Full Frontal Friday

This week it is all about the news, current releases and just some others to fill in the blanks so to speak. Although Christian Bale has been in FFF before, I just thought he deserved a revisiting because of Batman opening this week. Also, I have been holding onto it for a very long time, but I think it is okay to finally show it this week. When you click there is a Heath Ledger photo. I wanted to warn you so you wouldn't be surprised. It just seemed like this was the best week to do it if I was going to do it. As always, be of legal age, before you click here.

Christian Bale

Four For Friday

#1&2 - I really do dislike the whole celebrity pregnancy game, because really that is all it is. It is a way to pass the time and to come up with some stuff to talk about when there isn't anything else going on. However, when it is a juicy pregnancy or the daddy is in question, then I start to get a little more interested. So, you have an actress. B- list, all films, but really B- is more because of what she has been in through more luck than any real talent. Had some substance abuse issues. Recently she had a relapse which was hinted at in some tabloids but it was just for a day or two. The problem is that she got knocked up during that little fiesta and so now has turned for advice and possibly to convince another B- list film actor that perhaps he could volunteer to be the daddy just so she doesn't look like a tramp by not knowing who the real daddy is.

#3 &4 - What infamous (too strong of a word probably for why) female reality television co-star despite the name, managed to steal this basketball player away from his date last night? The poor date who had flown in to LA with the basketball player went back to the hotel all alone while the reality star and the basketball player got one of their own for a few hours.

Random Photos Part One

I can think of no better way to start then this from Holy Taco called "If Tom Cruise Had A Comic Book." If you are having trouble reading it, just click on it and it will blow up nice and big for you.
After the last time we saw Billy Baldwin looking like crap, I thought he deserved another chance. He doesn't look as bad. Am I the only one who kind of sees a DeNiro resemblance?
Dina Lohan at an event called 10 years of gorgeousness. Considering she hasn't ever been gorgeous, I think that is some false advertising. If I were Sephora, I'm not sure this is who I would want to invite to my party.

Okay. So what I gather is that Charlotte Ronson is a clothes designer. So, if you want to look like some kid on Halloween who was forced to thrown on a Flashdance outfit, then this designer is for you.

Really want to see X-Files. Not even a red carpet or anything for Chris Carter, just a discussion of the film, but hey, I got X-Files fever,

Everyone loves Illeana Douglas don't they? I mean did you see Grace Of My Heart?

Heidi Newfield - Twin Lakes, WI
Gloria Trevi - Miami
Fonseca - Miami
Yowza. Felicity Huffman looks great. Did she change something. Everyone is looking so different lately. Maybe it is because it is summer or something.

Oh my. Kelly Osbourne actually looks really good. One thing though is she is like what, 21 or something? Perhaps she may want to consider doing something about the breasts, because I fear that by the time she is 35 they will also be kneepads.

Until yesterday, Kristin Chenoweth hadn't even been in the photos and now she is in twice in a row. I think it is because I watched RV again last night. I know, I know, but I love it. She's hilarious in it.
Keith Anderson - Twin Lakes, WI
Don't get to see Judy Tenuta very often. I miss seeing her all the time.
Errr. Ummm. Joan Rivers ladies and gentleman. At some point do you just want to stop trying to stop the aging process?
Brian Wilson - Brooklyn

Don't you think that Miss America is probably trying to line up that Pro-Activ spot as we speak.

Except for the Samantha Ronson hat, I think Lindsay looks great. Incredible actually.
Even Lydia Hearst looks great. She doesn't seem to be suffering anymore from the I'm sleeping with Cisco Adler so I have to look like a skank look which was perfected by Mischa Barton.
Luis Fonsi - Miami
So in an obvious bid to get attention, Kat von D goes with the blue eye shadow. You know, because no one would ever notice her otherwise.
Dierks Bentley - Twin Lakes, WI


Didn't even know it was Nicollette Sheridan the first time I saw it.

Natasha Bedingfield - New York
Well Stitch is just a classic rebound relationship and probably perfect for Mandy Moore.
Miley Cyrus - New York
I'm telling you now. If Malan is at an event, his picture will be here.
Teri Hatcher from a distance.

Lets face it. Distance is best.
A nice little photo with Stuart Townsend and Charlize Theron and a cleaned up looking Stephen Dorff.
It's always a better day with a Swoosie
To make it an even better day add Rosario Dawson, a bikini and a hose.
Aventura & Enrique Iglesias - Miami


Maybe the start of a dance move for Zach Braff?

Vanessa Williams looks delicious.
I love the Ugly Betty sign in the front.
A first time appearance for Tony Plana. Hey, he deserves it.
The one and only Terence McNally.

Lainey Blind Item

They were supposed to have kicked their bad habit together. A partnership in blow became a commitment effort to get clean. And for a while they were successful.

But he was the weaker one. And he’s been using again for a while.

The problem, one of many obviously, is that when he’s cranked, he’s also very aggressive. Some say he’s mixing his powder with some muscle juice and the coke/steroid combination brings out the roughneck which has presented many challenges for his publicist.

Fortunately his publicist is almost as clever as Jessica Biel’s. Was able to turn spin a recent skirmish into an heroic rescue. The truth is, he was so jacked up on the good stuff he had to take it out on someone else’s head.

As for his wife...well she has a boyfriend. His name is Jesus. With her new devoutness has come an almost unbearable sanctimony, not to mention intolerance – for his lifestyle, for his binges – so much so that they are finding it increasingly difficult to be together, though like the Beckhams, they are a brand too.

One big happy family...fraud!

Your Turn

Last week was all about literacy and this week it is all about the lowest common denominator. Fear. The Alfred Hitchcock spread got me to thinking about my favorite horror films. I love the first Halloween or A Nightmare on Elm Street. Think it is about as good as it gets when it comes to Horror. I like the older horror films, but even though some are really beautifully done, for the most part, they just don't make me want to sleep with my eyes open. In order to avoid a serious ass kicking, I usually tell everyone my favorite horror film is House On Haunted Hill. I love both the 1959 version and of course the 1999 version, because it does what I think a good horror film does and that is scare the hell out of you but also have someone in it for comic relief. Plus it has Ali Larter and Lisa Loeb in it, so really, it doesn't get any better than that.

My favorite horror poster though is the Blair Witch Project . I remember seeing the poster at a movie theatre about three months before it came out and I just knew it would scare the hell out of me. The movie had been reviewed by Peter Travers of Rolling Stone already and I remember the poster had a quote from the review saying something like "It will scare the hell out of you." Didn't really scare me, but I loved how it changed film and marketing a film. Incredible.

So, what is your favorite horror film?

Vanity Fair - Hitchcock Classics

Vanity Fair did a Hitchcock Classics spread. For more detail on the photos, go visit their site. The original movie still is first, the celebrity photo is second.

Daily Mirror Blind Item

Which Premiership footballer fondled a soap star while his pal was snogging her at the bar?

Another Celebrity Rehab Success Story

Steven Adler, formerly of Guns N' Roses who just got done filming Celebrity Rehab and was supposed to be in the spin off show Sober Living was arrested last night for allegedly being in the possession of narcotics and being under the influence of drugs. In addition to the above charges he also had a warrant out for his arrest on other charges.

I know rehab is a hit and miss thing and that most people do relapse, but I'm wondering if this Celebrity Rehab thing is a good idea. It just doesn't seem like the show has really helped anyone and all it is doing is giving people who really need help the idea that rehab doesn't work. Sure, rehab doesn't always work but to put that squarely in the face of people who need it hardly seems like the best advertisement for getting people into rehab.

I think another problem is that the celebrities who volunteer to be on the show are not exactly A list celebrities and therefore have really bottomed out because of drugs. These are people who already had multiple chances and were not able to kick drugs or else they would have probably regained something of their career and not been at a point where they would need to go on the show to try and salvage their career.

The only people this shows seems to be helping are the producers and Dr. Drew.

Wonder If He Got Someone Else Pregnant

Apparently Salma Hayek has had enough of her baby daddy's antics and has called off the engagement she had with her French billionaire boyfriend Francois-Henri Pinault.

"We are sad to announce the engagement of Salma Hayek and Francois-Henri Pinault has been canceled. There will be no further comment."

The above statement was from Salma's spokespeople so it is probably fair to say that she was the one doing the calling off of the relationship. It seems like a basic statement, but if you look for what is missing, it is the usual they will be friends statement or that they will continue to care for their child together or any kind of those warm and fuzzy things that are all crap but are usually in a release anyway. Someone didn't even want to give the guy the satisfaction of that generosity so this must have been a good one.

Can you imagine if he got someone else pregnant? I mean they guy seems to enjoy knocking up beautiful women and then leaving them so I wouldn't be surprised if there were some announcement or picture of Francois with some supermodel and how she is pregnant.

Wow! You Think?

Kneepads Magazine has apparently decided which side of the Balthazar Getty marriage they are taking and it is the wife. In order to fully cement what side they have chosen, they dragged out this winner of a source who had this to say about how Rosetta Getty feels about the whole Sienna Miller and the naked yacht photos.

"It's humiliating. Rosetta left the country to protect the kids, and he continues to see Sienna publicly."

Wow. You needed an unnamed source for that one? Come on. Any of us could have said the same damn thing and we wouldn't have to have been unnamed. My guess is that the writer of the People story went over to another writer in the office and asked how they would feel, and they gave the above quote.

I doubt Rosetta is sitting around her villa in Italy jumping up and down for joy and trying to arrange for a trip to the coast so she could see the frolicking first hand. Of course she's humiliated. Her soon to be ex-husband not only is cheating on her, but is cheating on her with Sienna Miller. I mean how low can your self-esteem get knowing your husband left you for Sienna? Way to go out on a limb there People.

What Are The Odds?

It's the middle of the night. You're Christian Bale in Rome and you can't sleep. No, this isn't going to be another Verne Troyer post, although if he did follow you to Rome that would be pretty f**king funny. Now where was I? Oh, yeah. Can't sleep, blah, blah, so you get up and decide to walk around the streets at 3am, because hey, that's what people do when they can't sleep right?

So, you are walking and there is only one other person walking the streets. You notice them, but move on, because hey, its 3am, what would another guy be doing walking the streets of Rome at 3am.

The next night Christian has the same problem and so goes wandering again. Again, he spots the guy from last night, but Christian, being the warm and friendly guy he is, waves to the other man. The other man comes rushing over and lo and behold it's Viggo Mortensen.

