As I do every week I read Gwyneth Paltrow's GOOP site to see if I could find any of her pearls of wisdom to share with all of you. When I got to the newsletter portion all I saw was one sentence from Gwyneth and some recipes and the note that GOOP was going on vacation until September. Seriously? What am I going to do for the next three weeks without the site? Who is going to give me something to write about when no one has been arrested or made an ass of themselves?
Taking a three week vacation shortly after you have started a site doesn't seem like the best way to have someone take you seriously. It isn't like the people over at GOOP are working 24/7 to bring us that thing. Granted if any of them have to deal with Gwyneth on a daily basis they have probably been ready for a vacation since day one.
All I can hope for is that when Gwyneth comes back she can give us great tips like she did back in April when she said using shampoo causes cancer. Now I guess I know why her hair has that greasy look to it. Where else am I going to learn how to cook a chicken or see what people have wronged her over the last several years?
I can only hope that when she comes back she will have lots of new ideas to share with all of us like the body oil she slathers over herself after every bath. Homemade, but not by her. What is in it? Extra virgin coconut oil which she buys for just $500 a bottle. What? You mean you don't have any at your house? Nothing like going to bed smelling like a Mounds candy bar.
One of her tips that left me nearly blind was her three stage body scrub. First you clean your pores with Turbinado sugar and only Turbinado sugar. Nothing else will do. It is also the most expensive. Then you rub yourself down with some olive oil and top it all off by scrubbing ground coffee into your skin. What she doesn't say is not to touch your eyes during any of this process. There I am a fat, sticky tiramisu going blind. Not fun.
I had not energy left to rub it all off with a honey and oatmeal mix and then clean myself off with aloe. The sad thing is she probably does this every night. I hope she has plastic sheets.