Thursday, February 09, 2012

Your Turn

Would you live together with someone before marrying them? Has your view changes over the years?

75 comments:

Annika said...

I would never marry someone - without living with them first.

Sylvia said...

I don't see a problem living together. It's a good way to get to know each other.

SpunkyPR said...

My mother actually told me before you marry a man, you better live with him first so you're not surprised later on. She would know since she and my dad were pen pals and never physically met until they got married.

msgirl said...

I lived with my to-be husband for 10 years before we got married. And actually getting legal didn't change our relationship at all.

Ida Blankenship said...

LOL. Did CDAN just turn back the clock 50 years? Jeebus.

Hell, yes. Even if you shack up forever and DON'T get married, who cares?

I would also have premarital sex -- copious times. I believe in taking multiple test drives before you buy the car. ;-)

califblondy said...

I did years ago. I would do it again for practical reasons (what's love got to do with it)

Otherwise, I'm afraid I'm not cut-out to cohabitate with anyone.

Kimberly said...

Yes, I did. I would never ever again. I think you get trapped into marriage when,you.live,with someone because,its harder to,break up or,leave

Layna Day said...

I consider myself pretty open-minded, but for whatever reason, living with someone before marriage wouldn't work for me. Not sure why, but I don't see myself doing it.

__-__=__ said...

Always. Nothing has changed about that.

Ms Cool said...

I did and married him. We are very happy after 15 years together (and 10 1/2 years of marriage)!

selenakyle said...

I'm calling shenanigans--who is writing these Your Turns?

Must not be someone who knows anything about any of us CDAN commenters, or else the whole blog has gone completely Fox News on our asses...

Syko said...

I'd live with them, but never marry them. And I'm with Ida on the promiscuity before marriage bit. I wasn't - in those days you saved yourself for marriage - so my first, and only until I was 36 and divorced, was the guy I married, and for many years I thought sex was overrated because we were not compatible there at all. I raised two daughters and encouraged them to shop around. They did. They've done much better with the marriage thing than I did.

Allison said...

I wouldn't live with a boyfriend and really hope to never need a roommate again. I would live with a fiance. I would live with a man if we had definite plans to marry. Otherwise, I'd rather keep my own space.

I also agree that it'd be messier to break up once you live together. Cohabiting is almost as big a commitment as marriage in my mind.

michelle.oglesby said...
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Cheryl said...

We did, but I don't think it works for everyone. We were very committed from the beginning and early on set a date. We lived together for 6 years and we've been married for 14 years.

HannahPalindrome said...

Living together before marriage-No

I refuse to meet parents until I have a ring on my finger.

CalmLikeYou85 said...

I would ONLY marry someone after living with them first.
My fiance and I have lived together for 4 years, and we're getting married next year.

You need to know what you're signing up for, I think.

HannahPalindrome said...

Living together before marriage-No

I refuse to meet parents until I have a ring on my finger.

Lurky Loo said...

Interesting question and I don't think one answer fits all here. I've done it twice, one very long term and one where I lived with my now husband for two years before getting married. I agree with the posters that say you should do it just to test the waters.

For me, I am much happier married. There were just some things DH and I absolutely had to work out because we want to be married for the rest of our lives. In the other relationship, things could just simmer for years and never really get resolved. I feel a level on intimacy that I didn't feel just living with someone.

Again this is how I feel about it and it works for me. To each his own ;>

MISCH said...

I would live with someone but keep my own place.

Pogue Mahone said...

Living together and not being married is like second-best, like you're not sure,a throw-away relationship, it's just good enough for now. If you REALLY loved someone you wouldn't hesitate to marry them.It's too bad society doesn't value marriage anymore.

mbagrrrl said...

I don't know what marriage new or different (other than the legal stuff) if you're just going to live with your significant other before you get hitched. My girlfriends who have lived with their boyfriends had to wait a looooong time before they got their rings. If that doesn't matter to you, fine. But it mattered to them, and I got tired of hearing them whine about it when it was clear their men were just happy with things the way they were.

As for me, marriage just doesn't seem rational other than it's cheaper to share things.

pilly said...

Live together FIRST!! Never ever will change views. I never lived w the husband unit and in the first year he was VERY close to being the EX husband unit

Kids. Test drive the car before purchasing. Make sure it's the right model for the long haul drive.....

AKM said...

I did live with someone, but I would never do it again.

(For the record, studies show that couples who cohabitate before marriage don't fare any better than couples who don't. In fact, some studies have said that their divorce rates were higher. But, then again, you know what they say about statistics, so YMMV...)

nolachickee said...

