Lets Talk Shoes

The Quest


The result


No, I haven't freaked out, and yes, its still me writing. Over the past few weeks I have taken my first dip into the world of women's shoes. No, I'm not wearing them. I was buying them. I am not completely unaware when it comes to women's shoes. I certainly enjoy seeing them on women. But, aside from knowing that the thing on the bottom was a heel, I was pretty ignorant. Sure, I know from hearing the screams of women in the office that Nordstroms is having a shoe sale, but I never really gave it a thought.

Well, in the search of a perfect birthday present, I decided I would buy some shoes. A few weeks ago the woman I was buying them for and I had been in a store and she practically died when she saw a pair of what I now know are YSL Tributes. YSL Tribute T-Straps to be exact. Seeing the reaction on her face, I decided that shoes would be a really great birthday gift. I think that every guy is always trying to find a gift that they know their significant other will really love. We don't usually succeed, and so the opportunity was too good to pass up.

So, I began my search. Unfortunately for me, I chose a recession to do it in. You might be asking yourself why that really matters. Well, it means that stores were trying to figure out a way to get people to actually spend money. As I discovered last weekend, the way they do this is by having sales. Specifically, sales on shoes. Women's shoes.

Ummm. I know from television and stereotypes about women that they will fight over a pair of shoes. I also thought that is all it really was. Stereotypes. I was wrong. Last week I discovered that women really will fight, hoard and claw their way to any shoe they like, especially if it is on sale at a huge discount.

I was out of place. There are three stores on Wilshire here in LA that are next door to each other. Barneys , Saks, and Nieman Marcus. At each of those stores I was the only guy there alone. In fact the only men I saw other than me were men who looked as if the idea of death would be a sweet alternative to the madness they were witnessing. It is one thing to be there alone as I was searching for the perfect pair of shoes and quite another to know that Best Buy is not anywhere close.

My first mistake in all of this was believing that because I had been in a store before that I could somehow translate that to the art of shoe shopping. Not so. I had selected several online. Not alone. She had helped and I had about 30 shoes I could choose from, but the purple YSL Tributes were the Mother Load. The gold that I needed to find.

Saks was my first stop. Umm. Bad idea. It was chaos. There were literally hundreds of women who had piles of shoes in their hands. Sales people were cowering in the corner whimpering for their Mom. What the store had done was leave one pair of each shoe out in front on display. Then, if you had a question about shoe size or availability you waited in line with the shoe. Well, women were not taking one shoe. They each had ten to fifteen pairs of shoes. As a result, there were no shoes on the actual sales floor. Instead they were all in the hands of women who were in a line that stretched fifty deep. The wait was around two hours just to find out if they had that shoe in your size. If they didn't, your wait was for nothing. No one seemed to mind though. Apparently a discount that size on designer shoes was worth any suffering. But, I'm a guy so I moved on.

Niemans was my next stop. Busy. Crowded. Sale was going on, but there was no madness. There was though a pair of Mustard color Tributes and they were the right size. Grabbed them. Had to have them. They were not the purple but was I ever actually going to see the purple in person anyway? Meanwhile I asked the sales person about a pair of Burberry heels that were also on my list and were on the Niemans website. Umm, they only carry them online, not in the store. But no problem sir, there is a Burberry store just down the street. Great. I bought the mustard shoes.

So, two blocks down and I'm at Burberry. Almost empty. Obviously the store doesn't need any money because they are not having a sale. So, despite the absence of customers, no one really seems in a hurry to help a lone guy in the women's shoe department. Maybe they just think I have some strange fetish. I don't know, but they are not helping me. So, finally I ask someone if they could help me. They do, and I show them the shoe on display. Do they have the right size? They will check for me. 20 minutes later they come back and say they don't have anything in that size but will take my name and number and let me know when they come in. Great.

On to Barney's. Very helpful people, but sorry sir, all sold out of all the Tributes. Maybe they would get some in next week. We do have some great bags on sale though. Really? Well this whole shoe thing could really backfire, so maybe a nice bag would be good. OK, what the hell. Now I have one bag and one pair of Tributes, but in the wrong color. Back to Niemans.

Now why am I going back there? Well, if I can't find the Burberry shoes maybe I can find something close. My friendly sales person there says how about this pair of heels. Marked down from $900. Yeah. Those are nice. Black. hot. OK, I will get them. Now two pairs of shoes and one bag, but still neither of the two shoes at the top of my list.

Brainstorm. I'm looking for YSL shoes but have not done the obvious. I call YSL and ask if they have any Tributes. Of course they do. I didn't realize until later that YSL calls almost every damn shoe they make a Tribute. So, I trek the four blocks over to YSL and ask for the person who helped me on the phone. While I'm waiting, I see them. The purple shoes. The quest is over. I can hear the angels in my head singing.

One problem. They don't have the right size. The only size they have is almost two sizes bigger than the ones I need. This is going to require a text. "I found your shoes. Can you wear them two sizes too big?" The response. "Hell yes. I will make them fit."

