own office or are at home, by all means, click here.

Four For Friday - Quick And Dirty Edition

#1 - Know that show about teenagers in NY? Yes that one. Which one of the cuties on the show is going to be spending much of the time in between seasons in a little place we like to call rehab?

#2 - Famous author. Writes legal thrillers. Married. Having an affair with entertainment reporter who interviewed the author.

#3 - B list actress on hit network medical show. Holding out for a pay raise for next season even though on a contract. Reason? Owes too much money to her dealer. Will die if there is a strike by SAG.

#4 - This B list actor who has been on several HIT shows his cheating on his wife with a former co-star.

Random Photos Part One - With A Reader Photo

So can you believe that Big Boi and

Bob Barr were at the same party? Me either, but right after this photo, Bob started singing Hey Ya to the crowd.So, if this tribe had never been contacted before, then how the hell did the photographers know where to look? Is that a Range Rover I see in the photo? I know I see a photo of Paris Hilton inside that shelter.



The one and only Danny Glover.

Dirty Harry 18 - Harry meets Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy
Chace Crawford shows off his oral skills while the girl shows she's a biter. Learn from Chace sweetie.
The always popular Andrew Keegan. Thin. No?

Joe Jackson - Perth

Josh Duhamel on the set of his new film.
"I'm going to need you to put more photos of me up on Saturday."
Donna Summer - New York
A first time appearance for Dash Mihok.

Rashida Jones better have picked me up one of everything at the swag suites or she is going to the bottom of Random Photos permanently. Not off mind you. No, I am way too forgiving for that. It's why my ex-wives always cheated on me. That and I'm obese.

Another first timer. This time it's Matthew Borlenghi.
Leighton Meester and Michelle Trachtenberg. Nothing to say. I guess it just kind of expected that as a gossip site you are supposed to put them up. Don't know why really.
You have got to be f**king kidding me.
Jojo is another first timer.

Usher - New York

Damn. Now Tom Cruise's shoes have ended up on royalty.
Steve Guttenberg apparently is stuck back in the 80's when he was popular. Is that a Members Only jacket?
Our reader photo of the day. No, not the blue one. The other one. No, not the half hidden security guard. The woman in the middle. Yes. See her now? Good.
Everyday is a good day when you see Rex Lee. "Lloyd!"

Your Turn

So, I thought today that I would share some of my favorite lines from films. There are obviously lots more, and some I couldn't find, but this will give you a great start. When I could find a clip, or a link to a clip, I provided it, otherwise, I have given you just the line.

First up is a great line from Better Off Dead



As I have mentioned previously, one of my favorite lines of all time from Vacation.



You have to go about 10 seconds in on this clip to see this line from Mr. Mom



From Fletch

Chief Karlin: What do you do for a living, Mr. Fletch?
Fletch: I'm a shepherd.

This is from Boiler Room. I found the clip, but it is 8 minutes long, so just left in the one line I love.

Jim Young: Anybody who tells you money is the root of all evil doesn't fucking have any.

From Dogma

Loki: Mass genocide is the most exhausting activity one can engage in, outside of soccer.

A great clip from Sixteen Candles



Fast Times At Ridgemont High

Mike Damone: I came over to help you out with your math homework. I figured you could use it on such a hot day...

The Jerk

Navin: It was never easy for me. I was born a poor black child.

Zoolander

Matilda: I became...
Hansel: What?
Matilda: Bulimic.
Derek Zoolander: You can read minds?

Uncle Buck

Marcie Dahlgren-Frost: Marcie Dahlgren-Frost. Dahlgren is my maiden name, Frost is my married name. I'm single again, but I never bothered to remove the frost. And I get compliments on the hyphen.

The Ref

Gus: Your husband ain't dead, lady, he's hiding.

Ted C Blind Item Part Two

Morgan Mayhem is up to her old tricks. Well, I guess they can't really be considered old if she never stopped doing them?

Ms. May has a load of talents, but her best (and most often used) one is alienating her amigos. One of the buds she's burned as of late is the brother of one of her former flames, Dare to Do Me, the cute eye candy from a band still pretty popular on the charts. M2 is still psycho for the rocker she's shared several rendezvous romps with in the past, but D.D.'s moved on to focus on his music, good boy. Morg still keeps Dare's bro around, prolly as a resource if the fella ever wants to play with this par-tick groupie again.

Morgy is prone to wrestling up some wacky stuff to put her so-called friends through. She'll call the dreamy Do Me's brother up on a random weekday, claming she just bought them both plane tickets to Europe for that very day. If that wasn't spontaneous and silly enough, Do Me 2 will pick May-babe up and drive her to the airport, only to find out there's no ticket for him. Girl just straight up lies. Can you imagine that in Los Angeles? Oh, you shouldn't treat pals like that, M2, especially when they're related to amours you may want to snag back once you're finished with your current, more curious, conquests.

But listen up: Maybe it's not all drugs, dudes and rock 'n' roll with Mayhem, after all. Close buds swears Morgan's got a bona fide mental disorder that would explain her notorious behavior. It ain't chemicals or drink that's driving this doll up the walls—just like Britney's problemos were more brain-centered than everyone first thought. For real: Morgan insists there exists, somewhere in ultraluxurious, née looney, la-la land, a special private jet that takes celebs from L.A. to London in one hour. Swears.

Jeez, why isn't somebody helping this broad? She's screaming for aid, really. Nobody's listening.

Yay Readers

I feel like I am writing one of those Christmas letters that get sent out each year saying how perfect a family is and how they didn't have one argument or disagreement and that little Joe waked on water for the first time, and how proud the parents are. How everyone did not eat any junk food all year and spent 2,000 hours volunteering at inner city schools as mentors while Daddy Joe personally built 14 houses with his bare hands during the year, all while getting four raises at work and turning down sex with Reese Witherspoon.

So, in the past week, readers have been sending me things they are doing, and instead of just putting it in Your Turn which is great today btw, I thought I would do little bragging on them. Margarita has called this her 15 minutes of fame because she got a video and an article on Marvel.com. I just think it is hard work. Fashion and superheroes? Margarita has got you covered. I hijacked the video from Marvel, so everyone better click over to the site and read the accompanying article so that way they get their pound of flesh.



Then of course there is Alison who has been a reader forever and is on the show Britain's Got Talent as Diva Las Vegas. You can read all about her efforts here.

Let's see. Oh, our favorite original Spice Girl Lianne Morgan is back. She became a reader after I snarked her I think. I may have been nice, but I find that hard to believe. Anyway, now she keeps in touch. Constantly. She is starting a new tour and it kicks off at the Hard Rock Cafe in Cardiff in a few weeks. Let me know if you need tickets and I will bug her. If you want to listen to her new tunes or say hi, click here.

Curt, our reader from Tears For Fears is indeed taking all of your advice and having an album release party. Unfortunately, it is small. Very small. Therefore not everyone can come. BUT, I can get one reader and a guest in on June 10th here in LA, so let me know if you are interested in going. Curt will be doing some acoustic sets throughout the night.

No one got married this week although I know of at least a few readers who are due to give birth in the next several weeks and so hopefully they will share photos of the newborns. No actual birth photos please.

But Who Has The 10 To 8 Shift?

I'm a little confused. I know, I know, what's new? But this one really has me puzzled, and it could have been resolved with one simple question, which of course wasn't answered because Billy Bush is doing his very best Larry King impression in an effort to beat Ryan Seacrest to that gig when Larry's puppeteers finally thrown in the towel.

Marc Anthony was on The Billy Bush show yesterday and went on and on about how he and Jennifer Lopez don't have a nanny and are doing the whole raising of the twins themselves. I'm thinking to myself ok, they obviously don't have any money because I just don't see Jennifer doing anything that could possibly inconvenience her. Then of course I remembered that Marc is famous for lying his ass off, and so it all started to make sense, and he could have been caught in his lie if Billy had asked one simple question. Unfortunately if something isn't actually written down for Billy in advance that task is impossible.

Billy: How are you today?

Celeb: My father just passed away.

Billy: So are you excited about that new film you have coming out?