Now, Christian told his side of the story to GQ, but I don't think anyone has asked Viggo what the hell he was also doing wandering the streets of Rome at 3am. Christian also said Viggo couldn't sleep. This is the oddest damn story. They weren't staying at the same hotel. They both picked the same street to cruise at 3am and we are all supposed to think it's a coincidence.

Now, I have run into some friends and people I have known in some very bizarre places. But, doesn't the whole story seem weird? I mean they both were out two nights in a row? Exactly the same place? Exactly the same time? In the middle of the night?

Christian doesn't say what happened after the pair hooked up. Maybe they walked the streets together, held hands and sang show tunes. Maybe they joined forces to fight crime for a few hours, or maybe they cried in each others arms and sang nursery rhymes. Hell, for all I know they just kept walking and the next thing you know John Travolta popped out of an alley he was hiding in and the three did shots. I'm perfectly happy to entertain suggestions about what they did.

Sex On A Box

Have you ever had sex while standing on a wooden crate or box? How about when you were six years old? Well, Flavor Flav says he did just that. I'm not sure if Flav is having crack flashbacks or if this just explains a great deal about who he is. In an interview with Complex magazine, Flav said:

"A girl and me were having sex on a box in some big tall bushes. This was when I was real, real, real, real, young. I'm going to tell you the truth - I was six years old."

Now, lets see. Flav is 49 so when he was six that was about, what? 1965. You don't really hear about six year old kids losing their virginity in 1965. Actually you don't hear about it too much today either, and why was the sex on a box? He makes it sound as if they were standing up. Or maybe she was like 20 or something and he was standing on a box because she was standing on the ground. How the hell do two people stand on a box and have sex? Normally I would be thinking about this all day, but because then Flav would pop in my head, I'm going to go ahead, and just try and put this out of my mind as quickly as possible.

Six? I didn't even know there were girls at six. I just thought they were kids who played with different dolls. Six? What is that? First grade? "What did you do at school today son? "Not much. We learned how to add numbers without using our fingers. Oh, and I went ahead and did that hot kindergarten chick out by the bushes at recess."

Ted C. Blind Item

It’s amazing I don’t write these more often, the clinging-onto-celeb-life-with-all-the-surgeried-muscle- they-can-muster brand o’ Blind Vices. Could it be they hit too close to home for this fortysomething columnist who wonders if he should start embarking on all the plastic-puss opportunities available in this über-vain town? Nah, not today, at least. But do take Sheila Muff-Driver, an attractive enough gal who plans on selling her fading sexuality until she drops and who hasn't shied away from all that docs can do for her, trust. ‘Course, not that long ago, Sheila-love was the hoochie-coochie toast of T-town, and I don’t mean just for being a superscrumptious babe, but for her great beauty and arguable talent, too. The Academy Awards even gave her notable recognition at one time, but alas, that was back when SMD had a modicum of professionalism to offer her colleagues, as opposed to the perk-filled, ridiculously absurd existence Sheila's life has now become.

She goes through assistants faster than Botox needles. She fires reps of all sorts (managers, agents, etc.) who were just trying to do her a charitable favor in the first place—as Ms. Muff-Driver did, at one time, have such promise. And she still could, mind you, if she’d just stop injecting her body with every fountain-of-youth concoction out there and let what’s left of her face just be. So, you know, she could move it, utilize it and such, as actors are wont to do. But instead, all Sheila gets today are offers to do benefits and interviews about her once-golden career. And it was one occasion for the latter—in a documentary being put together by an established director who could ostensibly help reenergize Ms. M.-D.’s career—in which Sheila was set to be prominently featured.

Although, true to deranged spoiled form, when the producer rang up to finalize the schedule, Sheila barked back: “You know, I don’t get out of bed for less than $40,000 a day.”

Sheila’s still under the covers, by the by, her latest opportunity at anything close to a comeback having been quashed, yet again, by herself.

Maybe next time this happens, just go and shoot the bitch in her bed? Just a thought. Would be fitting on so many levels.

Today's Blind Items

#1 - Chastity? What chastity? Done it, done it, not done it.

#2 - So, let me get this straight. You, formerly a C list film actress known for one thing, or more specifically two if you get my meaning. Television? Sure, but not a series per se. Anyway, you left your husband after finding, and introducing your replacement to him thinking you could do much better without him. Since then, nothing. Except for that one television thing. You like to pretend you are this and that and doing great, but we all know what you are doing at each event you go to and how any single guy with a couple of bucks or a married guy with more than a couple of bucks just instantly becomes your best friend, hopefully for more than a night, but it really hasn't turned out that way has it? Meanwhile, divorce settlement money is gone and there isn't any other money coming in from anything else except your friends. Well you still have your looks. Kind of.

Random Photos Part One

Can you really think of a better way to start off than with pure, unadulterated joy from Kristin Chenoweth at hearing of her Emmy nomination. Plus, it's her 40th birthday one week from today. Congratulations Kristin. Oh, and Neil looks good and the Emmy guy looks like he wants to cop a feel. See, you can get snark and love all in the same post.

She's been a blind, but I don't think Aishwarya Rai has ever been in the photos. As is expected, she looks great.
Another first timer is Christoph Metzelder.

At home with Billy Ray Cyrus. Today on CMT insider we caught up with Billy as he finished running over dinner and was just starting to cook it up on his brand new hot plate. Not wanting to take the chance he would have to share his food with anyone he ate it straight off the plate with no regard to utensils, fingers, or salmonella.
Billy Joel & Tony Bennett - New York
Brad Garrett - Morristown, NJ
Married men live longer than single men. I think Brendan Fraser is a living case study of that point. Jet Li looks great though. Must be married.
So, one of my favorite activities is to watch Dennis Haskins gain weight. It's almost as much fun as Val Kilmer, but the only difference is that if you are ever in LA and have nothing to do, head on over to the Improv where you can usually catch Mr. Belding here enjoying food and drink fit for six. You would think that Celebrity Fit Club would have him on speed dial, but still no appearance.

You know what? I think we all know that David Beckham always looks good. He's like the Heidi Klum of guys. But, Victoria Beckham actually looks normal here, and pretty.
Connor Cruise wants David Beckham to be his dad.
I think Dave Annable's hair is leaning a little to the left. His right. Our left, unless of course you were standing behind him because then it would be your right also.
Carrie Underwood - Twin Lakes, WI
Helio Castroneves does his Tom Cruise impression to the delight of no one.

Gaslight Anthem - Columbia, MD
Fisher Stevenson - Twin Lakes, WI
Eli Manning at the beginning of the night with his wife.
Eli Manning at the end of the night without his wife.

Jon Hamm is one of the most requested photos. It is a nice suit.

This is why there is a random photos. Jason Davis and Jon Lovitz. Who would ever believe it?
"It's vague."
Hoda Kotb might really want to consider an all over spray tan.
Kate Walsh, because, hey I just think it's funny that the first time she shows up in public in a bazillion years is at an event with a bunch of female athletes.

I guess Holly was spending the night at home, you know, doing her full-time job.
You can say whatever you want about Katie Price, but remember she is not a bad parent.
I'm guessing Kevin Garnett has got close to 3 feet on his wife. If that's true, you could stand Verne Troyer on her head and it still wouldn't be enough. Of course this would assume that a person would want Verne Troyer standing on your head.
John Mellencamp - New York
Matt Leinart hasn't been on this site much, which is surprising considering the amount of crap he gets into.

Ummm, note to Michelle Kwan's publicist. You may want to actually turn on your computer on a daily basis. If you don't actually own a computer, perhaps your son or daughter or an assistant could do so for you. After you turn it on, open it to any gossip blog and you would have seen that Lauren Conrad wore this dress two days ago. Of course, this could just be a smooth move on your part because you knew that no one would even notice Michelle last night if she hadn't been wearing the same dress and thus, got your client attention and a bunch of who looks better features.
Matt Dillon still on Ischia. Hell, I would be also. Did you see that place?
Two for her last two by Mischa Barton. Don't worry, I think she'll slip up soon enough, and the world will return to normal.
Speaking of normal, it's the Sutters. So, how long does Trista keep getting invited to stuff do you think?

This is Ralf Schumacher and his wife. No, it really is. She isn't a wax doll or someone trying to do an Ellen Barkin impression. She really does move and talk. Slowly, but she does it.
Prince Charles on the set of his new film. "Horse Whisperer 2" I really wanted to add a : because I had something good, but really, really pushing the edge of snark. But, it will show up somewhere today probably.
Penelope Cruz in W.
This is a blast from the past. Speaking of Blast From The Past, did you see Dave Foley in FFF? OK, just checking. Where have you been Natassja Kinski? I've missed you.
Yaz - New York

Speaking of where in the hell have you been, here's Treat Williams.
Taylor Swift - Twin Falls, WI
TAT - Columbia, MD
Seriously. How many people recognized Rita Wilson?

Matt Dillon Loves Fake Guccis

Have you ever wondered about what actors are up to when they go to press conferences to promote stuff in other parts of the world? Well, I knew you did, or at least some of you did and so when an Italian reader offered to sneak into a press conference on the island of Ischia during their film festival, I agreed. I think in the interests of full disclosure that it should be said that our reader is female and that the reason she really wanted to go was that Jason Lewis had been there everyday and she really wanted to meet Jason Lewis. All her friends got photos with Jason, but alas, our reader picked the day that Jason decided not to show up at the festival.

I love getting a report from someone in another country who sees things completely different from the way I, or most people in the US would see the same issues. The film festival was about world change or something deep and serious, which really begs the question why Sex And The City was being played there. Here is her report along with some photos.



I decided to attend one of the press conferences at the Ischia Global Fest for 2 reasons: one, because it was my first opportunity to attend a big event (at least compared to Naples' usual resonance of events) as an insider; two, because my friend who has been working for the festival met Jason Lewis on Monday and told me he was friendly and fun to hang with. So, this morning I took the earliest hydrofoil to the island of Ischia, where a press conference with Bille August, Steven Zaillian, Matt Dillon, Paul Haggis and a bunch of MGM and Sky Italy execs was to be held at the Regina Isabella hotel.