Great. I am so happy. Thrilled beyond belief. After waiting for 20 minutes for them to put one pair of shoes in a bag the size of a small home, I am headed back to Niemans and my car.

Wow. I get home and I can't wait to show her the shoes. In a text I told her that I had not realized that the purple Tributes were a different style than the mustard Tributes, and that I thought all of the t-straps were the same. "Umm, the t strap Tributes are all the same style, hence the name," she said. "No, they aren't," I said. Uh oh. I mean, how am I supposed to know that they make more than one Tribute style in that purple color? I take a photo of the shoes next to each other and send it to her.

Later I heard she was laughing and crying and didn't know what to say. I got the wrong purple shoes. I got Tributes, but not t-strap Tributes. "The vamp is completely different." The vamp? What the hell is a vamp? Apparently the vamp is something down at the bottom that goes over the tops of the feet. I had got it wrong. 8 hours of shopping for nothing. I didn't get either of the two things I went to get specifically for her. Sure, I got three pairs of shoes she would love and a bag, but not the ones that would get the look. That squeal. I was so frustrated with myself. What could I do?

I will tell you what I did. I went to 20 or 25 stores. Scoured every internet site. Made hundreds of phone calls. Oh, and I also ended up buying another bag at Niemans and some perfume and some chocolate. Had to make up for not getting the purple shoes.

So, yesterday. I got a call from Burberry. Good news; they had the right size. Would I have time to come in? Of course. I could get one pair and things would be great. I text her and say they have your size. Do you still want them? Of course she says yes, and so I tell her I am about to buy them. Success. I get there and look at the box. It's the wrong size.

They apologize and will get back in touch with me when they come in. So, the end result of all this is that I didn't get anything I started out to get. The lesson learned here is that I should have dived into that free for all at Saks and got the shoes. Now I know why they were doing what they were doing.

I'm Amazed He Found The Time

So, Gordon Ramsay finally broke down and confessed that he cheated on his wife at least four times with Sarah Symonds. That means it was probably eight times. She also said they had phone sex all of the time with each session lasting about an hour. If you combine that with the rumors running around that Gordon has actually cheated on his wife with four or five different women and he had the same time for all of them, then Gordon was a very busy man. It's no wonder he doesn't spend any time cooking anymore. He has to spend every waking moment taking care of the women he is cheating on his wife with, making sure he isn't caught, pretending he loves his wife, write cookbooks, go on television and be pals with celebrities.

I'm also wondering if Gordon got kicked out of his wife's bed or if he perhaps brought one of his women to the bed he shared with his wife because it seems really strange that the Ramsay's would choose yesterday of all days to throw away a mattress. I mean is that going to be on the top of your list of things to do when your marriage has been thrust into the international spotlight?

And also, Gordon, you are supposed to be smart. I still haven't figured out why he would pick a professional mistress to have an affair with. She has kissed and told before which is how she became famous but you thought she would keep quiet about you. Please. It almost makes me think that subconsciously he wanted to be caught by his wife. He must have known that she would spill it all and she did. Hell she got paid to do it by the tabloids and is trying to get even more out of them now to spill even more dirt.

Meanwhile his wife is all grins and giggles in public. I've talked in the past about how I have hurt people I love and I can't imagine them ever just running out in front of the cameras pretending to be all happy and lighthearted about it. Maybe she is doing it for the kids. I don't know, but either she really is unconcerned or she is one hell of an actress.

That's Attractive

You know I will be the first to admit that it is possible over the years that I may have allowed myself to make use of a facility other than a bathroom to take care of nature's call. It happens. I daresay it has happened to many of us. Of course, most of the time it happens is because we drank so much that we couldn't even wait five more minutes to make it to a bathroom so we tell the driver to hurry up and pull over. We then feel amazing for like ten minutes until the cycle repeats itself. By that time of course though, the driver has said enough and basically left you to hitchhike home when you sober up.

As much as I am willing to admit to the above, I am also willing to say that during the day, in the sight of numerous places with restrooms to use, I have never just dropped the fly and let loose against a wall. I can't do it. I have seen to many homeless people do it over the years and I just can't even contemplate it. Apparently though Mark Wahlberg has no such compunctions and it is comfortable just whipping out his peen wherever he may be. I'm sure that as his kids grow older this is the kind of behavior he would want them to emulate. To me there is just no excuse for this. It is obviously in a very public area and you would think he would have some kind of respect for the general public.

Thanks to Popsugar for the photo. Lets hope that since its Thanksgiving they will hold off on a cease and desist notice until Monday.

"Mom & Dad. Meet Caz"

The holidays are a time when you introduce your special someone to the family. It could be because you are looking for any excuse to not spend the holidays with your own family, or it could be that when everyone is bloated with food and wine they will forget the fact the first time they saw your new significant other was when you were groping her at a nightclub.

Such is the case with Michael Phelps. Michael and his girlfriend have been dating for about two months but he decided to take her home and meet the family. Apparently his girlfriend Caz works at Moon nightclub in The Palms. Yes, that is the very same nightclub where those photos were released showing Michael groping a cocktail waitress' butt. And yes, that lovely gropee is in fact now meeting the family.

