Friday, January 06, 2012

The Goopster Wants To Cleanse You For $425


Thanks to everyone who e-mailed me yesterday about Gwyneth Paltrow's cleanse. The Goopster has outdone herself. In the past she has talked about a cleanse that she likes to do and at first it was not the one she is highlighting this month. I believe her first mention of a cleanse was the one where you basically starve yourself for a week. That is her favorite. I think she probably does that one every other week. She realized though that when you just tell people to drink salt water there is no real money to be made from that, so she found some doctor who would be willing to throw her name on a box and charge $425 for people to starve themselves but make it look like they were not.


It was not until I saw that she was charging $425 that I decided to write. That is a boatload of money for a 21 day cleanse. $20 a day and you will lose some weight but let me tell you how to lose the same amount of weight for free. In her cleanse you are supposed to drink a shake in the morning and at night and have like a salad at lunch. So, basically you are paying your $20 a day for drinking a shake. Go get a 42 cans of Slim Fast on sale and you will spend about $42 over the 21 days and will probably have better results and you won't be pissed that you spent $425. Seriously? Or better yet? For $425 go to a consignment store and buy a used treadmill or stationary bike and spend an hour a day on it for the next 21 days. You will end up losing weight and it will probably stay off.

What the Goopster does is starves herself for 21 days and works out with a trainer 2-3 hours a day and then asks all of you how come you did not lose as much as her. Anyone can lose weight under her plan because you are not eating. Do NOT pay $425 to starve yourself.

46 comments:

Jessica said...

They really need to invent a word beyond pretentious for Gwen. She takes it to extreme levels. Maybe there already is a word, I'm just not smart enough to know it.

Barton Fink said...

For people who are experiencing adult aftereffects of toilet training and have neurotic fixation on "elimination," $425 is nothing.

I agree with Enty here. Exercise and eat in moderation. There are no special foods of supplements that will "cleanse" the body or remove DDT and BPA (just to pick some toxins at random) from storage in fatty tissues.

.debbie. said...

Gwynnie! We can always count on you for a laugh. If only you knew how UTTERLY ridiculous you are (because we know you think you are completely normal and your life is something to aspire to).
Get over yourself. On second thought, don't. Some days we just need the comic relief.

Megley said...

Not to mention that starving yourself is completely UNHEALTHY!!! Hasn't she seen the ads for Christian Children's Fund???

mygeorgie said...

What's worse? friends that shlep these MLM vitamin programs that cost about the same as Goops, that they post on my FB page incessantly, claiming to be all 'scientifically endorsed" and shit: "Reboot your system!" Which consists of $300/m for low grade vitamins.

These same twats worked at Home Depot or Indigo 3 months ago, now they're bonafide nutritionists.

MLM'rs > < CoS

MISCH said...

21 days, is this woman mental ? Between the Colonic's
the Ex-lac's and being bulimic not to mention the bingeing, yes she binges ....she's slowly killing herself and for what...
Crazy I say, just plain crazy.

Henriette said...

I got a question: Why is it in the U.S. the rich people are skinny, and the poor people are fat? Ever notice that? I don't see this in Somalia.

Love the title of Goops cleanse. Sounds like something that would come out of your backend.

BigMama said...

I just have to say, as a person who suffers from certain stomach issues, this looks like a nightmare. If I want a "cleansing" I go and get some Chinese Food rich with MSG. Which cost about $8.65.

Elvira said...

@Henriette -- Because foods that are terrible for you in the States are typically much cheaper. A bag of spinach from the farmer's market probably costs about ten times as much as a Big Mac.

Regardless, there are plenty of emaciated poor people, too. .

Tempestuous Grape said...

When I think cleanse I don't think goop...I mean, I think poop. Like that shit is going to make me poop!

Dandy said...

yes, do the slim fast and donate the rest to charity.

Reese said...