I used to say no, but as I age, I'm more and more open to living with someone. It doesn't seem like a big deal anymore.

BigMama said...

I didn't live with my husband before marrying him. However, that was in large part because I was a single mother. I just don't feel it was right for us. That does not mean I think it is wrong for others.

Lurky Loo said...

Pogue I think you hit it on the head. With the long term relationship, I was getting to an age where I really wanted to think about planning for my future and I got tired of noncommital attitudes.

With DH, it touched me deeply that he wanted to very much to commit, that he wanted it to be forever and wanted build our future together. The monetary resources we brought into the marriage were lopsided, but he completely trusted me and valued what I could bring into the relationship.

Now I won't judge others, everyone has to find their own way, but having experienced both, I'll take the man who has no barriers to wanting to build a life together. If you can incorporate that into living together, then great. Maybe it's very 1950s of me but I love being married ;>.

Susan said...

I've been married for 8 years. I did not live with The Husband before getting hitched. I lived with my parents. Yes, I'm that old school. And, yes I watch Fox News.

Not for nothing- The Husband tried his damnedest to get me to live with him. He asked multiple times. And my answer was, "There's no fucking way in hell that I'm cleaning up your shit without a ring on my finger and a Mrs. before my name." And I was quite pissed that he even asked, honestly. He proposed within the year. And, I'm still cleaning up his shit. Just kidding. I love the fool. But, living together makes everything so real. Totally your own personal choice, obvi, just not the road I wanted to take.

crila16 said...
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SeekHer said...

What a sad comment on our reactionary times that this is even a question. Christ I miss the 70's.

Sue Ellen Mishkey said...

Yeah. I live with my fella now. I think it's probably good to know if you can live together before you get married. I want to make sure I know what I'm buying.

crila16 said...

No. I am extremely old school. I would never live with someone before I was married, not unless there was an engagement ring on my finger and the wedding was a couple of months away.

@ Susan...I watch Fox News too, and know a lot of people that do.

Caroline said...

Well, my mother has always said that she NEVER would have married my father if they had lived together first! Thankfully she didn't and they're still married. My significant other and I, however, decided to move in together within the first 72 hours of being together- 5 years ago. Getting married this year (more for legal reasons than anything else), but it has been 5 years of non-marital bliss :) I highly recommend it, but realize it might not be for everyone.

KellyLynn said...

I like the living together, not so much the marriage. As I have said in this space before, I was coerced into marriage by my husband. I would have been happy to stay single for the rest of my life, and I am just as likely to leave now as I was then.

KellyLynn said...

I should also mention that I lived together with my second ex-fiance for two and a half years, and balked at that marriage as well. In that instance, I felt as if I was too young to get tied down, and I felt like Ms. Social Worker/mom in that one too

RenoBlondee said...

Lived with my first husband before marriage and swore I'd never do it again.
Married my current hubby and we did not live together, BUT, I will say I kinda wish we could have. We took things very very fast because I had a 7 year old daughter and didn't want to live together for her sake. We were dogs in heat though and got married w/in 6 months. LOL 9 years later we are happy.
To each his/her own!

Fawn Neun said...

I always have. Married them anyway. Number #3 needed health insurance.

CherryGirlMandy said...

I dated my high school sweetheart for five years, and never lived together until we got married. 14 months later we were getting divorced. I moved in with my 2nd husband 2 months after we met. Got married 4 months later and next month will be our 14th anniversary.
Absolutely live with them first. I never would have married the first one if I had.

SkittleKitty said...

Been there, done that. (Married now for almost 18 years.) We were engaged when we moved in/across country for me to go to grad school.

redronnie said...

I was married twice, the first husband and I lived together only five months..big mistake. The second husband and I lived together four years, we got to know each others habits, our moods the silent clues to what was on our minds. We married and now years later, I recognize my husband is my best friend, and the time we simply lived together formed the bond. Marriage made us closer and I jokingly sign my notes to him, "THE WIFE"

Cali Girl said...

Wouldn't consider marrying someone without living with them first - currently living with the man I love.

Del Riser said...

Hoo boy, I didn't live with my first husband before marriage I was only 19 and living at home. He died 1 year and four months later, so who knows how that would have turned out. We had a four month old baby.
I did not live with my second husband because of my child, and I *thought* I knew him. A pathological liar and all around nut job.
I did not live with my third husband, the child thing again. He needed me, and I found I did not need to be anyone's "everything".

I should point out these were several years apart. At last, on my own, met a great guy, we knew we were going to get married and I did live with him. Now married a long time and I love him just as much today.

I think you need to know exactly what you are getting if planning to marry and the best way to know is to live together.

Seachica said...

I would and I am.