That night was the first night they met and hey, I'm happy for them. It also goes to show you that I in fact can be wrong about the intentions of Michael that night. He obviously saw her as something more than an object an I apologize. I'm wrong a great deal in life so this is not the first time I've had to apologize.

Happy Thanksgiving

I hope that everyone is having a wonderful Thanksgiving. Yesterday, the time got a little away from me and by the time I knew it, the day was over and I was well on my way through a bottle of booze. My plan was to blog last night, but alas, I didn't. I am going to try and do some blogging tonight so that way everyone can have something to read if they don't want to go off shopping.

Even though it is not Thanksgiving outside of the US, I still want all of you to know how truly thankful I am for each of you and for this site. It's been over two years now and it just keeps getting better and better and it is all because of each of you. I'm just a guy who writes some things that are mildly entertaining, but it is each of you that makes the site what it is.

I hope that all of you know how thankful I am for you and that I will keep doing this as long as you keep reading.

For those of you celebrating Thanksgiving today I hope that you enjoy all the time you are spending with your family and friends. I wish all of you the greatest day.

I'm sorry I didn't post anything earlier today. I know many of you were worried because I just disappeared rather abruptly yesterday. I know I caused some disappointment. I really do appreciate all of you and I will try harder to make sure you all are aware of it.

That Makes No Sense

How many of you have helped with some kind of holiday decorations. I know many of you might not celebrate Christmas but surely you have helped out with some Halloween decorations or taking some kind of rarely used box down from a shelf, the garage or the attic. Everyone has.

See if this sounds familiar. There are two of you. The idiot, in this couple can generally be found at the top of a ladder if you are lucky. If they are not lucky they are swaying precariously on a bar stool while standing on their tip toes trying to reach the box that was shoved six feet above their head about a year prior. The idiot then attempts to lift a 30 pound box with the tips of their fingers while the person down below looks serious, but is in fact laughing their ass off. At this point, the idiot is either successful, falls over or drops the box on the unsuspecting person below.

Well, Jamie Hince and Kate Moss would have us to believe that the black eye, and cuts and bruises they acquired were as a result of Jamie being on a ladder, then somehow dropping the box on Kate Moss and at the same time finding a way to get under the box so it also landed on top of him as well. Umm. This is like watching the Seinfeld re-enactment of the JFK shooting. I don't think its possible, but I have to admit that this is probably the most inventive story I have heard in a long time. Just for that, I am going to give them the first holiday b.s. pass. I don't believe your story, but it is damn good so from now on I will treat it as gospel. To read their explanation click here.

"I Only Drink After 3pm"

Mariah Carey was on Ellen yesterday and refused to actually drink any champagne Ellen offered her. Ellen then accused Mariah of being pregnant. Please. That would involve Mariah having sex and honestly, probably Nick would have to cleanse himself for 24 hours prior to any sexual act with Mariah and not physically touch her during the act. Of course we could believe Mariah when she said that she doesn't drink before 3pm. It was a Wednesday. Who says that? People are at work for 3 or 4 more hours and she is already drinking. I guarantee you though that if she says 3pm, she drinks earlier. She just knows it's weird to the world if she says noon.

Mariah having a baby. I don't think Mariah is unselfish enough to have a baby.

Daily Mirror Blind Item

Which same sex couple, who publicly claim to be devoted to one another, actually enjoy a very open relationship - regularly picking up new partners in sleazy Soho stripclubs?

Today's Blind Items

Did you ever hear some news and you just said to yourself you hope it isn't true? I heard some today about a couple and it is one of the first times that I can recall where I just really hope my source got it wrong. I like both people in this couple. The husband is a celebrity, and the wife is a B- list actress who is pregnant. I know I usually give more identifying information, but this one time I think it is best not to. One of the things about this is that there have been two different versions flying around town. One is that he has been cheating on her not with anyone in particular, but basically just a string of no names that are attracted to him. The other version is they both cheated. I've met her, but never met him. So, with that in mind, I'm going to have to say that I don't see her ever cheating and that he, in fact is the one doing the cheating. While she's pregnant? That's pretty low.

Random Photos Part One - With Reader Photos

I figure if you have about 200 hours of programming on television each week that maybe you should get the top spot. Sure, Dick Wolf probably has a billion dollars but this is the top of random photos so that is priceless. OK, not really, but maybe his assistant reads the site.

It's Adrien Brody so that should be enough, but I think he's wearing velvet. Automatically gets you in now.

Etta James should have probably got the top spot, but unfortunately she chose to stand next to Beyonce.

All of you loved Baz Luhrman so much that I put him in again. This time with Valentino.

When I first saw this photo of Blake Lively I missed the fact she was wearing the belt. At first I thought she had given up Gossip Girl and decided she was going to star in a remake of VIP.

In my opinion, it is still too soon for the comeback. A record and tour and promotion seems to be a bit much right now in her recovery.

The new dad certainly can smirk huh? Why I ought to...

The only time I feel healthy is when I go to Jamba Juice. Glad David Beckham and I have something in common. Of course the drink I get there has about 5,000 calories, but it has fruit in it somewhere so I feel good about it.