Jessica, I suggest that the word you are looking for to describe Gwennie would be "narcissist". I'd add "malignant" to that.

Feisty said...

@Elvira - spinach actually isn't that expensive, I get 10 oz bags (a LOT of spinach) for about $5 at a "fancy" grocery store. A Big Mac is about $2, right? Not saying you can eat a bag of spinach for a meal, but I don't think cost is always the deciding factor.

What I've read is the bigger problem is distribution. There are "food deserts" in the really poor/rural areas where the main place to get food is a bodega or gas station. Those places carry highly processed foods that have long shelf life, not fresh foods that need to be restocked frequently.

Either way, it has to do with rich vs poor options. This is why I support Urban Farms in Detroit - they grow vegetables and fruits in empty lots for people in the neighborhood. Fights decay and improves nutritional choices.

Tim said...

Perhaps we should call her "the poopster."

Jolene Jolene said...

This $425 for special stuff is complete bullshit. HOWEVER, there is nothing wrong with doing some type of "cleanse." 21 days probably isn't the best idea, but eliminating ALL processed, unnatural foods for a few days really will work wonders for your digestive system. Lots of fruits and veggies, natural, no sugar added juices, and lean protein are all packed with fiber. A day or two of that will really clear out your intestines and colon. If you think that eating processed, packaged food with little to no nutritional value doesn't make a difference to your digestive system, you're delusional. Seriously, try it. You'll feel fantastic. And losing a pound or two in the process is a nice added bonus.

bridget said...

@Feisty--right on. We were having a discussion about this in one of my classes, and a girl who grew up in a poor area of town said that you couldn't get healthy food in that area. The stores barely carried any fresh produce, and what they did carry wasn't the best quality. To make the trek to another area of town was out of the way and very difficult for those without cars, etc. It really opened my eyes, and made me support urban farming.

nancer said...

gwynnie just hates shit, that's all. she can't stand the fact that no matter what kind of little organic nuts and berries she nibbles on, it all ends up as smelly turds in a horrid shade of brown.

i wish she'd quit eating AND shitting altogether so i wouldn't have to read about 'shit' like this.

Elvira said...

@Feisty -- I totally agree, but I also think that locally-produced food is always better/healthier than pre-packaged options. Sure, you can buy spinach at a grocery store, but it's always better to get it from a purveyor who's picked it from a field that same morning. The costs typically reflect the effort farmers endure to bring their food to market -- and it always tastes better, too!

That's not to say that I don't frequent Trader Joe's. ;-)

I think it's wonderful how many farmer's markets are now accepting food stamps, though. Baby steps...

crila16 said...

There are stupid people out there who will pay $425 to cleanse.

I've researched and have done so many different cleansing programs. I can promise you, that though this is most likely a great cleansing system she's offering...no cleasning is worth $425. Even 3 colonic sessions Don't cost this much.

Also, this is too much of an intense cleansing program for beginners and first time cleansers. This chick is insane. IF she's so healthy and lives healthy like she preaches, how is it that she has osteoperosis at such an early age. She's the subject of the BV about the actress getting Osteo in her 30's, due to bulemia. When you force yourself to throw up your meals, you're also depriving your body of nutrients and vitamins. Gwyn is a hypocrit.

Krab said...

>A day or two of that will really clear out your intestines and colon.

That's absolute baloney. Your intestines, which by the way also include your colon, are just dandy at cleaning themselves. As for the rest, you have this handy organ called a liver.

Eat well because it's good for you, not because of some mistaken silly belief that your body is clogged with waste it can't get rid of.

Renoblondee said...

Yes, I agree. Why do people think you even need cleansing? It's a silly trend is all.

chopchop said...

If she took that giant stick out of her ass she wouldn't have such problems taking a shit.

Mina said...

If you want a good colon cleanse eat sauerkraut or drink sauerkraut juice. That's it. Tah-dah!

crila16 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
crila16 said...

