Who said she was being faithful?
She comes off so textbook in this interview. I don't get it. Aren't there any hot guys she can find to treat her like shit?
I'm tired of these people.
Forget Chris Brown, she would make the perfect polician's wife. Can't you just see her standing by her man at one of those awkward press conferences when all his affairs come to light?
Also, yes, people will still feel sorry for her when he inevitably beats her half to death one day, but much less so than they did the first time around
Oh, this just makes me sad. It's obvious she's been brought up to believe this kind of behavior is acceptable and that just makes me so sad for her.
Also, she's so very lovely when she dresses elegantly. But she's young and that really is the time to experiment and do the *edgy* thing.
This is so 2012.
No, people will not feel sorry for her a second time around. When it first happened, there wasn't much anyone knew about Rihanna other than she was a huge pop singer.
These days, everyone knows she's a wild child rebelling against God knows what and she's lost that sense of innocence her public persona held up.
In other words, she's making her bed and she is going to lie in it when something goes down.
If he is who she wants, whatever. They must be soul mates or something, but have an open relationship understanding. I don't believe either of them is faithful.
What an idiot.
Whitney and Bobbi is what it sounds like. Just a drug fueled mess of a relationship.
I totally get where she's coming from. She's a young woman and wants what she wants – even if it is bad for her. I know I've been so stubborn as to make really bad decisions in my youth (and some in adulthood).
She'll eventually see that Chris hasn't changed and move on. Until then, she's made her decision and she's going to live with it.
I can't get behind the *she made her bed, now she must lie in it*…so very '50s to me. There should always be compassion for victims of abuse. JMO.
What a revolting mess.
"what will she say? What will she do? Will people feel sorry for her?"
Entwood, I don't know and I don't care.
Awww, I'll feel bad for her. No one deserves to get hit by someone they love, even if that person has giant horse teeth, an addiction to auto-tune and a face that makes Lil Wayne look gorgeous.
I'm do sick of this trick. Why she's even famous is beyond me. Her music is terrible, she's not talented and I don't think she's that good looking. Time to go buh bye.
If it happens again, she'll be lucky if he doesn't kill her the next time around.
*so Stupid phone.
I think she was an abused child and is just recreating what she knows best. I do feel sorry for her; shes a victim of her choice.
I'll still feel bad for her. She can be a brat but she seems to have a good heart and doesn't know her own worth.
Can I just say I love when people have little nicknames for Enty? Too cute.
@Reeses, I was only answering enty's question as to will people feel sorry for her, which is no. A lot of people have a hard time giving people second chances when they "stuck by them" the first time around. What she needs is a good therapist to help her get to her senses but I doubt she'll do that since she's sees unphased by the whole situation.
ITA Auntliddy! Her dad looks like a piece of work!
She is another one. Beautiful, exotic, now she is total trash! I know a lot of people make Taylor Swift jokes, but at least she runs from her mistakes…
People change!!! He was in a relationship with the other girl and he never hit her. I really doubt Chris would make the same mistake hitting her ever again. I think they love each other and people should let them be. I really don't understand why other people who have amused women or even still abusing them, do not get half as much hatred their way. I smell double standards when it comes to the treatment he has received. God knows I have made mistakes in life, and thankfully got chances to redeem myself.
Isn't that what they all say? He's sorry, I love him, he'll never do it again. She probably doesn't say anything about him being a man whore because she doesn't want to "start a fight." Because, you know, asking for respect is the same as starting a fight.
@LottaColada. I get what you were saying. I hate that saying with a passion and I guess I jumped on it. I wasn't trying to make it personal against you. My apologies.
Well, he hasn't beaten up anyone else the past 4 years (or the whole world would have known about it) – so maybe he's learned that lesson at least?
I know you've never heard of me, but I'm here to defend CB! Seriously, you guys! I give you my honor as someone you know nothing about! Seriously! Cmon! Be nice! He's great! It's love! It will never happen again! If you can't trust a stranger who doesn't know him, who can you trust? His actions? Police documentation? Eyewitnesses? His own tweets?
I think you guys are just mean.Even though you don't know me, you'll all be sorry, I say–SORRY!
This.. "Whitney and Bobbi is what it sounds like. Just a drug fueled mess of a relationship"
Well said Lynn. Lets not forget Ike and Tina. Sadly enough, i think they want to go down as having similar relationships like the ones before them. its sick. they're sick. and they're looking more and more sickly by the day. Look how skinny she's getting. and him, just look at him (chris). He's even turned a shade of yellow (at least i think so). DRUGS.
Rihanna will accept the backlash, and she said if its a mistake, its HER mistake so haters should just shut the phuck up and let her and Chris Brown LIVE! The thing Chris Brown is going to knock up is Rihanna's uterus! She is going to get pregnant by him. She is convinced he is THE ONE for her. Enty, stop beating a dead horse. Thx
She is dicktamatized.
@Reeses- No need to apologize, just making sure we're on the same page
Toilet flush to RiRi getting pregnant by CB!
@Libby- who defended Chris Brown? I must've missed that discussion!