I arrived at the hotel and met my friend who started showing me around. After a while she got back to work and left me free to roam around: I sat down on a couch outside the pressroom near two English speaking men, deliberately trying to overhear their conversation.. when they started mentioning "Ridley" and working on the screenplay for "a an opera on space, like 2011: A space Odyssey" I started to realize I was sitting next to Zaillian and August!


Anyway, the festival's producer, Pascal Vicedomini (the same guy who organizes the Capri, Hollywood and Los Angeles, Italia festivals) suddenly arrived and started the conference.

Bille August was asked about his recent Nelson Mandela movie (Goodbye Bafana), and Bille really emphasized that the day Mandela got out of prison, the speech he gave was centered on forgiveness and reconciliation and not on negative sentiments. One particular journalist, who seemed obsessed with politics and current events, asked him what he thought about politicians attending the Beijing Olympics: Bille simply stated that attending them would be a righteous act of respect towards the Chinese population.

He's currently working on a movie called The Diary (although the title is being changed continuously, so who knows) which is set in Halifax, Canada in 1917; Halifax was a busy port for ships that crossed the Atlantic during the WW1 years; the story is based on a collision/explosion between 2 ships of which, one was full of ammunition, and it basically is a love story between a woman and two men; for the time being, he was not allowed to comment on the cast. He then talked about how much he enjoys the human touch of festivals like these, because being a filmmaker means working in a solitary way. He doesn't know how other directors direct and how they speak to their actors, so being involved in festivals allows him to share experiences and ideas with other colleagues.

There was an outdoors screening of Drugstore Cowboy Monday evening, and Matt Dillon was impressed with the island's location, which added to the overall viewing experience thanks to the waves crashing on the seaside. His speech was entirely focused on the beauty of taking chances in his life, and was supported by Paul Haggis in talking about how working with MGM has been great because they always gave them a green light on everything (while other studios wouldn't behave the same way). Paul Haggis said that he tends to look for actors who just fall willingly in a role, and he sees his relationship with Dillon as if they were on the edge of a cliff's precipice, looking down to jagged rocks and willing to jump together, because that's the kind of trust they have in each other.

One journalist asked them to compare America at the time of Drugstore Cowboy with the America at the time of Crash: Dillon answered by stating that back in the Drugstore Cowboy days no one would wear green leprechaun bell bottoms, and now it's all Gucci shoes on everyone's feet (he also mentioned wearing fake Gucci shoes at an event once). Back then, America was strongly against drugs (Nancy Reagan) so it was difficult to make a movie about that topic; in the same way, it was difficult to make a movie on racial issues like Crash when no other directors were making movies about them.

Dillon is currently working on 2 movies: playing a prosecutor in Nothing but the Truth by Rod Lurie, which is loosely based on a recent story in which a female reporter faced a possible jail sentence for outing a CIA agent and refusing to reveal her source.

The second one is an action drama, Armored, which he's shooting with Laurence Fishbourne, and is about an inside job robbery by armored guards. The same politically obsessed journalist from above asked a question on the actors' strike and on the economic recession in the US.

Haggis and Dillon brilliantly replied that difficult times create great art, just like it happened in the 70s. There's a correction that has to happen in the economy, because lots of mistakes were made by "leadership" in the US. Moreover, the film industry is never interesting and exciting when it's based on playing it "economically" safe.

After that, MGM Channel's vice executive president talked about the MGM film library and the movies handpicked to be broadcast on this new Italian channel on sat tv. Dillon slipped on a pair of sunglasses, and that symbolically meant the conference was over. In fact, one journalist tried to ask something about actors being paid an amount based on movie revenues, and Haggis quickly replied something to the tone of "there are bigger problems in the world!".

Daily Mirror Blind Item - Part 2

Which famous diva denies ever having gone under the knife - but actually has a very expensive cosmetic surgeon to thank for all her perfectly formed features?

Welcome To Studio City Heather Mills

I was reading some report today about Heather Mills looking for a place to buy in LA, and was going to ignore it, but then all of you kept sending me links to stories about it, so hey, it has been awhile since I said anything about Heather. I will say that I got an e-mail from someone named Heather Mills and it freaked me the hell out, but it's a common name. I guess if there is ever any confusion you can just look at the leg.

Anyway, reports are percolating which is my word of the day, that Heather is looking for a place to buy in LA. Now, all the articles make it clear that Heather has $1M to spend and no more. She has already dropped two agents who kept showing her houses for $1.1M and $1.2M, etc. She only has $1M to spend so I thought I would take the whole CDAN family on a little tour of what's available to Ms. Mills.

First of all, I think she has made it clear she wants a house. So, no condos which means no Hollywood or Beverly Hills. Now, she has a daughter, so assuming she doesn't want to sleep with her and that she needs a bedroom for her "guests," we'll go with three bedrooms and two bathrooms.

The houses in the photos are all under $1M, but at least $800K.

The home below is in Studio City and is about $800K. She can be close to George Clooney if she lives in this place. Close as in the same city, not the same block or street or neighborhood. She will get to know her neighbors well though as I'm sure Heather will be the first one making cookies to share and helping out with the block party. Uh huh.

Now, this one is 5 bedrooms, and is just $825,000. It has lots of natural light. Unfortunately you really don't get to take advantage of it because in this neighborhood it is important to keep the shades drawn and your security bars tightly fastened. Notice the window air conditioning. Perfect for when you don't want that air running cold through your entire home. The cement driveway should be a great place to set up Beatrice's playset, and I can just see Paul McCartney coming to visit and setting up a grill in the front yard.

So, for our final choice, Heather can choose this 4 bedroom house with a pool. It is large and has excellent views and would probably make the best choice. Of course, she would probably need to buy a really fuel efficient car because it is about 40 miles outside of Los Angeles. Now, there isn't anything wrong with that, except for the fact that if she has a 9am meeting in Studio City she is going to need to leave the house at about 5, 530am. But hey, she has that pool to look forward to after that afternoon rush hour. Of course she will be so tired she will just fall asleep and drown after falling into the pool from her raft.

A. Reader Pens A Letter To Brandon Davis

A. Reader is back again for another strongly worded letter. This time Brandon Davis is the target of her pen.

Dear Brandon,

Boy, I hope you are playing the lottery today because I officially crown you the “Luckiest Motherf**ker of July 16, 2008!” It seems that cute as a button Victoria ’s Secret model Miranda Kerr couldn’t get enough of your greasy self the first time around and has actually come BACK to you for a second time! As if that wasn’t enough of a shock in and of itself….she left ORLANDO BLOOM for YOU! That sound you hear is the collective gasp of disbelief from the women and queens of the world. (err, sorry…that would be the noise AFTER the hysterical laughter since nobody believed it was true the first time they heard it)

What is it you have to offer, Brandon? Is it your dashing good loo---wait, no, that’s not it…..your abs of steel on which she can wash her Victoria’s Secr----nope, not that either…..hmmm…let me think about this…..ohhhh could it be the gobs of money you will someday inherit from grandfather the oil magnate? I would say this last possibility is a perfectly legitimate reason for inviting your sweaty saggy ass back into bed, but according to the tabs you’ve been cut off, and it’s not like Miss Kerr is hurting for work. (See: Victoria ’s Secret Angel, face of Clinique Happy, 6 figure deal as face of Australian department store David Jones)

So, though it kills me to say it…..you must be packing some SERIOUS man heat! Ohh…excuse me, I thought I could say that without throwing up my lunch but I don’t know if I can hold it down….ok Reader, go to your happy place! David Beckham underwear ad in Times Square ! Full Frontal Friday on CDAN! Whew….that was a close one.

Now, where was I? Oh right, the man with the dumbest luck in America . Or is that the dumbest man with luck in America ? Whatever the case, get out there and play the lotto, bet on some ponies, enter the World Series of Poker, but for god’s sake, don’t take a chance on letting anyone else rub your magic lamp!

Dang it….here comes lunch again…..

A. Reader

It's Vague

Jennifer Aniston just can't win for losing. What does that mean exactly? I mean it is a popular saying but to me it really doesn't make a hell of a lot of sense. I just know when you are supposed to use it and this time seems appropriate.

By my calculations, Jennifer Aniston spent about two days away from John Mayer on his entire European tour. The remainder of the time she was like Melanie Griffith and just glued to his side. She kicked other women out of the backstage area and basically acted as if this was her very last chance to get a guy under 60 with four ex-wives.

Well somehow in the two days they weren't together, John Mayer found himself a little honey. You go all the way to Amsterdam and you end up hitting on a woman from California. That has to suck for John because you know she is going to come back and just dish. Apparently when John decided to hit on the woman in an Amsterdam coffee shop he really thought she was Dutch because he asked her how much it cost for a kilo of pot. No, instead he introduced himself as John and called himself a singer.

In Touch has an interview with the woman who named Chaton Anderson. She claims that John kept trying to get her to go to dinner with him or have some drinks after dinner, or perhaps go back to his place where they could watch taped episodes of Friends and listen to Jessica Simpson songs.

When Chaton asked John what his relationship status was, he said "it's vague." She asked him what he meant and he said, "it's very vague."

I'm sure that Jennifer will be thrilled to know that John considers their relationship to be vague, especially since she just followed him like a dog around the world for the past month. John asked Chaton for her cell phone number, but her cell phone was later stolen so she doesn't know if he called.

See, that last part. Little dicey about that last part. See, if she says he called, then there are phone records to prove it. Right now, nada. What the hell? It's a great story and as insecure as Jennifer appears, this one should push her over that edge and send John looking for a new lady to start rumors with.

He Sees You When You're Sleeping

No, this isn't about Santa Claus, although I would like to point out there are only 160 more shopping days until Christmas so at anytime now we should start seeing all the fake snow and decorations come out.

I was reading Verne Troyer's interview with E! and he was talking about how his girlfriend still lives with him even though she has been trying to make a buck off the dude. Apparently he is taking legal action to kick her out. That could take awhile. In the meantime, he had this to say, "She's still in the house. It makes it even harder, to, you know, not strangle her."

I want you to look at the photo above and I want you to imagine Verne Troyer sneaking around the house at night. You hear the hum of his motorized scooter coming closer and closer to you door which you hope and pray you have locked. You hear him stop, and know he is going to come in and try and finish you off. He said it. He would love to strangle you and so you wonder if the door is locked.

The door knob jiggles. It doesn't turn, but it does jiggle. You get out of the bed to check to see if the door is locked. You do it quietly, knowing that he is outside the door, with his little reptilian tongue sticking out as he concentrates. You start to hear a thumping sound and then again the jiggle.