Celeb: This is really just a sad time for our family.

Billy: Any on set romances or crazy jokes on set?

Anyway, Marc said that he takes the 10pm to 8am shift every day. I have no problem believing that because he is half vampire. The only problem is he sucks his own blood which is why he looks so damn pale. So, why was Marc being interviewed? He's currently on tour for something or other and so the question that should have been asked is, so who has your shift while you are on tour, and Marc would have said, they have someone for while he is gone and for when they go out and for when Jennifer needs to go shopping and for when she needs a nap, but the person isn't a nanny. It's a babysitter.

Pete Wentz Is Right

Pete Wentz has had to defend his decision to lie his ass off about Ashlee Simpson being pregnant and refusing to confirm it. My feeling is that celebrities can lie all they want. Is it really any of our business if someone is getting married or divorced or has a boil on the side of their ass that looks like Nixon?

Of course not. Just like you wouldn't want your neighbors popping over to your house every morning asking if everything was ok in your relationship, celebrities don't have an obligation to provide the information. Everyone is all out of whack because Pete decided to take the lead on the pregnancy thing and keep it secret until after the first trimester. I fully support that decision, just on the grounds of good luck. The only thing I question was that he says he did it for the baby's health and that he didn't want Ashleee to have any stress about it.

It seems to me that she had much more stress than she would have if they had just confirmed it and got it over with in the first place. Second, if you don't want the news to leak, maybe you should not have shared it with anyone. Kind of ruins the whole bad luck thing. This is especially true when you share the news with Pimpa because as you are talking he is dialing and selling that information to someone.

Pam Anderson Sells Herself Again

Most of the time when a celebrity auctions off a date with themselves for charity, it is what they say it is, or less. A meet and greet, or quick lunch, or something where they can say they are doing something for charity, but where they don't actually have to pretend they are giving a s**t for long.

Well Pamela Anderson is auctioning off herself in Dubai for the Make A Wish foundation. We all know what happened last time she sold herself for money. She got married. Rick Saloman bought Pamela for $200,000 and got to have sex with her and she got married. She is another year older now, so the most she could hope for is about $6.50. Of course she is in Dubai, and they are flush with oil money now and some guy might need a 14th wife or something and so her price may shoot all the way up to $21.42 plus three camels.

I just can't believe there is anyone out there who would actually buy a date with her. I mean I know there are people who think she is the greatest thing since cheese in a pizza crust, but I think these people are the same people who think Baywatch was real and that The Hoff is a world famous singer.

Richard Reviews Matt & Kim

So when I got the invitation for a writer to review Wednesday night's Matt & Kim concert, I remembered how much everyone has loved the commentary of our reader Richard and knew he would be brutally honest, while at the same time hoplessly entertaining. What I got was something much more. Enjoy.


Lo-lee-ta. My sin, my soul. White Widowed Male – and I shall add middle-aged. When cancer left me a widower at the age of 36, grief lit the fuse that shot me into middle-age. Surf lessons; a tattoo; a week in Rio with a well-endowed blonde (both God given). Perhaps it was all a bit cliché, but nothing was injurious or illegal. I was chasing youth – my own. Was it a midlife crisis or, as I now see it, magical thinking to return me to that time when I first arrived in NYC as a student and anything was possible? Under a veil of concern for my well-being, friends expressed their disapproval of some of my choices.

Last night I climbed down from the ivory tower of academia and headed to Soho to hear Matt & Kim give a concert at the Black Swan Wine Bar. Kim plays drums; Matt plays keyboard. They live in Brooklyn . They write their own music. They travel around playing shows, having fun. It was an invite only little gig and I RSVP’d with a plus one. Then it hit me: I couldn’t ask any of my friends to go to this because they are looking for an excuse to do an intervention. Over the years I have established a double life and going to hear Matt & Kim would fall into the category of things I do not tell my friends I do. The fact that the Black Swan Wine Bar on Greene Street was just blocks from where I originally lived more than 20 years ago resonated with me. Sure, CBGB is now a John Varvatos shop, but that doesn’t mean that good, original music isn’t being created.

I left the office early, took a yoga class at the Soho Equinox and then wandered over to the event. I passed Burberry, APC, J. Crew, Vuitton, and every other retail establishment that chased out the community that made Soho, Soho . The changes in Soho over the past 20 years paralleled the changes in my own life. How much more of a sign do you need that this isn’t for you. You no longer are the poor student crashing who used to crash gallery openings for free food. Hail a cab now and you’ll be home in time to watch Countdown with Keith Olbermann

I circled around the block and got in line outside the venue. The guy behind me was complaining that his roommate’s girlfriend has been eating his food and deliberately smoking in the apartment which she knew was against the rules that he and his roommate established. I’m having issues with my coop board because there is a ‘no bicycle in the passenger elevator’ rule, so, you know, my life isn’t that different from that of the others attending this concert. Aren’t we all just fighting the MAN?!?! Okay, even I can’t say that with a straight face.

Entry into the club goes smoothly. I am immediately greeted by a waiter with a tray of sushi. I make my way toward the bar and state my preference for the Black Swan red. People keep pouring through the door. They are all young – very young. Most of the men have facial hair. There is a subgroup of the facial hair guys wearing trucker hats. The women have tattoos and funky glasses. Their style of dress tends to fall into one of 2 categories: plaid button front shirts or sleeveless t-shirts that allows the tattoos and bra straps to be prominently displayed. I move toward the back by the DJ and watch my fellow revelers dance. They are fluid and free, dancing in groups without defined pairings. Suddenly I feel old and lecherous.

I take out my camera and one of the plaid shirt wearing women sees what I am doing. She stops dancing and pulls one of the guys from the group next to her. Have I crossed a line? Am I being too prurient? They both flash me a big smile and wave. I begin talking with the woman next me about Matt and Kim. She saw them last summer and then a couple of months ago in Brooklyn . Yeah, she’s a fan. She says their music is good: it’s fun. I realized that was the vibe in the room: fun. Yes, there was free flowing wine but that wasn’t what was fueling this event.

About an hour and a half into the event Matt and Kim took the stage and began to play. The crowd started singing along and dancing and I was immediately sucked in. Kim’s drumming provided a driving energy that is honest and earthy. Matt was jamming on the keyboard. They were up there having a good time and clearly loving what they were doing. You couldn’t help but be swept up in the fun. Remember those days of dancing to Rock Lobster (before your tin roof rusted) or a bit later to REM’s End of the World and shouting ‘Leonard Bernstein’ at the top of your lungs. That is what it felt like at the Matt and Kim concert last night.
Go to their website and buy a tune. Listen to it while you are on the elliptical machine and have fun. Better yet, introduce your kids to the music of Matt and Kim and check out their touring schedule to see if you can catch a concert. I don’t delude myself into thinking that I can pass as a 20 something hipster. For a half an hour last night I allowed myself to get lost in the music and to have fun. Matt and Kim poured their heart and soul into the performance and the audience took it in and gave it back to them.

Today I’ll take the LIRR to Southampton for a weekend get-away that Manhattanites of a certain age and professional standing aspire to. The weekend will be nice; it will be relaxing; it will be what is expected of me so that my friends do not worry. One weekend I’ll slip a Matt and Kim song in the mix during a barbeque and watch my friends respond. I know some of them will get into it and ask for the name of the group. The others, well, I may need to rethink our friendship.

Well That Is One Way To Get Them Out

Do you remember a month or so ago I wrote about 50 Cent and how he was trying to kick his baby mama Shaniqua Tompkins out of the house he allegedly bought her and how he wants her and the kids to move back to the projects? Well, I don't remember the projects part either, but he wasn't going to give her any money and kick her out.

Well, now, things have taken a turn for the worse. I'm guessing 50 woke up in a bad mood or he and Jessica had a fight or he found out he wasn't that baby daddy. Who knows? And who knows if 50 was even involved, but Shaniqua and five other people were awakened this morning at around 5am by a fire that destroyed the $1.4M house. All six people who were in the house were taken to a nearby hospital to be treated for smoke inhalation.

