Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Jessica Biel Makes Me Laugh And Laugh And Laugh


Apparently Jessica Biel is the hotness. I know, I know. And do you know how I know? She told me. Well, she didn't actually tell me personally. No, she actually decided to tell the world. In an interview this month for Allure Magazine whatever reporter had the assignment asked Jessica if her good looks are hurting her career.

Now, I'm not sure what the appropriate response to that question is, but I do know it isn't the one that makes you look like a self centered every ten second mirror watcher.
"Yeah, it really is a problem. I have to be blunt." Well, I have to be blunt also Jessica. First of all you are not that great looking. There are sooo many people better looking than you. You are not ugly, but you are not drop dead, give away all my money and get four jobs to be with you gorgeous. Second of all, it has less to do with your looks and more to do with a little something called acting. Say it with me. It is what you are supposed to be doing when the director says action and that thing called a camera starts whirring. You don't do it very well. I'm sure you think you do it well, but the sad fact is, you don't.

Jessica disagrees with my assessment of course. Hell, she probably thinks she should have won countless awards by now instead of having movie after movie go straight to DVD or bombing in the theatre.

"I'm in there with everybody else, fighting for the good parts. Yes, The Illusionist has made a difference -- but a huge, massive difference, so I can pick and choose what I want? No. I just want an opportunity. If you don't like the audition, don't hire me! But if you don't want to even see me -- that's hurtful. And why? You know nothing about me!"

The Illusionist made a difference? Well after Powder Blue and whatever that disaster you filmed with Jake G gets thrown in the trash you can kiss that imaginary help goodbye. The thing is Jessica, everyone wants an audition. The only reason you get any is because of your perceived good looks and your celebrity status. You caught a lucky break getting hired for a long running television series and as a result got some exposure. There are thousands of better actresses out there than you and they want the same roles as you. They want to be seen also. Instead though, the casting director is forced to spend time with you because you have good agents and management and so if they say no, the other clients of that agent and manager who they really do want will always say no. So, they spend time with you and they say, "oh you are so good, but just too beautiful for this role?" Please. Get a life. Oh, which incidentally sounds like she won't ever be marrying Justin Timberlake. "I have no idea if I want to get married. I have a lot to do careerwise." It's good to have goals.

40 comments:

Priscila said...

Oh my God!!

I am laughing so hard here!!!!

I moved to Germany last August, still fighting to learn this bloooooody language, started to loook for part time jobs here, so i just got back home, after having one of the worst job interviews, and even worse, for a suck real time job, and then i read this post!!

all i can say it is that i suffer the same problem as she...i am unenployed because i am too beautifull..not because my german is not perfect..it is my good looks....
i FEEL your pain, Jessica!!

but go on, stop exercising, make a bad plastic surgery, and maybe, who knows...

whole lotto luv said...

The Illusionist was the first (and only) thing I ever saw her in, and not only was her acting subpar, but I wondered why anyone thought she was attractive at all. I think she's less than plain. Her mouth/teeth are huge. How did she ever get the good agents and management?

Anonymous said...

Is her head still swollen?

I can say she is pretty but like you said Enty not drop dead gorgeous. Probably some of Gay Timberlake rubbed on to her. Two swollen heads no wonder they are still together lol.

.robert said...

@Priscila

What is wrong with having to use der, die, das, den dem or des?

Alice D Millionaire said...

There are probably lots of good answers to that question but one would be “That is ridiculous. There are plenty of beautiful actresses who are also exceptional actresses and they get great roles. But there is a lot of competition out there and that can make it difficult to get auditions.” It is not that hard to come up with something that is humble but also does not require putting yourself down.
As annoying as it is to say that her beauty holds her back (B*&CH PLEASE) it is even more irritating say it is “hurtful”. Directors and producers don’t care about your feelings…this is show business…they care about making money and you don’t cut it.

Carrie L. said...