Right before I read this post I was thinking of my sister. She ran away at 15 and hooked up with a guy 12 yrs older. He beat her or mentally abused her every day. 4 years later she meets her future husband who did the exact same thing. 10 yrs and one child later she leaves him only to be stalked by him for years. As a divorcee, she dated men who treated her like garbage. She would eventually leave them but…always went with the same kind of guy. The last guy she dated for about 4 yrs off and on. He would black her eyes or there would be a busted lip or bruises. Still she made excuses for him. Oh he loves me, she would say. He dosent do it when he's not drunk. Excuses. I was at the end of my rope. This August he almost killed her, he had her trapped in her room between the wall and the bed and beat her for 2 hours. This time a broken nose, wrist, busted lip, teeth knocked out, a spinal fracture, two swollen shut black eyes, a concussion and black and blue from head to toe from him kicking her repeatedly. When the cops finally came and surrounded the house and went to her bedroom window, he realized the cops were there and he said, and this is in the report, ''oh honey let me help you up, you took a nasty fall''. Thank you to the neighbors who got invloved and called the police. My 87 year old grandmother was in her bedroom scared stiff and couldn't move. He also had a federal warrant for violating a felony NCO and a state warrant for the same thing. And I have to say this…My dad has never been that type of man.Rihanna should not be hated or be called names. My sister sat in the hospital for 2 weeks and couldn't sleep in her bedroom because she couldn't clean up all the blood. Yes, I did get frustrated with her and even pissed and tried tried tried to talk sense into.her. I myself have had a few relationships like this and I still sleep with the light on. But I have not dated anyone in 8 yrs because I am scared that I will fall into that trap again. I have an 8 yr old daughter.I wish I knew why people continue to go back to unhealthy relationships and I wish abused women would know deep down in their hearts that they are better than all of that. That they deserve love that does not hurt. As I am furiously thumbing this on my phone, tears are streaming down my face. For some reason Rihanna does not think very much of herself. All of her bravado and antics show that. I just wish people would not call her names. She is a very broken person and she dosent love herself. And I for one feel so so so bad for her. I hope she gets help.Thank you for reading my extremely long post. And please be kind ot one another.
He hasn't beaten anyone in 4 years? What happened to the fight with Drake and the fight with Frank Ocean?
It only took me one beating to understand that's not how a healthy relationship works.
Lotta—My first comment a joke, was filling a void. But I was just a bit too hasty.
I think that's what you were asking?
Idiot – i know I should be sympathetic to someone from an abusive relationship, but he hits you, screws around, screws around some more, smacks anything that sets off his short temper… Which of these isn't a warning sign?I think the standard refrain of famous people staying the emotional age they are when they get famous is so true… Her idea of love seems like a teenage version of love…
@Libby, I thought you were referring to someone who actually came out of the woodwork to defend CBs honor lol
HAHAHAHA!!! +1 +1 +1!
LEAVE CHRIS BROWN ALOOOONE! *sob*
lc – Thank you for sharing your sister's story. I hope she finds health and love. Same to you!
Yes, I will feel badly for Rihanna when this sort of thing happens again. I think relationships riddled with domestic violence are much more than black and white, so I can not judge. I also think when you're young and single you think you need all of this drama in your love life. I'm quite content in my lovingly "dull" relationship with a doting Husband and son who worship me and do not beat or torment me. I honestly wish this type of bliss on anyone who wants it. Seems like Rihanna thinks "drama" is love. Didn't we all in our youth?
@Ic. Thanks for sharing your story. For me, it was mental abuse. I left immediately after he beat me the one time. The mental abuse was gradual, very insidious. Hindsight being 20/20, I can look back and see so clearly all the warning signs. I'm still fighting my way back from all the damage my ex did to me.
Thank You Ic. My husband is verbally/mentally/emotionally abusive to me, always yelling and screaming at me, belittling me, and treating me like a child. In public no less, or at home. When he gets angry, very angry, over something like a perceived slight/oversight he throws things, pushes me, screams, calls me names, etc. When he has been drinking heavily ( anything other than beer) it turns rougher. The same sorts of things but just rougher. Last night I packed up my car and left him, for the 30th time, telling him it was over and he was, in his heart, in his character, an asshole and that I can't be with someone like that anymore. He begged, cried, pleaded. I left for two hours, realised I'm married and can't just abandon him, abandon my marriage, and came home. The truth about Chris Brown and Rihanna is that he will do it again. That's also what I told my husband. You will black out again, you will hit me again, you will yell at me, call me every name in the book, you will, it's only a matter of time. Because when someone is like that, it's just a part of their nature. At least that's what I've seen so far, and what I believe. He said that he's going to work on it, he'll change, he'll treat me like a princess. All things that I've heard before. I have a nice scar now on my elbow from when he threw a heavy lamp at me on Xmas after blacking out. I don't know what to do. I don't have anywhere to go. My Mom has said that I'm not welcome at her house because I chose to go back with him, and the next time I need help I can go to a shelter. I don't know what to do, other than stay and hope things get better, and prepare myself for the next time. Because there will be a next time, there always is. But how can I not give someone another chance when we are married and we love each other? I don't have anywhere to go.