And then it hits you, Verne can't reach the doorknob to turn it and that thumping sound his him jumping up and down. You relax, until you hear him getting back into his chair. He is in the chair now and manages to open the door. However it is an outward opening door and Verne can't quite manage the trick in his chair of opening the door and moving the chair enough to get inside so finally just settles for yelling.

Sleep well. Until you hear him in the vents.

Emmy Nominees

Outstanding Drama Series

Boston Legal
Damages
Dexter
House
Lost
Mad Men

Outstanding Comedy Series

Curb Your Enthusiasm
Entourage
The Office
30 Rock
Two and a Half Men

Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama Series

James Spader, Boston Legal
Bryan Cranston, Breaking Bad
Michael C. Hall, Dexter
Hugh Laurie, House
Gabriel Byrne, In Treatment
Jon Hamm, Mad Men

Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama Series

Sally Field, Brothers & Sisters
Kyra Sedgwick, The Closer
Glenn Close, Damages
Mariska Hargitay, Law & Order: Special Victims Unit
Holly Hunter, Saving Grace

Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series

Tony Shalhoub, Monk
Steve Carell, The Office
Lee Pace, Pushing Daisies
Alec Baldwin, 30 Rock
Charlie Sheen, Two And A Half Men

Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy Series

Julia Louis-Dreyfus, The New Adventures of Old Christine
Christina Applegate, Samantha Who?
Tina Fey, 30 Rock
America Ferrera, Ugly Betty
Mary-Louise Parker, Weeds

Outstanding Lead Actor in a Miniseries or a Movie

Ralph Fiennes, Bernard and Doris
Ricky Gervais, Extras: The Extra Special Series Finale
Paul Giamatti, John Adams
Kevin Spacey, Recount
Tom Wilkinson, Recount

Outstanding Lead Actress in a Miniseries or a Movie

Catherine Keener, An American Crime
Susan Sarandon, Bernard And Doris
Judi Dench, Cranford (Masterpiece Theatre)
Laura Linney, John Adams
Phylicia Rashad, A Raisin in the Sun

Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama Series

William Shatner, Boston Legal
Ted Danson, Damages
Zeljko Ivanek, Damages
Michael Emerson, Lost
John Slattery, Mad Men

Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Drama Series

Candice Bergen, Boston Legal
Rachel Griffiths, Brothers & Sisters
Chandra Wilson, Grey’s Anatomy
Sandra Oh, Grey’s Anatomy
Dianne Wiest, In Treatment

Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series

Jeremy Piven, Entourage
Kevin Dillon, Entourage
Neil Patrick Harris, How I Met Your Mother
Rainn Wilson, The Office
Jon Cryer, Two and a Half Men

Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series

Kristin Chenoweth, Pushing Daisies
Jean Smart, Samantha Who?
Amy Poehler, Saturday Night Live
Holland Taylor, Two and a Half Men
Vanessa Williams, Ugly Betty

Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Miniseries or a Movie

David Morse, John Adams
Stephen Dillane, John Adams
Tom Wilkinson, John Adams
Denis Leary, Recount
Bob Balaban, Recount

Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Miniseries or a Movie

Eileen Atkins, Cranford (Masterpiece Theatre)
Ashley Jensen, Extras: The Extra Special Series Finale
Alfre Woodard, Pictures of Hollis Woods (Hallmark Hall of Fame Presentation)
Audra McDonald, A Raisin in the Sun
Laura Dern, Recount

Outstanding Guest Actor in a Drama Series

Stanely Tucci, ER
Glynn Turman, In Treatment
Robin Williams, Law & Order: Special Victims Unit
Robert Morse, Mad Men
Oliver Platt, Nip/Tuck
Charles Durning, Rescue Me

Outstanding Guest Actor in a Comedy Series

Shelley Berman, Curb Your Enthusiasm
Rip Torn, 30 Rock
Will Arnett, 30 Rock
Steve Buscemi, 30 Rock
Tim Conway, 30 Rock

Outstanding Guest Actress in a Comedy Series

Polly Bergen, Desperate Housewives
Kathryn Joosten, Desperate Housewives
Sarah Silverman, Monk
Carrie Fisher, 30 Rock
Edie Falco, 30 Rock
Elaine Stritch, 30 Rock

Outstanding Guest Actress in a Drama Series

Ellen Burstyn, Big Love
Dihann Carroll, Grey’s Anatomy
Cynthia Nixon, Law & Order: Special Victims Unit
Anjelica Huston, Medium
Sharon Gless, Nip/Tuck

Outstanding Individual Performance in a Variety or Music Program

Jon Stewart, host; 80th Annual Academy Awards
Stephen Colbert, host; The Colbert Report
David Letterman, host; Late Show With David Letterman
Don Rickles, performer; Mr. Warmth: The Don Rickles Project
Tina Fey, host; Saturday Night Live

Outstanding Reality Program

Antiques Roadshow
Dirty Jobs
Extreme Makeover Home Edition
Intervention
Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List

Outstanding Reality-Competition Program

The Amazing Race
American Idol
Dancing With the Stars
Project Runway
Top Chef

Outstanding Host for a Reality or Reality-Competition Program

Ryan Seacrest, American Idol
Tom Bergeron, Dancing With the Stars
Howie Mandel, Deal Or No Deal
Heidi Klum, Project Runway
Jeff Probst, Survivor

Outstanding Miniseries

The Andromeda Strain
Cranford (Masterpiece Theatre)
John Adams
Tin Man

Outstanding Made for Television Movie

Bernard And Doris
Extras: The Extra Special Series Finale
The Memory Keeper’s Daughter
A Raisin In The Sun
Recount

Outstanding Variety, Music or Comedy Series

The Colbert Report
The Daily Show With Jon Stewart
Late Show With David Letterman
Real Time With Bill Maher
Saturday Night Live

Outstanding Animated Program (for Programming Less Than One Hour)

Creature Comforts America
King of the Hill
Robot Chicken
The Simpsons
SpongeBob SquarePants

Outstanding Animated Program (for Programming One Hour Or More)

Blue Harvest (Family Guy)
Imaginationland (South Park)
Justice League: The New Frontier

Daily Mirror Blind Item

Which pop star felt the need to tell us that he is desperate to have a "gangbang"?

His teenage fans would no doubt be as shocked as we were...

Today's Blind Items

Hey you. Yeah you, the one who talks all the time to she who is tall. I'd stop worrying so much about the Yankee and start worrying about one of your clients. Which one?

How about the married B- list film actor from a hit network television show who does so much meth that I'm surprised he can still stand, let alone learn his lines. Oh, and I wouldn't worry too much about the hooker that he sleeps with every night and is also his dealer. I'm sure she and the wife and child(ren) will get along famously once it all comes out.

Random Photos Part One

I think when you have Helen Mirren rocking a bikini, it is pretty obvious what photo should go on top. She will be 63 years old next week for all those wondering. Amazing.
This photo would have been the top spot, because I don't think a Red Sox player has ever been, or will be honored in Yankee Stadium again. Plus, it's like 3am New York time and they are still there.
Adrianne Palicki is pretty, but I think Austin Nichols is breaking out in the flop sweat because no one actually believes, despite the cuddling that he is actually dating her. Don't see Austin around as much now that he and Jake don't spend their weekends working out and going to bookstores together.
So, favorite female Brat Packer? Ally Sheedy, Molly Ringwald or Demi Moore. Ally looks great here, but I was always more of a Molly guy.
Demelza Reveley is Australia's Next Top Model winner. Apparently as part of the prize there must have been some personal makeup instruction class with Christina Aguilera. Or Ringling Brothers. You won a modeling contest. The idea is that you are naturally beautiful and don't need to look like Bozo (RIP) to be beautiful.

Def Leppard - Liverpool
Yeah, I'm sure that has true love written all over it. Right under the word Mastercard.
Hey guess what? David Beckham plays the pull my finger game too. Do you think Victoria plays?
Caroline Rhea looks great and looks like she should have already given birth.
For some reason I actually like the Mrs. Roper dress on Hayden Panettiere. I think also I'm feeling a little sorry for her because she had a new single that was released yesterday and no one even noticed. We promise to pay attention in the future. In the meantime, if you want to see a rough version of the video and hear the song, click here.

Gidget Gormley. My favorite dog. Gidget, who rose to fame in the Sex And The City film of which I still have not and will never see, worked the red carpet yesterday and then somehow made it home at a decent enough hour to blog about it. Guess she didn't get any.

Ernie Hudson. Seriously, this guy looks bad ass. No one can go look at Ghostbusters and then look at him here and say that he doesn't look 100 times better now than he did then.
Yeah, the button at the top makes the rest of the outfit almost virginal.

Katie Holmes is like meth to me. I want to stop, my teeth are falling out, but dammit, she just makes it too easy. First of all. LET THE KID WALK!! Seriously, they don't even bother with shoes anymore because they know her feet aren't going to touch the ground. Does she get carried by flunkies at her house from room to room? And at what point can she stop using a bottle? OK, enough about parenting, lets talk about Eli Stone. Would anyone have guessed that the one show Tom Cruise thought was the right one for his wife was the one where George Michael makes frequent guest appearances. Do you think that maybe Tom is hoping there might be a little accidental run in with George, or they can play a game of hide from the park ranger?

Josh Duhamel hears the news that Fergie wants to leave him. No, not really. It is the way the rest of the world would react if she was leaving us though.
Is this the first time here for Jeff Corwin?
Not the first time for Jason Bateman. In fact it seems as if there has been a Bateman in the photos quite frequently lately. So how come Justine Bateman didn't get to be included in that whole Brat Pack conversation. She was big then, but just not in those films. Big whoop.
What every mom hopes for after birth. $1.5M and some airbrushing.

I'll let the other blogs discuss the fugliness of Rumer Willis. What I want to know is if anyone has seen that tattoo before, and what it says.

Richard Belzer in the photo that has made me laugh all day.
Even in Italy they are taking to that crazy new dance called the Katie Walk.
Tell me where else you are going to see photos of Leslie Jordan and Rue McClanahan. Nowhere. Oh sure there might be some sick site that has mashed them together in some porn embrace, but other than that, nowhere.
When sponsors throw money at name even if that person would never be caught dead in their store.