Shape does their monthly tribute to airbrushing. This time with Debra Messing. I'm not even sure her husband would recognize her in this photo.

Add to my drinking list, one night of bombed to the gills drunkeness with Fran and Rosie.

Hugh Jackman. Sorry about Nicole.

How about Hugh with his wife instead?

Harvey Keitel on the set of Life On Mars.

Michael Imperioli also on the set.

Wait. I know, I know. It actually looks as if Jessica Alba is trying to act.

Didn't even recognize Jane Fonda.

I prefer to actually lift the seat up, but have been known to forget so I can empathize with Joey Fatone.

Glad to see Kelsey Grammer doing better.

Lordi - New York

Miley's not pregnant right?

Naomi Watts is though and I really like this photo.

Olivia Newton John at the Australia premiere in New York. Makes sense.

First time appearance for Paul Blackthorne. I think. Maybe not. Damn there are too many actors. I can't remember.

"Great, now I have something that matches my blue balls after being with Camilla so long."

"Ummm. I'm assuming you all are in uniform right?"

Been awhile since I had Padma Lakshmi in the photos.

Reader Photo #1

Reader Photo #2

Drink away Rachael Ray. Drink away. I wonder how many it takes to get her through a public event.

Not quite as many as if she had to stand next to Stephen Baldwin all night. You know what though? Let me say this. When he and Corbin Bernsen were on Celebrity Mole together, it was funny as hell.

The Dirty Awards in Atlanta. Wow, who would have thunk something like this would have happened? It's an awards show. It's a piece of metal. Who gives a crap if you get one or not. Although, I think it would be nice if at The Golden Globes some year people got pepper sprayed. I guarantee more people would watch the show from then on.

Rob Thomas Tries To Save Some Horses

Wow, as soon as I wrote the headline I started humming that U2 song, "Who's Gonna Ride Your Wild Horses." Damn, can't get it out of my head. Good song to have stuck in there. It's better than "I'm Too Sexy" which I invariably start humming everytime I post that Michael Lohan photo in his mesh shirt. Seriously, do you think he was trying to see if he could sell a calendar or maybe he put it on his match.com profile. I don't know. Anyway, it must be Thanksgiving week because all the stories are becoming so nice.

According to the NY Daily News, Rob Thomas is doing his very best to save some horses from returning to their abusive owners. There are two horses being cared for by Pets Alive which were sent to the shelter because the owners of the horses had neglected them and the horses were very badly injured. Rob has been giving money to the shelter, and recently made an offer of about $10,000 for the two horses. The problem is that the owners won't sell them to Rob and it is even possible the horses may in fact go back to the owners.

That would be the worst possible idea ever. OK, not the worst. Lindsay Lohan adopting a child is worse. But not by much. Hopefully the owners will do the right thing, and Rob Thomas gets a big thank you from me and other animal lovers out there. Of course though, he is still going to get bumped here by U2 because I really want all of you to hum it with me the rest of the day.

Daily Mirror Blind Item

Which celeb is terrified his thing for exotic hookers is about to come to light, to the horror of his wife and children?

I Feel Superficial

I just got done watching the video below, and I have to say that I feel like the most superficial person in the world. I would imagine many of you have heard the story of Brenden Foster, but for those of you have not, I will briefly summarize. He is an 11 year old boy who died of leukemia last Friday. Instead of doing the Make A Wish thing or asking for something for himself, he did something for the world. Given two weeks to live, Brenden said that he wanted to feed the homeless. Well, people all over the country have done just that. With Thanksgiving here approaching, and the economy in shatters, this boy who was dying didn't think of himself but the people he considered less fortunate than himself. That is inspiration. It also makes everything else going on in the world of celebrity meaningless. Paris Hilton seems pretty insignificant after viewing this and reading about what this boy did.

Below is a video from ABC News and if you click here, you can read and watch more video from one of the local Seattle stations which is where Brenden lived.

Eva Mendes Is Full Of Crap

Hang on a second, I just can't stop laughing. In a recent interview on the red carpet of some event, Eva Mendes said that she hates wearing anything with cleavage and does not like to ever reveal too much of her breasts.

"I don't wear short things. As for cleavage, I'll bring the girls out at certain times but I don't parade them too often. I like to keep them for special occasions!"

Umm. Is it my imagination or has the entire world seen the "girls" about 1,000 times over the past six months. It seems as if they are always out. They have been out more than Carson Kressley at a gay pride parade. I don't know who she is kidding. Maybe she is just talking about red carpets or something, but to me this is just a bunch of crap. This is the kind of thing celebrities say when they can't think of anything else to say but are desperate for attention and a quote and a story in some publication. It makes no sense.

So, her philosophy seems to be, prim and proper on the red carpet or in public, but when she is getting paid they are there for the looking. That seems kind of cheap but maybe she considers getting paid to show them off a special occasion. Stay classy Eva. Oh, and button up. Too much cleavage on those photos above. Must have been getting paid.

