A Letter To A Spammer

One day I just finally got tired of the spammers and I want to see what happens if anything if I write back. Well, I used my e-mail, but as you can see below, provided some unusual contact information for myself.

First, the letter to me

Assalamualaikum Warahmatullah Wabaratuh

Mrs Gift Clement
From Solomon Island
Near Australia
Avenue 12
Private Email; gift_clement2000@yahoo.co.jp

Hello my dear ,

Good day and how are you doing with your family? Hope fine. Please let this message do not be a surprise to you because i got your contact information and lay all the trust in you before i decided to disclose this confidential and successful transaction to you. I am Mrs Gift Clement from Solomon Islands near Australia. I am married to Mr.William Clement from Kuwait who worked with Kuwait Embassy in GUINEE for nine years before he died in the year 2001.

We were married for eleven years without a child. He died after a brief illness that lasted for only four days. Before his death we were both born again Christian.

Since his death I decided not to remarry or get a child outside my matrimonial home which the Bible is against. When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of $4.5 Million in a bank recently, my DOCTOR told me that I would not last for the next Eight months due to cancer problem. Having known my condition I decided to donate this fund to a church,organization or good person that will utilize this money the way I am going to instruct here in. I want a Muslim or church,organization or good person that will use this fund for orphanages, widows, propagating the word of God and to endeavor that the house of Allah/God is maintained.

l took this decision because I don't have any child that will inherit this money and my husband relatives are not Christians not even good at all because they are the one that killed my husband in other to have all my late husband prperties and I don't want my husband's efforts to be used by unbelievers. I don't want a situation where this money will be used in an ungodly way.

This is why I am taking this decision. I am not afraid of death hence I know where I am going. I know that I am going to be in the bosom of the Lord.Exodus 14 VS 14 says that "the lord will fight my case and I shall hold my peace". I don't need any telephone communication in this regard because of my health hence the presence of my husband's relatives around me always. I don't want them to know about this development. With God all things are possible. As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the contact of the Bank. I will also issue you an authority letter that will prove you the present beneficiary of this fund.

I want you and the Musilem or church or the organization to always pray for me because the ALLAH is my shephard. My happiness is that I lived a life of a worthy Christian.Whoever that Wants to serve the Lord must serve him in spirit and Truth. Please always be prayerful all through your life.Please never disclose this convenant to anyone ok

When your respond to this mail kindly send to me all this informations below as to proof that you will not betroy me:

A,Your complete names
b.Your house address
ca.Company name if any
d.Private telephone number
e.Private fax number
f.Private email address
g.Your brief profile
h.Your Photograph
I. Your bank account.

and any delay in your reply will give me room in sourcing another church,organization or good person for this same purpose. Please assure me that you will act accordingly as I Stated herein.

NB: Please do keep the confidental of this transaction for my funds security reason otherwise i will look for another perosn right? Once again, remember to always been in your computer because delay is not good for my health i can die any day so you should get back to me as to forward your information to my bank so that they will transfer these funds before i die.

Thanks and Remain blessed in the Lord.

Mrs Gift Clement

My reply

Hello Gift,

Thanks for writing. My family is doing well although I guess life isn't going so well for you right now. Tough break about you and your terminal cancer. Well maybe it will be like Joe vs The Volcano thing. I can't believe you found my contact information and managed to write. How did I get so lucky as to have you contact me and no one else in the world. I guess walking away from the craps table the other night is being rewarded. I'm so lucky you found me, and I promise I won't tell a soul about you and your approaching death.

I'm sorry to hear that your husband died after a brief illness caused by the rest of his family attempting to kill him. It must suck to have to spend 24 hours a day with them now. Do they try and kill you? What's their favorite way to try and kill you? Do they party? They are obviously not Christians/Muslims and don't believe in God/Allah, but I'm glad to see you are so politically correct when it comes to that.

What if I'm Jewish, are you okay with that? You don't have anything against Yarmulkes do you? What about if I'm gay? Can gays get married in the Solomon Islands?

It sucks that your husband died in 2001 and you haven't been able to blow through all that money. Good for me though huh? I sure could use that $4.5M. Because you and I are so close Gift, I don't mind letting you know that I live in a basement and could use some plastic surgery. I know, I know, and I promise I won't go all Ellen Barkin on you and just waste it trying to regain what I used to be which really wasn't all that much to begin with.

I also have some debts. Well, lets be honest, some big debts. I lost a great deal of money betting on the first season of Project Runway and tried to get it all back that year on Survivor. Damn Jeff Probst. I know he rigs that game.

Anyway, after I catch up with alimony and child support payments, I should have some of the $4.5M left and will throw up a little plaque next to the place they keep your cremated ashes.

You don't really talk about it, but since you don't have any friends or family, why don't you come stay with me. It's just a basement but sometimes there's air conditioning, and with your dough if you want we could go get a hotel room or something until you die. I promise to get you the best urn money can buy when you do die.

Below is my contact information and hope to hear from you soon. (Hopefully Ted won't be too pissed)

Ted Casablanca
5750 Wilshire Boulevard, Los Angeles, CA 90036
E! Online
323-692-4880
tedc@eonline.com

I am a multimedia talent, I dish up a heap of Hollywood hijinks on E! News every Thursday and again on the show's weekend edition. And come awards season, I can often be found reporting live from the red carpets of the Golden Globes, Oscars and Emmys.

Prior to joining E! Online, I spent nine years at Premiere, the monthly film magazine, where I conceived the Awful Truth. At Premiere, my celebrity coverage included features and stories on Jim Carrey, Val Kilmer, Robin Williams, Sophia Loren, Madonna and Elizabeth Taylor. Before that, I worked for Rolling Stone and Esquire magazines.

I've served as E! Online's correspondent on E! Entertainment Television's The Gossip Show, along with Liz Smith, Army Archerd and Marilyn Beck, among others. I'm a regular contributor to E!'s flagship series The E! True Hollywood Story and numerous E! Specials.




Write me back for my bank account information.