The firefighters are calling the fire suspicious. Well, I know it wasn't Shaniqua who did it because she has no motive. 50 Cent is not a suspect at this point. He might not be a suspect, but all I'm saying is that this is very strange timing. Now 50 doesn't have to worry about the eviction does he? Will 50 step up and find her a new house, or will he not pick up the phone when she calls.

Ted C. Blind Item

Remember Furrowed Frank, the big TV figure who has a straight trainer whom he sends out to hunt for bedtime playmates at the gym where they both train? Sure ya do! Only because the heartless fagola lothario is so predictably dude about it all, and not only does he not bother to secure his own ass assignations (thinks he'll be too recognized, as if F.F. standing by drooling while the deal's going down isn't obvs enough), he ditches the poor guys right after he's had his way with them.

Why are men—both gay and het—so damn unconcerned with their partner's feelings, huh? Were we all kicked as children, or something? Regardless, F.F. and his muscled accomplice continue right along with their disposable mattress machinations, blithely unaware the A.T. is totally on to them. Or not?

Went to a snot-butt din-din party the other night, and who would be seated across from me other than F2's prime purveyor of all things manly and clandestine—yes, the trainer himself. And said pro pumper is either one smart deltoid dude, or he's as dumb as Lindsay Lohan's current life coach. 'Cause, how can I put this? Let's just say I was given the opportunity, if I cared to, to take a turn on F2's casting bench.

I demurred. After all, I'm married now...otherwise?

Today's Blind Items

#1 - This B- list television (hit network show) and film (top ten film 3 different years) has turned into a bit of an obsessive compulsive. He has always had little quirks and superstitions, but now his habits are starting to change his life in a negative way. He hates going anywhere now, and when he does it is a process that can take up to an hour. For some reason, when he arrives where he is going he is fine, but it is the leaving the house that just gets longer and longer.

#2 - Speaking of obsessiveness, this former film A lister with the really bad hair issues and now a comfortable B has changed the entire carpeting in his house five times over the past year. He is single handedly keeping a store in business. Seems that he has to like the way the carpet feels on his bare feet. The store has offered to provide him samples, but our whacked out actor insists that the carpet has to be in the house and in its place for him to get a true sense of its feel. Uh huh. Maybe he should just wear slippers. Total cost this year has been about $175,000 on carpeting, installation, removal and labor.

Random Photos Part One - With A Reader Photo

Anna Faris makes it to the top of the photos. Yes, I like her, but she made it through hard work, effort, and because I was lazy and her name begins with an A.
Anderson Cooper decides to take advantage of California's gay marriage law by announcing that he and Elmo will be getting married June 17 and thereby making their relationship official.
Bowling For Soup - Los Angeles

Whatever I think about Bryan Adams personally, I will say that he is a hell of a photographer. I mean, he made Amy Winehouse look good.
Guess Ben Affleck decided that the wedding ring was too heavy for his finger.
I'm sorry Ali, I don't know how you ended up way down here. It won't happen again, and dare I say you look lovely.
Adrian Grenier looks lovely as well now that his beard is gone.
At least David Arquette's shoes match the jacket.

David Archuleta - New York
It's Mrs. Garrett!!!!
The absolutely hilarious Chelsea Handler.
Christina Aguilera rocking the vote. Who thinks that the stars that do these spots actually vote?

How often do you suppose Gary Busey calls Jake?

Jenna she used to be Bush on her honeymoon. Is dude pouting already? He needs to get over it if they are going to make it longer than a year or two.
Emmanuelle Chriqui is probably my favorite actress right now. Of course that could just be the dress making me think that.
The Hoff, and are those satin pants?
David Cook - New York
Keanu Reeves makes the crosswalk a runway.

You know if Kevin James made $12 an hour his wife would never let him go out of those house wearing that. I think the rules somehow change though when you make $12M a film, and the wife suddenly says it looks fabulous?
I hope they played some music. From L-R, Juanes, Youssou N'Dour, Bono and MISHA.
And Jackie Sandler tells the world that she is not carrying Adam Sandler's baby, but has instead been knocked up by David Spade.
Is this the first time Jamie Pressly's son has been in the photos? Is he really a year old? Damn that was fast.

Seann William Scott and Jenna Fischer?

How about Steve Conrad and Jenna Fischer? Look at her checking that arm to see if he works out.
Moby - New York
How I have missed seeing Lucy Lawless all the time. She looks great.
Who doesn't love Lainie Kazan?
The last thing this world needs is a reason for Pink's to get more backed up. Just because this is Tori's first experience seeing anything over two inches should not shut down the production of the hot dogs.

A first timer to the photos, Thomas Ian Nichols.
Suze Orman is my friend late at night on the weekends. Thanks Suze. Just do me one favor. Please stop referring to everyone as girlfriend. Thank you.
Our reader is the woman at lower right. Obviously a Jimmy Buffet fan. I say that, but honestly, they could have just graduated from balloon making school.
One of the top ten sweetest people in the world is Megyn Price.

Did He Throw It Across The Room?

In a miracle of science that would make even Tom Cruise proud, Clay Aiken has impregnated someone. No, he isn't the father of the man having a baby, but rather the woman he lives with when he in LA. Jaymes Foster is 50 years old and has no kids, so she decided she wanted to have little Clay Aiken's running around and he knocked her up.

No, not by actually having sex. That would be so dirty. No, instead he picked up some gay porn and donated some sperm manually. And when I say manually, well I was going to make a joke about more men, but I think everyone has pretty much got the point. And when I say point, I think, ahh, never mind.

I'm happy for the woman who just happens to be David Foster's sister, but I'm thinking she could have picked almost anyone on the planet who would have been a better choice than Clay. Clay wants to be a hands on parent. See, that's why she could have picked almost anyone else in the world and done better.

Daily Mirror Blind Item

Which unfortunate WAG turns a blind eye to her long-term footballer boyfriend's sleazy off-field antics, and continues to tell embarrassed pals that the pair will be together forever?

Sharon Stone Changes Her Name To Wo Ai China

I think we all know what motivates Sharon Stone and it is a paycheck. When Dior said bye bye to ads in China for her and threatened to cancel her contract, all of a sudden Sharon Stone throws on a Mao jacket and says down with Tibet. In her apology, Sharon offered to do relief work, and professed her love for General Tso's chicken.

Listen, I don't agree with any word that Sharon Stone said about the earthquake. She's an idiot and she gets what she deserves, BUT, to change her tune only when money is on the line is just as bad. Sharon Stone believed what she said. She didn't suddenly change her mind about karma or anything like that. What changed her mind was the fact that her sources of income were going to dry up faster than that thing she calls a vay- jay- jay at a Clay Aiken concert.

So in addition to being an idiot, we now know that her opinion doesn't matter because she will whore it out for the right price. Now, I'm not saying she is alone here. She's not. All too often celebrities will whore out their opinion. Hell, even "everyday people" whore out their opinion. Want to impress your boss? Get a raise? Ever agreed with them to make things a little smoother? Sure you have. If not with a boss, then with a friend.

Don't worry about. It is human nature. But, what makes all of us better than Sharon Stone is that we would have never made such an idiotic statement in the first place.

Shania Twain Divorce A Publicity Stunt?

Look, the chances of this being a publicity stunt are small, but I do have some questions that I would like answered. From what I understand, Kneepads Magazine got a call from someone in Switzerland and said that Mutt Lange and Shania Twain were divorcing. Additional rumor mongering suggests it was Shania herself who made the call or at least had her rep make the call and then Shania got on the phone at some point and her only comments thus far have been to Kneepads.

The story was spun about the other woman so that way Shania would come out as the angel in this even though we all know that she isn't. Mutt, who doesn't need positive publicity to have a good career suddenly has another woman. Who gets the interview with the other woman? Kneepads.

Wow. So, the woman who was accused by the magazine of being the other woman agrees to be interviewed by that same magazine. Sure, that happens a bunch doesn't it? It also seems really strange that all the other tabloids have pretty much stayed away from this and that it seems to be just a Kneepads thing.