Chris Klein To The Cruise Residence Please

Tom Cruise went and did it. He gave an interview to Grazia Magazine in Australia. Wow, they must have been desperate to fill space. In the interview, Tom spent most of the time telling them what a great dad he is and was, and how basically ever since Bella was born he has been the greatest dad on earth. Yes, he called her Bella. Katie has to be Kate, but somehow Isabella can be Bella. Maybe he is just trying to show the Twilight crowd that he is cool and hip and down with their lingo. Or that he was a vampire once as well. Give him as much crap as you want, but he was pretty damn good in that film. You hear that David Geffen? I gave you a compliment. You cast him. You fought with Anne Rice. You deserve the credit. Sorry, got off track.

Anyway, Tom said that because of all his parenting experience he was able to advise Katie on what to do and what not to do. What that means is that he confined her to her room and the staff took care of Suri. He also encourage the paps to take as many photos of Suri as they wanted. Sure he does, because that is the only way he is going to keep himself in the news. Think about it. How many actors who have not had a hit film in years can keep the paps around this long. I wouldn't be surprised if he is subsidizing the whole thing.

The good news for all of you is that Tom said Suri can expect a younger brother or sister in the future. Yes, he used the word younger which would seem obvious, but you never know. He said Katie is not pregnant now. He also didn't say that Katie would be the mom or that Tom would be the dad. He just said Suri would be getting a younger brother or sister in the future. My guess is that the child will be adopted. Either that or Tom and Katie will split up and Tom will find some woman who is already pregnant, and marry her really quickly and call the baby his own. That would work also.

Paris Hilton Advice

This is going to seem like the most bizarre post in the history of my posting. The only thing more bizarre would be if I decided to ask Denise Richards to marry me or something. I better not even joke about something like that. She's so desperate right now she probably would. Anyway, I don't know if you saw what happened to Paris Hilton over the weekend, but it appears she has finally jumped the shark. It took long enough so it must have been a really huge shark, but she did it. At least in LA.

Over the weekend she was supposed to introduce the Pussycat Dolls but when she was announced, the crowd lustily booed and Paris broke into tears and refused to take the stage. Over in the UK they hate her BFF show and over here no one wants to watch it which is not surprising considering no one wanted to audition for it either. Let me stop right there. I could post an ad on Craigslist right now seeking actors or actresses for a reality show involving great bodily harm with no pay and there would be a line around the corner. Paris couldn't get anyone.

Here's the thing Paris. You made your money and it is time to move on. As someone who has seen everything, here's my advice to you if you want to be making money off yourself in a few years. Take a break. I know you thought you were taking a break by dating Benji Madden, but you weren't. Sure, you were not out earning money for yourself every night, but you were still out every night being seen, so you might as well have been getting paid.

Just take a year, maybe two and do what you want. Learn to read. Write a book, go hang out with Joe The Sex Offender down on his island. Whatever. You need to let the world kind of be done with you for awhile. Go learn a skill other than how to be annoying. Go steal some of your sister's fashion designs. Go take acting classes for two years. Whatever it is, only come out once every six months so we know you are alive. After about two years of this you will be ready for your comeback. There is nothing we like more in the US than a comeback. Shannen Doherty? We all love her now, but ten years ago she was you and everyone was ready for her to leave. Make a comeback with a skill and you will be even more popular. You can then probably get another three or four year run out of the fame you already enjoy now.

But, as a warning. If you don't take the break now, the only work you will be getting six months from now is hosting birthday parties for some Russian guy's family or a guy's night out in Dubai. Sure, you will get the invitations to host parties in the US, but they will be to cut a ribbon at the new Mattress Depot store. So leave. Go. Disappear for awhile. And if my plan doesn't work and you can't get back on top, well, then I don't think too many of us will be crying.

American Music Awards Report

There’s nothing celebrities enjoys more than lavish affairs celebrating their greatness. Exhibit A: the American Music Awards. Fortunately for myself and about 200 other star stalkers, lots of celebs can’t sit for more than 10 minutes without running to the bathroom to “powder their nose” and thus, every ceremony needs some seat fillers. This is how I, thanks to my ravishing good looks and “trendy hollywood club attire” (the seatfilling company’s words, not mine) fashion sense, found myself seated among the stars on a Sunday afternoon for the 2008 AMA’s.

Christina Aguilera’s opening of the show had been much hyped by a friend who had seen her in rehearsals, but unfortunately, it was as rough as she’s been looking lately. Started off GREAT: singing the first verse of “Beautiful” acapella. But, dear readers, that was where the greatness began and ended. As soon as she launched into a medley of her dance hits, she seemed to forget how to do two things at once. She was so focused on her dancing that I heard her sing maybe 3 words and a few “oh oh”’s throughout the rest of the performance….she even forgot some of the words to Genie in a Bottle. I’m sure this was covered up for TV viewers by the backing track but this is the beauty of being a seat filler: you get to see what really goes on.

