Darlings, we were going to give you a New Moon Vice update, but for all of you who are so sick of vampires you could cry blood, we'll reward you by bringing back an oldie but yummy goodie.
Remember Crotch Uh-Lastic, the hunky, rising male star who would hire men to come back to his Hills pad, dress up in some swim trunks and get the naughty party started?
We can't believe it's almost been two years, but Crotch has officially risen, like a hunky hero out of burning celeb-saturated waters! Mr. Uh-Lastic has solidified himself as a respected Hollywood actor, which means it's time to be even more discreet 'bout his homolicious ways…
See, Crotch would love to go out, hit up the gay scene and bring himself back a cutie. But as the fagola Hollywood story goes, he so cannot out himself.
Not because he cares about being famous. No, Toothy Tile Crotch is not. Instead, CUL is more concerned how his sexuality would hinder the roles he gets, 'cause he's now being taken oh so seriously. He loves acting—not the ritzy lifestyle that comes with it. He doesn't even care that much about hurting his beard (if Toothy outted himself, it would be very damning to the both of them, in many, many ways).
So what's a horny, dude-loving guy to do?
Sic his assistant on the unknowing gay population of Los Angles, natch. Only problem is the de-lish men in West Hollywood are totally starting to catch on—and they're blabbin' about it, too! Halle-homo-lujah!
Mr. Lastic's assistant frequents the standard WeHo gay bars, successfully luring back men for his famous master. Too funny: It's also the exact same dude-fishing MO Furrowed Frank uses when he has his trainer lure future conquests for him at the gym!
Only problem is, if said man isn't interested in hooking up with Crotch on the down-low, the guy has no reason not to spread it around to his gossip-lovin' friends. Seems pretty strange to us, as Mr. U.-L. is as hunky doable as they come.
And as sneaky as Crotch would like to be, more and more people 'round town are starting to hear about what goes down, literally, up in his Hollywood home. And it's not just poolside, folks.
Think any of these guys will out dear old Crotchy soon? Doubtful. With his adorable dimples, more men will jump at the chance to jump CUH and then shut up about it after than won't. But remember, it only takes one.
And It Ain't: Alexander Skarsgård, Matthew Fox, Ryan Phillippe