When have you ever seen another woman story without some of the details coming out about where they met to do the dirty, how they got away with it, how this wasn't the first time, etc. There have not been any new details that have emerged since the story first was published. No details. None. The couple has friends and someone would have spilled for the right amount of money. No spilling means no dirt.

None of that here. All we have here is Shania getting some great publicity for that new album. People feeling sorry for her. No one will even remember Mutt or the other woman in a few months so no harm, no foul there, and Shania can have her resurrection right on the cover of People. I would imagine they probably have four more covers planned for her in the next six months, with an additional 3 or 4 photos on the cover over that same span.

Now, all of this may just be my imagination working overtime, but there is something that is just not quite right about this whole thing. Guess we will see how it plays out.

Beverly Hills Cop - The Retirement Years

According to Variety, the suits over at Paramount saw how much money Indiana Jones raked in after such a long absence so now they are getting Axel Foley out of the closet so to speak and making a fourth Beverly Hills Cop. In my mind, Axel who is about 50 would be living out his retirement in West Hollywood with his lover Rosewood who has given up police work and become a R&B singer known as Billy Rose.

Before he came out, Axel was married to Jenny Summers but she grew tired of always having Billy hanging out in more ways than one around the house and so she left to go move in with Taggart. Turns out she really has a thing for older guys. Axel attempted to keep up the charade by dating a series of models, but they didn't understand why Axel and Billy always wanted to sleep together and play with their guns.

Now, one of the models he "dated" has turned up dead on Halloween in Key West and it is up to the boys to blend in and work to find the killer while at the same time enjoying their freedom.

You think that is how the suits over at Paramount are seeing this?

New Line Cinema Sucks

Everywhere you have turned for the past few months it seems like every company no matter how big or small was offering the chance to win, or purchase two tickets to the NY premiere of Sex And The City. I would rather get a paper cut on my eyeball than to go the premiere or see the film, but I understand the attraction for people and don't begrudge them as I would hope they would not begrudge me my 24 hour Hooper and Stroker Ace marathons.

Radio City Music Hall holds 6,000 people. Apparently New Line Cinema allowed that to be oversold by about 3,000 people. So 3,000 people who had traveled across the country or spent thousands and thousands of dollars on tickets hoping to see the sagging breasts of Kim Cattrall or the bad hair of Matthew Broderick were turned away at the door.

Although the tickets did say first come first serve, the tickets were not advertised that way when sold, given away or auctioned off for charity. They were advertised as two tickets to the NY premiere of Sex And The City. If I were a New Line attorney this morning I would be wondering just how many people out of the 3,000 people turned away will actually be suing and what their damages are.

The NY Daily News profiles one of the families in an article today, and they are in remarkably good spirits considering they spent about $16,000 in total on their Sex And The City experience, and then never got in.

Next time, maybe the executives could count how many seats there are actually are, and then give away the same number of seats. Any extras seats for no-shows? If you can't find a few hundred people outside the premiere who want to go, then you probably should have not filmed the movie.

Sounds Like A Blind Item Huh?

After ten years of alleged physical and mental abuse, as well as adultery, drug use and sexual addiction, Jennifer Murray finally had enough of Bill Murray and filed for divorce. In what sounds like a great book just waiting to be written, Jennifer accuses Bill in her divorce complaint of drug addiction, abandonment, physical abuse and adultery. Oh, and doing Caddyshack lines over and over and over.

Jennifer actually moved out of the marital home about two years ago, and it is in the new home she purchased where Bill Murray at least one occasion hit Jennifer in the face and told her she was lucky he didn't kill her or at least make her watch Quick Change and Mad Dog And Glory back to back. Wait, that actually would have probably killed her.

If a pre-marital agreement is ruled valid, Jennifer would be entitled to $7M. That should give her plenty of time to sit down and write that book. To see, the divorce documents or the pre-marital agreement, you can click here.

I'm just glad that Jennifer managed to break free from, what she makes sound like a nightmare of a relationship. Hopefully their four kids won't be affected too much from all of this. Bill Murray released a statement through his attorney that basically said he was sad the marriage was over. Presumably he was sad because now he won't have a woman around that he can beat the crap out of and will have to look for someone new on who to take out his aggression and prove he is a real man by beating a woman. F**k off Bill.

NY Daily News Blind Item

Which wife of a major real estate developer hired a private eye to confirm her husband is gay? Surprise! The investigator discovered the hubby was actually a regular customer of a female escort service.

But What About My Valentine's Day Prediction?

In Touch is reporting that George Clooney and Sarah Larson are done. This can't be happening. This was one of my favorite Valentine's Day picks and so they are just going to have to work out their differences. Either George is going to have to start opening the checkbook more or Sarah is going to have to learn that being a girlfriend to an actor means you can be an actress. I don't care what it takes, but these two have to be together and engaged next February. Have to be.

Now that we have that settled everyone can get back to work, or play, or staring at the clock as the hands on its face creep slowly towards 5.

Today's Blind Items

This A list television actor on a hit network show must feel like he can get away with anything at this point. For at least the third time, his girlfriend has caught him in bed with someone. Well, to be perfectly accurate, not always in bed. One time he was getting orally serviced while standing up in his trailer when the girlfriend came in. Oh, and another time it was on the couch, not the bed. But, you get the point. The latest incident was actually in a bed, and for the first time actually occurred at the home they share. He knows she won't leave and so has told her that she just needs to deal with it if she wants to be with him.

Random Photos Part One - With A Reader Photo

Holy Schneikes Ashley Olsen looks normal, and, dare I say it. Pretty. For just looking normal she deserves the top spot. I will say that the Great Van Susteren hair really needs to go, but other than that. Great.

I can't believe that Anne Hathaway even has any cash with her boyfriend around. Figured he would check her purse first thing each night when she fell asleep.
The joy of a mother and daughter on the daughter's second birthday.

Birthday cake - $100

New Clothes - $200

Knowing that a magazine is paying for it all and much more - Priceless

Emmy Rossum almost got the top spot. Then I forgot, and so she is down here under the photo of new ways to exploit your kids.
Eva Longoria gets some on the job training for when Desperate Housewives ends and Tony Parker finally dumps her.
Cynthia Nixon just because.
Would you rather have Jason Lewis?

Or Giles Marani?
Well, I have a funny feeling you could have them both if you really set your mind to it.
Gem and Mickey Rourke.
Fergie trying to relive her middle school prom.
Lindsay Lohan at her night job.

Katie Couric and the daughters. The daughter on the left kind of looks like Ally Sheedy.
Jessica Seinfeld spent the entire film trying to capture every piece of dialogue. Yep, she has an original idea for a film called Sex In The Country.
Jennifer Hudson was also a top spot consideration, but I got lazy and had already put her here. She really does look good.
Also looking like a little slice of heaven is Idina Menzel.
I really need one of these for the basement. No, not Maggie, although that could be fun.

Meanwhile, at the Mexico City premiere for Sex And The City.
First it was Denise Richards and now Mario Cantone. Those celebrities sure do love the military.
What every well dressed baseball player in Japan is wearing these days.
Matthew Broderick had a Ted Koppel look-a-like contest to get to after the premiere. Matthew Broderick has aged about 50 years in the last two months.
Put a quarter in the machine and they all start to move. What the hell is Jay Leno doing there?

A new look for Natalie Imbruglia and I like it.
Mena Suvari needs to go back to the short hair. Right now she kind of looks like David Spade in Joe Dirt. Business in the front and a party in the back.
The always lovely Molly Sims.
Mary J. Blige is just about perfect.

It's the Farrells.

Saul Williams - London
Shia gets a bunch of points because unlike most celebrities, I actually think he listens to the groups on the shirts he wears.
Snoop Dogg- Los Angeles
And last, but not least, our reader photo of the day. The reader is the one on the left.

Heidi Read Biblical Passages

I think Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have reached new heights in jumping the shark. In the many years of competition, I don't think anyone has jumped quite so high. Congratulations you two. In an effort to get some kind of value for the money US Weekly is paying Heidi and Spencer, they have decided to play out this soap opera as hard as they can.