Well put, Enty. I read that this morning and almost spit up my Diet Mt. Dew from laughing so hard. You know, she's part of a union...can't she file some sort of discrimination claim or something?

Pathetic.

slappywhyte said...

I have the same prob. I'm so ruggedly handsome that women can't even look me in the eye. So it kind of hurts in HR job interviews.

Alice D Millionaire said...

Enty I also LOVE the photo you chose to go with this story.

Alice D Millionaire said...

slappywyte can you blame them? Your colleagues need to get work done...how can they do that when they are admiring your extreme good looks. Management can allow those sorts of distractions! ;)

Karmen said...

She needs a healthy dose of "get-over-yourself". It seems Hollywood only casts average-looking people when the role requires it, or if the actor is outstanding. More often than not, the role generally goes to the more attractive, semi-talented actor or actress with fame. People are willing to put up with shitty acting (or performances in general), if the person is attractive. Cold hard truth.

devildana said...

she would look good holding my douche bag..her and JT got the kink going on...you know that she loves anal and I mean giving not receiving

Pookie said...

teehee! how long till her pr peeps spin her comments and claim she's being "misunderstood"?

mooshki said...

Somewhere right this minute Charlize Theron is rolling on the floor laughing her ass off. Or ROFLMAO for you young'uns.

jax said...

that face ain't misunderstood!
she looka lika man....man.

Priscila said...

robert...

Hmm...having to wait the end of the sentences to understand wha people are talking about...those awfull trennbare verben!!

the amazing fun that is to learn the deklination der adjektives und nomen...

the incredible wortstellung

the wonder that is the mixture of prapositionen und erganzung

the joy of passive formen..

usw

Well, i am glad is not finnish or russian....

childeroland said...

A lot of actresses get by on just their looks and little to no acting talent. That she's really not getting auditions seems difficult to believe. There must be more to it.

MISCH said...

I READ THIS AND ROARED....SHE IS SO...SO...ANDROGYNOUS

Priscila said...

Leave the beautifull People alone! Haters!

Jessica deserves a chance, spite her good looks

and of course, she is a liberated woman, Justin must understand that and wait untill she is prepared to marry him...

Katy said...

wasn't there a blind item that was almost verbatim the last paragraph?

lmnop123 said...

Well maybe she's comparing herself to Justin.

He is considered an "actor" but isn't. She probably thinks she's also entitled just like he does.

I heard he along with many other veteran actors are vying for the part of Sinatra.

So, no wonder she believes in entitlement.

Not that either of them are worthy of MY money.

Ha!

ItsJustMe said...

You know what's "hurtful"? The fact that she has more money that the average joe schmoe ever will for being mediocre.

Unknown said...

You know, that's why I'm self-employed... I'm just so beautiful, no-one would hire me...

Anonymous said...

Enty, this is classic - thanks for making my day. I read this quote yesterday in EW and could not stop laughing - she is out of her FREAKING mind!

ardleighstreet said...

JT as the Chairman of the Board no frickin' way.

As for JB --Let me hold my sides from laughing. Maybe she doesn't get roles because a mannequin could act better. Heck they have in the OLD NAVY commercials. You don't get roles because you're too pretty? Please you're reality check is LONG overdue!

califblondy said...

No "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful" woman would ever walk the streets looking like that! I hope she was just leaving the hospital after getting checked out for swine flu.

Maja With a J said...

I feel your pain, Jessica. I, too, am so devastatingly beautiful that no one will give me the time of day. So what do I do? I spend a lot of time admiring my own reflection in the mirror. Like, A LOT. Sometimes I flex a little. Sometimes I just sit there, staring at myself, not quite sure how it is possible for a human being to be so pretty. And why people treat me like I have no talent or like I'm vain or self-absorbed, when the fact is that I am Just Too Beautiful.

She does have a hot body though. A bit muscular maybe, but I prefer that to the anorexic majority in Hollywood right now.

Kat said...