After an AWESOME performance by New Kids on the Block and a bizarre and clearly drug fueled monologue by Scott Weiland I FINALLY pushed a teenage girl out of my way and managed to escape the seat fillers holding area for a place among the action. Though I was not seated next to any celebrities, I did have a nice view of Chris Brown, Jamie Foxx, David Archuleta (who should really consider a career as a Keebler Elf should this whole singing thing not take off), Taylor Swift, and Wu-Tang Clan.
Though I did not notice them when I first sat down, Daughtry and his band were seated to my left. I had noticed that someone in that vicinity was being a little loud and obnoxious but these are rock stars (and I use that term loosely) so, whatever. When the Jonas Brothers took the stage I realized just WHO was being so annoying when Chris Daughtry jumped out of his chair and started mocking the boys by imitating their dancing in the aisle by his seat. Dude, Chris, can I call you Chris?, I get it. Really I do. I think those boys are three of the luckiest teenagers on the planet given that they have NO talent and always sing off key live, but really? Need I remind you that you were discovered on a reality show? It seems someone had indulged in one too many of something before he came into the awards show and continued his comedy act until his band members yelled at him and physically pulled him back into his seat.

The show continued and I noticed an odd trend happening over in Chris Brown’s vicinity. At every commercial break Chris was out of his seat and over talking to Jamie Foxx. Rihanna stayed where she was, talking to those around her. No big deal really. But it was definitely more than coincidence or excitement when they both went up to receive their second, and for Chris Brown, third, awards and there was absolutely no acknowledgement of the other person. No hugs, no thank you’s, they didn’t even look in their “significant other’s” direction before they went up to make their speeches. My interest piqued by this behavior I went and looked at pictures from the event and while most celebs had at least one picture with their date if they had brought one along, Rihanna and Chris? All the pictures of them on the red carpet are solo. And not near each other which means they arrived separately. Could the rumors of a Chris Brown/Rihanna/Kanye West love triangle be true?

Speaking of Kanye, as cocky as he can be (AND HE CAN BE COCKY!!!!), he did give a killer performance. Annie Lennox blew everyone away when she performed her hit, “Why” accompanied only by candle light and her piano. I hope that some of the other performers, ahem, Jonas Brothers, were humbled by her performance as she reminded everyone in the auditorium what a real musician looks, and sounds, like.

However, the moment I knew would be most appreciated by CDAN readers, knowing Enty’s dislike for this celebrity couple as we do, came at the beginning of Mariah Carey’s performance. When the lights came up, Mariah was on some sort of pedestal that turned slowly around to face the audience. There was a guy waiting for Mariah to help her down from her pedestal and yes, you guessed it, it was Nick Cannon. This was his SOLE function in the performance, to take her hand and escort her down three stairs. Then he walked off the stage. What, were all the PA’s busy helping Julianne Hough apply her 56th coat of spray tan? I half expected him to come back out on stage with his nail file and get to work on her corns while she finished singing. Somebody might be finding a little bonus in their allowance this week!

Though I have just spent paragraphs on all the snark and low points of the evening, all in all I thought the show was great. Being able to be there and see so many great performers all under the same roof was awesome. The only thing that could’ve made the night perfect was if the Jonas Brothers went home empty handed. Maybe next year…..

NY Post Blind Items

WHICH ex-couple - an actor and a model - still share some aspects of their sex life? Both are known to sleep with a famous Lower East Side topless dancer who has a reputation of never going home alone .

WHICH TV host has such good rapport with his fetching female co-host that his wife has correctly guessed they're having an affair?

Today's Blind Items

Wanted to remind you there will be one more post at some point today about the American Music Awards. The person who is writing it was right in the middle of all the action. Not our usual awards spy, but the same kind of information you can get only if you were there sitting in the midst of it. Also, the Reader Photos were supposed to start today, but I forgot, so you will get a double helping tomorrow. Sorry about that.

This is a big one. Really big. I actually never thought it would happen. Well, actually I thought it would happen, but I thought it would be the husband who would be doing the cheating. Hell, he probably would if he wasn't so damn scared of his wife. Apparently though his B+ list actress wife with A list name recognition does not have the same fear of her husband. While shooting her new film, our actress has got extremely hot and heavy with one of the producers on the film. The producer is going through a divorce, and now one has to wonder if our actress would be willing to do the same. Wow. This would be a tabloid feeding frenzy of epic proportions.

Random Photos Part One

I don't know how I missed this photo of Daniel Craig in Sydney last week. I feel bad about that so I put it in the top spot. I also put it here because I figured most of you could imagine that woman getting her photo taken with Daniel. Of course, I have a feeling most of you would have tried to kidnap him shortly after.

Anderson Cooper always looks good. I've noticed he always looks the same also.
Always nice to see what the other Kidman sister is up to and how Antonia differs cosmetically from Nicole.
Always nice to see Benjamin Bratt. The guy never goes out anymore so this is a rare photo of him.
Billy Dec and Patrick Swayze. Patrick still looks really thin, but glad to see he made it to the wrap party.
Brad Pitt and how he feels having six kids running around all the time. No, actually it is from his new film where he ages backwards.