It really is like a soap. You can stop watching for two years and people are doing the exact same thing as they were doing previously. Oh sure, they've aged and they might have slept with 20 people while you have been gone, but it all returns to the place it started. In this week's installment, Heidi poses in a veil on the cover of US to show that she has changed her mind about marrying Spencer. Apparently he now can do no wrong and she should have never said no in the first place.

What more likely happened is that US took a whole bunch of photos of Heidi in a veil and then a wedding dress and then maternity wear and needed to use some of them so they had her get engaged again. What was the clincher for Spencer? Bible verses. Yep, the same Spencer who goes drags Heidi to church every week. Oh, wait. They don't go to church do they? No, but it didn't stop Heidi from grabbing the bible and reading verses to Spencer.

"Heidi read me biblical passages like 'Honor thy wife.'"

Then they went out and had Heidi pose like a stripper for when they need some extra cash and Spencer made time with the cabana boys.

I Just Can't Do It

No matter how much a fan I am of train wrecks, I just can't seem to make myself actually press the button which will allow the sounds of Jessica Simpson's new song to hit my ears. I honestly think I would prefer listening to one of Michael Lohan's sermons than listening to Jessica Simpson sing country. Oh, I think it will sell ok. I mean she does have a marketing genius for a father. Oh, I still abhor him, but he is good at what he does. I just don't like to think too far beyond the basics when it comes to him.

The whole Tony Romo thing is great marketing. The whole maybe she sleeps with everyone and maybe she doesn't thing is good stuff. She sells sex well, and with her dad feeding her lines, she even makes it sound like country is where she has always wanted to be.

"I grew up in Texas, and country music was what I listened to. I always wanted to make a country album, but I wanted to wait until the time was right."

The fact that when she was breaking out in pop that she always said she listened to pop music growing up is probably just a misquote. And as I've said before, if anyone had actually bought her last album, the time for country still wouldn't have happened. But she'll be out at the county fairs this summer, faking smiles and wearing those daisy dukes while dad hopes for a down blouse photo that he can sell to the tabs to pick up some pocket change. With all that being said, I still just can't c-l-i-c-k.

I Didn't Do It Changes To Guilty Plea

Gary Dourdan has plead guilty to possessing cocaine and Ecstasy, but had a heroin possession charge dropped in exchange for a guilty pleas. Of course he won't serve any jail time because that would be wrong, and in fact the charges will be dropped as long as he completes his probation and a treatment program. Not rehab mind you, but a treatment program. Rehab would mean admitting that he was addicted to drugs, and just because someone has a car loaded with drugs and is sleeping on the side of the highway should in no way be considered as having a problem with drugs.

Hell, until the guilty plea today, Gary was adamant that he was innocent and that none of the drugs belonged to him.

"I am blessed that the Sgt. realized that the luggage carrying whatever they found was not mine and that my tests have been coming back negative."

Ummm. Yeah. Don't worry. For those of you who think Gary deserved some jail time, there is no way this guy can make it through probation without screwing up. Do I wish him ill will? Of course not, but to send out e-mail after e-mail and tell any reporter who would listen that the drugs weren't his and on and on and on, and then do a 180 and plead guilty, just doesn't sit right with me.

The only reason he changed his story was he realized he wasn't going to win and didn't want to be convicted of three felonies and spend some time behind bars. This way he can be out and about driving with the rest of the population.

NY Post Blind Item

WHICH actress whose name has been dragged through the weeds more than once should know who is selling her secrets to the celebrity magazines? Residents of her Village building are buzzing that one of their doormen has been dropping dimes on her, even picking up tips for the paparazzi on where she'll be from her employees.

Debra Winger Writes A Snoozer

The headline kind of sounds Variety-ish, ergo cheesy. I like cheese. Actually I love cheese, and am not shy about it. Anyway, Debra Winger has a new book coming out which promises to reveal lots and lots about her life. The book is entitled Undiscovered, and honestly if this is the advance stuff, then you would be better off getting the book at the library and there won't be a wait.

When a celebrity writes a book, or an author is writing a book about someone, they always release the juicy stuff first to get everyone excited. So, with Debra Winger, I'm expecting some kind of Richard Gere orgy kind of stuff or how she helped John Travolta shave his ass. Something. Anything. You know what we got?

Jack Nicholson once wanted her to go with him on the search for the best brothel in Germany. Wow, Jack Nicholson at the height of his fame looking for a hooker. That's a f**king shocker and worth every penny of the $30 book. You have got to be kidding me.

"I had never been there (to Germany) and was relentlessly joking with Jack (Nicholson) about how I, as a Jew, would be treated. He finally told me to stop, that these paranoid fantasies had little to do with modern Germany and that I should relax and enjoy the trip - and perhaps join him on his search for the perfect brothel."

That's it. No followup. No additional questions, no probing so all the reader is left with is plain and vanilla. The possibilities for a Debra Winger tell all are staggering and all we get is this? Call me when she decides to tell us how much Travolta loved riding the bull or how Richard Gere liked wearing her Wonder Girl costume.

So I Guess Kirsten Will Be Suing Everyone? Nope

Ahhh, Kirsten Dunst. I have a love hate relationship with you, and this one really tests the limits. I really wanted to talk about this yesterday, but just didn't have the chance. According to an interview Kirsten gave to E!, she sought treatment at Cirque because she was depressed. This of course comes just a few days after reports drifted out of the atmosphere that Eva Mendes was at Cirque to research a role. No one would ever go there for substance abuse except for Lindsay Lohan.

To make matters worse, Kirsten said that anyone who makes fun of depression or talks about her depression is a really bad person. So, basically she gives an interview to talk about her depression, but no one else can ever talk about the fact she is depressed or we are really bad people. I think she lost me at what the hell is she depressed about anyway? The fact that for some roll of the dice somewhere she has made somewhere close to $40M from acting?

Perhaps she is depressed because she can't decide if she should vacation in Hawaii again or perhaps try Europe. The thing is, that when she says crap like this, it makes light of people who really are depressed.

Kirsten says that reports of her being at Cirque for drug or alcohol abuse are wrong. "I didn't go to Cirque Lodge for alcohol abuse or drug abuse. I went there for depression. It was a good six months before I decided to go away.

"I was struggling, and I had the opportunity to go somewhere and take care of myself. I was fortunate to have the resources to do it."

So, of course Kirsten will be suing all the tabloids right? They all reported she was there for either drugs or alcohol or both and so she must be going to sue. Right? Ummm. No. How come? Please.

I'm With Stupid Shirts Are Big Sellers

Hey, if you are planning on being anywhere near Sharon Stone anytime in the next few years you can go ahead and get one of those I'm with stupid shirts and no one will even blink. Actually they probably wouldn't have blinked before, but now for sure they will know who you are talking about.

Sharon Stone has always been a too good for her own britches idiot who somehow took one role and became a diva despite no discernible acting talent. She's a Hills star who showed pu**y and somehow became famous for that. The only reason that movie wasn't straight to Cinemax was because Michael Douglas was in it. Any other actor and it goes straight to the spank channel.

In perhaps the most boneheaded moves in the history of boneheadedness, Sharon Stone said in an interview that the Chinese earthquake was caused by bad karma. Way to piss off about a quarter of the world's population for a start, and the rest of the population who hears that crap coming out of your mouth. Want to ever get financing for anything again? Not going to happen? Want to be the spokesperson for a charity? Not going to happen? Want a rich person to marry? Unless he wants to keep you in a closet locked at home, it ain't going to happen.

"I'm not happy about the way the Chinese are treating the Tibetans, because I don't think anyone should be unkind to anyone else. And so, I have been very concerned about how to think and what to do about that because I don't like... that.

"I've been concerned about how we should deal with the Olympics, because they're not being nice to the Dali Lama who is a good friend of mine. And then all this earthquake and all this stuff happened, and I thought, is that karma? When you're not nice that the bad things happen to you?"

