The secret is that Crotch Uh-Lastic is the real badass in the bedroom. Charlie Sheen wishes he had the originality, hotness and stamina this guy has—no three-minute sex for our handsome Crotch!
But there remains a problem with Crotchy, and it isn't that he's not getting enough sleep or that he picked up some muscle dude who didn't exactly sign a confidentiality agreement.
It's something far more serious:
Friends to Crotch really think he might be losing his mind.
Sleep deprivation, for instance, can't suddenly lead to screwing women when you've shown no inclination toward doing so in the past. Uh-Lastic's pals were totally going “WTF, dude?” when they found out Crotch had done it with a chick recently. Really, that is so Toothy Tile and completely beneath Crotch's strong convictions to never live his life for the public. (He's insisted this to friends many times.)
Maybe he was just curious?
Bat-s–t bonkers and totally out of his gourd, is more like it. Crotch's friends are truly worried that their talented bud is less and less himself these days. Angry. Sullen. More tired than ever. Not even fun to be around when he gets high, which is a lot—more so than usual, lately, too.
Now he's having sex with a woman, whereas he's only had sex with guys in the past, and chewing out his friends, too.
“He's totally lost it,” as one of Mr. Uh-Lastic's amigos put it.
Or is he just getting worried about that career of his?
Hmmm. We'll have to see about this one.
AND IT AIN'T: Jake Gyllenhaal, Justin Timberlake, Alexander Skarsgård