Friday, February 05, 2010

Ted C Blind Item

Secretia Ohio and Chester Shorts-Off are as horny as they are famous—just don't think they're so hot for each other, that's all. Hmmm. Certainly explains some very tabloid-messy love sitches the two have been caught in, more than once.

But let's back up:

Secretia, an impressively put-together gal of verve, good looks and surprising steeliness, has long gotten it on with tons o' guys, even though the public pretty much doesn't know. And some folks were a bit surprised when she married Chester, an incredibly talented dude who's always so busy keeping his gorgeous face smiling, no one's really stopped to think what a slut he is.

But major STD-alert? Man, is he ever:

Chester sleeps with guys as often as his career provides him with huge-ass checks. This was a little known fact when Chesty and Secretia married, to much public pronouncement. How wonderful the pretty charmer hooked the quieter, chiseled-jaw type. What a celebrity fairy-tale romance everybody thought it would be!

The public couldn't have been more wrong—or uninformed.

The deliciously kinky arrangement Secretia and Chester have is this: She gets to hook up with all the guys she pleases—usually by picking their names out of bowls at classy swingers parties. (Is that sorta like calling an alcoholic who guzzles only Grey Goose a "classy drunk"?) And Chester gets to boink all the boys he wants.

That is their secret arrangement.

And, yes, the couple does—on occasion—have sex the old-fashioned married way (meaning, with each other). But hey, how long is that gonna last, I wonder? 'Cause sooner or later, one of these beautiful couple's myriad outside lovers is gonna blow the whistle. Or worse: Watch one of Secretia or Chester's affairs fall in love with them, and then go hire Gloria Allred and call a press conference because they can't have Ohio or Shorts-Off all to themselves!

Either way, it's a precarious love sitch that's just bound to pop—and how. What else do you expect when you pick your partner like he's a piece of popcorn?

It Ain't: Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller, John Travolta and Kelly Preston, Tiger and Elin Woods

84 comments:

too said...

Will & Jada

RocketQueen said...

Wow. No idea, but I'm throwing Warren Beatty/Annette Bening in the ring.

Lisa (not original) said...

Tom and Katie?

Jingle Belle said...

Scarlett Johansson & what's his face?

Dee said...

Fergie and Josh?

Funny Girl said...

Haha @RocketQueen.

Will and Jada seems to fit.

shakey said...

Ya know ... this would fit Brad & Jennifer if it had said they split.

No clue now. Will and Jada ... hmmm. Will was never quiet, but I'm not sure I'd call Jada a "pretty charmer". To me, that denotes someone cute *and* sweet.

Genesis said...

I thought Tom and Katie too BUT Will Smith is always havin his pants off in movies whenever he can lol

I dont remember the last time cruise was in his underwear but then I dont watch his movies so

RocketQueen said...

lol @ FunnyGirl - I'm perfectly serious!

I'm almost 100% certain that Ted has said Will S. has been a blind before and he doesn't change names for vice subjects, so it can't be them.

Little Miss Smoke and Mirrors said...

Easy... Affleck and Garner.

Little Miss Smoke and Mirrors said...

Oh wait, Katie Holmes is from Ohio, isn't she?

I dunno, still sounds like Garner/Affleck to me.

too said...

Hmm...Ben Affleck isn't usually described as 'incredibly talented' and he's not known for 'keeping his gorgeous face smiling'.
Otherwise it could fit BA and JG.

RocketQueen said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
blog hopper said...

I like the Tom and Katie guess..she's from Ohio-- but is that too obvious? Plus I don't imagine Tom sleeping with a woman, even occasionally.

E.D said...

Demi and Ashton?

Green Wave Gal said...

Scarlett and Ryan guess is interesting...

Moosefan said...

Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick. She is from Ohio. He is the quiet Broadway actor. Always giving the smile.

peabee said...

My first thought was Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds, too.

jax said...

SJP?
tim mcgraw?
beyonce?

no clue just throwing out names.

CZJ and douglas?

FluffyElmo said...

Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban? He fits the quiet chiseled jaw description. Kidman seems prim & proper to the public but who knows behind closed doors?

Babs said...

Jerry Stiller and Anne Meara. Apparently this has been going on for a L-O-N-G time.

Seriously - I got nothin'.

kitty litter said...

keely ripa and mark consuelos

Patty said...

I like the SJP and MB guess.

Alice D Millionaire said...

SJP does not have good looks and MB does not have a georgous face!
Maybe this would work if the blind said that SHE had the chiseled jaw but his face is like dough.

Little Miss Smoke and Mirrors said...

Sarah Jessica is from Ohio. Ding, ding, ding, I think we have a winner.