Wow. Her comments remind me of all the crap that people said after 9/11 or that church group who goes to soldiers funerals. Have you been a bad person Sharon? Is that why your face looks like you get beaten by a bowling ball everyday? Are you a bad person Sharon? Is that why the upskirt photos of you last week looked like you had bigger balls than most guys? By the way Sharon, don't you have like two kids? Where the hell are your kids? I sure do see you gallivanting all over the world, but somehow, your kids are never there.

I'm sure you will come out with some statement saying you were misquoted or misunderstood and then throw some charity thing for the Chinese. "Oh, I know. We'll serve rice." You will then write a song to raise awareness of the problem and probably f**k a Chinese guy or Bai Ling for awhile, just to show you care. Not going to work. Bye.

Tom Better Send A Check Quick

I can only guess that this latest outburst from Nicole Kidman must be because Tom's latest check didn't clear or her cut her off in some way because for the first time since she was on Letterman immediately after divorcing, Nicole Kidman finally digs the knife into Tom. Now, as soon as that check comes in she'll deny she said it quicker than Michael Lohan realized Lindsay was not a lesbian, but for now it will do.

In an interview with Heat magazine, they asked Nicole how come she doesn't spend anytime with her kids. Nicole replied that is because they have been "manipulated" by Tom and that she barely knows them now.

“It’s a pity they have been manipulated by the father to distance themselves from me.”

On Mother's Day she had wanted to spend time with them, but they said to her that they wanted to spend time with their new mom instead. Wow. That has got to hurt. You raise these kids, and then Little Napoleon gets them and because mom isn't in the CO$ she gets the boot and here comes a brand new mommy.

"Wow dad, the new mom looks great, how much was she?"

"Isn't she a beaut, and only a few thousand miles on her."

"Much better than the the old mom, but it isn't like you really drove the old mom very much."

NY Daily News Blind Item

Which A-list couple agreed to let a paparazzo shoot their kids, but only after the lensman agreed to give the family half of the six-figure paycheck? Later the duo got greedy and demanded two-thirds of the loot, telling the pap: "We just got new furniture and need to pay it off."

Today's Blind Items

I didn't even know that these two people knew each other, but just goes to show you that anything is possible. #1 is an A list actor and director, although the director part would probably be closer to B list. Award winning for sure though in both. #1 has a greenhouse on his property and was showing it off to #2. We'll get back to him later. Apparently #1 grows some of the finest pot in the world right there in the back of his house. Nothing else in the greenhouse, just pot. Loves it more than his wife and kid(s), and #2 was suitably impressed and so decided to give it a shot. Oh, not pot. Nope. #2 is an idiot. In and out of rehab and a sad excuse for a C list television actor who has some B list name recognition from the last hit show he was on. #2 figured what the hell and decided to indulge in his drug of choice. Bought a shed at Home Depot, installed it in his backyard and decided he was going to cook his own meth. Yep. Problem is, the idiot didn't know how to make it. Got all the ingredients and just started throwing them together. Too bad he didn't blow himself up, but he has some friends who actually have some brains and made him stop. He had invited them over to watch him cook it all, and they wisely shut him down and threw all the stuff in the trash.

Random Photos Part One - With A Reader Photo

RIP Sydney Pollack

Sailors on shore leave. Brings back all those old memories for Denise Richards.

David Letterman must be listening to an Oprah podcast.
B-52's - New York
"You're What?" (see above)
Liza Minelli - London (I believe she got six standing ovations)

John Ventimiglia on the set of his new film.
No matter how much she may want it to be so, there isn't anyone who is actually waving back at Julianne Hough.
A first time appearance for Gael Garcia Bernal.
"Here's the story, of a lovely lady..."

The Futureheads - Manchester

Our lovely reader photo of the day
It's like watching a military parade. I'm also convinced they always wear the same clothes.
Marlee Matlin and Fabian Sanchez both make their first appearances. Marlee looks incredible.
Mr. and Mrs. Carey arrive in Tokyo.

64 Phone Calls And 8 Hours Of Prepping

Want Michael Jackson at your birthday party? Well, Christian Audigier wanted his long time friend Michael to make an appearance and so Michael did. It only took 64 phone calls, a million details and Michael himself allegedly spending 8 hours to get ready all for approximately 14 seconds in front of everyone.

After being introduced as The King Of Pop. I think he abdicated that throne or had to give the name away in one of those molestation settlements. Anyway, after his introduction, this is what Michael had to say.

"Hello". "Christian is the King of Fashion"

People didn't even hear what he said because they had been clapping so loudly. Apparently they were under the impression that the King Of Socks was there, and they all wanted some with garters. By the time they had gone into the fourth clap, Michael was already done speaking and on his way home to his kids. Oh, how they must have missed him. His method acting of bedtime stories is probably something to behold.

NY Daily News Blind Item - Part Two

Which rotund actress had a romantic rendezvous with a waiter - but only after the server's boss promised him free food and drinks if he "went the extra mile" to keep the thespian happy? One cocaine-fueled romp later, and the waiter has yet to see his payoff. "I slept with the beast for this?" he complained.

Will Smith Is Scared Of Jada

I don't think the headline is anything earth shattering. I think the entire world is scared of Jada Pinkett Smith. Will Smith is probably just more scared because he actually has to sleep next to her. In an interview this weekend, Will said that the reason his marriage has lasted so long and is so strong is because divorce is not an option. In the interview he makes it seem like this was a mutual decision and is some type of marriage breakthrough. What it boils down to though is not advice from Dr. Phil, but a good ass kicking every night from Jada. Do you honestly believe that Will would survive a day if he told Jada he wanted a divorce. Please. You thought Javier Bardem was psycho in No Country For Old Men. Hell, who do you think he modeled the character after?Javier would give up if he had Jada after him. Will Smith would never have another night's sleep if he tried to divorce Jada.

He can spin it all he wants, by spouting nonsense like "That's been a huge part of the success for she and I... We're like, 'Listen, we're gonna be together one way or the other so might as well try and be happy." Yes, you might as well try and be happy because there is no escape. Wonder if she has a little air tank she drags behind her at home just to shake up Will.

Leona Lewis Engaged

You know that 99% of the time I could really give a crap if someone gets engaged or not. Unless I have money on whether they are getting married or I bought the ring, I just don't care. This is a little different situation though. The reason it's different? I just love Leona Lewis' boyfriend's name. Lou Al-Chamaa. Come on now, it's a great name. What does it make you think of? Don't pronounce the damn thing out? We're not playing Wheel Of Fortune here. Just say the name and see if it makes you think of this. "Do you mind if we dance with your dates?"

Miley Hurts On The Inside

Miley Cyrus is apparently hurting on the inside. Much better than hurting on the outside in my opinion. When you hurt on the outside it generally means you have some type of bruise or cut, and everyone can see that you are hurt. So, invariably you are asked over and over what happened. Much better to be hurt on the inside where only you and your therapist or your imaginary friend Paco knows the pain you are feeling.

According to Miley's friend and co-star Anna Maria Perez de Tagle, Miley shares everything with her. "Sometimes I'll talk to her on the phone and she'll be like, 'It's really hard' or 'I'm really tired. I can't do this'.

Wow. Sometimes I'll be at the mall, and like, it really is tough when the line to the valet is long. This may come as a shock to you, but I feel sorry for Miley. No, not because it sounds like her friend has been tutored on set since she was 5, but because Miley is in fact 15 and has a schedule that would kill most of us. All those rules about teens working only seem to apply if you are not worth a billion dollars to a large company. Otherwise it's tough s**t and get back to work. Movies, albums, concerts and television shows. Dad needs to earn his money somehow and if Miley has to work 100 hours a week for dad to get it, then that is what happened. Don't even get me started on the mouse. I'm sure they are right there telling Miley that she needs to do this and that and this is what you need to wear, say, smell, smile at, talk to , laugh at, frown at, sing to, be nice to, and hey, if you get a chance, make sure you don't eat too much.

I give Miley a lot of crap for her MySpace type photos, because by now she must have learned her lesson. BUT, at the same time she is a teen and probably rebelling in the only way she thinks she can. Every kid needs to rebel a little otherwise, they just keep it all bottled inside and become really anal like Sarah Michelle Gellar. Miley's rebel options are kind of limited.

