Wednesday, January 16, 2013

The First Three Minutes Of The Canyons

Yeah, it is as bad as you think.

83 comments:

Ima Guillotine said...

I thought the phone was going to be in James Deen's rectum.

So, based on the NYT article, this is the performance that the director / producers thought was so magical from Lindsay?

Maja With a J said...

All I can hear is her wheezing. It's very distracting.

ethorne said...

What.The.Fuck. What a horrifying way to start a shitty movie. Is she supposed to look like a dead victim on SVU?

Vicki Cupper said...

That's where all the pubic lice went!

LottaColada said...

@LMAO, remember the NYT article said she refused to change up her make up when they asked her to? She's so delusional.

plrtz glrb said...

Why wouldn't Sundance snap this up?

ethorne said...

Yeah, but they called it Kabuki, I think it's more Dead Girl Chic.

Lynn Cloud said...

I personally loved when she almost knocked the water bottle off the desk. Such gripping cinematography and the acting is just superb. I can't figure out why this wasn't selected for Sundance.

Kara said...

HAVE YOU CHECKED THE CHILDREN??!!!

The Dude said...

WTF, I'm not sure what's worse her acting or the direction, this would even make it on a crappy never heard of cable channel, maybe NBC produced this...it's about their quality.

ethorne said...

Ita she's soooo delusional.

VIPblonde said...

The whole time I was watching this, I was thinking "Bitch can't even find her phone right!"

Spiffypaws said...

It's better than Liz and Dick.

Vicki Cupper said...

Does she have late-stage emphysema?


Poor James Deen; I hope this doesn't ruin his career.

canadachick said...

c'mon y'all that is some Oscar worthy shite right there Leave this CHILD alone( says Delusional Dina)

kgirl said...

No.words.for.that.

Sylvia said...

Is this suppose to be based on her real life (LOL)?

DewieTheBear said...

I was really expecting much worse.

Sunny said...

Quote from Michael K:
That falling water bottle was giving the most in that scene

MiVidaCoca said...

I cannot stress how much I FUCKING loooove James Deen.. Love him, cant ever convince me otherwise. (Ofc unless he fucks kids, animals or beats his ladies or children)

auntliddy said...

Well, her cowering and crying were pretty good. Deen is no actor either, and yes, direction awful. Oh well, they all tried, didnt they?

Ms Cool said...

Laughable.

Thomas said...

Yep, it's all about Lindsay's bad "knocked-over water bottle" grab. They cut it short because it was so poorly done, but didn't even go to the trouble of trying for a better take. It's like a really bad home movie.

I can't wait to see the entire thing :)

LottaColada said...

Omg I didn't remember that kabuki part, now it's even more hilarious.

Jenny said...

Does this mean that Lindsay is now competing with Kim K. for best porno video?

Thanks for making it available, but I will pass on watching it. Comments from others are worth reading though.

Sugar said...

Everyone knows that when you're trying to find your phone at a tricks house without waking them you let it ring once maybe twice. You listen for its origin and hang up. Then you go poking around in his bedside table. Lindsay knows this!!!

megan00m said...

Ill never get that time back.

SueRH said...

I was wondering why she woke up in the morning with so much makeup on.

Sherry said...

Wow- she looks almost lifelike!

Maya Sambora said...

OMG, the water bottle! The holding the phone to her ear as if someone were going to answer! Hilarious!
I think the only watchable part of this movie will be the 4 way sex scene with porn stars, Lindsey should just move on to porn Now , it's about her only option left.

rhinovodka said...

why does she even try anymore?? no one wants to see her trashy ass on the screen.

lambkin said...

She is quite the scene stealer, and by that I mean she boosted anything not nailed down from the set.

Seachica said...

Why yes, whenever I have sex at someone's house, I wake up in the morning with full makeup, hair and nightgown on.

I can't hate on the acting. She is far, FAR better than she was in Liz and Dick. Now if only they could have edited out the wheezing part.

parissucksliterally said...

horrible...

sylmarillion said...

He can't act, either.

The heavy breathing is really irritating.

So you wake up scared of your bedmate - that's what it looks like, anyway - and then you call your own phone to make sure he wakes up?

Renoblondee said...

You guys made me laugh! Now I'm going to have to watch and I wasn't going to!

LottaColada said...

