Friday, February 13, 2009

Gwyneth Is Full Of Gwyneth


Besides the joy I get from reading Kim Kardashian's blog, I would have to say that Gwyneth Paltrow's website is fast moving into the lead from the sheer amount of self righteous unbelievable crap she spews forth on an almost constant basis. What did she do this time you may be asking?

Well, Gwyneth has decided to share with the world her secret for the perfect Valentine's Day dinner. Now, you and I both know that the odds of Gwyneth eating any of this stuff she say she prepared and ate is a bunch of crap. Everything on the menu are things she says she either doesn't eat or has specifically stated she hates.

Now, in order to get your partner in the mood, Gwyneth suggest starting with oysters because of their known aphrodisiac qualities. OK, now I don't know if she has ever said yay or nay to seafood in the past, but I do know that if she were trying to get me to have sex with her, she is going to need something a whole lot stronger than oysters and I am going to need to see some cash.

For her main course, Gwyneth says that she loves Cornish hens and artichoke hearts. Uh huh. I would actually believe the artichoke part but if she is eating them she must not have prepared them herself. There is no way she spent the time in the kitchen necessary to cook artichokes. What she did was probably hire someone to do it and every few minutes she would come in and ask how come they were not finished. Cornish game hen? Right. You let me know when Gwyneth sits down and eats some chicken

But the very best part. What does Gwyneth suggest for dessert? And remember she says that she prepared and ate everything on the menu. She suggests molten chocolate cakes. Umm. Gwyneth. You are on record as saying you hate chocolate so forgive me if this doesn't sound as bad as you getting to come back for Iron Man 2.

26 comments:

AnnMarie said...

She probably meant that she only likes HER chocolate. The way SHE prepares it. With HER own alabaster hands.

Reese said...

Gwenyth was on the PBS show "On The Road: Spain" where she and two male chefs (Mark BIttman from the NYT "Minimalist" food column, and the guy who does the Iron Chef show on TV) and a Spanish actress essentially spent a few months driving around Spain eating any and everything they could get their hands on. A lot of what they ate was pretty scary stuff (weird seafood and animal parts not typical in the American diet). She might have rushed back to the hotel and regurgitated it all, but for the cameras she couldn't get the stuff in her mouth fast enough. Her Valentine's menu seems really tame in comparison to what she ate on the show.

lutefisk said...

whatever happened to her raw food only diet?

jax said...

oh Enty you must watch the Oprah circle jerk from yesterday then.
it was all Gwynnie for an hour.
the only saving grace was Mario Batalli and his damn crocs.

not on my dollar said...

I wish that this was printed yesterday because I could have sworn she told Oprah that she didn't eat anything with feet.

Does anybody else remember how she defined her exclusion of meat?

yellow said...

Artichoke hearts are good for menopausal women. She is so thin she has the hormonal balance of an menopausal woman, and that helps regulate that.

amster said...

She needs an aphrodisiac to get Chris in the mood, or herself in the mood or both. I didn't think you needed that till you were 50 or something. Anyway this menu just does not sound like our Gwynnie. For one, I would be really surprised if she even knows how to use an oven.

Nature Girl said...

From what I remember (too much!):

G was vegetarian macrobiotic - never raw - before kids, and loosened up after getting pregnant.

Since then, she also eats dairy, seafood and, on occasion, poultry.

Why can't I remember things that matter?

jax said...

Not on my dollar- she said that she doesn't eat four legged animals that organic birds and fish were ok.
But she eats EVERYTHING else.
snort!

bionic bunny! said...

i thought in reading about the tour with mario batali that he ate all the dishes but gwoopeth only ate (a lot of) the vegetarian dishes.

and yeah, i've heard repeatedly that she hates chocolate, too. stupid bunt.

mmmm. molten chocolate cake. had that several times on the cruise. oh, i'm hating my diet!!!!!!

Reese said...

Bionic Bunny: Noooo, Gwenyie ate all sorts of scary stuff; not sure if she consumed a single vegetable on the entire series (I don't think any of them ate anything that hadn't been up running around/swimming at some point in its lifespan).

I'm a vegetarian (and a very picky one) and I don't think there was a single dish on the entire series I would have gone near. Gwenyie gobbled it all up and swooned.

How/why anyone would ever take her seriously is beyond me.

not on my dollar said...

Thanks jax I knew she told some tale about the legs on animals.

ihpguy said...

Her salad dressing recipe and ideas for roasting the turkey, stuffing as well from Thanksgiving were really, really good. I have to say.

captivagrl said...

she doesn't eat animals, birds, or seafood unless she knows they have had a good life. WTF? watched her spout that on pbs(that traveling through spain crap show with fugly)


annoying lies.

captivagrl said...

"stupid,uneducated,poor americans, they'll embrace any diet i suggest"

me,me,me.....i'm very important you know, i have an oscar

ihpguy said...

Come on...Get off the girl's back. If Oprah was spouting this stuff, everyone would take as the word of God, once removed. Her whole communitarian, New Age take on life is just another way to look at things. Take what you like and forget the rest. Give her props for even bothering with her site. It's not as if she is doing it for the ad bucks. I loved the picaresque tone of the whole tour-through-Spain PBS series.

Jenna Zine said...

Chris is in Japan with Coldplay. I wonder who she's making all that food for....

Mooshki said...

I just read my GOOP email. "Mallorcan hibiscus salt?" Give me a break!

Lisa said...

I TOLD you guys LAST WEEK I saw that bitch eat chocolate before!!

AlexB said...

EL, I love you and your blog, and you are a brother (or sister?) at the bar, but I think you may be twisting the dial a bit tight on GP. My respect and enjoyment of your work derives from your ability walk a fine line between empathy and exploitation. I'm a little worried you've lost your way on this one.

Jamie said...

I thought she was vegan?

Saffron said...

Gwynnie certainly is privileged and she certainly does not live in this world - if you know what I mean ;-)

Having said this, her Valentines dinner menu is very elegant and nice and I will try it soon!

I do feel sorry for her being married to such an unattractive man. He has zero sex appeal. Have you ever see him dance? OMG, he resembles Elaine on Seinfeld with his dance steps!!

ureallyannoyme said...

Gwynnie can shove her noblesse oblige up her cleansed arse.

Ayesha said...

You know what it is that bothers me? Okay. Maybe she really does have something that she wants to share with everyone. But it's the TONE she uses. For instance, if someone says "Oh, ayesha, I have to tell you about this new XXX I found at the health food store. As soon as I tried it, I thought of you. It's going to blow your mind. Here, try some and tell me what you think!" I'll be interested enough to listen with an open mind. But if someone is all "This XXX is the only kind to use. It's superior to all other XXXs because it's distilled in Provence by gypsies at dawn. You're still using THAT brand? That stuff is so cheap."

No thank you.

Ayesha said...

You know what it is that bothers me? Okay. Maybe she really does have something that she wants to share with everyone. But it's the TONE she uses. For instance, if someone says "Oh, ayesha, I have to tell you about this new XXX I found at the health food store. As soon as I tried it, I thought of you. It's going to blow your mind. Here, try some and tell me what you think!" I'll be interested enough to listen with an open mind. But if someone is all "This XXX is the only kind to use. It's superior to all other XXXs because it's distilled in Provence by gypsies at dawn. You're still using THAT brand? That stuff is so cheap."

No thank you.

hikerhead said...

no argument she is really annoying, with a serious odor of superiority. She also seems just plain weird...like from outerspace on her show with Batali. It's how sad she looks that makes me leery of piling on...