@Mooshki--You hit it right on the head. Theron, Cruz, Jolie, Kidman...all fairly solid in the looks department and all of them have been nominated for Oscars and regularly receive meaty roles. If beauty were an issue, all the coveted actresses would look like...well, Biel.

Anonymous said...

LOL@comments

lutefisk said...

Wow, that will be my new favorite excuse, because like Jessica Biel, Slappywhite, Harriet Hellfire, Jewels, & the rest, I too, am just
too beautiful to function.

There, I said it.

mooshki said...

"Maybe she doesn't get roles because a mannequin could act better. Heck they have in the OLD NAVY commercials."

SO TRUE!

nancer said...

what she calls acting, i call looking like you just got hit over the head with a large board. she just looks kind of stunned and dull to me. i loved 'the illusionist' but i barely remember her in it.
wasn't she dead for most of it?

jax said...

HAHAHAH MK's title made me laugh my ass off.

"Dude, please"

spot, on.

Ms Cool said...

*sigh*

I have the same damn problem.

Charlie said...

Every month I read my Allure and giggle. Sounds like the Biel interview will top the one they ran recently with Eva Mendes who alternated between making comments about her own sexiness and wondering aloud why she wasn't taken as seriously as an actress as she felt she was inside. Yeah, right. I wish all these chicks would get over themselves and maybe a decent movie would get made once in a while. With the right hair and makeup, any girl on the street would look just as good as Biel.

B626 said...

Note to Jessica Biel:
Justin Timberlake isn't going to marry
a-n-y-b-o-d-y.

In another related note I've got 5 bucks down for Adam Lambert singing something from the Freddie Mercury library tonite or Wednesday nite.

stiffkittens said...

If she wanted to be taken seriously, the mutt wouldn't slut it up in every magazine she is featured in.

Also LOL at her trying to be Jolie (poses and all):
http://community.livejournal.com/ru_glamour/2538077.html

Yes, i looked for her photos on google...I will bleach my mind later. I just wanted proof that the hypocrite has been messing with her face (and thus has no reason to tell casting directors to "excuse my beauty").
It looks like she has destroyed her top lip's natural outline (lips get smaller with age, not bigger), and also had work on her nose (among other things):
http://thebuzz.sheknows.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/03/jessica-biel-without-makeup.jpg

http://celebrity-pics.movieeye.com/celebrity_pictures/Jessica_Biel_27814.jpg

http://www.hkb.org.uk/collages/j/jessicabiel/JessicaBiel_7thHeaven420_hkb1.jpg

http://www.hkb.org.uk/collages/j/jessicabiel/JessicaBiel_7thHeaven504_hkb2.jpg

http://www.hkb.org.uk/collages/j/jessicabiel/JessicaBiel_7thHeaven412_hkb5.jpg

Screen caps of 7th Heaven here, if you want to have a laugh at her obviously oscar deserving acting talent *snort*:
http://www.hkb.org.uk/jbiel2.asp

Jade, That Girl said...

Agree with AnonMom.

It's sad that there are regular people like us who bust our asses off and make a fifth of what she makes to do her job mediocre. She lacks contribution to society.

Oh wait, no...her contribution is brightening a lack luster day in the office with saying crap like this.

As soon as I saw the headline on yahoo, I died in excitement since I knew Enty would have a good time with this one.

monalisa999 said...

Sounds as if she might have opted for the silicone injections in her ego. I love that photo, though. I just which I could find a corduroy jacket in the same color.

You know, really. I just think she needs to grow up a little and take some classical acting technique and do theatre. With a little work, I bet she could do some wonderful Shakespeare.

Linnea said...

My favorite part of the interview? Where she says
"You know nothing about me!"

You know what? They do. They have probably seen you in stuff, and you were horrible.

shakey said...

monalisa, I do agree with you - she needs to learn her craft. Whether she puts down the mirror long enough to learn her lines and focus is up to her.

Love everyone's comments, btw.

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