(except for the description of Broderick which still nags)

Brunnhilde said...

Scarlett J and sulky douchwbag Ryan Reynolds

ms_goddess said...

Babs - LOL!

As I was reading, I was thinking of Scarlett and Ryan. I know he's the Mayor of Douchsachusetts (or maybe Mayor Pro Tem to John Mayer), but he is absolutely gorgeous and his movies crack me up!

Alice D Millionaire said...

I would love it to be Scar and Ry but can he be described as incredibly talented! That seems like a major stretch.

nancer said...

will smith is NOT gorgeous, nor does he have a chiseled jawline. at all. and jada doesn't fit either. 'pretty charmer? i don't think so.

i can't see jennifer garner sleeping around. scarjo? never heard that about her but maybe.

ms_goddess said...

Nancer - Ted says Secretia has been around a few blocks, but the public doesn't know. That's why I could believe it to be ScarJo.

Cecilia00 said...

Throwing a new couples hat into the rig:

Rebecca Gayheart & Eric Dane.

Ted makes it sound liek this couple had some tabloid issues - but not of this variety. That would fit Dane and Gayheart

ms_goddess said...

^^^^^Hmmmm....interesting.

Marina Ortiz said...

Plurge & Beck-on-him?

KMG852 said...

I don't know why but my first thought of Mandy Moore and Ryan Adams. Although calling Ryan Adams attractive is a stretch in my book.

looserdude said...

Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds fit the number of syllables clue. And I had heard that Scarlett was a big slut from a guy in the industry for whatever that's worth.

Mooshki said...

Jada has sex with other women, not other men.

Dschingis said...

For the fun of it:

Jlo and Marc Anthony
Claire Danes and Hugh Dancy
Giselle Bundchen and Tom Brady

looserdude said...

OK, I'm a perv but if it is Scarlett I hope a sex tape surfaces. But I think she's too smart for that to happen.

Cheryl said...

Kelly Ripa and Mark Consuelos.There have always been gay rumors about him and rumors that they swing.

Dschingis said...

Scarlett and some (many) others were regulars at the cannes yacht hopping for meeting the producers. Now that goes on with sienna miller and hayden panettiere.

some things never change.

morganmorgan said...

If it is indeed as I think, Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds-- all I want to know is how I can get my name in that bowl! ;)

Bibi on the road to...... said...

Eva Longoria and her husband would fit the description.

Dschingis said...

@morganmorgan: put on a woody allen mask, you´ll be the vip.

sorry, but i couldn´t resist ;-)

Lioness70 said...

Tom & Katie.

SkittleKitty said...

Much as Tom & Katie and Will & Jada might be appropos, I think Will and Tom have other vice-monikers that Ted has used. That means these two cannot be them, since he states he does not give a subject more than one vice-name.
Scar-Jo and Ryan are interesting ideas...

Anonymous said...

According to theawfultruth NOT Scarjo and Ryan:

@theawfultruth is it Scarlett and Ryan??

@madgeis great guess, but not them!

Valentix said...

I like the Claire Danes guess. She's not at all picky.

lutefisk said...

I like the Scarlett/Ryan guess. They don't seem to have any real affection between the 2 of them.

.robert said...

Brady/B√ľndchen for superbowl weekend.

FSimon33 said...

Sandra Bullock and Jesse James??

bflogurl said...

At first I thought Nicole and Keith, but after reading other guesses, I am totally going with Kelly Ripa and Mark Consuelos...

Tea Lady said...

I was thinking maybe John Krasinski & Emily Blunt but the syllables don't work for her and maybe they aren't famous enough?

altar boy said...

I am really loving the Tom Brady and Giselle guess.

"pick your partner like he's a piece of popcorn" -- what does that mean? i feel like it might be a clue.

Moxie said...

I was thinking Josh and Fergie while I was reading it, but I don't care enough to read the same Ted BI twice to make sure all the clues fit those two. (To be fair to Ted, he seems to have cleaned up his writing a bit, it's not as confusing and cutesy as it used to be.)

RocketQueen said...

@altar boy - I'm thinking that means he's in popcorn flicks?

I thought of Channing Tatum/Jenna whatever, but not sure he's "incredibly talented"

Kingrey said...

I'm on the Scarlett/ Ryan Reynolds train.

Tanzania said...

Giselle and Tom.

Megyn said...

I like the Scarjo/RR guess. I don't think it's SJP/MB because there was that affair he already had, which was definitely with a woman.

Jen said...

Defintely TomKAt she's from Ohio and always had that good girl image

Famewhore said...

i like the scar jo/rr guess also.
is it weird my first thought was channing tatum and jenna dewan? ehh time will tell

Cecilia00 said...