Sometimes, when I drink too much and the photo is taken with really good light and from a distance, I think Sarah Jessica Parker is attractive.

Shwayze - Los Angeles
You want Random Photos? How about Shakira and Ingrid Betancourt. I don't know how much more random photos can get.
That whole dancing relationship kind of ended when the votes stopped coming huh?
Reese Witherspoon on the set of a fashion shoot.

The Hoff with both of his daughters. The one on the right needs to be sternly admonished that Lindsay Lohan is not the authority on fashion.

You know who is hot? Mary Steenburgen. She looks incredible.
I'm too lazy to look this up, but please, oh please let Tom Arnold be seen here with some female relative or close friend of the family.
Samantha Ronson does her best David Spade. Not doing him actually because, hey he might look like a girl, but I still don't think she would do him.
Spoon - Brooklyn
Whitesnake - Liverpool

Just because you almost feel like you have to.
The outside of the most expensive home in the world. $500 million. But hey, it comes with those neat trees.

Taryn Manning just because she never takes a good photo and so when I see one I feel like I need to post it.

Daily Mirror Blind Item

Which McFly boy has a penchant for giving the ladies a boob rub as he says his goodbyes?

Holly Thinks Kendra Is An Idiot

I rarely talk about The Girls Next Door. I don't know if it is because I think the premise is stupid or if I'm jealous of Hef or just because I have better things to do with my time. Whatever the reason, it isn't as if I am unaware of the show or have never encountered the three, but I really haven't seen this much venom before.

Holly Madison, who if you don't know is Hef's top girl, took time out of her busy Sunday schedule to write a little something on her MySpace page to address all the rumors that Holly is jealous of Kendra Wilkinson, who for those who don't watch is the "sporty spice" of the three girlfriends.

I really don't want to post her entire message, so you can read it here. Basically, what she says in the beginning is that she and Kendra are the bestest of pals but they just don't hang out together much outside the Mansion. But then, in the very next paragraph she takes shot after shot at Kendra, so apparently that Page Six story Holly is going off on, might actually be true.

The latest Page 6 story is especially dumb. Saying I am jealous of Kendra because she has an "empire" and I'm "just sitting around with Hef"? What "empire"? I guess because I have a real full-time job aside from The Girls Next Door (excuse me for having a brain and having something REAL going on in my life as opposed to following in the footsteps of the socialite-of-the-week) means I am "sitting around" doing nothing. I guess having people announce clothing lines and workout products that never come to fruition means you are doing something.

Wow. If this is her bestest buddy then I guess you don't want to get on the wrong side of Holly. Actually if you got on the wrong side of her you might roll over and crush Hef to death, so be careful. In case you are wondering what Holly's real full-time job is, I think it is as a photo editor of the magazine. Of course if everyone corrects all your work, then maybe you are just an assistant photo editor. Whatever. It is not 40 hours a week, but it is a job. Maybe. I would like to see the separate paycheck for it. Holly does seem to feel though that she possesses a brain and apparently Kendra doesn't. Did you hear that Kendra? You don't have a brain and are an idiot for following in the footsteps of the socialite of the week. So sayeth the woman who's show is on the same network with about a million of those people and was even on one of them last week.

I guess that Holly is also a little tired of Kendra having people put out press releases for her that haven't been approved by Holly. Look, I think Kendra is annoying as hell and my favorite is actually Bridget (hi Bridget), but Holly needs to remove the claws and just let things slide by. When you protest too much, then it makes you look as if it is all true. Just relax. Take one of Hef's Viagras and think of soothing images of how you married Hef,(oops) or had his baby(oops) or get kicked out of the Mansion the day he dies or decides to live out the rest of his life with Barbi Benton and she throws you to the curb.

Kindness Plug

This year, 1-800-SUICIDE will observe their tenth anniversary since being established in 1998 by Reese Butler. The organization was founded in memory of Reese’s wife, Kristin, who committed suicide. Since that time, The Kristin Brooks Hope Center has provided help to nearly three million callers. However, the 1-800-SUICIDE hotline is currently in need of some assistance of its own.

Over the past decade, The Kristin Brooks Hope Center and 1-800-SUICIDE have been able to provide help to so many people through the Hopeline network. With your support and with the support of TWLOHA and PostSecret, they will be able to continue to provide this assistance, along with the comfort of complete confidentiality. The unique services that are currently provided and the services that they will be able to provide in the future are what makes Hopeline such a valuable asset to our society.

"With your support, we can work together to prevent tragedy and to stand with Hopeline in this pivotal moment. In moments of bravery and confusion and honesty, people turn to 1-800-SUICIDE - nearly three million of them. The folks at Hopeline have been answering those calls for ten years, picking up the phone when it's mattered most. Now it's our turn. This is our moment to respond," says To Write Love on Her Arms founder, Jamie Tworkowski.

"I think TWLOHA and PostSecret are very special websites and communities... These communities are precious, fragile, strong and meaningful... What a thrill to be combining forces to help Reese Butler and Hopeline. I have been working with Reese since 2005 and before that I was a volunteer answering Hopeline calls at a Hopeline crisis center. I personally know the good works that Reese is behind and truly appreciate all the time and effort you all are contributing to. I believe it is some of the most important work being done on the planet," says PostSecret founder Frank Warren.

As a result of the many calls that 1-800-SUICIDE receives every day, and because of a delay in government funding, Hopeline is struggling to pay their phone bill. If this bill is not paid, the government will be allowed to fully take control of 1-800-SUICIDE. Part of what makes Hopeline such a powerful resource is that the calls placed to this number are completely private and confidential. We believe that the responsibility for providing a private and confidential environment in which to find help should remain in the hands of those who had the heart and compassion to begin this work ten years ago.

For this reason, TWLOHA is encouraging everyone to support the Pick Up The Phone campaign by donating directly to the Kristin Brooks Hope Center, buying a Pick Up The Phone t-shirt (coming soon) or joining the Hopeline 99 Club. The money that comes from these donations will be used to help pay the phone bill that connects about 50,000 callers each month to the National Hopeline Network and keep 1-800-SUICIDE in the hands of The Kristin Brooks Hope Center. This support also paves the way for future services, such as training of online counselors to provide assistance through one-on-one live Internet chat.

In order to continue making this necessary help available, we must all work together to pay this phone bill and keep 1-800-SUICIDE a private and confidential source of help and hope. With your help and support, together we can prevent tragedy from occurring and help Hopeline stay in the private hands of the people who had the heart to create it.

To Write Love on Her Arms is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for those struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide. TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire, and also to invest directly into treatment and recovery.

www.hopeline.com / www.twloha.com

Miley Cyrus - A Reader Rant

Over the weekend, DNfromMN I think was the first to tell me about the new Miley Cyrus photos that had surfaced. Of course her spokesperson says they are old news and old photos. To me that sounds like Miley either has been doing this since she was 13 or the spokesperson is ready for some hotter new photos too because is tired of being teased by a 15 year old. I just thought it was the oddest statement. Old photos? Maybe Miley just had one wild weekend and that is where all these photos came from. She and Nick Jonas went on a three day bender and got wasted and took racy photos together. The photo is dated October 20, 2007 which would be about two months prior to the first set of sexy photos being released. Hell, I don't know when or where the photos were taken, but apparently the fact that I chose to ignore the story and not do one of my rants directed to Miley prompted the same reader who wrote about The Hills/Washington DC to direct a strongly worded letter to Miley.

Oh, here's something. If you want to be cool and hip right now in LA, the catch phrase to use is "strongly worded letter." Yep, all because of The Mighty B. If you don't know who or what a Mighty B is, I suggest you run off to YouTube. If that doesn't get you moving, then how about the fact that Amy Poehler, creates, writes and stars in it. Now go, go, go, but before you do, a strongly worded letter to Miley Cyrus.


Dear Miley,

Hey, I was 15 once. (though we won't discuss how long ago) I get it. And fortunately for me, I wasn't 15 under the microscope of fame. However, I was also not 15 with millions of dollars and a financially secure future. So, you'll understand my difficulty in feeling bad for you. Oh sure, you're just being a kid. Or is tween the proper term, nowadays?

Here, I beg to differ. I've never taken pictures of myself in a wet t-shirt in the shower or in my underwear in bed. Ok ok, so maybe I was just a nerd who couldn't get laid if she came to school naked. Maybe I didn't lose my virginity til I was over the age of 30. THAT'S NOT THE POINT!!!! (oops, sorry Miley, was getting a little Kanye on you) Point is, I'm a girl who no one would look twice at if my sexy photos were leaked on the internet and I still know better! (ok…maybe they'd look twice…hell, I hope SOMEONE would look twice.)

What's the matter, Miley? Is Ashley Tisdale's new nose catching Nick Jonas' eye? Or is it the age old child star cop out plea of "I'm growing up in the public eye, I didn't ask to be a role model!" Yeah well, while you were busy counting your piles of money and trying to decide between the Hummer and the Porsche for your 16th birthday, I guess you forgot to read the little clause about the downsides of fame. Again, I'm having a hard time finding any sympathy for you in my knock off Kate Spade bag.

And while we're at it, let's talk about how much worse this makes you look for the Annie Leibowitz debacle. Forget the fact that your manufactured, over commercialized, plastic ass insulted one of the greatest photographers of our time. Hell, who knew Annie was holding you back so much? After all of your and Daddy Dermabrasion's statements of your being taken advantage of by the Vanity Fair people, how are you going to explain this? What? It's just another glitch in the new iPhone?

Like I said: I get it. You're just the average 15 year old worth 50 million dollars trying to find your way in this big bad world. Your trials and tribulations are the things that keep me up at night. Will I get tickets to the midnight screening of Dark Knight; What third grade reading level word will the President mispronounce next; and will Miley's desperate cries for validation be displayed on the gossip blogs of the world?

Be strong and keep your shirt on,

A. Reader

Choking Your Chicken Just Became Reality

According to TMZ, Andy Dick was arrested last night in front of a chicken place. Apparently he was arrested on one misdemeanor count of drug possession as well as one felony count of possessing a controlled substance. In addition to the drug charges he also face an an additional misdemeanor sexual battery charge. Choking your chicken in front of a chicken place. Maybe that's where the phrase came from.

Anyway, Andy who is 42 wasn't found with a guy which I assumed would be the case when I saw the headline. Oh, he still kept it freaky, he just went with a different kind of perversion. When cops found him, they found him in the process of groping a 17 year old girl's breasts and pulling her top off.

