Excuse me for a second. I realize now that I'm typing and so you have no idea that I can't stop coughing from laughing so hard. I could write this blog for the next 20 years and I don't think that I will ever find an article so clearly written or dictated by a publicist than this one from OK! Magazine. Actually it could have been written by a Tom Cruise publicist so I guess I shouldn't put the blame entirely on Katie's people or person.
The headline says, “Katie Tells Tom To Slim Down With Sex”
My first reaction when I read it was to ask who is Kate telling Tom to have sex with. Seriously because I have never imagined them having sex and I would actually be shocked if you told me they did.
With a headline like that how could I resist the article where I found out that “Katie is in incredible shape,” says a source. “She is constantly watching what she eats and she works out every day. But Tom had been complaining about how hard it is at 47 to keep off the pounds, so Katie vowed to help him out.”
Honestly, that part is believable and if they had kept it there I would have called bullshit that they talked to anyone who knew, but at least it was believable crap.
“Katie loves to cook – and she especially enjoys baking sweet treats,” reveals the insider. “And Tom’s favorite things are her homemade chocolate chip cookies, fudge brownies, and her famous chocolate covered popcorn. Those are the things Tom can’t resist, so he’s pleaded with Katie not to make them until he has time to lose a little weight. Katie wants to help him out, so she agreed.”
See, this shows Katie as the perfect little homemaker who cooks for her man and bakes and is willing to help him out when he needs it. Who knew that Katie was famous for her chocolate covered popcorn. I bet it's amazing.
“She also has him eating fewer carbs and more lean protein. So instead of filling his plate with lots of pasta and red meat, she’s ordered him to load up on autumn vegetables like squash and sweet potatoes, as well as chicken and fish.”
How remarkable that autumn has been with us for just two weeks and already Katie has him loading up on autumn vegetables. That is a timely coincidence. What if they had spoken to this source three weeks ago? Would they have said that Katie was ordering Tom to enjoy the last remnants of summer's goodness? No, of course not because Tom just started this diet now because he overloaded on her brownies at Labor Day.
Here is the part to make you hurl and laugh at the same time. It is a complicated procedure so if you don't think you can comfortably manage the feat, then please do not read any further.
“Katie read somewhere that you burn up 600 calories just by having sex three to four times a week,” the source reveals. “So she’s told Tom to think about how much they’d burn up if they put daily sex sessions on their schedule!
“Tom thinks the sex order is the best part of Katie’s diet plan, and he’s promised to up the bedroom romps whenever they are in the same town… just for the sake of his diet!” dishes the insider.
So not only does Katie cook and take care of her man she is the one who initiates sex and wants it all the time. And to think people will actually pay to read this. Well, not many people because lets face it, OK! is really in the tank and it is probably because of absolute crap like this. I would rather read true stories about D listers than to have to see made up crap like this.