Thursday, April 22, 2010

The Gooper Gives Us A Chinese Cleanse


Not content with a regular cleanse, this week, The Gooper really gets spiritual in her newsletter and gives us a Chinese cleanse to help with our allergies. Oh, and if you don't want to do a cleanse to rid yourself of allergies you can follow this brilliant tip. "Try getting up just before dawn, when the black night sky slowly turns to blue. The sun rises in the East, and the blue color of dawn opens to our eyes and we experience the new day."

Oh, well sure, why didn't I think of that? Instead of reaching for the Benadryl, I will just wake up before dawn and the looking at the sky will make everything better.

If you want to cleanse for the 50th time this year, then here is her yeast free allergy cleanse which will shed all that winter weight. You know, like the one bite of a cookie you allowed yourself or couldn't spit out gracefully. Seriously, all this woman does is cleanse.

42 comments:

shazzzba said...

THIS WOMAN IS OBSESSED WITH HER BODILY FUNCTIONS ...CREEPY..PLAIN CREEPY.

Sporky said...

We need a Fishsticks cleanse.

__-__=__ said...

Sorry, I'll just continue to drug myself with three tabs of liver cleanse at night when I might need to cleanse. Way simpler if you're not doing the big liver cleanse. And her web pages - OMG, I seriously cannot read through all that drivel.

Shmooey said...

LOL

First time one of these Paltrow posts have made me laugh.

Is the world supposed to believe that she gets up in the middle of the night to cook chicken?

linnea said...

gets UP? This woman doesnt sleep.

She is so cleansed out, she no longer has any human wants or needs.

Sue Ellen Mishkey said...

I can't remember why MK calls her fishsticks...anyone?

West End Girl said...

Yeah, uh huh, that's what solves hayfever. Stupid bloody bitch.

Sheyna said...

Wow I'm shocked that I've lived my whole life without ever cleansing once. My organs must be in danger of bursting from doing all that stuff they evolved to do.

RocketQueen said...

Poor Goopy. Escaping from her unhappy marriage by asserting her authority and expertise in other matters over the little people. This is just getting sad. I can't even be annoyed at her anymore.

Kyrsten said...

@Sue Ellen Mishkey:
I think Ted Casablanca first gave Goopy the 'fishstick' name... years back... he did not like her much at the time and said she reminded him of 'two frozen fish sticks' or something along that line :)

Syko said...

I had a colonoscopy once, I suppose the prep for that is like a cleanse. It didn't make me feel any better. Other than that, I'm just as backed up and filthy as Sheyna over there.

I get up before dawn every morning and go out on my balcony because I don't smoke in my house, and I watch the black night sky turn to blue and all those other colors, but I still have allergies. I must not be looking at the sky serenely enough of something.

Jess said...

Just when I think that she can't get more pretencious. After so many cleanses, how can she not see that this is a DIET?!
--Denial is avery powerful thing

Sue Ellen Mishkey said...

@Syko

I get up dirt early sometimes and see the majesty that is the sun rising, but I'll still go into anaphylactic shock if I eat coconut.

and
@Krysten

Thanks for the answer.

califblondy said...

Is she serious with that "blue color of dawn" bullshit? Who talks like that? Oh ya, some pretentious, skinny bitch who poops all the time.

I think Goopers needs one of Enty's KFC double-down sandwiches.

Sue Ellen Mishkey said...

Fishsticks' heart would explode if she ate KFC.

Mina said...

I guess that something went very wrong when she was in her anal phase. Maybe she was potty-trained way too early. That woman is as anal as they come.

Harriet Hellfire said...

I think she shat out her soul a long time ago, probably while she was on the master cleanse before her doctor surprised her with the news that "not eating can be bad for you!".

Yeah, I'd get up before dawn and watch the sky turn blue if I didn't have a normal job and like a normal person, I'd like to get as much sleep as possible. Thanks.

Sylvia said...

Seriously who in the hell does that LOLOLOL.

Sis Cesspool said...