Andy had one Xanax in his pocket and some weed. Judging from the photo above I would say that was Andy's last Xanax as opposed to his first. The good news if there is any to report is that Andy apparently took to heart Kris Kardashian's words yesterday about not drinking and driving. Instead when the cops found him, he was in the passenger seat of a van and the girl he was allegedly groping was doing the driving. I mean not right then of course or else you would have probably seen some kind of traffic citations issued as well. Take it from me, the police for some reason don't like it when driving and sex are occurring at the same time. Oh sure they are ok with a little groping or perhaps some other kinds of fun, especially if you flash them while they drive by, but actual sex while driving. Ticket.

So Much For True Love

So, two days in a row with Paris Hilton. I know, I know, but it is another really good one where she ends up looking stupid. I think we can all agree that Paris looking stupid and foolish is a good thing and we should encourage those kinds of posts.

Cristiano Ronaldo, better known as Ronaldo was in town last night recuperating from an injury. Now, for those of you who don't know who Ronaldo is, let me tell you. He is a soccer/football player for Manchester United and one of the best players in the world. He is also the guy who ended up with the women with some extra parts down in Brazil last month. In addition, he is currently going through another scandal in the UK because there are rumors he has broken up with his girlfriend of the past five months. She says no, but he doesn't say anything. Plus, to make things even more complicated, Ronaldo is traveling in LA with a female "assistant," who is allegedly helping him recover from his injury. Uh huh.

Well last night, Ronaldo is enjoying a club here in LA, when Paris Hilton who wants to be a WAG more than anything in her whole life spent the night trying to do anything to get him to notice her. According to the Daily Mail, "Paris was all over him. The moment he arrived, she went over to his private table."

"At one point, she pushed her chest together and made a point of trying to snuggle up against him."

She kept trying and trying and trying, and finally he just turned his back on her so she would get the hint. Paris didn't get the hint and then started trying to get in through a side door so to speak by trying to talk to some of the guys he was with and charming them. Hell, if she could be a WAG she would have probably done the whole table to get to Ronaldo. No luck. No one wanted anything to do with the wonky eyed one.

Now, all of these actions by Ms. Hilton would lead one to speculate that perhaps she is not so keen on Benji despite the fact that he looks good in a collar and leash. Now, Paris will probably try and tell him it was for work or some other crap, and you know what? Benji will agree, because that is one whipped guy. If Ronaldo had gone off with Paris last night, I guarantee you that in addition a scorching case of herpes, Ronaldo would have been stuck with Paris and she would be saying, "Benji who?"

Delta Airlines Doesn't Like Menudo

The headline isn't talking about Menudo the soup which I think everyone loves. I mean in my mind there really is no better cure for a hangover than a bowl of menudo. Now, if you are a teenage girl, then you may prefer the group Menudo to help you through a rough morning, and in that case you are in luck because that is who this post is about.

Seems that one of the teenagers in Menudo was on a Delta Airlines flight from Atlanta to Knoxville in one of those tiny regional jets. The flight attendant walked by before takeoff and told him (Carlos Olivero)to turn off his iPod. He did so. Now, I don't know if this woman once got rejected by Ricky Martin and has a thing against Menudo or what, but the next time through the aisle she told him he had to put it in an overhead bin. He said that he didn't want to put it up in the bin because it might get smashed. She then walked away and reported to the pilot that the band member was giving her attitude and wanted him off the flight.

So, security came on and dragged him off the flight. Of course the flight attendant probably didn't realize that literally 75% of the plane were the other Menudo band members, their tech crew, management and families, including Carlos' mother. So, when Carlos got kicked off the entire group exited with him. So, what went from a full flight went to a nearly empty flight with just a handful of passengers.

The entire group has vowed to never fly Delta Airlines again.

Look, I understand it is "federal law to follow flight crew instructions." Fine, I get it. I also get the fact that this is a regional airline where the flight attendant is lucky to be making $10 an hour and since she had a bad day decided that she was going to exert some power over a teenager. The kid turned off the iPod when she asked him to. I'm sure he probably would have stowed it as well except for the fact that the overhead bins on those planes are so small you can't even fit a bag lunch inside so there probably wasn't room.

At what point do you draw the line? If she had asked him to stand up and sit down or play a game of Simon Says and he hadn't done it, she could have had him escorted off. I'm actually surprised the kid wasn't tased and held in a holding cell for a few hours to see if he wasn't some kind of terrorist. I think when the plane emptied and Delta realized they were going to start losing thousands upon thousands of dollars of revenue each day from this band, that things became all smiles and ass kissing. Too late.

NY Daily News Blind Item

Which A-list actor, who yells from the rooftops that he is straight, approached a male Off-Broadway star in a bar and offered to pay him big bucks to watch him and another dude get it on in the rest room?

Today's Blind Items - Kindness

This one is a little hard to disguise because honestly there are not that many directors names that would just pop in your head. Yes, I know you can name a million, but think of the average person. How many directors can they name? This is one of them. Oh, and he always writes his own stuff as well.

So, this director bought a farm/estate about 4 years ago. It has been in existence for awhile and so had a number of employees already there when he bought it. Even though it isn't really related to the kindness, our director has treated the employees who remained much better in the past four years then they ever were treated by the past employers.

One of the guys who worked on the estate was given some new jobs when the director took over. The director hired him to work on his films as an electrician, handyman, and bartender for parties on the sets. He even gave the guy some bit parts in his films. Well about a year ago, the worker was diagnosed with liver cancer. Over the course of the year our worker had his ups and downs but finally died last week. From the time he was initially diagnosed, our director made sure that the worker received the best care in the world wherever in the world it could be found. He made sure the worker's girlfriend could travel with the worker.

The director made phone calls, called in favors, consulted with the best doctors in the world all for his employee. No matter what he did though, it just was never enough. The director now feels he could have even done more to help, and has been in terrible shape over the past week since the worker's death.

Random Photos Part One

Nothing special that Vince Vaughn has done to earn the top spot today. I just love this photo. Pissed at the pap or pissed because he has got to exercise?
Judging by the number of women taking photos of Aaron Eckhart in the background I would say he has some female admirers.
Amos Lee - New York
So which one do you think has spent the most on strippers? I'm going with A-Rod just because baseball players have 81 road games and basketball players only have 41.
Sure, I guess that is one way to pop a zit.

Colbie Caillat - New York
Christian Bale and his date Sibi Blazic.
Brian Austin Green chose to walk the red carpet.
Megan Fox did not. Take that for what you will, but I haven't seen a photo of them together from last night anywhere.
Tell me again why I'm supposed to care about Aubrey O' Day, because honestly, she's just a waste of space.

Danny Devito on the other hand is just about the best there is. If you think about what he's done and his career, it is just amazing. Plus, you never hear any dirt about him.
I swear to you that David Boreanaz looks younger every year. I age by the hour and this guy looks younger than he did ten years ago.
Clive Owen on the set of his new film which seems to have been filming for about a year.
Chris Isaak - Costa Mesa, CA

Emile Hirsch and his date who looks thrilled to be there.

Any Deschanel is better than no Deschanel as far as I'm concerned. This time we have Emily.
One of my favorite kindness items ever was Eliza Dushku's.
And I hear the clicks as you go find Dominic Purcell on FFF.
So just when you thought Dolly Parton couldn't get any richer she is going to get this 9 to 5 The Musical money. Go look up the films and television shows this woman produced and start adding up the money. I'll give you one she owns to give you an idea. A little show called Buffy The Vampire Slayer.

The one and only Gary Oldman.

Gina Gershon and her date rushed off soon after so Gina could enter the Britney Spears look-a-like contest.
You remember when it seemed like every year either Glenn Close or Meryl Streep won the Oscar for Best Actress. It was almost like there were no other women for any parts other than them.
Hope Victoria Beckham and Venus Williams get along.
In another sign the world is ending, I'm going to say that I really like Eva Longoria's new haircut.
Honestly I wasn't even in a good mood this morning, but I'm going to say that Lauren Conrad looks great. I also love the interview she gave recently where she said she Googled all of her dates to find out not about them, but to see what kind of women they have been dating and sleeping with. Not a bad idea at all.

I almost put Katey Sagal at the top just because I have always thought she was incredible and versatile and always looks incredible.
So had a Queer Eye guy last week so might as well give you another with Jai Rodriguez and Wilson Cruz.
For some reason, one actress I have always wanted to go out to dinner with is Julianne Moore. No secret clues or hidden meanings, just someone I think would be fun.
Meanwhile I'll let all of you go out to dinner with Hugh Laurie.
Olivia Wilde does her best Spanish Princess imitation, but she is showing way too much emotion.

So, how many times a day do you think he changes his underwear?
Michael Vartan is someone always requested.
Maggie Gyllenhaal looking about the best I have seen her look in a very long time.
Liev Schreiber and Morgan Freeman which is why I love these photos.

This is either a plea by Tate Donovan to be included in FFF or he was trying to make his finger disappear for a kid and it got stuck.

You are always asking for the Swedes. Here she is. Princess Victoria on her 31st birthday. Yes, she's lovely.
I didn't know I had Shaq in here twice. He's not really one of my favorite people right now and then whenever I really start hating on him, that damn water commercial comes on with him riding the horse and I start laughing.
Ryan Cabrera and Calum Best at the Playboy Mansion. That sounds interesting.
Another guy who doesn't age is Paul Rudd. Just has that innocent look about him.
No more William Peterson on CSI after the middle of next season.

I wish there were no more Wentworth Miller.
Vanity Fair making fun of itself. Love it.
Uma. Oprah. Oprah. Uma. And a photo to make you speculate about whether she's pregnant.
Talib Kweli - New York

No Masks No Wheelchair No Nothing

Last week I posted a little blurb about Michael Jackson and his creepy trip to the bookstore and the fact he basically camped out in the children's section of said bookstore while wearing a surgical mask and sitting in a wheelchair.

Apparently the blessing given to him by the chosen ones shortly after their birth has healed him or he really gets excited about going to see Pixar movies because yesterday afternoon at The Palms in Las Vegas, Michael, his three kids and four bodyguards all took in a screening of Wall-E.

The only other people in attendance were a guy and his step-son and a Japanese couple with their kid. Other than that, the theatre was empty which could probably be expected for a Monday afternoon showing.

