I Feel Dirty And Dumb

Although I'm sure those words frequently escape the lips of Denise Richards, she was actually not involved in this little escapade of mine on Wednesday night. No, I brought this all on myself. See, as much as I have trashed the Kardashian reality show as well as Dina Lohan's show, I had never actually seen either. Turns out that I hadn't missed much.

My initial plan was just to watch Dina's show, but first I had to sit through The Whore's Family as I like to call it. Actually, that does kind of a disservice to The Addams Family, but what the hell.

So, I caught the last ten minutes of the calendar episode. Now, granted I didn't actually see the entire episode so I may just be doing too much presuming. But, from what I gathered, Kim's boyfriend Reggie Bush has apparently been living under a rock and hadn't seen Kim's porn tape or seen her naked or didn't feel like she was quite the whore she pretended to be so she gave him a calendar of herself naked, but covered with various household objects.

Kim's mom wanted to make a buck off the calendar, and Kim seemed offended because it was private and just for Reggie. Meanwhile at the end of the show Kim is ecstatic to know her calendar is hanging on the wall of the New Orleans Saints locker room. Classy.

In the second episode, Kim and her siblings fly to New Orleans where a family of Hurricane Katrina victims "just happened" to introduce themselves and allow for Kim to make beauty queen statements about how much people suffer. How did this chance meeting occur? Well from what I gathered, the production team went around town to find someone who was a victim and who could actually stand to be in the presence of the Kardashians. Notice if you TiVo'd it, that security is keeping everyone away from Kim and the Kimettes yet somehow this poor devastated family is allowed to come near and beg for a favor. The Queen Whore granted it.

Meanwhile, back at the homestead, Bruce Jenner gets excited at the possibility of having sex with Mama Kardashian. It was at that point that I was glad the Supreme Court made it easier for me to purchase a handgun in the city of Los Angeles.

By the time Dina Lohan's show came on, I had given up any pretense of actually pouring the liquor into a glass and was just sucking it straight from the bottle. I didn't actually think it was possible to be dumber than Dina, but her brother is racing her to the bottom. Good god they are idiots. Their mom is smart though and must wonder how in the hell the hospital gave her the wrong kid twice.

Meanwhile, the kids. In this "reality" program we are expected to believe that each of the siblings first knocks on their other sibling's bedroom door, identifies themselves and then waits for permission to enter. I can only assume this practice was begun so mom and Lindsay could hide their stashes before the other kids came in. It is also BS because any teenager is not likely to knock, and is sure as hell not going to wait to be granted admission before bursting in.

So after all this fake politeness we had Ali and Cody discussing what they could do special for their other brother. This is their conversation.

Cody - We should do something nice

Ali - What do you suggest?

Cody- How about a lovely dinner?

Ali - Oh, that would be special.

Ali - Who would cook it?

Cody - I hope you would, but of course I will help

Ali - That is such a great idea and you are so sweet.

Conversation at a typical house

Brother - We should do something nice

Sister - Who the hell said you could come in my room?

Brother - Shut up

Sister - No you shut up

Brother - F**k off. I'm telling mom that you snuck out and got drunk

At the end of this night of frivolity, I cried myself to sleep like a baby and begged for the pain to go away. I then told myself that I couldn't let all of you down. Sunday night I will do the unthinkable. I am going to watch Denise Richards' show. I know, I know. I'll wash thoroughly before and after.