The recipe calls for licorice. Where can I find a barrel of Red Vines?

Jingle Belle said...

Licorice? Screw that...just drinks lots of Jagermeister. It has licorice and herbs and couldn't do any more harm than her cleanse.

How on earth can that woman be so full of shit after all of her cleanses?

Little Miss Smoke and Mirrors said...

Hmmmm, now I'm hungoray for some Mrs Paul's!

Carrie L. said...

At first I found Goop ridiculous yet funny, now I'm just irked by the whole thing. Honestly, I wish she would just go away. Far, far away.

Patty said...

Serial cleansing can leave you dehydrated and deprive you of nutrients that are absorbed while your colon does it's normal job. Anyone with an illness of the digestive track (hello, my hand in the air and waving) can tell you that.

mazemerizing said...

I WAKE UP in the morning feeling like P. Diddy...and brush my teeth with Jack. Maybe that's a cleanse Goopy can try next.

Here's an indication of her arrogance: she apparently has no idea how many people read her site for laughs and to make fun of her.

mazemerizing said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
mazemerizing said...

Meant to say that I did like her roasted chicken recipe. Not the ingredients, but cutting the chicken in half to save cooking time. But I'm sure she got that from someone else.

MommaBear said...

So she gets up just before dawn to welcome the new day, does she? Well of course she's up before dawn, what with all the chronic diarrhea brought on by all that colon cleansing crap. I can't imagine what it must be like to be married to her. I think I'd spend long periods of time away.

Ms Cool said...

She is so anal expulsive. She should keep that to herself. ROTFL at myself.

Ms Cool said...

Oh wait - anal retentive? I don't know now.

Superwife said...

Cleanse must be the new secret term for eating disorder. Seriously this woman has issues.

nancer said...

nobody should strive for a spanking clean colon. it's not MEANT to be cleansed. there's shit in there (literally) that you need.

i'm glad she reminded me the sun rises in the east, though. hell, i would've gotten up early and been looking the wrong direction for the change from black to blue.

dumb bitch.

Barton Fink said...

Did anyone read the story about Gwyn darling dropping out of a movie because Nicole Kidman wouldn't be friendly with her? The Goopster decided to return to London and her daily cycle of eating disorder followed by potty-training issues. I join with the others who speculate that there must have been something awry with her toilet training -- was she publicly shamed during her toilet training and made to compulsively obsess about her exacuation?

chihuahuense said...

I am seriously crying from these comments. You guys crack me up. You should all be psychiatrists!

Pookie said...

i can't stand this woman, but these comments are great...so agree w/ Chihuahuense!

still tho...it's like i'd almost rather hear about paris hilton than this asshat.

Robert said...

Don't you think she also spends time reading everything written about her on gossip websites like this one? I can see that, without a doubt. Hi, Goopy!

Merlin D. Bear said...

Mother of God, alert CNN & FOX!
The Gooper is actually handling *RAW FOOD*!
Of course, I don't forsee it going anywhere near her mouth. (Not the raw chicken, but food period)
That picture is from a movie, right?

Selock said...

Enough with the cleansing!!! Her insides must squeak from the cleanliness.

jodie said...

I am pretty sure she had the nickname at high school cos she was so tall and thin and then she said it in an interview.
Am trying to find the interview....

ChasingHeaven said...

With all this cleansing she does its amazing she can still be so full of shit...

Lioness70 said...

Screw her and her blue dawn bullshit. My college poetry teachers would have laughed her out of class before they flunked her for writing that pretentious dribble.

I'm sticking with my works-in-less-than-10-minutes Claritin, thanks.

shakey said...

Harriet, I almost spat my lunch onto the monitor! Love these comments!

When she dies an early death (which I'm sure she will), I wonder if all we'll hear is "but I cleansed! I ate the right foods!" I also wonder if she'll regret not having fun with her life.

If she had potty issues as a child, what is she passing on to her children?

Mango said...

Seriously, all this woman does is cleanse.

Goop is seriously full of shit so the constant cleansing is appropriate.