SusanB said...

I lived with my 1st husband for one year before we got married - didn't make a bit of difference - marriage wasn't any better or any worse. Luckily we didn't have kids.

On the 2nd marriage, he wanted us to live together first, but I lived in another state, had a good job, owned my own home and refused to take the chance. We got married and have had the usual settling-in difficulties (mostly due to TV shows incompatibility) but it's been 8 years and we're doing great.
And the best marriage tip I got was "both should have a TV remote" - when I get really fed up with him changing channels I change it to what I want with my own remote and DARE him to change it.

Jolene Jolene said...

I've always been torn on this issue. The reason why I think it sometimes DOESN'T work when people live together first is because someone isn't ready to get married but doesn't want to break up, so they feel like living together will keep their significant other happy for the time being. I have to say that unless you're very young or there are other extenuating circumstances, if you don't even want to broach the subject of marriage but will agree to live together, that's something to be concerned about. I'm of the "when you know, you know" school of thought. Unless neither ever wants to get married or it's not important to them, then go ahead.

I did live with my husband before we got engaged, but it was more for convenience (my lease was running out and we knew we'd be engaged within the next year). We knew we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, but without knowing that, I would've never lived with him first. We were practically living together anyway, only going back to my apartment to get more clothes, etc.

I DO think that you MUST go on a long vacation with someone before you get married! Something about traveling and being together 24/7 will really tell you if you can live with them. My hubs and I went on a glorious two week trip to Thailand, and it was paradise. I was pretty certain after that we'd get along. :)

EmEyeKay said...

Lived with 3 boyfriends until finding Mr. First Marriage - wouldn't live with him first, but should have. Mr. Second Marriage, same thing, but different reasons. REALLY wish we hadn't made it legal but we had a very good reason to do so.

Same result for both - divorce. So who knows.

Krab said...

Sure. I lived with my now-husband for 1.5 years before we got married. We married at 22 and 24; getting married at 21 and 23 just seemed too young. We're still together and happy 25 years and two extremely annoying teenagers later.

Boriqua said...

Absolutely. You test drive a car before buying it, right? ;)

Anotheramy said...

I lived with my ex for two years before marrying him. I have lived with my current fiance for 12 years and still havent married him. :)

Miranda said...

I have lived with boyfriends before and I won't do it again unless I'm married or engaged. It just causes too many headaches (and heartaches).

megs_pvd said...

My father told me not to get married: To make my own money and shack up.

Worstcompanytoworkfor said...

Marriage is so out dated.

Obsolete

GoGo said...

I was married once, but it didn't work out. I then moved to Seattle where I met Cory.
I've been friends with my "old man" for almost 20 years, we've been living together (as friends first) for about 18 years, we've been in a relationship for 16 1/2 years, and engaged for about 12 years. When we first got engaged, I was still technically married although we'd been separated for more years than we'd been married. I used to dream about marrying Cory, but once my divorce was final and it came down to it, YES, my thoughts changed; I'm NE'ER getting married again, not e'en to this wonderful man who loves me so...
I know I'm an idiot, but if it ain't broke...

Comma Chaser said...

I'm in this situation now, with our wedding date later this year after about 3 years of cohab and 4 years of dating. Definitely a good decision for us both, it's allowed us to sort out various issues before making it permanent.

Casual Observer said...

My lovely state of Washington just legalized gay marriage (just waiting for the governor's signature), so I'll have to get back to you on this one.

jax said...

never been married...never lived with anyone outside of my parents. no room mates since moving out either.

i'm f-cked.

someone pray for the rockstar if we ever move in together.

hamster party said...
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Janet296 said...

Not only would I do it but I have lived with someone before marriage. My view hasn't changed. You can be committed and not be married. I think people get married way to quick.

erin z. said...

@ hannahpalindrome: your comment "i refuse to meet parents until i have a ring on my finger" probably explains why your hand is sans engagement ring because that statement is just obnoxious.

if a couple plan on having children then there should be some law that states that the couple must first raise a puppy together without breaking up before the couple is allowed to have children.

sunshine said...

what Annika said...

Maja. With a J. said...

My husband and I had a very brief courtship before we got married and we now joke how we probably wouldn't have gotten married if we had gotten to know each other better *L*. He had lived with girlfriends before but I had never lived with anyone (except roommates). I had to learn. Am still learning. And even though it worked out for us, I say yes, absolutely, live together, have premarital sex, and don't even feel that you have to get married if it's working for you. It's 2012. You can be committed to each other without that piece of papaer!

zeldafitzgerald said...

we don't get married in my family. My sisters have been living with their "partners" - i despise that term but it will serve - for over 30 years for one and over 20 years for the other. I have been co-habitating for 4 myself. I don't see the point in getting married. We have made a very serious commitment to each other that has been borne out by our actions over the past 5 years of our relationship.

nunaurbiz said...