@Ic – that is a heartbreaking story. I hope your sister gets out of that cycle, and I hope you find someone who will treat you like you deserve.
The thing is, Rihanna and any of the women who are in an abusive relationships could do SOOOOOOO much better,and the abuser is very aware of this, but the victim have to be the ones to know this, and decide to break free, but with many, that never happens. It's tragic.
Unfortunately, Rihanna is behaving as if she thinks they are soulmates. She probably thinks they are perfect for each other because they are both stars and at least he has his own money. She`s used to people doing her bidding bc she`s a celebrity, and Chris Brown probably fascinates her bc he won't be controlled. Same old, same old, age old story. Something is always more interesting if you can't have it. She doesn't realize is that this is a good thing, until he learns to control his temper.
Anna – Contact a women's shelter and try to get help. You can do it!!!!
@Anna: Get out!!!!!! It will never get better, sweetie. Call your local women's shelters. What about friends? Do any and everything you can to get out. Just get the the hell out now!!!
Please know I say this with tears in my eyes. It doesn't get better and you cannot fix him. If he's a black-out drunk, he could easily kill you. Yes, I said KILL YOU!
Again, call your local women's shelters. Now!!!
@lc that was about the rawest and most touching comment I've ever read. Wow. Cannot imagine how hard that is to live with. You must be an incredibly strong person.
What state are you in?( if you care to share that personal info.)
@Anna LEAVE!!! You've made it this far, under those conditions, and you don't think you're strong enough to take the first step and get yourself into a shelter? You do know what to do. Please, please, please get out now.
I can see it VIP. Like Jim McGreeveys wife with the dead inside look on her face while she stood by him
Ic. xoxo to you and your daughter.
I'm in California. It's not just mental/verbal. You know when someone is spitting mad? Enraged? Screaming? He gets to that point so easily, daily, especially after a bad day, if I say something wrong, or do something wrong he's right there. If I protest, and say you're being a jerk, he says I'm an f'ing b, etc. When I'm walking down the three steps with my bag to leave him, he always likes to kick me or shove me, when I say wtf is wrong with you? He says well you're leaving me, so I don't care about you now. He only drinks beer now, so that's supposed to prevent blacking out, but that anger is always simmering beneath the surface, I always have to be careful. That's why I like coming on here and blah blah blahing, it's nice to be somewhere I can speak my mind, not say what I think he wants to hear, or what won't get me in trouble. He could easily kill me. I know he can. But it's better than sleeping in my car…I have a friend that I've told about the situation, who says I can go to his house anytime, but that would be only for a night or two. The other friend that I could stay with is an ex, that my husband knows, knows where he lives, and I shudder to think what he'd do if I moved in with him. He's told me before he'd kill me if I left him. It's ok you guys. I'm strong. I can handle it. It's gonna be okay. It'll work out somehow. Thanks for being there everybody, you help me so much every day, coming on here and yacking with you all, gives me something to look forward to. And yes I was formerly known on here as CarmeliteLady, Karma Chameleon and Harvey Manfrenjensen. I had to keep changing names for fear that he'd find out and be angry with me for talking my mind to others. I am not a stupid woman, I have judged Rihanna and women like me now I guess too, I am pretty attractive according to guys, but I have to keep trying. I don't have any other options guys. It sounds like many of you know how it is.
I watched this TED talk on it yesterday and one thing that stood out for me was that a lot of victims (which I was once, when I was very young) don't understand that they are being abused. They think they are in love with a deeply troubled person. I think Chris Brown is an irredeemable shitbag myself, but I am not her. Given that there were police charges filed andeveryone in the world saw her poor head, that is harder to believe, but I could see how that could actually push her at him. As in, defending this irredeemable shitbag with the metric tonne of rage baggage because he is only understood by her.
Ic: thank you for your comment. I teach at a shelter for abused women, their stories are heartbreaking. Hope your sister will be well. And you and your daughter, too.
Anna, I'm sure your local shelters have all kinds of resources to help you, and to help you get on with your life once you've taken that step. Please, leave. If you already know that he won't change, or can't change, stop risking your life for him.
Lc, thank you for posting here. You are very strong, and I admire you for facing head on what you went through, and doing what you need to do to not go through it again.
I wish Rihanna was doing that same self-analysis. I think she enables CB, and he her. She thinks that because it is deep love, she needs to accept his violence. And he feeds off of that, with no boundaries being set for what is not acceptable. They feed each other in a very unhealthy spiral. Until she takes a stand that she will not accept being beaten, the cycle will continue. This is very Ike and Tina. Tina eventually walked away, and I hope Riganna does that too.
And those are the only circumstances in which she will get my fan respect. Here's the thing — I do not have any relationship with her except as a potential fan. I am not her family. I am not the close friend she will need at 1am one night when she is black and blue. Those people — they need to give her sympathy and hard love. But as a potential fan, I have the right and distance to choose the idols I like based on talent, image, and yes — lifestyle. I don't have to respect how she lives her life. I can choose to criticize the choices she makes, because to applaud them is to find them admirable. I can choose to be disgusted and disapproving, and share that with others so as to create a society acceptability level that does not allow violence. I do not need to give her a second chance, and I sure wont shut up about it if I don't like what she does.