This whole mess just reminded me how the writer of this fabulous movie, Bret Easton Ellis, totally shitted on Katheryn Bigelow's good name a few months back on Twitter. Ellen Barkin wasn't having any of it.

MISCH said...

The movie was made on a shoestring the publicity has been priceless...now they hope people will pay to see it...personally I'll pass...

Susan said...

Granted Bubble Guppies is on for my 2-year-old, but I kept watching thinking something was wrong with my laptop's volume.

I can't believe the NYTimes devoted their time and space to this straight-to-DVD travesty. This could easily sweep the Razzies.

KendraWM said...

My favorite part would have to be the 13 numbers she pressed, when dialing the phone.

Crystal Jones said...

After reading that article, I just feel really bad for the director.

Crystal Jones said...

BTW, were they trying to be "BLOOD SIMPLE"? Good luck with that.

January Girl said...

"This can't be my phone?" What kind of line is that?

I also like that when she's listening hard for her cell phone to ring, she puts her ear closer to the cordless. Makes sense.

lazyday603 said...

Some of the worst movies I've ever seen were based on Brett Easton Ellis stories. He is like the douchebag nation chronicler of late 20th century America. I'm sure there were nice people among the rich in the 1980's but Ellis didn't know any of them.

g.strathmore said...

This looked like one of the lower quality SyFy channel original movies. I kept expecting Sharktopus to jump up and grab her from off the catwalk.

Amy said...

At least half the reason the NYT Magazine bought that piece was because of the connection to Bret Easton Ellis. He hasn't written anything decent for a couple decades, and apparently he's an ass on Twitter. But Ellen Barkin is wrong about one thing -- Mary Harron completely destroyed American Psycho when she took it to the screen, turned it into a complete mockery of what Ellis had been doing in that book and utterly refused to deal head-on with why it so disturbed the public, just turned it into a cartoon.

ms snarky said...

@g.strathmore -

if only, my friend. If only.

Amber said...

She really needs to quit injecting things other than man gravy into her face. During her whole crying scene she looks like she's laughing.

RocketQueen said...

The real star here is that house! Gorgeous.

Redd said...

If I hadn't read the caption, I would have thought it was a very bad spin on the Walking Dead.

Dee Lurker said...

Okay: Yes, cordless thing-waaaay awkward; YES! def syfy low budget everything; Yes, lindsay still rocking that Deep Throat...

Here I go again being that girl that defends her, BUT the end part intrigued me as the role of a make-up whore, starlet wannabe, abused, and victimsied chic playing it cool, could be WONDERFULLY executed by yours hatefully (I mean her not me ;p). If he and the script delivered, I think she could've too...I'm guessing it didn't happen but prob what she thought when she read the script.

Aoife said...

I just lost three minutes of my life to watch that. James Deen might want to go from porn to main stream film. Him sleeping was better acting than LiLo wandering around calling her cell. I mean really people? And whoever said she looked like a dead vic on SVU hit the nail on the head.

UGH.

Pookie said...

this is heartbreaking on so many levels...1, argue all you want, but there was a point when LL had loads and LOADS of talent...wth did it go?! *sads* 2, that opening scene was 2 min. too long. 3, it appears to be an all-arond study in how the mighty have fallen. the director, paul schrader, used to be total GREATNESS...he f*cking wrote 'taxi driver', 'obsession', 'raging bull'...the man's work has been directed by other greats like scorcese and brian de palma. WHAT. THE. HELL. i can't wrap my head around this. the ONLY saving grace in this failure of an opus/opening sequence is that the house is spectacular--albeit w/ dirty floors (bc of course my neat freak side notices this). the rest...i just, i just...can't.

Alicia said...

James Deens blog is interesting .. He's got this childlike enthusiasm mixed with a large loaded weapon and oodles of testosterone .. It's endearing in a way. He adores his costars, kittens and food... That being said he should stick to porn. Between starring, directing and producing he should be set for life.

jax said...

Lilo never could act! Why are people surprised?? She talks every fucking line with zero emotion. Doesn't matter what movie.

We only let it pass in Mean Girls cuz the movie was funny as hell.

I enjoy Mr. Deen's other movies MUCH more for some reason.

katie said...