I think that when Miley says she's tired or doesn't want to do something, she probably doesn't want to. I think she also probably thinks she has the world on her shoulders and dad has the whip. When she finally does get loose it is going to be one hell of a ride. Meanwhile, dad will be after his next million with Miley's little sister.

Will There Be Bathroom Sex Involved?

If you have ever wanted to see a talk show being broadcast from the stall of a men's room, now just might be your chance. Russell Brand has been given his very own talk show here in the US. The show which will be eight episodes in length is a result of television executives falling in love with Russell.

I like Russell Brand, but being a good talk show guest doesn't necessarily translate into being a great talk show host. If this were the case, then Richard Simmons would have about 20 Emmy's and 20 years as a talk show host. Don't believe me? Go look at old Letterman clips when Richard Simmons was a guest. Hell of a guest. Would make a lousy talk show host. You just know that at some point, the camera would get just a little to close to those short shorts and an entire generation of people would be frozen in place.

"Don't know what happened to him ma." One day he was watching the television when the crazy dude came on. The camera crashed to the ground and the next thing you know, pa was screaming that his eyes had been burned. He hasn't blinked since."

No Peaches No

I thought that perhaps Peaches Geldof had learned her lesson by getting busted on tape allegedly buying drugs. Nope. Seems she decided that Amy Winehouse is her hero or some other crack head and so spent the weekend hanging out with Pete Doherty. I know, I know. According to The Sun, Peaches and a couple of her friends spent the whole weekend locked up in Pete's apartment. This quality time also included Pete and Peaches locked alone in his bedroom for several hours.

Now, I for one would like to believe that Peaches and Pete had got involved in a game of Scrabble and that after two hours of Pete trying to spell the word cat, they finally gave up. What probably happened is that after two hours of Pete trying to spell the word cat, he said f**k it and tried to smoke it. Or the Scrabble board. Whatever it is, this really can't be a good thing.

NY Daily News Blind Item

Which divorcing hubby is now asking for his sparkly engagement ring back? Problem is, he didn't exactly pay for it himself.

A Mother's Day To Remember

Obviously this would have been more relevant if I had posted it a few weeks ago, but hey, if you have learned anything over the past two years of reading this blog, it is that I'm a bit lazy, or busy or both. Can you be lazy and busy? Is it because you are lazy that you are busy? Anyway, at least it's still May so this is still kind of relevant. Plus, it's all you are getting today unless Mischa Barton decides to show herself. If you think only actresses skip out on Cannes and their obligations, then you obviously didn't read about my adventure tracking down a certain director who should have known better as well. If you haven't read it, shame on you, but just click the label, long blind item at the bottom of this, and you shouldn't have to scroll too far down. Give you something to do anyway if you are at work. Sorry if you are. I probably should be as well, but sometimes you just have to say f**k it. If you did read about the director, then you will enjoy this because it also takes place in Europe. People always e-mail and ask how come I don't write more of the longer items, and the answer is simple. I used to all the time. But, inevitably the longer items involve me, and honestly, too many people read the blog now, and it isn't like I haven't told the stories to other people before, so I try and keep them to a minimum. I know you like them, but there are other people to consider as well, and you have to remember, when I tell them at a party I usually name names. No, not in the big ones. The MV's of the world and some of the other deeply intimate ones, are locked up in the mind. The one you are about to read isn't known to very many people because, honestly, the four of us did some things that we are not necessarily proud of, and as a consequence we were not exactly running back home and sharing it to the rest of the world. That being said, enough time has gone by, that if you ask one of the others, or myself, we are not exactly hiding anything. I mean it is being written now isn't it?

Happened about ten years ago. Throw in a year or so on either side just to make you work, but it isn't the most difficult one in the world to figure out. Four people. #1 is me. Hell, it's my blog, I'll be #1 thank you very much. #2 is a singer and so from now on will refer to him as SR just to keep things easier. Great guy. One hit wonder, but it was a hell of a hit, and he has no problems with being a one hit wonder. If you do figure out him, and see who he worked with when he first started, it does open up a bunch of other clues about another person who has contributed to the blog. This singer was riding the high from this #1 song when this little adventure took place. I absolutely, positively guarantee you that each and every person who is reading this blog has heard this song, and hummed along or sung to it. #3 is an actor. Honestly, doesn't do much now. At the time though had a very nice run going on a very hit show. Although he wasn't with her at the time, he was the guy who introduced me to AP, so you have that whole thing going. He had a very recognizable face and still does if you watch reruns. We will call #3 AR for actor. Finally we have #4. #4 is someone none of you know or will know and is only in the story because he was there, and since he was there, it kind of makes sense for him to be mentioned, although he will not be heard from much, and you will soon discover why. We will call him NN for no name. Cute huh?

I had met SR when he was just starting out because he was friends with and working for one of my best friends at the time. Damn that is vague, but it is what it is. He and I had hung out and liked each other, but lived in different cities. If we happened to be in the same city at the same time we hung out and we kept in touch when not. AR and I had just kind of met by chance at some function or other and at the time he was seeing AP, so I might have wanted to meet her more than him, but it turns out that I ended up with two friends which is really nice. After that initial meeting though, we rarely talked or saw each other. Once or twice a year we would run into each other and do the whole we should hang out more often thing, and of course never did.

So fast forward a few years from when I first met AR, and into the present. The present at the time this happened, and not the present as in now, because, well that would be odd. Turns out AR and SR are working together on something and my name comes up. They are drunk and of course invite me, because, hey, I'm a lush and they know I'll bring booze. So, I go over to AR's house where they are drunk out of their minds, and the next thing you know SR is saying he has a five day window free, and AR just finished shooting his show for the year, and everyone knows I won't be missed where I was working at the time. Too true. The fourth came about because we wanted to go eat some chicken and waffles at 3am and so I called the one guy who had less of a life than me and NN came and picked us all up and he somehow got drafted to be the fourth.

SR had to be in London a week from then, and so we decided to hit Europe. For some reason we decided to go to Amsterdam, but it wasn't for the reasons you think. It was actually because the flights to Paris the next day were completely booked. That had been our first choice. Well, turns out all the flights to Amsterdam were booked as well, but we did find four seats to Brussels. One note. This was prior to the extensive use of internet booking. There may have well been seats available, but the yellow pages, 3am, and being drunk does not lead to much checking beyond one or two calls per city.

So, let's catch you up. As far as I go, I had awakened at probably 8am, worked all day, went home, was about to go to sleep when AR and SR called. Got drunk beyond belief with them, and got maybe two hours of sleep before we got on a plane to from Los Angeles to New York. There may have been a brief nap in between the Bloody's, but it wasn't long. Then got on a flight from New York to Brussels and this is where the real fun starts.

While all the other flights may have been booked, this flight was empty. As in ten people in Business Class and another ten in the back. More crew than passengers. Well, AR seeing the situation on one of the trips to the bathroom says this just won't do. Because the flight attendants were all in love with him, he convinced them to let all the passengers fly up in Business, and then proceeded to drink. We all drank. And drank, and drank. By the time the flight landed, all of the beverage carts were empty. Dry. Nothing. There was one family and the rest were men as I remember. Drinking, cards and swearing, oh and lots of smoking. This airline hadn't switched yet and it was like a thick fog of smoke. Amount of sleep? 0

Landed in Brussels and the first thing that is noticed is that at some point SR has managed to throw up all over himself. Wiped it off to some extent, but looking rough and he was being really surly. Going through customs and everyone is just holding up their passports and getting waved through. Then comes SR. Apparently he had taken offense to a kid from the family stepping on his foot and so was swearing loudly. So much for a smooth ride through customs. "Yes, we are with him. Sure, we'll be glad to wait." Somehow we were on our way really quickly. I just remember that what I thought was probably going to be an hour ended up being like five minutes.

Next. To the car rental counter where we waited and waited and waited. SR had brought a flask and was sipping liberally, and swapping it back and forth with NN. AR decides he is the only one who can drive. I got shotgun which would prove to be very fortunate.