The same holds true for Chris Brown. And Alec Baldwin. And Dan Schneider. And for every other asshole out there.
The day when Rihanna shows remorse, and that she is working on whatever demons exist that find CB's behavior to be acceptable — that is when she will get my sympathy and fandom. Until then, I will disrespect her and her choices.
Anna, are you working outside your home at all?
@Anna I encourage you to look at this site: www.womenshelters.org/sta/california. Even if you're not ready to make a move now, you can at least do some research and maybe contact a few of these places so you know what your options are. Staying in an abusive relationship can't be the only option. Good luck with everything!
Anna next time, call the cops have him charged and removed from the property – get a restraining order and call every time he violated it. PERIOD – YOU don't have to leave – have him removed.
Go to a shelter – get counselling – what you have isn't a MARRIAGE – he won't change – its not YOU,its him. Its 2013 – no one needs to take abuse because of a financial situation or fear of embarassment.
@lc, I'm so sorry for your family's experiences. If I may be so bold, the best thing for your daughter is not for you to avoid relationships, but to seek therapy so you can regain trust in yourself and model good choices for her.
@Anna, I hope you do find the strength to leave. It is far better to abandon your marriage than to abandon yourself. My co-worker left her abuser after 15 years of abuse. It was not easy and he did try to stalk and bully her back into the relatonship, but she got through it. She is happier now than I've ever seen her now that she doesn't live under the black cloud of abuse. I wish you luck and good health.
Seachica, thank you for your post! I am a person that believes that everyone is entitled to their opinion and your post was well thought out and intelligent. I admire and respect you for that.I don't necessarily disrespect her, because I don't know her but I do disrespect her choices.I.did disrespect my sister for a long time and her choices because when all of that was happening she was raising a daughter.Again, Seachica, thank you for your reply. You are verry smart and I bet you are a pretty rad person! Much Love and have an awesome day!
These two need a sex tape.
I am very sorry Anna, and I pray u have the strength and courage to leave him. How about your family? Is there none of them you can rely on to help u? My prayers and thoughts are with u.
Oh yes, I sure did! The more drama, the more he loooooves me. You know what I want in my life? I want to not be scared of being in a relationship.I want to have a little family with a little house and a yard. I want to be a housewife. I want my daughter to look at me and my husband and see what love is really like between significant others. Picket fence, carpools and date night. Pathetic, right?My grandmother once told me a relationship isn't 50/50. It is 100% for both people.
@ Agent It, I do work outside of the home.(but more importantly where's Shelly?) Thank you so much everyone. Don't worry. I just needed to get it off my chest and hear you all say, that's fucked up, you need to leave. Because it's so easy to deny, and tell myself it's no big deal, it'll be ok. I'm going to keep trying. I have options. No one knows what it's like til you're in this situation. I'm the most judgemental/caustic/loud/ outspoken/feminist I know. Its a life lesson. We all struggle with them. Whether it's addiction/abuse/relationships/cheating/overspending etc. etc. I have to go through this in order to learn and get it. I'm not done yet, and it seems like last night really shocked him. We'll see. As long as I'm commenting on here, you know I'm ok.
^^what she said. Exactly.
If you were here, you would be more than welcome here, kids and all to my crazy house.
If he is threatening you, I think you need to leave safely. If you can call a women's shelter they could give you advice about how to do that. If he manages to get himself in jail overnight, that is also an opportunity to leave. That's how I got away from my kids' father (2nd husband). He was a toxic drunk like your husband. Nicest guy, most charming, etc. when he wasn't drinking. Either he was going to kill me or the other way around. It's one of the hardest things I've done, but looking back, it was the smartest. He tried kicking me in the stomach when I was pregnant with our youngest child, and I will skip the details but he eventually ended up in jail, and I was able to piece our lives back together.
They black out, and don't remember what they've done. If he is going to be in their life, he is going to have to stop drinking forever. When you get out, it might be the scare he needs. If he wants to be a part of his kids lives he is going to have to stop drinking.
Take care, hon. I'll be thinking about you.
Maybe she was abused as a child and taught that this behavior is ok but, she's a grown woman now. She knows its wrong. She just doesn't care or she's convinced herself that he's changed. When he hurts her again, and he will because they always do, it will be because of her. She is not one of these poor women with a bunch of kids and nowhere to go. She is a famous pop star with plenty of money. This is her choice and she will need to own it when the time comes. She knew but went back anyway. I won't feel sorry for her.
Next time I won't even feel bad. Just be like oh he beat u how nice. Coffee anyone
I can say I know exactly where you are coming from. I've decided, like you, to give up on men until further notice. I literally don't have the energy. I need it for my kids. I think we've been programmed by modern culture to think that we need a man in our bed to be happy. The same goes for men.
This is a sober house now, and I wouldn't trade my peace for anything. The kids talk to their dad when he phones (if he's sober) and they have a very arms-length relationship. They just know that daddy has problems from when he was little, and that he loves them.