The only attempt at disguise or just plain Jackson oddness was that the family and the bodyguards were all wearing red baseball caps. Other than that everyone, including Michael and the kids were dressed normally and acted like it as well.

The step-dad who was also the witness said it was a shock to realize that the guy with the hat in front of you is Michael Jackson, but then everyone just watched the film. All the kids apparently loved it.

Daily Mirror Blind Item

Which hunk got tongues wagging when he was caught having a threesome with two models - while his missus waited patiently for him back at home?

The Katie Holmes Record Is Stuck

Someone needs to call the people over at Scientology who fix the robots because there is something messed up with the Katie Holmes one. This week, Katie Holmes gave an interview to Hello Magazine. I'm not sure why she gave one or why any publication will want one in the future if she is just going to recycle the same answers she gave last year.

In the interview she talks about Tom Cruise obviously because he is Tom Cruise and honestly, no one would probably care about Katie Holmes at this point in her career if she hadn't married Tom Cruise.

Oh, on a Scientology note. The guy who audits Tom Cruise and gets him to confess to every little thing, how much is that guy worth to the church? You think Tom Cruise has some security, how about the guy who knows everything. Do you think he can even leave his house or breathe without someone right next to him.

So, going back to Katie. “I love it when Tom tells me I look great. It gives me such confidence." Umm didn't I hear her spew out that same nonsense about 20 times last year. Do they actually sit down with Katie or does someone ask a question over the phone and someone on the other end presses a button.

Any question regarding looks or whether Tom thinks Katie is hot and Katie answers in the same way.

Every answer she gives is exactly like one she gave in every other interview. I think that Hello could have asked her any question about any subject and eventually all the other quotes would have come out whether they fit or not. It's kind of like she is given lines and is told to deliver them in the same wooden style that she has ever since she started drinking the kool-aid.

Here are some talking points to make the average woman in the world like you.

“I try to embrace my imperfections. “But I will forever wage the battle of the thighs! So I prefer not to show them off.

“I am pretty tall. Usually most actresses are tiny and I’m not – I’m a big one.”

She basically has you covered in those two sentences whether you are conservative, liberal, fat, skinny, tall, or concerned with how you look.

Let me know when Colbert interviews her. Until then, it is going to be the same stuff each time. Staged.

First Sign Of The Apocalypse - Me Saying Something Nice About A Kardashian

In something totally unexpected, I was actually in shock listening to Kris Kardashian this morning on Ryan Seacrest's radio show. For some reason I expected her to come on and be just like Kathy Hilton. Well in addition to not crawling around on the floor looking for coke, Kris also didn't whine like Kathy and had nothing bad to say about "everyday people."

When she first came on I really did think the worst especially when Ryan's annoying co-host did her fake "I miss you and love you thing to Kris." For those of you not in the Los Angeles area, Ryan's co-host is a woman named Ellen who, in her life seems to be most proud of her son which is fantastic, and additionally with being the only person she knows who managed to have sex with her boss and getting him to marry her. Nice. They don't mention whether the boss was married while this was going on and I really don't want to know.

Anyway, back to Kris. She came on to discuss Khloe going to jail for violating her probation. Khloe who admitted to not doing cleanup duty as required and not attending alcohol education classes was sentenced to 30 days in the county jail. Instead of offering a litany of excuses on why Khloe shouldn't have been this or that, Kris basically came out and said my kid screwed up and she has to pay the price. She didn't do what she was supposed to do and that's that. She also added that Khloe is 24 going on 15 sometimes and that it gets tiring after awhile to deal with that.

Kris also said that this should serve as a lesson that no matter how much money you have, or what privilege you grew up in, people are still idiots and that you get what you deserve.

There was no hemming or hawing or trying to rationalize. She came out and said what needed to be said. She made no apologies for Khloe and I have to admire that. Too many times in recent months with the Hogans and the Hiltons it has just been a whine fest. Didn't get it here and have to say I appreciate it. Not going to get me to like her kids, but I can like Kris a little.

What Would You Do?

So, this little topic is right on the edge of what I consider controversial for the site. Oh, I'll show celebrity peen, but I tend to shy away from anything that is politically sensitive. However, this is celebrity related and I don't really have an opinion so am curious as to what all of you think.

One of the main members in the Charles Manson Family Cult was Susan Atkins. In fact it was Susan who stabbed Sharon Tate at the home she shared with Roman Polanski and even wrote the word pig on the wall using the blood of the actress.

Susan was sentenced to death, but it was commuted to life without parole back in the 70's.

Now it appears that Susan has brain cancer and only about six months to live. She has asked to be released so she can spend that six months outside of the walls of the prison. The LA District Attorney is against it because Atkins "has failed to demonstrate genuine remorse and lacks insight and understanding of the gravity of her crimes".

Atkins' hearing is today. Would you keep her in, or let her be released? What if she ends up living longer than six months? What if they find a cure for her brain cancer? Does she have to return to jail?

Today Is Sharleen Spiteri Day

You are probably asking yourself just who in the hell is Sharleen Spiteri and so I'm going to tell you. First if all she is from Scotland and is the lead singer of Texas. I know that I don't talk about Paris Hilton much on the site, and honestly, I think the world is a better place for it. However, I know that some of you may every now and again read other sites in which they discuss Paris, and perhaps you even read about her. Shocker!! I know.

And perhaps when you were reading one of those sites last month you heard about an incident at a London club involving Ms. Hilton and an ass kicking. Turns out she didn't get punched or anything but she did get threatened with a good ass kicking and it was by none other than Sharleen.

In an interview with Metro UK, Sharleen stated that she initially got pissed at Paris because Paris was dancing on her friends' coats at a party and refused to move. Not couldn't move, refused to move, because obviously Paris feels that her feet cannot touch the floor. It is why she has a magical carpet named Benji that she can walk all over to get from point A to point B and also just in general.

Anyway, here is what Sharleen had to say. Remember, this is after Paris had refused to move despite being asked, told and cajoled many times.

"I took some of my drink in a straw and blew it over her, that moved her. She went: 'Who are you, you f***ing bitch?' Then people threw ice cubes at her and it all went off."

"I was embarrassed to even be exchanging dialogue with her. She just went on and on. I got up out of my chair and said: 'Look, if you don't f**k off, I'll kick the s**t out of you.'"

So, Paris did what she normally does in such a situation. She put her fake smile on, got the collar and leash for Benji and rode him out of there.

NY Daily News Blind Item

Which cocaine-loving actress is said to be relying on her closeted husband to meet guys? A source says that when they were at a party recently, the hubby asked a fellow guest, "Do you want to bleep my wife? Because you can.”

Today's Blind Items

I would expect this kind of behavior from this B- list film and whatever else he can get actor who used to be an A list television star. I did not expect this kind of behavior from this C list television and film actress who is the offspring of true Hollywood royalty. Despite our actress being married, it hasn't stopped her from going out with our actor whenever possible and isn't shy about expressing her affection towards him in public. We can only imagine what they are doing in private while the hubby sits at home waiting for his wife to return.

Random Photos Part One

The Who - Los Angeles

Does anyone know what Ace Young does exactly these days? Is he pretty much confined to doing birthday parties for 14 year old girls or does he actually record?

Adam Sandler - Los Angeles
Amy Macdonald - Kinross, Scotland
It has been far too long since Alyssa Milano graced the photos with her presence. Welcome back.
Another past American Idol person who keeps turning up. This time Diana DeGarmo at a club in Nashville. Kim Kardashian was there. That must have been fun. Good times.

I don't even know if Danny Aiello has been in the photos before. I tend to stay away from articles or photos of him because for whatever reason, when I think of Danny I get nightmares. I know its odd, but it just happens.
Chris Brown - Lagos, Nigeria
Carla Bruni reacting to the news that someone purchased her new CD.
Bon Jovi - New York

Joss Stone is the woman who allegedly threw herself at Mark Ronson.

Gordon. Get some f**king sunscreen on right the f**k now or I'll kick your f**king ass.
We had Jade Jagger last week, so now here is another Jagger offspring. This time Georgia who is shown here on vacation with her 16 year old boyfriend. Yes, Jerry Hall was there, but still, if you saw the photos of Georgia in a bikini you would know that dude in the funny hat isn't going to let a little thing like Jerry get in his way.
Foo Fighters - Los Angeles
Eddie Vedder then turned and slipped Jack Black the tongue.

Kiefer Sutherland looking good. It must be those unfiltered Camels in his hand. Great weight loss program.

Wow, another American Idol singer. Didn't even realize it until now. See that ring on the finger? Not so much. Oh, the ring is there, just not much else if you know what I mean.
Well there must be at least three or four guys in the world who would find this attractive and who would want a shot at Kate Moss.
Joe Satriani - Sydney
I want you to know that despite Jessica Simpson making numerous appearances on the site, I really have nothing against her. Honestly. I know she has lots of supporters. I do find it odd though that she wants the world to take her voice seriously and only focus on her songs and this is the outfit she chooses to wear for a concert.
Pete Doherty - London

Luckily someone was there to catch the baby when Naomi Campbell threw it at the photographer shortly after this photo was taken.
I think you know I'm a big fan of Mila Kunis, but there is something really strange going on.
Don't you think?
Leire Martinez is the new singer for La Oreja de Van Gogh. Apparently this is a big deal in Spain. I just think it is a cool name for a group. Tough to fit on a ticket, but a cool name.
You know Rainn Wilson was loving this.

And desperately tries to get Pete's number before Pete changes his mind.
Paul Rodriguez wins father of the day honors as he was in Costa Mesa to celebrate the victory of his son. I think it is kind of cool he was there.
Penny Marshall working it like only she can.
I have to say that Prince Harry is my favorite royal right after Lestiza of Spain.

So, with Sarah Silverman and Jimmy Kimmel splitting up, who was the homewrecker. Was it Ben Affleck or Matt Damon? Well whoever it was, now they have plenty of time to f**k them.

Everyone seems to enjoy Shia LaBeouf so I'm happy to oblige.
Has anyone ever, at anytime in the history of the world actually seen Spike Lee running?
Disney approved.
Ricky Gervais was in town on Friday and Saturday night and I missed it. Of course since I didn't find out until late Saturday night, there wasn't anything I could do about ti. Looks like he enjoyed the food though. I won't be missing Eddie Izzard next month though.
Zachary Mazur gets the job of a lifetime. Keeping Slash from falling to the ground.