At some point during the flight the four of us had agreed that since we were in Europe, and there to have fun, it hardly made any sense to just make the short drive from Brussels to Amsterdam without seeing a bit of the rest of Europe first. So, we decided to see five countries in one day. Belgium-France-Luxembourg-Germany-The Netherlands, and of course to drink in each country.

So we drank. Belgium was easy, because we had already been drinking so we figured we were good on that front. Got to France and found a place to drink and AR kept himself to one glass of wine while the rest of us each had about a bottle, and took two each for the road. Looking back at it now, perhaps bottles were not the best choice. At some point immediately after crossing the border into Luxembourg, NN and SR who were sitting in the back got into some type of disagreement about space, and who was actually responsible for the four cigarette burns in the rear upholstery of the car. Apparently SR said something to offend NN, which caused NN to take an empty wine bottle and strike SR firmly with it across the forehead. Ahh, nothing like blood streaming from a forehead wound to bring the trip to a rest area. In this case a bar parking lot, because we still had to drink. The bartender had some gauze or tape and there was plenty of liquor with which to clean the wound. So, tape applied and filled with liquor we continued. To Germany and beer. Lots of beer. But first a pit stop on the side of the road. Oh, I forgot to say that part of the deal was to avail ourselves of the outdoors for at least one bathroom break per country. Due to the amount of liquids we were consuming, this in fact took on several stops per country. During a break in Germany doing out business, a motorcyclist came down the highway at about 150 mph. We all remarked at how fast he was going. A short time later as we were going at a much reduced rate down the highway, several police cars and an ambulance made their way past us. Where were they going? Well from the wreckage on the side of the road it appears that perhaps the motorcyclist should have slowed down. Honestly don't know what happened to him, but it didn't look good. On that note we headed to a cafe and got some beers for there and for the road and made our way to Amsterdam.

It was fairly late when we got into Amsterdam, but not quite dark because it was May. Good thing too, because Amsterdam isn't the easiest place to navigate. Imagine an inebriated person with barely any sleep in 48 hours looking at a map and telling the driver to turn left at arnghivstaal street and you can see the dilemma. To this day I don't know he we managed to find our hotel.

Check in, go to our rooms and 30 minutes later we are on our way out. First stop, and it turns out the only stop of the night was a club which featured topless female bartenders and an array of other women whose only goal was to have the customers buy really expensive drinks. It's funny, but AR couldn't go anywhere in LA or for that matter anywhere in the US without being recognized, but, except for the flight over had not been recognized once. He was loving the experience. So when we walked in to the bar and noticed an episode of his show from the first season playing on the television we almost bolted. Funny thing was though even though the entire episode was about him, and he was sitting there in the bar, not a soul recognized him. There was jukebox in the place and we had wanted to create a surreal experience by playing a SR song while AR was on the screen, but SR's song wasn't in the jukebox. Neither myself, SR or AR were really interested in the women. Not so much NN who struck up a conversation with one of the women, left about an hour later with her and didn't show up again until we were about to leave Amsterdam. He's still married to the woman. Yes, awww, and all that. What AR and Sr decided would be fun would be to pay for the drinks of two kids from the UK who were pretending to be about 25 and were more than likely about 17. They were mesmerized by the women, but had run out of funds until SR and AR came along. Wanting the kids to feel like hotshots, SR and AR kept giving the kids money in which to buy drinks and soon had six or seven women all over them. They loved it and SR and AR got a kick out of it. For the most part though this was a party that just wasn't going to get started because the three of us had nothing left to give. At about 4am we walked back to the hotel and called it a night, but not before finding an unlocked bar and no workers. Ahhh free booze. It was like we owned the bar. Trusting lot there at the hotel.

Woke up around 2pm and decided that what was in order was a swim in the North Sea. Sounded really good at the time. Two cases of beer and a few hours later we found ourselves jumping in naked into the North Sea. Funny thing about that sea. It was May and the outside temperature was warm. The water? Not so much. It was about a week before I saw my balls because they had disappeared inside my body not to be seen for sometime.

Another case of beer on the way home and it was time to go out. First stop was a coffeehouse, but honestly we didn't buy any pot. It just didn't seem fun right that second. Next stop, was a biker bar. Didn't know it was a biker bar. Didn't know that the bartender was an American and that he would spend the next hour telling us in great detail why the US was so f**ked up, but he did. We were the only people in the bar and figured his people skills might have had something to do with it. We did stay an hour because we honestly couldn't believe what we were hearing.

We decided to forgo the live sex shows, and instead went to another club which was also completely empty. This was a Saturday night at around 11 or 12 and we literally were the only people in there. Didn't matter though. The bartender who was female and Portuguese was married to the owner who was Dutch. In some half assed Spanish and French we taught them how to make a margarita and a kamikaze and were having a great time and getting very drunk. People started streaming in around 1am or so, and pretty soon I felt a hand on my back and then on my neck, and was thinking to myself, "ok!" Turned around and it was a guy. The whole place was filled with guys. Yep. It was a gay bar. Well this particular gay bar was about to have a Karaoke contest and we decided after seeing SR's song on the play list to enter him right into the contest. First prize was like 1,000 Guilders (yes, before the Euro), and we figured SR would be a shoo in. The guy can sing. No backing tracks or anything like that for him. Ummm. He came in 3rd. To be fair, the guy who won was pretty good, but the guy who came in second did so only because he decided to drop trou and seems that was a real crowd pleaser. No one recognized SR although everyone did sing along which he enjoyed.

Next stop was some college type bar where everyone was singing soccer songs and Abba songs. Honestly, I don't think they played anything else. It was packed and hot, and sweaty and AR got recognized by some American tourists who started screaming. This was not part of the plan, and was not what AR wanted since he and SR were in deep discussions with a dealer who said that he could score some coke. Unfortunately AR just couldn't say, "glad you love the show. You know, could you come back in a little while. My buddy and I are trying to get some coke, and you are kind of ruining it for us."

So, outside we went. As we were walking and discussing a deal, we all found ourselves in the red light district. Funny how that happens huh? Well, the friendly drug dealer told us to enjoy ourselves while he went off to get it and would be back before we finished. Well, all I can say is I he would still be waiting today for me because it just wasn't going to happen for Mr. Shy. Nope, 3 days of drinking and a dunking in the North Sea and the thought of wife #3 in the back of my mind kind of ruined it for me. SR and AR apparently had no such issues. Well, they are used to performing, and I'm not. My excuse anyway. Well the dealer showed up, and he did so with a few of his friends. Apparently he decided that since we had so much cash, perhaps we would be willing to give some to he and his friends. Ummm. Run? Well this wasn't the movies, and running wasn't in the cards so we passed along what money we had. Got to avoid a good ass kicking though. See, there's always a positive.

Stumbled back to the hotel, slept for a few hours, and then it was the drive. You know the one I mean. The one where the fun is done and at least for me all you have to look forward to is that damn desk and at the time, a job which was no fun at all. AR didn't have anything to complain about. He was going on vacation and then to film a movie. NN? Well he got himself a wife, and was sticking around for a few days to meet her family. So it was pretty good for him. SR? Well he flew to London for a show and some stitches and AR decided to go with him. Me? I flew back all by myself and probably moved four inches on each of the flights. Really the first and only time I have ever been able to sleep on a plane. Stopped in Chicago on the way home and called my mom from a pay phone to wish her a Happy Mother's Day. Decided to keep the whole hooker, coke, gay bar, four day bender out of the conversation though. Went home and kissed the wife. Decided not to mention the whole coke or hooker thing. Told her about the gay bar and she could smell the 4 day bender. Went to sleep, and the next morning was right back at that awful desk.

Happy Memorial Day. See you with a full pile of posts tomorrow.

Cannes Day 12

Robert DeNiro and Grace Hightower


Catherine Deneuve


Faye Dunaway


Natalie Portman

Sean Penn


Milla Jovovich


Kerry Washington


Dennis Hopper and wife


Benicio Del Toro and Laura Bickford