Cleansing is vitally important for the colon, especially for the way the Western world eats. No the colon cannot take care of itself if you eat processed foods and junk food. All food is also processed through the liver, which can get weakened over time if you eat poorly. If the colon could take care of itself, there would be no such thing as constipation or colon cancer. Poor diet causes the junk food to pass through the bowels and harden on the colon preventing your body from absorbing vitamins and minerals properly. It also twists the colon out of shape causing blockage (constipation).

Cleansing removes a great deal of toxins from the blood,losens hardened plaque on the colon and cleaning the colon. If you think it's not necessary, then I would hate to see what your colon looks like, unless you eat an organic diet everyday.

Lori said...

@Krab - ABSOLUTELY AGREE. your body is extremely efficient at cleansing itself and this talk and that about "toxins" always makes me angry at those passing around misinformation.

Jolene Jolene said...

Krab--I respectfully disagree. Crila is right. There would be no constipation if the colon cleansed itself. I'm not talking about using goop's special cleansers, but eliminating certain things from your diet that would be considered "toxic" (false sweeteners, for example) and "cleaning out your system" of those things with healthier foods has innumerable benefits. If you think the colon will just clean that shit out by itself (pun intended), then you've obviously never suffered constipation. :)

Jolene Jolene said...

(Not everyone has effects from false sweeteners, it's just an example. I know many people who eliminated that from their diet and felt it really helped.)

Lori said...

@crila16 - sorry...i disagree. I do not eat organic every day and do consume processed foods. NEVER been constipated (very regular, thank you very much), bloodwork is excellent, and no problems with my colon.

There are real toxins, like Mercury, but cleanses do not eliminate them from your body. The liver, kidneys, GI tract and the lungs eliminate most of harmful toxins from your body...others may be stored in your fat of airways, but no cleanse is going to release them. There are medical treatments that can, however...i.e. chelation, dialysis, etc. Most cleanses are just starvation diets with laxitive componants and enough sugar (through juices or fruits, etc) to keep you going. If you cant poop (need to "cleanse"), add more fiber to your diet and perhaps delete some of the refined foods.

flip said...

@crila -- really, who cares what your colon looks like? it should look messy, because it's function is to process waste. You are spreading hyperbole about toxins, a better message would be to stick with eating non processed foods.

Agree with all who talk about better diet and exercise. Those who will pay $425 for Goop's magical poop, I think, are those same people who would be friends with Dana on RHOBH.

Susan said...

Can't say that I'm surprised that Gwen is trying to cash-in on her whole starvation, I mean cleansing, thing. If you want to cleanse, go for it. Me, I'll just eat my fresh fruit and vegetables, delish fish or meat or pasta, while drinking a bottle of wine, enjoying a hunk of cheese and eating a brownie for dessert. And then the next morning, I'll take a lovely walk or do a workout DVD. Thank you very much. I am so anti-fast food/processed crap, but this cleansing stuff is just INSANITY to me. It seems like a bunch of hocus pocus, but that's just me. I've never done it, so if you all say it makes you feel better, that's cool. All I know is a fresh Jersey peach and a homemade chocolate chip cookie make me feel better and that's that.

I honestly think Gwen and co are just trying to take advantage of weight-obsessed Americans who just want a quick fix to lose weight. Just eat in moderation, enjoy life and do something physical rather than sitting on your ass texting and watching reality TV.

SusanB said...

If you're that desperate to "cleanse" yourself, just do the same prep you'd do for a colonoscopy (those of you who have had one know exactly what I'm talking about). The Fleet cleansing stuff costs around $5.00 and believe me - you WILL be clean - do it with the no food part for 24 hours (the colonoscopy prep) and I lost 5 pounds in 2 days. A very painful 2 days but still.....

crila16 said...

@ Lori...you are sooooo very wrong. But I guess we'll have to agree to disagree. :-)

feraltart said...