Go ahead and be with Chris Brown…but if he beats you up again…we don't want to hear about it. RiRi is walking into this with her eyes wide open. She obviously has no respect for herself and is extremely insecure. It's really quite sad. How can you love someone who could do something so horrible to you? Only a sick person would gravitate towards that.
AnnaI am not home right now, but I wanted to let u know u can email me any time. Try to give me a heads up on a post I have commented on because I rarely check the address posted on blogger. You need to get out of there ASAP. You don't deserve to be treated like that and living in fear. I know you feel you need to honor your marriage vows, but your life and physical/mental well-being are more important. Much much love to you
@Anna, love is being there for each other on the bad days NOT beating on each other. Please get some support, contact a shelter or refuge.Would you leave your sister / daughter / mother in this situations? If you wouldn't let them stay, you shouldn't stay.Please, please, don't become a statistic, you are too special for that, and if the person in your life can't appreciate that you are wonderful / special / worth cherishing, then they are are not the one for you.The one you love should be there to mop your tears, not create them and leaving you mopping up blood.
Thank you sharing this very personal story. I wish you and your daughter nothing but happiness!
"It's NOBODY'S BUSINESS", yet she won't SHUT UP about it.
She's an asshole, and he is a douchebag. I can't stand either of them.
While I've never been in a physically abusive relationship, I've had more than my share of emotionally abusive ones. I cannot stress this point enough: GET COUNSELING!!!!!!! I finally started counseling after my divorce when I was 40 something – went on and off for 10 years and like some of the above, didn't even date for most of that time – just didn't trust men but more so didn't trust myself. Didn't meet my lovely, non-abusive husband until I was in my late 50s and I've never regretted not dating for so long. And I owe it ALL to getting counseling. And if you don't like the first counselor you go to, try another one. Took me 3 counselors in 6 months before I found the right one for me. In the beginning I even went 2-3 times a week (not easy when you're working 50+ hours a week). An independent, non-friend counselor is the only one who can help you see the truth not only about your relationship, but about yourself, and what you need to change about yourself to be happy. It's hard, and you'll think about quitting, but stick it out. I'm so different from the person I was 20 years ago I sometimes can't believe it.
@ Anna – What county of California?
Yes, you do need to leave him, but until you can take that step, come here and talk your head off.
It will be next to impossible to get him there, but your man needs to get to AA because it sounds like drinking is a big part of the problem. You might consider recording him so he can hear sober what he sounds like drunk.
And this is for everyone (pardon me while I dust off my soapbox) I learned this years ago from a boyfriend who got all moody and pissed off when I called him a dumbass: don't call your boy/girl friend, spouse, significant other names. Ever. Just don't. It's a bad habit to get into. Names are hurtful and no one likes to be called a dumbass, bitch, asshole or worse. Keep that box CLOSED.
@Anna – thanks for sharing. Everyone has already said it better above. Know that the only thing about this situatuon you have control over is you. Put yourself first and leave. You may feel like you don't deserve happiness and freedom but you do. And do you really think a benevolent God would ask you to stay bc of vows? Your husband already broke them by hurting you. I think it's safe to RUN and make a fresh start!
@lc – again thanks for sharing your story! Forgot to properly address my other comment from above it you.
And to all the ladies, therapy is the best medicine (totally agree SusanB). It will help retrain your mind after years of abuse and let go of all that baggage. A trained professional can really help. It will be money well spent.
Ugh, it drives me CRAZY when people say Fist Brown has changed. How has he changed? He's still using his fists to solve problems, he's still having tantrums that are playing out in the media on Twitter, and he still acts totally entitled and that people should just get over the fact that he's a CONVICTED abuser.
I like Rihanna's music and I find this whole thing tragic. When I was 18, I went out with a guy – there were whispers he'd hit his ex before me, but I didn't believe it…he was too nice! Sure enough, one night he beat the snot out of me and managed to make me believe it was my fault…and like an idiot, I forgave him, sure it would never happen again. After that, I heard more and more stories and I left.
Without serious counselling, once an abuser, ALWAYS an abuser. It is built into these men who have no other methods of dealing with anger. And we all know this loser doesn't believe he has a problem.
And lc – thank you for your beautiful post. Women who have never been beaten have a hard time understanding the relationship between abuser and victim. Honestly, I feel really sorry for Rihanna.
@Anna – please leave. Please. You know he will never change. If he won't seek counselling, you must leave. If he is willing to seek counselling, there might be something worth saving of your marriage.
She must have very low self esteem, or be very desperate to get back together with him after all he did. She's clearly a beautiful, talented and rich girl who could get anybody in the world why him? She has also said in the past her father was a former drug addict who she saw abuse her mother, that's sad, the cycle of abuse will just go on and on…
Lc, not pathetic – it's out there for you, I promise. You know what you're worth now, and you will meet a guy who sees that in you and loves you for it. It sounds super cheesy, but I literally made a list of what I wanted in a man – I remember it clearly – and that man walked into my life. Ask and ye shall receive. And believe you're worthy of happiness.
Wow, what a heavy day. Thank you everyone for sharing your story, it's not easy to admit that you are in a bad relationship and it is even harder to admit that you can't leave. I know, I was there for a while and hated myself every day for it. Thank god I have moved past that part of my life and have become a stronger person.