Flesh eating bacteria is better than Liz & Dick

jax said...

i still can't believe he's only 26!
I'm almost old enough to be his...whatever the fuck he wants me to be.

nessa said...

@lynn i couldn't watch after that, i hope someone turns that exact part into a gif lmao

HolidayinCambodia said...

The NYT story said he had done 4,000 movies. Four thousand! That's, like, Wilt Chamberlain level stuff.

But still, he's a nice Jewish boy.

lostathome said...

Her body shape looks like shit now. His acting was more convincing tha. Hers got sure

lostathome said...

*than hers for sure

ljsmed said...

Wow, just wow... This is atrocious!

artemis said...

Has anyone here even seen any of James Deen's porn? He specialises in humiliation, punishment, and gang bangs. If you're into watching a woman being thrown around by her hair, then slapped and spit on in her face then check him out.

MadLyb said...

When you're completely upstaged by a falling water bottle, your ghoulish makeup, a croaky voice and a sleeping porn star, it's time to pack it up and let an unknown with talent have a chance.

Agent**It said...

artemis, I'll pass.

Sarah said...

Yes! It's the dead girl makeup from court! Or is it abused woman makeup?

ma*betch said...

@january girl:what u said!

Sarah said...

James Peen will be okay.

Sarah said...

Sounds like a real peach

MadLyb said...

Has anyone seen the 1963 movie trilogy, "Black Sabbath"? (That band really did name themselves after this film). Lilo is starting to look like the dead lady w/the ring...

Ana said...

I read the article - isn't she supposed to be just oh-so-ahhhmazing and magical? Worst. Acting. Ever. From both of them.

JSierra said...

I can't stand movies where the main character is a dumbass. Let me call my phone repeatedly so that it rings really loudly and awakens my violent penetrater.

It's like in a horror movie where the girl hides in a closet and makes so much fucking noise breathing and crying, then acts surprised when the bad guy finds her. What did you expect?!

mngddess said...

YOU LIIIIIED TO ME!!

That was funny.

ethorne said...

Omg @JSierra, I think you meant perpetrator, but violent penetrater is lol. (Not really, you know what I mean.)

Jazzy said...

Bwahaha, yes!

Mooshki said...

I think it's hysterical that they're blaming Lindsay's legal troubles for this being turned down at Sundance. But after that article, it's clear that everyone involved thinks it was a work of art.

allthesun said...

If LiLo was talented, where did the talent go, why isn't she still talented?
James Deen is the bees knees, his porno for pirates is sexy as fuck, that house is amazeballs, I thought that my computer was on the fritz because I couldn't hear a damn thing. B.E.E. was the pooh, Rules of Attraction is a great fucking movie. The End.

Panda80 said...

Does anyone else feel like Lilo got punk'd? With all the press leaks, and the interview from behind the scenes, I almost feel like this film was made to show us what a disaster she is! I mean all of her costars are poem stars, it was filmed on a shoe string budget at the direntor's house. Odd.

Panda80 said...

Does anyone else feel like Lilo got punk'd? With all the press leaks, and the interview from behind the scenes, I almost feel like this film was made to show us what a disaster she is! I mean all of her costars are poem stars, it was filmed on a shoe string budget at the direntor's house. Odd.

AndyCane said...

So nice I had to watch it twice. Well, actually only like the first 10 seconds of it

Sophie Hunt said...

I would so watch the shit out of this film!

Yeah it looks bad - but bad in that 'OMG, can't stop watching' entertaining bad.

I would get my best friend round to watch this if it ever comes out on DVD or whatever, and we would get drunk on gin and Jagermeister, all the while laughing at Lindsay's 'acting' and making lewd comments about James Deen that would make even him - a porn star - blush.

Love ya James. You really should do more mainstream. Come to London, UK - I don't work in porn or anything but I can set up some casting coach situation in my house and we can just pretend for a bit, right? ;o)

Silly Girl said...

I watched this and am just shocked. It seems like it was supposed to be a total spoof, much like the Scary Movies. Other than that, if it were on tv, I'd probably make some popcorn and watch it. I now have a secret crush on James Deen, though, so that may be the best outcome from this movie. Actually, this movie may be remembered for introducing him to mainstream, and for nothing regarding lilo. Which would be great....

zombiecrush said...

this is totally unrealistic. no one has a HOUSE PHONE anymore. geez!