I would just like to add that one can exercise, eat in moderation, and still be fat. However, I poop beautifully!

RocketQueen said...

I think it was Lainey who wrote yesterday that she endorsed this same cleanse last year, and it sold out in about three seconds flat. This year, she partnerned with the manufacturer and slapped her own label on it to share in the profits. So clearly, people are all over Gwynnie and her lifestyle. Classy, Goop. Ugh, I can't STAND her.

Rita said...

@feraltart - Lol! Poop Beautifully is genius, and should have been the new product name:)

Kelli said...

First of all, I've done the cleanse, and you are not starving yourself. I didn't buy the $425 kit that they suggest, I just did the cleansing diet which can be found on their website. You really don't need all those extra nutrients, you can just take vitamins to supplement.

Basically it's eating all unprocessed foods. I've done the protein shake in the morning, and Enty is dead wrong, you have a real meal at lunchtime, and you can eat brown rice, quinoa, chicken, fish, lamb, etc. At night you have soup or a shake for dinner. You're still eating 1200 calories if you want to. But I swear to god, you're not hungry. I don't know why, but I've had friends that have done it and they say the same thing. You're simply eating really good food. And let me tell you, my skin was glowing and I looked great. I still do a modified version of it but I drink wine and coffee and stuff.

Lelaina Pierce said...

Sorry, I posted this earlier on the wrong post:

I didn't even notice the price when I was reading the newsletter! Good grief. Didn't she start out doing the Master cleanse that was basically lemon water & cayenne pepper??

@Elvira - ITA with you! All the processed/crap foods are loads cheaper than fresh stuff.

I've never done a cleanse, but I wonder how much you are going to the bathroom. How can a person with a normal job do it? When I was in my 20's I did that cabbage soup diet with my co-workers and it was not a good combo for being productive at work.

Maja. With a J. said...

I think Gwyneth Paltrow is an asshole.

Little Miss Smoke and Mirrors said...

Anyone who sends Gwyneth Paltrow $425 to take a dump deserves whatever shit they get.

old ;ady said...

Thank you ENTy. No one needs to buy this unless you want the GOOPSTER's to get your money. She has a fixation on the old poop shoot, be it from being potty trained to early or just she is anal retentive. As others have said if she removed the stick, she would not have problems and no need for these. She could also get help for her food issues. OVER her.

Mooshki said...

People really need to watch the Penn & Teller: Bullshit! episode about cleansing.

Anotheramy said...

Ive seen the inside of my colon, it was very clean, and pink and my diet is horrible. There is something to be said about eating nothing but fruits and veggies for a couple of days. People do get healthy looking after doing that. A camera man for Survivor even mentioned it. He said something about 4 days though.
I think I might try Entys hour on the treadmill for 21 days and see what happened.

Robin the Mad Photographer said...

You guys are comedy gold today, esp. ChopChop! I have my own colon problems (namely, a severe case of hereditary diverticulosis/diverticulitis that has my colon looking like a cross between a bicycle tire & a porcupine), and having had a couple of colonoscopies and major bowel surgery, I can assure you that if you think you're all plugged up, then Go-Lytely is the answer to your prayers--you WILL go ANYTHING but lightly!!! Otherwise, eat plenty of fiber, drink plenty of water (otherwise the fiber will aggravate your constipation, not resolve it), and try to get some moderate exercise every day...oh, and eating a good healthy diet of unprocessed foods is always a good thing. (Don't always do it, mind you, but I still know it's a good thing.)

PS: Don't know if it's still up, but there used to be a website for a product called Colonblow that really did seem like the ultimate cleanse--people would send in photos of what they managed to get out of their asses with this stuff, and I still don't know whether to laugh my ass off or be totally horrified that people are sending pictures of their own shit in as testimonials. And no, I am NOT making this up...)

Robert said...

Leave it to Maja to cut to the chase.

Robert said...

@RtMP: You WEREN'T making that up...gross!