Anna if your love for yourself isn't enough to make you leave, look at all the supporters you have on here. While we all may disagree and argue, write snarky comments and poke fun at one another, this is an online community and we spend a lot of time together every single day of the week. You may not feel like you have family in California, but you have family here that is willing to listen and help.
Document everything, record video and audio if you can, go to the police, go anywhere. When you leave, use cash so he can't find you. Pack up everything and disappear when he leaves for work in the morning, give yourself a head start and a fighting chance. No one should have to depend on posting in an online blog to prove that they are still alive and their husband hasn't beaten them to death.
LCD, I wish you & your sister all the best. Hopefully you will both break the cycle.
*waves to RQ*
I agree with you. It pisses me off to no end when people say CB has changed. When has he EVER displayed any behavior to show that? Throwing a chair through a window? Twitter wars? fights in clubs?
@ Anna: You say you're married and that you love each other. I have news for you: abuse isn't love. Your husband's behaviour isn't love. Nor is it respect and kindness and evidence maturity. No matter what he says to you after he beats you. Remember: talk is cheap. What someone DOES on a consistent basis tells you a lot more about someone's character. You say you'd rather stay than sleep in your car. I wonder when and if you will change your mind about that. You know, it's pretty old-school to stay in an abusive marriage. I think women are conditioned to be a bit of the martyr and be the long suffering wife who honours her marriage vows. Well, you know who that benefits from that crap? The husband! What does the wife get? Money and roof over your head is nothing if you don't have yourself respect and personal freedom, mentally, emotionally, and intellectually and spiritually. You might as well just lock yourself ina prison ifyou dont have that.And personally, I don't think staying in an abusive marriage is admirable, in any respet. The longer you stay, the more damaged you get and the longer it takes to recover. He gets to do whatever he wants and not ever be accountable for his behaviour. Well, to me, that sounds like having to tolerate a man who's really just being a big overgrown baby.Can you honestly say that the behaviour that your husband shows you is that of a mature, kind, and respectful adult? When and if you leave, you will find out just how damaged you have become and it'll probably be a hard lesson to learn, but also, you will also find out just how much better life can be.Sorry I'm so harsh, but I've seen a friend stay in an abusive marriage for years and I've seen the damage to her and worse, to her kids. It's been years, but they're still suffering the effects from having lived with him and frankly, their behaviour isn't all that great either. On the other hand, she looks way better than she ever has, just from not having to deal with the stress of him anymore, and she has much more control of her life, and things overall are way better.I hope you figure it out before it's too late.
Anna, big hugs from Australia. Please get out, & thank you for sharing.
@lc, thank you for sharing your story. I wish peace and happiness for you and your daughter going forward. You deserve to be happy. @Anna, I am the Bay Area, are we close? I am here, and can help find support for you going forward. Please realize you are not alone! You can get through this, I believe in you.
@Anna,I recently had to deal with a husband who asked me for a divorce out of the the blue due to a midlife crisis. I, too, struggled with not being there for him while he worked through his issues. Through my own counseling, I found that my own co-dependency was a contributing factor. You didn't cause this.You can't control it.You can't cure it.He has to want it for himself.You not setting boundaries for yourself and what kind of treatment you deserve hasn't worked so far.Do what you need to in order to be safe, and hoping for some peace for you.
@Anna – I don't know if anyone posted the number for the Nat'l DV Hotline, but it's 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) and that's an excellent place to start. I work with DV survivors and while it may seem weird and counterintuitive, we never tell our clients to just leave their abusers, period. For one, we're not allowed to, because it's a client's decision and his/her decision alone. (I know people mean well when they say this, but victims'/survivors' self-determination is a crucial thing for them to reclaim.) For another, there are usually many MANY practical considerations to think about before just up and leaving.
If I may, however, I would suggest coming up with a safety plan to begin with, and the folks at NDVH can help you with that. Many of our clients found success by beginning counseling (individual, group, or both) and then putting a plan into motion. There ARE emergency shelters and long-term shelters, though, if you are in immediate danger and you feel that you should go that route, and again, the NDVH people can direct you to those in your area.
You have a lot of support here, too, clearly. Best wishes to you, and I hope I've said something that might help.
I post some link to some version of this every time you mention Rihanna's idiotic willingness to crawl back to Chris "Pussyboy" Brown.
This is what I think now, and always will:
Go to a shelter. Yes, you can just walk out on your marriage.
Drinking "only beer" will not prevent black outs.
I don't mean to be harsh but he doesn't love you. He is proving that to you every day.
I hope you find the strength to take the first step that you clearly know you need to take.
I wish you luck.
anna, you have options, indeed, and many are willing to assist you. "Where's Anna" is my new mantra. Take care..
I just wanted to add a bit to AKM's sage advice: I have borne witness to my dad's abusive behavior and my mom's codependence my entire life. Yes, they're still married. And I know very well that no one can make the decision to leave except you. No one can convince you that this marriage is unhealthy, dangerous, not based on love. You have to come to that conclusion yourself. Or not.You might be like my mom, whom I love very much, in it until the bitter end. But I would like to tell you a couple of things I've learned in 41 years: he will not change. No matter what he says. You will have honeymoon periods after a bitter fight, where he'll promise you the moon and stars, but trust me, the anger will be back.