At my age and having never gotten married, I don't see the need to get married. Seems like something that's a good idea for young folks who are breeding. Not that I'm ruling it out, but looks more likely I'd be living with someone without being married than "before being married." :-D

feraltart said...

Didn't live with the first husband, if I had we would have never gotten married. Lived with my now 2nd husband, had 13 years up this week and it will be 8 years married in June. I will always live with someone first. If, however, something happened and I were single, I think I would just date, be intimate, and keep my own place. But who knows, I like to keep an open mind.

Caroline said...

I lived with my husband eight years before marrying him. No, our relationship hasn't changed but I really like being married. I didn't think I would that is why it took me so long to do it.

ardleigh said...

So Enty, is the REAL reason for this question ;you don't know if you should pop the question or just see if she'll live in a basement on a futon??

amh.producer said...

I'd like to know why people think this question is so offensive? it's not an opinion being stated by Enty one way or another. Jeez. I love y'all but sometimes I think things just get taken too far and literal.

That being said, lived with someone and after a year we weren't any further in our relationship so I left. And it wasn't any harder breaking up with someone that I loved just because we lived together. It was fucking hard because I loved him but we weren't growing as a couple AT ALL and I knew it was time to move on. I was also miserable in my life, which I am certain, didn't help our life together.

I would live with someone now but I probably wouldn't do it quickly.

and I'm sorry, I'm almost 40 and never been married and don't think I will but I want the WEDDING dammit! I want the dress, the pomp and circumstance, the registering, the 'it's all about me' mentality. but at least I know that the wedding isn't a marriage, which is why I haven't had either. :-)

And I am a smart forward thinking woman but sometimes it's all about being 10 again and planning that day, the dress, it all.

Robin the Mad Photographer said...

I don't know that I'd want to actually live with them, but then again I'm not convinced I'd actually want to get married, either--the older I get, the more I think Katherine Hepburn was right when she said "Men and women should just live next door to each other and visit"! I find I really need my own space and time to myself, and listening to people I just don't get the sense that those things are possible living together, whether or not you're married. I'm sure this explains why I'm still single at my age...

OMAMA is BROKO said...

no

OMAMA is BROKO said...

^^ (I'm wouldn't live w/someone again before marriage -especially at my age) and yes my views have changed as I've aged, had to divide assets w/out being married (-which is far worse than when you divorce -in which there are laws to protect you, which aren't there if you are merely living together), etc.

Kathryn said...

I have always enjoyed my own space and like living alone with my plants and animals. When my husband asked me to move in with him, I told him I had no intention to give up my place were I could have my animals and a garden.....without a long term commitment. Two months later he approached me about a cottage with a fenced in yard, gardens and a fish pond. I agreed, trusting he would respect what I had communicated. One month later he asked me to marry him. That was over ten years ago.....

Because I have so many animals, plants and children, if something happened to my husband, I would be very guarded. I am not saying I would not date, I would just want my own space.

All that being said, my husband and I joke that we will get divorced and remarry when everyone can marry. I understand that commitment can and does look different for everyone.....to each their own.......j

jgirl828 said...

I would live with a guy before we got married, but we'd have to agree that we would EVENTUALLY get engaged in the near future....he ain't gonna get the milk for free!

aurelie said...

I lived with a bf for 2 years and it was horrible. I think it helped kill the rlp him acting as a husband me getting none of the benefits of his acting like. I changed my mind now, i would never live with someone before getting married. It gives a whole new dimension to the rlp. it's like a screening process all on it's own.
I do resent the comments saying it's retarded to not live with the person first. We have some close minded people on here boy ! anyway, i feel it makes us work harder at the rlp, you get plenty of firsts, the newlywed period is a REAL newlywed period. it's just awesome. My fiance and I are now waiting to move in.

__-__=__ said...

After reading all the comments this morning I think everyone should read Martha Stout's Sociopath Next Door before getting married. It's a short read. Lots of good info.

Lelaina Pierce said...

I had a different opinion about living together when I was young and stupid. We dated probably about a 1-1.5 years before we officially moved in and it really was more of a financial decision than anything else (if you can afford to keep up two households, go for it!). We were ready and committed. We lived together 2-3 years before getting engaged. Everyone said it would change when we got married. Absolutely zero changed. Everyone is different and has to do their own thing, but I i no way think that LIS (Livin' in Sin, baby!) is a detriment to the relationship.