Wednesday, November 20, 2013

It's Official - Adam Levine Has The Publicist Kneepads Loves The Most This Year

People Magazine has confirmed the worst kept secret of the past week and declared that Adam Levine is the sexiest man alive. There will be countless customers of the issue who will have no idea just how the man was chosen but will presume that People uses some scientific database similar to the BCS to determine just who is the sexiest alive. Presumably all of the finalists are brought into People's offices where they are subjected to testing such as number of chest hairs and bench press. The number of times staffers ask whether the finalist would ever consider doing porn and where they can sign up for the e-mail list to be notified.

Scientific experts are called in from all over the world to look at head size and whether they are a grower or shower and if they have hair plugs or any signs of baldness. The average customer probably wonders whether the finalists sit by their phones waiting for the call or are huddled together in prayer in the People offices waiting for the announcement and the inevitable bro hugs after the winner is announced.

Someday hopefully they will learn that the award is actually won by the publicist that Kneepads wants to suck up to the most that year and the only qualification is that the publicist has other A list clients and the winner be reasonably attractive.

44 comments:

KT said...

mmmeh

Henriette said...

I think I vomited in my mouth.

Patty said...

No. Just no.

Rosso said...

He is entirely meh to me. But as you say this award is basically just PR & whoever People can actually arrange with the publicists, not anything vaguely accurate.

Renoblondee said...

He's hot as hayell people!

Meanie Rhysie said...

*shuddering* No. Not just no, but hellllllllll no!!!

Bacon Ranch said...

I saw him on the Voice..first season (I think?). He seemed to take it seriously. No idea what he's like on it now.
It was the season where he had 2 of his people (opera style singers) do a duet of "Creep" because he wanted to see how far out of their comfort zone they were willing to go.

Now, had he wrapped up their performance by singing a rousing version of "How do you solve a problem like Maria", I would have been a fan for life.

TalksTooMuch said...

I don't wanna yuck your yum, Reno, but I think he's about as sexually appealing as a dead fish walking.

Hammer_Girl said...

How can he be the sexiest "Man" when his balls haven't even dropped judging by his voice?

KT said...

ooooh, brrrrr Hammatime!

Dena said...

Sorry, majority - I have to agree with Reno on this one.

Dena said...

Sorry, majority - I have to agree with Reno on this one.

Nutty_Flavor said...

So who is his publicist, and who else does he/she represent? We can be on the lookout for upcoming stories about them in People.

Marieeee said...

Don't care. Adam Levine is walking sex. Listen to Maroon 5's debut album, Songs About Jane. He has a sexy voice when he's not making music solely for popularity and money.

TalksTooMuch said...

I think I went off him when I saw him on SNL. He missed a note while singing and did this little hip shake shimmy to distract. Using your sexuality to cover for bad singing is only okay if you are Tom Jones and you, sir, are NO Tom Jones.

caroline david said...

Who cares? It's pure RP
FTN it's the first time that a musician is named People's Sexiest Guy

audrey said...

My vote was for Chris Hemsworth.

VIPblonde said...

This is still the sexiest man alive ;)

Dolphy said...

Blech.

Kristin said...

Guys, he's the FIRST musician to be named Sexiest Man Alive. This is going to be a cultural touchstone for 2013, the year we also got Sharknado and those "Hump Day" commercials.

(Somewhere Justin Timberlake clutches his flat iron and weeps)

Seven of Eleven said...

VIP, is that James van der Beek naked on a horse?! I love that man.

@audrey, same here, but Levine is on The Voice and NBC is pushing it hard. They pushed out my beloved Parks & Rec for two weeks to show Voice so the P&R Halloween episode didn't air until two weeks after Halloween.

audrey said...

I don't watch the Voice. My friends who do all love this guy...but he does nothing for me really. Colin Farrell is my second choice.

__-__=__ said...

Such a low standard is not even believeable. This is not even good fiction. Who's next? Beiber?

rajahcat said...

its really an off year at People magazine huh?

skinny, ratty looking musician......meh...ground breaking? I don't think.

caralw said...

I like him. :-)

boomom22 said...

I lost all respect for People years ago. Puff pieces and a depository for PR bullshit.

dawn davenport said...

all you all need to shut it cuz he is hot!!!
not sexiest man alive hot (I concur with the PR pull) but come on, he is sexy and talented. He is a good coach on the voice, but I think Christina is the best at taking the show seriously. She is the only one that actually points out the mistakes and isnt all bubble gum sugar drops "I'm such a fan! You have an amazing gift!!" BS that the other judges spew out.
/endrant/

MISCH said...

@Hammer_Girl

yes yes yes…he opens his mouth and its over

DontRainOnMyPrada said...

@Dawn Davenport--you need to get it right, it's not "all you all!" It's "all-ah-y'all." And that's obvious. ;)

califblondy said...

I was just okay with him until The Voice and now I love him.

One question though, did he get new hair?

Little Miss Smoke and Mirrors said...

This guy makes my lady parts dry up.

HimynameisChloe said...

Saw him at LAX like 6 years ago. He was the only member of the band not carrying equipment and he sat outside the doors while the band loaded up their instruments and he looked around bored waiting for people to recognize him. So gross.

LetLoveRule said...

He is just gross, gross, gross to me. I don't get it. Walking sex? More like walking STD outbreak, IMO.

Northbynorthwest said...

I don't get this sexiest diseased man alive?

Del Riser said...

I'm sorry but to me sexy does not come in a pasty white, tatted up, scrawny body with a soprano speaking voice.

PS said...

What Del Riser said.

PS said...

P.s. There is something unmasculine and wimpy about him. Somehow Beckham can pull off metro without being too effeminate (just don't let him speak). Adam misses the mark and lands in Seacrest territory. Just not sexy. At all. Sleazy, desperate, not very handsome, and just not manly.

Cee Kay said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Cee Kay said...

So, basically, three people think Adam Levine is hot and the rest of us are utterly repulsed by him. That does not equal sexy, People. Not even a little bit.

Renoblondee said...

@Cee Kay. Hey there, it was SIX dammit! ;)

Hammer_Girl said...

For what it's worth, I could find him sexy. HOWEVER, I would need a bottle of Cuervo, a ball gag, and a paper bag.

Hammer_Girl said...

Oh and the blinky mind eraser thing from MIB

Anna Katherine Nonymous said...

That picture makes me feel like I need to stop by the free clinic on the way home.

di butler said...

"Sexiest Man On The HPV Vaccine Poster At The Free Clinic" baby! Last year was Charming Tater Head, and now Herpes Walking? Birch, please.