(Sorry, keyboard problem)
Secondly, staying in this relationship long term will destroy your health. If he doesn't kill you, the stress you live under eventually will.
As the adult child of a dysfunctional, abusive marriage, I implore you to leave, especially if you have children. Even if you don't, please love yourself enough to know that you need to save yourself.
Your husband might be damaged, might have suffered abuse himself, might need someone to take care of him, but he is the only person who can take steps to help himself.
@Anna: I was you for more years than I care to think about. It keeps getting worse, and the injuries more severe. I would leave, he would stalk me. He threatened to murder my family. Call the police, and press charges. My ex's parents are affluent, and paid a fortune in rehab and lawyer fees to keep him out of jail. It infuriated me when they would just let him go in court. I think what I really wanted/needed was to get even for all he had done to me–and I did it legally. My ex was a drug user and mid-level dealer. I told the last cop who arrested him for beating the hell out of me that from my hospital bed. He still stalked me. I introduced him to my cousin, who wanted to buy drugs from him. My family is very comfortable financially, and he figured my cousin was too. My cousin was really a cop. He went to prison for 7 years. I never went back, have never spoken to him again. It's what you have to do. I never spoke to him again. He later died from a drug overdose.
@Anna and @icYou guys had me in tears. Please Anna, please go to a shelter! You deserve better!
@Anna, look how many people here care about you! Use this as strength to get out. Honestly if I lived in California I would drive & pick you up & take you somewhere safe. I am praying for you!
They both disgust me. (Both personality wise, and their "music".)
I'll tell you why. She's(Rhianna) is afraid to be alone, and for some weird reason Chris is 'the one' she loves. She either get over him, or he will kill her. I hope it's the former. And lc, good luck to you and your sister.
Hi, guys! You may know me as Zeeky, a somewhat frequent poster, but in reality I am Beep-Quork-Zipp, from the Moon! Beep beep! I've come to Earth to sell timeshares in Moonboop Estates, only 3700 Splorks and it's yours!
Okay, that's a complete lie, and an obvious one at that. The point is, anyone can tell you anything, and unless they can prove their words, don't automatically believe them. Abusers, they say "I love you! I'm sorry, I'll never do it again!" but they beat and hit, over and over again. That isn't love, it's… ownership.
A friend of mine, she got married to an asshole, had two kids, and he beat her throughout. She stood it for a long time, until the kids got older and husband started beating the girl as well. At that point she left him, but the then-teenage son picked up where his dad left off, started beating his sister. Last I heard, the abuse had stopped, but not before the son spent a couple years in jail robbery or something like that.
Anyway, all my point is, don't believe the "I love you"s… if you're being abused, get out. Moreso if you have kids, they'll learn this behavior and may end up in even a worse situation. You may end up poor for a little while, but you can come back from poor. A beating that goes one hit too far… you won't come back from that.
@Frufra, I did the same thing! And what good advice to share. @Susan I found myself nodding along with your comment. Eventually you realize that the rollercoaster is unfulfilling. I finally realized that the real value lies in contentment.
@Anna I just saw your comment. I also live in CA, if we are near each other I would gladly take you in. The responses on this thread prove there are people here who want to be there for you! Please let us.
Anna, if you were in Michigan, you would be more than welcome to hang with me! Do you have siblings? While your mother does not want to see you, if you really told her all that is going on and how you need her, she may be of some help. Also, don't even worry about what he would do if you left. He says he'll kill you, well he could very well do it if you don't leave!
I wish we could private message on here. A huge portion of my family are social workers. While I don't know about what resources could help you in this situation, they would.
Please feel comfortable to vent away. If you would like my email, I will gladly give you it, and will help all I can. You aren't alone!
Anna: Listen to what everyone else here is saying–any man who'd actually be worth your tears won't make you cry in the first place. It takes 2 people to make a marriage work, and if one of them isn't holding up their end, the other one can't hold up all the weight without cracking. Besides, I don't think any kind of God worth believing in wants to see any of His children being abused just for the sake of maintaining their vows. Your husband already violated his vows–clearly he's forgotten the "love, honor and cherish" part, or else he'd be treating you a whole lot better, right? If he realized he has a problem and actually makes moves to do something about it (goes to counseling, stops drinking, etc.), that would be one thing, but until or unless he does that, it's just not safe for you. Please make some important phone calls and start getting ready to get out, OK?
fordellcastle – Bravo. You sound like a brave, brave person.
Gosh. This is the first time I've checked back since I've been working all afternoon/night (piano lessons do not require gossip on the Internets,thank god) – and my prayers will be with so many of you tonight who I don't even know. I hope those of you who need the help and strength to get out of your abusive situation do so, and the stories so many of you share are so inspiring.
@anna im in tears.
be strong, be safe. know you are loved here.
