People Magazine has confirmed the worst kept secret of the past week and declared that Adam Levine is the sexiest man alive
. There will be countless customers of the issue who will have no idea just how the man was chosen but will presume that People uses some scientific database similar to the BCS to determine just who is the sexiest alive. Presumably all of the finalists are brought into People's offices where they are subjected to testing such as number of chest hairs and bench press. The number of times staffers ask whether the finalist would ever consider doing porn and where they can sign up for the e-mail list to be notified.
Scientific experts are called in from all over the world to look at head size and whether they are a grower or shower and if they have hair plugs or any signs of baldness. The average customer probably wonders whether the finalists sit by their phones waiting for the call or are huddled together in prayer in the People offices waiting for the announcement and the inevitable bro hugs after the winner is announced.
Someday hopefully they will learn that the award is actually won by the publicist that Kneepads wants to suck up to the most that year and the only qualification is that the publicist has other A list clients and the winner be reasonably attractive.