The one and only Whoopi Goldberg.
Love this photo of The Vivians.
The Mars Volta - Rotterdam
Sigourney Weaver looks amazing and Peter Gabriel is a new dad, so congratulations Peter.

Daily Mirror Blind Item

Which supposedly strait-laced couple, who harp on about the joys of domesticity, actually enjoy an open marriage - regularly bringing home new partners to experiment with?

Peter Cook Is So Full Of Crap

Did you see Peter Cook on Geraldo this weekend? Don't worry about, I didn't either. Hey, that's why YouTube and the internet were invented. We don't have to watch shows we hate on the off chance someone interesting will be on there.

Anyway, Geraldo had the lecherous one on his show and Peter Cook said he wouldn't have an affair now if he could just go back in time. Uh huh. Knowing that he is going to have to support his porn habit and not get to use the 18 properties probably has a little more to do with his decision than feeling sorry he had sex with an 18 year old and ruined his marriage.

How would he handle the having sex with an 18 year old now? "I'd say, 'No, I'm a married man. Move on."

Take a minute. I know that when you laugh really hard, the tears start to well up in your eyes and it can be hard to see the screen. Feel better now? First of all I don't think that she was the one who made the move that needed to be rebuffed. Second of all I bet he would do it again if given the chance. Hey guys are pigs. I know. I am one.

If you tell a 49 year old guy he can have sex with an 18 year old girl for free and he won't get caught, what do you think the guy is going to do? I know what you want your guy to say, and hopefully he will, but if you guarantee to him that no one will ever know, I'm guessing that in most surveys the percentage of guys who take the chance is going to be right around 70-75%. If you want to watch the Peter Cook video, click here. I will warn you in advance that you will have to actually look at Geraldo. Please take the appropriate measures in advance of you clicking.

Well She Could Be I. Driver (That's What She Said)

Passing up what could possibly be the naming opportunity of the century, Minne Driver has chosen the name of her kid in advance. If it is a boy, his name will be Thomas, and if it is a girl, Isabella.

While I would never suggest names that are clearly outrageous, like Pile or Drunk, I think the last time this subject was broached, all of the comments from you readers were constructive and she could have gone with something traditional, but still fun like Screw. I mean there must be thousands of kids every year who are named Screw, but how many of them get to be a tool AND a delicious adult beverage all with one name.

My guess is though that Nicole and Keith stole her thunder when they took Sunday. I mean Sunday works well for male or female. She has said her favorite group is The Sunday's and still Sunday Driver is just funny enough where everyone can get a laugh, but not so dumb where the kid is getting his ass kicked everyday.

Now though, the kid has no chance to do anything fun with the name and I think that is an opportunity lost.

Mark Ronson Blind Item

So, any guesses on who Mark Ronson decided not to have sex with. Allegedly when the reporter he was talking to mentioned a name, Mark smiled and winked. I'll tell you who that was later today.

"I've said no to a very famous, white, bland and very boring English soul chick, whom shall remain unnamed."

Courtney Love Needs To Grow Up

I keep expecting Courtney Love to grow up, or get older or get a brain. You would just think that after 40 or so years on this earth that someone, no matter how many drugs they took would start to get their crap together. Apparently Courtney hasn't quite found that level yet though. She is kind of like Billy Madison, but is having trouble getting through that third grade year.

In her latest hieroglyphic rant on her MySpace page, Courtney lays into Billy Corgan of Smashing Pumpkins because he isn't going to attend Fances Bean's 16th birthday. (I know, I know, the Bean is 16 and we are all ancient.)

Unless you are a parent or a child of the birthday person, since when is not coming to a birthday party a trashable offense?

"A sweet sixteen is a big event and I think she looked upon you as family. I know she did, as a trustworthy and wise (child), and you can't lay your shit on a child of nine, and you as a man of 40 - my child sobbing, due to you, is unacceptable. I hate stating this on some random public forum, but the line is the kid, man."

Umm, then don't state it in a forum. Pick up the phone and call him. What makes her rant really hard to understand is that she is referring to a child of nine. Now, Billy Corgan did live at the Love household for whatever reason back in 2006, but by my math that would have made Bean 14, and not 9. The nine could be referring to Courtney's age, or the number of drugs she takes everyday, but the kid is 16.

I also doubt that the Bean was crying that Billy wasn't going to come because of some emotional attachment, but rather the fact that she probably told all her friends he was going to be there and play or something. Is there a rule that says that anyone who has visited your house for longer than a couple of weeks has to attend your 16th birthday party because if there is, then I got seriously ripped off when it came to presents.

To make Billy feel even worse, the heroin one writes, "Gearrd Way (sic), who would do it in five seconds and has even asked and begged for his bandmate to cancel out on the honeymoon of his (coinciding with the sweet sixteen) so he can do it, made sure to promise to be there."

My Chemical Romance is a great band so everything should work out great. If Courtney's story is true, then if I were going on my honeymoon and Gerard asked me to do it, I would tell him to f**k off because as much as I love the Bean, it's your honeymoon. If I were the newly married wife I would be pissed. My guess is that said bandmate will not be there despite the threat of a heroin addled rant headed his way.

A Lohan I Can Love

Other than Cody and the grandmother there aren't really any Lohans that I would want to spend much time with. Sure if you made me I could spend a few minutes with Lindsay and if I was drunk enough I could probably listen to Ali squawk for a few minutes. But, under no circumstances would I ever want to spend anytime with Michael Lohan. Ever. Oh, sure if someone made a reality tape of him in prison being gang raped next to Joe Francis, I might tune in for a few laughs, but other than that not so much.

So when the newest Lohan, Ashley Kaufmann said she wanted to meet all the Lohans except Michael and Dina, I nearly shed a tear. I'm sure with time she will realize that Ali probably isn't much fun either, and that Lindsay probably won't return her calls, but hey there's Cody and somehow, someway that kid is going to turn out normal.

Now, as for Ashley's mom, I'm not really liking her. It's one thing to have a secret lust child with Michael and to even take him to court, but another thing to go to the press and thrust your daughter into the spotlight simply because you want some attention and think maybe your daughter can get some Hollywood money. So, as far as I'm concerned Mama Kaufmann can go join Michael and Dina over in the corner. Even though she probably did get knocked up Michael, there is something just so insincere and shady about her that I can see why she clicked with Michael.

"The Hills" Come To Washington DC - Reader Rant

In case you haven't heard, and I hadn't, a Hills type show is going to be based in Washington DC. This would then give The Hills, or their illegitimate cousins LA, NY, and Washington DC. It's kind of like CSI, but except for acting, like to say words such as like and OMG! a lot. A whole lot. Anyway, a reader who is from the DC area, but now makes her home in Los Angeles has serious issues with this new Washington DC group and wanted to rant. This makes sense because this is the home of the rant. Oh, and the strongly worded letter.



When one thinks of Washington DC , glitz and glamour are generally not the first things to come to mind. But unfortunately for us, a non-Hills affiliated production company is ripping off MTV’s lame brained reality show to dumb down the city best known for it’s intellectual prowess. As if Lauren Conrad and Heidi Montag’s presence at the White House Correspondents Dinner wasn’t insulting enough, now we have to watch a cast of Spencer Pratts, spoiled by their privileged upbringing in an intellectual environment that has them fooled into believing their opinions matter.

So, what kind of brainiacs has MTV cast to show America the sassy, sophisticated side of our nation’s capital?

Let’s start with “web consulting guru” Katherine Kennedy. Uh, earth to Katherine, pimping out your myspace page does not a guru make. Her blog is something my 14 year old cousin could design and has a bunch of postings about upcoming charity events and wine bar nights. And what am I going to watch this girl do every day? Copy and paste her emails from Daily Candy onto her blog? Riveting!

Next, we have Sophie Pyle. The token brunette which I guess is supposed to make her seem more serious and DC than her blonde counterparts. However, much like Audrina, she doesn’t really DO anything. She’s taking a semester off from UNC Chapel Hill. Read: she’ll admit she dropped out once this show takes off and she’s got her own Candies ad. I’m bored of her already. Next!

I’ve saved the best for last: sister duo Krista and Alexa Johnson, who have dubbed themselves the “Blonde Charity Mafia.” Yeah, try saying that with a straight face. I once again turned to my good friend Google for help but all I could find on her is that she is part owner of a boutique that sells, among other things, jewelry designed by Katherine Kennedy. What category of philanthropy does that fall under, girls?

Seems like we have a third and final show terrible enough to, when paired with “Living Lohan” and “It’s Complicated”, make up the trifecta of the worst night on television. I look forward to your review, Enty!

Something To Like About Nicole Kidman

Turns out that Nicole Kidman does have some redeeming qualities. Apparently despite all the tabloids wanting to purchase photos of her new bundle of joy, she thinks it's wrong to exploit kids that way and so won't be selling any photos to any magazines.

Now, that is refreshing. You know that if Matthew McConaughey got $3M that for sure Nicole and Keith Urban were probably in about the $5M range. Giving up $5M guaranteed for just a few photos with you and the baby is tough to pass up. Combined with Brangelina's $1 Billion, the tabloids have spent a combined $4 billion on baby photos this year which is the equivalent to about 5 euros, maybe 6.

What Nicole and Keith are planning on doing is releasing a photo for free at some point in the future. Now, this of course is a double edged sword. See, if Nicole doesn't release one soon, then what will happen is that the magazines will want a photo and it will make them insane with drool and spittle flying from their mouths. They will curse the family who isn't greedy and promise to pay an outrageous sum to a pap who gets a first photo which of course will cause half the world of photographers to descend on Keith and Nicole trying to get the first photo.

I want to make it clear that although I prefer what Nicole and Keith are doing, if you are going to exploit your children, then I'm all for the Brangelina way because charities are going to be the one to have a great day or even a great year because of the amount of money Brangelina is going to contribute. The biggest problems I have are with couples who don't need the money, but are willing to sell their souls and exploit their children for a few bucks so they can impress their friends and feel a self-inflated sense of importance that their kid managed to make it in a magazine.

In a whisper, "They sold their photos, but just to Life & Style. Tragic. "

NY Daily News Blind Item

Which pervy cad about town has yet another weird penchant ... for edible underwear? He makes all of his ladies wear a specially made licorice thong that he likes to slowly chew off of them.