Mark Consuelos as an "incredibly talented dude" just doesn't fit for me.

kitty litter said...

check out mark consuelos wiki.

Anonymous said...

"quieter, chiseled-jaw type" not really how I'd describe R squared

sunnyside1213 said...

Ted has taken SacrJo and Ryan off the table. So, I am back to my second guess Katie and Tommy Boy.

Christina Penn said...

I think it's Kelly Ripa and Mark Consuelos and here's why:

Secretia is:

impressively put-together gal of verve, good looks and surprising steeliness;

pretty charmer


That all describes, or could describe Kelly Ripa. I wouldn't use the term verve to describe ScarJo.

Chester is:

an incredibly talented dude who's always so busy keeping his gorgeous face smiling;

the quieter, chiseled-jaw type.


I don't know about talented, but when I picture Mark, I think of his chiseled face with a brilliant smile on it. And he does strike me as the quiet type, which Ryan Reynolds doesn't. Plus I've always gotten a gay vibe from him.

Finally, the clues about their relationship are telling.

[S]ome folks were a bit surprised when she married Chester;

What a celebrity fairy-tale romance everybody thought it would be!


Maybe allusions to their elopement.

Plus all the "It Ain't" couples are parents of multiple children, which RR and ScarJo are not.

I do have reservations about this guess though, since I can't imagine Mark Consuelos' career provides him with many "huge-ass checks" the way Ryan Reynolds' does. And RR is talented, very chiseled, and great looking.

Sarah said...

Please let it be Ryan and ScaryJo.

Sis Cesspool said...

Please. KR and MC are not on that level of the "Aints." Although they seem kind of desperate enough to pull this shit to get them there.

Anonymous said...

I would go for Ryan except he doesn't have huge paychecks. He's still a relatively new 'leading man'. It also wouldn't be a surprise for Scarlett to land a chiseled jaw looker.


However, the kicker for me - Alanis Morisette would no way, no how beard for anybody for any length of time.

ChasingHeaven said...

Thinking way outside the box, Khloe Kardashian & Lamar Odom. It's interesting their actual careers aren't mentioned which could be because it would give it away to easily.

ChasingHeaven said...

They fit the syllables. Also, Kelly Preston was on a reality show like Khloe. Tiger Woods and Lamar are both star athletes. I don't know how Charlie and Brooke could relate though. Hmmm...

ChasingHeaven said...

Both Charlie and Khloe have been arrested?

Jesus said...

Since when has Ryan Reynolds been a doush. He strikes me as a nice, moderately witty guy. I mean, just LOOK at him.

Katja said...

I like Josh Brolin and Diane Lane for the fairy tale...

Anonymous said...

None of these guesses are really "big" enough - the wedding/marriage was highly publicized, both are good looking, both are successfully fooling the public. Kelly Ripa? No way. We have to think bigger than that. Scar Jo? Their marriage was very private and small and woodsy and not highly publicized. Tom and Katie seem to fit, except for the question about the blind vice names...

Amanda said...

I think it is Julia Roberts and Danny Moder-
there are too many words in the blind that reference the films Roberts has been in - 'Steely', 'pretty charmer hooked' 'fairy tale romance'

Also references to messy tabloid love stories (the drama with Vera), people surprised when she married him, he works on a lot of projects so he gets a lot of paychecks, chisled jaw, they occasionally have sex the old fashioned way, etc.

Anonymous said...

Kevin jonas and danielle??

B626 said...

Fergie and Josh
Enquirer story planted to
pump up how
'hereto' he is.

Anonymous said...

I like the Katie and Tom guess. Of course, I don't really consider him attractive, but the wedding was high profile and surprising. And the old-fashioned sex could be for getting her preggers..

Kimberly said...

Posh & Becks...

Henriette said...

Julia Roberts is a well-known slut and don't think she has ever hidden that. I just don't think Danny Morader (sp) is gay, but he is quiet and low-key. Julia has been making the rounds in PR for her new movie and has been outright bitchy. Though, Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck are a good guess too.

Deanna said...

I definitely think Victoria and David.

Sausage Snappers said...

Totally Demi/Ashton

Saz said...

Not Katie and Tom. Tom is a hardcore Scientologist, and in his "religion" there is no such thing as homosexuality. Tom has suppressed his inner diva to the point of asexuality. Not to say he doesn't slip up on occasion, but I don't think he would sleep with a multitude of other men because of his beliefs. And if Katie were having so much fun, she'd look a lot more alive and less robotic.

blankprincess said...

Glad to see the few people down here toward the end who have said Posh and Becks, the only ones who came to mind for me. It's TOTALLY them--everything fits.