I've seen better photos of Christina Aguilera.
Christina Aguilera - Los Angeles
Charles Dance and a really good photo of David Tennant.
Coldplay - Los Angeles
You may not know who Carice van Houten is, but I had to put her in the photos because this is a woman who had to work alongside Tom Cruise on this whole Valkyrie mess. She deserves some kind of award just for the fact she can smile about it.
Faith Hill - New York
I'm guessing Jessica Biel didn't do the all over body tan.
JC Chasez might not have the most talent in the world, but he does have an amazing ability to never age.
Jimmy Kimmel looks, umm, really happy.
This almost made the top spot because it has been a long time since Sadie Frost and Jude Law posed for any photos together.
Joely Richardson looks, really, really good.
Kanye West - Los Angeles
Leelee Sobieski gets her chance to make up for her fashion disaster last week and did pretty well.
You never know what kind of combination people will get themselves into. Here is Molly Sims along with Ricki Lake.
Remember all those photos of Guy Ritchie just smiling away after Madonna left. Look how happy Nicole Richie seems now that Paris is gone.
Pink - Los Angeles
Umm. Is Santa copping a feel off Kelly Ripa.
Selena Gomez looks 14 trying to be 40 here.
Slam Hayek just looks good.
I'm not sure I have ever had a photo of Sarah McLachlan in the photos where she wasn't performing.
Tom Cruise looks as if he is contemplating some important question about the fate of the world when in actuality someone just asked him if he preferred soy milk in his latte.
I'm fairly ignorant about extensions and things like that, but I like the new look of Taylor Swift.
I just figured that Nick Lachey could use all the free publicity he could get right now. The fact Lemon Jello was there couldn't be helped.
I love Vanessa Williams, but even I will admit she is not looking as great as she can.
Leo and Zac. That is pretty random. Of course they went together so the random part of it was taken away by them, but you get the point.

Maybe They Needed Money For Christmas Shopping

According to that blogger who talks about himself in the third person a lot, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt eloped to Mexico and got married. I can only think of one reason for a quickie wedding and I think we all know it is not because Spencer managed to get an erection and get Heidi pregnant. Nope. I think someone was whispering in their ear about maybe doing a new version of Newlyweds and in order to do that you actually have to be married.

There is no way on this earth that Heidi was going to give up the marriage of her dreams with everything paid for by every company known to man, to go elope in Mexico. Sure, they will make a couple of bucks selling their own photos. I can see Spencer holding the camera and telling everyone to pose while his mind calculates how much each pose will bring.

If this were some traditional, I love you kind of I'm going to be with you forever kind of marriage this would have been planned more than a White House State dinner. For months on end we would have been given the low down on every tiny detail of the wedding as Heidi and Spencer found something new to sell to US Weekly each week.

I'm actually really surprised that considering the amount of money US Weekly has given to the annoying couple that they didn't break this story first. I thought they had some contract that ran into eternity or at least until Spencer actually lusted after Heidi, whichever came first.

Anyway, I'm sure the happy couple will last until whatever paycheck is keeping them together runs out.

Daily Mirror Blind Item

Which celebrity has been hiding her raging booze problem by slipping vodka into coffee cups and glasses of water?

It's About Damn Time

Took them long enough but No Doubt goes into the studio next week to start work on their first album together in about seven years. Cannot believe it has been that long, but it has. They also announced they were going to tour again beginning next summer. What they didn't announce but what has been buzzing around like a fly is that their first show actually might be at Coachella in April. That's right. A reunited No Doubt on the same bill with a reunited Smiths. Umm, that seems like a fairly fun weekend.

To make this whole tour a family affair, Gwen should be nice and hook up Gavin Rossdale with an opening slot. Wouldn't he just love opening for No Doubt for the next 18 months. What he should do is get back together with Bush and actually make some really good music.

Speaking of music, allegedly at some point this afternoon going to have a report from the American Music Awards last night. I know it is being written as we speak, so hopefully it will have some snark in it, because it was a pretty boring show.

Didn't Even Know It Was Coming

I know most of you don't care, but it is my blog and I'm fascinated with the whole Jodie Sweetin thing. I don't know if it was because she was this sweet little girl on television who is trying to redeem herself after her meth addiction or what, but I just find her life fascinating. Apparently one thing Jodie fails to do well though is communicate. Her soon to be ex-husband says he had no idea Jodie was even thinking of leaving or that she was unhappy. Now, in my book that means he is either lying or that she found someone else. If everything is going great, people don't just generally get up and walk away. Now, I did say that it could be because she found someone else. If he was cheating on her then that would go back to the lying thing. I can't really see why he would want someone else considering that I think he lives off her earnings whatever they actually are.

Jodie is living at home with her parents so whatever earnings she does have must not stretch far enough to get her own place. She isn't asking for sole custody so that would lead me to believe that her soon to be ex didn't ever do anything truly horrible.

Of course it could be something simple. In his statement, Cody Herpin said he felt discombobulated" about the whole thing. Maybe neither he or Jodie really knows what the word means and this is all a big misunderstanding. Cody also says he has no idea what is going on and that no one has talked to him, just that Jodie was gone one day.