@Anna, you wrote "he could easily kill me…but it's better than sleeping in my car." Reflect on that please and see if it really is worth it.
Wow, I very touched how this comment section turned. Anna, I hope this here gives you the strengh to get out of that abusive relationship. And like Agent**It said it, "Where's Anna" will be my new mantra too. I hope you find a way to be in a better place. And please, whatever is your decision, I hope you comment on the post frequently, so we know you're ok. Take care!!
Hi Anna, I figured you couldn't check back in again yesterday because you were at home, but do check in today and let us know how you are.
And California is a huge state, but there are a lot of CDaN readers here. At least let us know what county you're in.
Hey Mango, just FYI Anna has said before that she changes her name a lot because she worries he'll trace the profiles back to her — putting a county on here might be a little iffy, if he does start looking around here.
Something back-channel should be set up, in case things get ugly there. It kinda sucks here that there's no private messaging and I don't know if Blogger profiles do. So here's a way to set up private contact, without it going to the wrong people:
-You set up a burner e-mail, and post the address here-Anna sets up a burner account and writes you-Since anyone could write you and say it's Anna, you give each other a different secret word: "If you're really Anna, say BOOGERS!!! in a CDaN post." "If you're really Mango, say "BURP!!! in a CDaN post."-Once you receive the e-mails, you both come back here and post your secret word, so you know the person in the e-mail is the same person on this site
Sorry to be so paranoid. I had a problem with a crazy stalker a few years ago, so I'm a little afraid of info being out there.
I would just like to be able to offer help if I can if she's anywhere near me.
@mangoCan you email me? I have an email account attached to blogger
You guys are so so so incredibly kind. Reading your comments brought tears to my eyes. I wish that I could go back and erase my long confession posts, but I can't. The little recycle bin is gone. The likelihood of him coming on here and going back through commenting sections is slim. I'm not hit every day. It's more when there's a black out that things escalate in to physical. His anger and rage are bubbling beneath the surface every day, or every other day, and he snaps and yells or gets in to a tirade that's verbal/mental. If it keeps escalating then things get thrown, etc. It sucks, it's stressful, and painful. Reading your comments did give me a valuable insight that this isn't marriage, this isn't how it's supposed to feel. It will happen again. I am going to start making plans, which I subconsicously have been doing for a long long time. And making some phone calls. I have no kids, we've only been together for a little over a year. I have to accept that it's not going to change. He doesn't want counselling, A.A, or to quit drinking. I caught him drinking a shot of liquor yesterday behind my back. So he will keep drinking hard alcohol. He will blow up again. I have to get out. I know that you guys are right. I'm just biding my time until it happens again. I will have some clothes/shoes/supplies ready in the car for the inevitable. I'll put out the bat signal on here in the comments section if my resources here fail me. My Mom would take me in if I was truly desperate I suppose. He doesn't beat me. The real danger is when he's blacked out, even then it's more shoving/slapping/throwing things, etc. Not much difference, but it's what I cling to that differentiates me from "battered" women. I live in Monterey County. I've set up a burner email at email@example.com is: RihannaYou all are amazing. I don't know what to say except thank you. He's not going to change. You all are right. It's going to always be this way. I have to leave and find myself some happiness and peace. Thanks for reinforcing that this is not normal, this is not ok, I'm not doing anything saintlike by staying, it's not about him and being there for him, this is not a marriage, this is not healthy, it's never going to change. I was thinking to myself why in the hell did I spill my guts to everyone on CDAN? the one safe place? Because after the Rihanna story, and then after Ic's sister's story, after trying to leave again the previous night I had to let it out, I wanted to hear you say I should leave. Thank you so much to all of you. I will leave. And I will be on here. I'm off on Wednesdays and Fridays, so that's why I'm not around much on those days. (With him) Thank you everyone. Thank you so so much.
@Anna-I don't know if you are aware of it, but due to domestic violence you can change your SSN. I did. You will have to have evidence of arrests/convictions, photos, etc. Next time he is out drinking, call the police and report him as a suspected DUI driver. Nail the SOB. Don't think you are 'special' as so many battered women do: He wouldn't treat another woman that way. Sick, I know. Like it's a special intimacy-and mine did have a woody sometimes when he was beating me. Super sick. He will go on to abuse others. A DUI will get him in the system. You will have a cop to help you. Reach out. They are the good guys. Get a recorder and tape him. Get proof. Use it.
AnnaI'm so sorry you're having to go through this, but I'm glad your eyes are open and you realize you don't have to stay in a bad situation. Life is too short to be unhappy, on edge and in danger
Please call the Domestic Violence hotline number AKM provided above 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), just so they can help you organize and protect yourself. We are all behind you, and are here for you
Sunny I emailed you last night but it was rather late.
Hi Mango!I replied twice this a.m. Maybe it wound up in your junk mail
My head it stuffed with cotton wool this morning.Despite a flu shot I still managed to come down with something. Hopefully just a cold.
I'd like to thank that little kid in the supermarket cart who coughed in my face last week and his mother who didn't even say anything or train him to cover his coughs. Thank you both and I hope he wets the bed until he's 17.
Zeeky you smarty pants, you're teaching me:)