October 15, 2007
2:18a.m. It's there. Embedded in my brain. Having drunk myself to sleep in order to control my sleep apnea, a phone call at 2:18a.m was not what I needed. On the other end of the phone was EH. EH is an award winning in a relationship A list television actress and a VERY important client to the place I work. Taking 5% of EH is very nice and very lucrative and I don't think I have ever spoken five words to her. However, it seems as if her regular contact was out of town and for some reason he had left my number on his voice mail if there was an emergency.
This is not uncommon, but generally we advise each other of this in advance so as to avoid trying to see if you really can snort liquor like Prince Harry while you are on call. I actually didn't have any vodka, and the only thing that I hadn't consumed was some cooking sherry. I guess I was doing it wrong because all that happened was that it made me think of food.
Anyway, let's get back to EH. I had never heard her voice in person, but I just knew it was her. Just something about it you know. It seems that EH had been on her way to a friend's house and got stuck in the horrendous traffic jam that happened here in LA Friday night. Basically she was stuck where she was and was going to be there awhile as she had run out of gas and was stopped on the shoulder of the highway which was packed with cars for miles.
She wanted me to come get her. Why not AAA? Why not her boyfriend? AAA's lines were jammed, and her boyfriend didn't know she was going to see this particular friend. Aaaah. So, of course next on her list was her attorney, and when he wasn't around, she naturally assumed I would help her out. She needed to get out of this situation and quickly so her boyfriend didn't catch on and so all the people now getting out of their cars and talking wouldn't recognize her and start taking photos.
But how? The place the accident happened is about 30 miles from my place and from what I had seen on the news earlier had traffic backed up for about 3 or 4 miles before I could get to where she was at.
Of course I was going to help, but I knew this was going to be a nightmare. She is not the friendliest of people, but she was being actress sincere which is much different from real person sincere. I was feeling kind of rude and so I probably wouldn't have suggested it otherwise but I told her she needed to start walking back to this exit which was a few miles south of where she was. Normally it would be suicidal to walk down the shoulder and try and cross the highway, but everyone was completely stopped. Meanwhile I would park at the exit I wanted her to walk to and meet her if she wasn't there when I arrived.
Well, traffic had backed up even more since my last viewing of the news, and so I ended up having to park about 3 miles further south than the exit I told her to wait for me at. So me and my 400 pounds of fat, started huffing it the three miles to where I hope she was. Did I mention the three miles was uphill? When I got to the exit, she was there. I seriously thought she would be waiting in her car and I would have to try and find her amongst all the cars.
When I told her we had to walk three miles or so to get to my car, she said no problem. In fact she looked pretty damn cheerful. It turns out that she had been at an event earlier in the evening and they had been giving out some new kind of vodka. It seems EH had been helping herself to the vodka quite liberally during her wait on the side of the road and during her walking journey. The first bottle was almost gone. That's right, the first. She had another with her.
I had to ask her right away if she ever snorted vodka and she said no, and had never heard of it but was willing to try. Luckily, we were walking and she couldn't figure out how to snort it and all she did was spill the remainder of vodka bottle one on her clothes.
Using that as an excuse to open vodka bottle two, she would take four or five steps and then take a swig. She offered me the bottle, but I only took one swallow. Mainly I took it to be nice, and also because I hadn't brushed my teeth. Hell of a mouthwash that vodka.
She was jabbering about her boyfriend, and the sex she was going to have that night with the other guy and how the other guy was married and his wife was out of town and so they had the chance and it would probably be forever before they could do it again and how she hated all the people on her show except for one person and the only reason I could gather she liked this person was a mutual love for tuna fish sandwiches. She was tired of television and only wanted to do movies. She only wanted to do movies that were filmed in nice places though and outside of LA. She accepted and turned down roles specifically on where they were shooting and didn't care if the script was good or bad. Nice way to make a living.
She asked me about a million times about her car and if it would be ok there all night or if maybe I should stay with it until AAA could come get it, and she would figure out a different way to get home. Like I was going to sit in that damn mess all night, so I lied and said it would be fine. I was 100% sure nothing would happen to it. (It is fine)
When we got to my car, she got in and kept drinking. I advised her that it was against the law for her to drink in the car and she said," f**k it all the cops are at this accident anyway." I asked her where she lived and she told me and thanked God that it wasn't Malibu or anywhere else that wasn't on my way back home. At that point she decided to take a rest.
The seat wouldn't go back far enough to her liking so she decided to take a rest with her head in my lap. Now, I am fairly impotent at the best of times, but at this moment, my built in Viagra came to life at a very inopportune time. My fears that she would notice my two inches were drowned in snores. Here was this gorgeous A list actress with her head in my lap, and of course she is snoring.
When I got to her neighborhood I shook her awake and I could see her trying to put all the puzzle pieces together as I asked her where specifically she lived. She finally got the words to her mouth and I took her home.
There were many steps up to her door, and in my out of shape condition and her staggering there was no way we were going to manage unless I got some help. So, I went up to the door at about 530am and knocked and rang and got her boyfriend out of bed and down the stairs to help. All I said was that she had too much to drink at a party and since our firm represented her I thought it best to get her home safe and that AAA was going to take care of her car.
I don't know what story EH came up with but for her sake I hope it was close to mine.
Now, how was your Friday night?
Monday, October 21, 2013
October 15, 2007