Steven Seagal Lawman

Cute headline right? That's apparently the name of the new reality show that A&E is going to run with Steven Segal, as hey, you guessed it, a lawman. Seems that for the past 20 years while we thought Steve's career had gone down the tank he was actually spending time as a deputy sheriff down in Louisiana. During that time he has gone out on patrol and of course has trained all the men and women who make up the Jefferson Parish police force in hand to hand combat and also weapons training. Of course after every class, he hands out autographed copies of Under Seige 2.

The premise of the series is that the cameras will follow Steven as he fights crime. The only crime I'm concerned about is some of his most recent films. He should be arrested for releasing some of that garbage. I guess A&E feels that the Dog might be done so you might as well have some older, bloated guy to follow around one night a week. I don't think there is any truth to the rumor that Steven wears his own custom made all black uniform and has everyone at work call him Sensei.

Poppers For Sex?

In a piece that I actually do believe, The News Of The World claims that Gordon Ramsay is having an affair with a woman and has done so for the past seven years. Not continuously, because she had a break for a few years where she was having an affair with a different man, but for the most part it has been going on.

I don't have time to go into all the details, but you can read the entire story here along with what looks like thousands of comments. Apparently this is a big deal in the UK. Must have something to do with Gordon and his family image and his vow of fidelity and how he would never cheat on his wife. I guess when he makes a big deal of the quality time he has with his wife, it is quality time with her. The problem is he was having quality time with someone else at the same time.

What shocked me the most I guess is that Gordon likes poppers aka amyl nitrate when he has sex because he enjoys it more. Umm, I thought the sex was supposed to be amazing when you were having an affair. Do you really need an extra rush when you are seeing someone once or twice a week for an hour? The other woman is Sarah Symonds who has had affairs with famous men in the past and was even on Oprah talking about it. Guess she will be headed back there soon.

Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaake Found Someone Else

In some of the fanciest crafting of words I have seen out to paper, The News Of The World makes it seem as if they had an exclusive with Amy Winehouse. Hell, even the NY Post says they do. They don't. What they have is a source who told the News Of The World what Amy told them. It doesn't mean it isn't true of course, but it also isn't an interview with Amy Winehouse.

It really is a fun read though and if half of it is true then, basically it is what we already knew. Blake and Amy had sex all the time. They hired hookers so they could have threesomes. They did S&M and other bondage games and also apparently activities which are not suitable to discuss in a newspaper. OK, first of all, you just said they hired hookers and had threesomes and did bondage, so I think your readers who got that far could handle some more information. Of course the way the interview is done, whoever the source is, was the one who said it was too gross for a newspaper. Uh huh.

The other crazy thing about all of this is that German model who I guess is nuts for Blaaaake. Has she seen Blaaake? I'm not sure why Blake would give up mooching off his millionaire wife who could die any day for a German model who actually finds him attractive but has no money. I don't see Blaaake ever divorcing Amy. She might try and leave him and then she will end up marrying some guy the day after she gets divorced.

It really is fun to read though.

"There Was A Previous Relationship"

Yesterday there was a shooting over at Scientology's Celebrity Center. Of course they like to spell it Centre because they just have to be different. Kind of like that whole Kate and Katie thing. Apparently a guy got out of his care with two large samurai swords, and started waving them at the security guards. He got too close so they killed him. The same thing probably would have happened in that Tom Cruise film if they had guns back then. It would have saved us two hours of watching bad acting and he got killed in the end anyway. Didn't he? Maybe it was just the Japanese guy.

Anyway, my problem is not with the security guard for his actions. There was video of the encounter from a million angles and if a guy is waving around samurai swords at your head from five feet away and approaching I doubt you are going to try and talk to him. My problem is with what the Church did to the guy or didn't do to the guy with the swords.

The answers I was hearing yesterday were answers that investigators regurgitated faster than a mama bird to a baby.

"He had a history with the Church, but is not a member now."

"He was involved with the Church a long time ago."

"There was a previous relationship, but it is unclear to what degree."

Sounds to me like when the investigators were investigating they talked to some spokesperson for the Church and this is what they told them. Meanwhile, I bet the Church staff were hard at work poring through all of the records pertaining to the guy and what he knew and what he had done and his auditing sessions and everything else. The answers given to investigators are so vague as to be insulting. Obviously this guy had a grudge. If it was so long ago, then why he is still carrying a grudge? Something must have happened. Did he lose his family? Couldn't afford the monthly payments? You don't just walk away from a Church, wait a long time and then decide to storm the guardhouse. Something is going on here and the Church and the police better not just stick to this crap script they played with yesterday. I want to see who or what was the reason the guy went over the edge. Maybe no one pushed him, but I would like to see his entire Church history before coming to that conclusion.

NY Daily News Blind Item

Which publicity-loving socialite has a set of parents-in-law who can't keep up with their bills? The upper East Side couple keep moving from apartment to apartment to avoid paying their obligations, including more than $30,000 in medical bills. One posh Park Avenue doctor has even hired a private investigator to track down the pair's current residence to get them to pay up. Their daughter-in-law still thinks they're flush with cash and, even though she doesn't have any income of her own, continues to spend, spend, spend.