This is just great. Not only is Crotch Uh-Lastic, whom you all met last week—-and whom I could have sworn it would be at least a few weeks before we all said hullo to again—really does have his brains stuffed deep inside his paramours’ overly tight swimsuits. See, the big-screen idol, whose pics make all kinds of bucks because their themes are all so brilliantly multiplatform, is doing things just like Toothy Tile. Now that word’s just beginning to get out that Crotch loves to lure "straight" men back to his Hollywood pad and have them don all sorts of skimpy swimwear (just so CUL can slowly take it right off), Crotchy-poo’s pullin’ an emergency Toothy!
Suddenly, Crotch's rarely seen (female) significant other is out at events more. Suddenly, the S.O.'s mentioned in media interviews. Suddenly, the S.O., who’s more East Coast based, is in Hell-Ay! None of this happened until more than just days prior to last week's baddy Blind, believe me. Oh, and then—quite the opposite—gone missing are Mr. U.L.’s previously very homo-friendly statements to the press. It’s all so Rock Hudson, really. Or Toothy Tile, as I said before. Now, a word to the surreptitious swim fan: T2, even though a surprisingly large amount of folks are buying this ersatz domesticity you're pulling off so well in the tabloids and such, it ain’t gonna work with you, bro. At least, not while you’re having nooky delivered to your house in limos. At least Tooth keeps it somewhat discreet with the BF!
ISN'T THIS BLIND FROM 8/8 ?
ReplyDeleteHow could Ted say TT is discreet? Isn't it TT who loves doing it in public places?
ReplyDeleteOther than that, I got nuthin'
Will Smith?
ReplyDeleteDidn't someone say yesterday that this was James Franco? Does he have a gf? I've never paid much attention to him.
ReplyDeleteBlondy, I think Ted changes his feelings about Toothy depending on his mood. And Ted is very moody. :)
huh?
ReplyDeletesomeone please translate....i'm tired of this s***
I'm so sick of Ted and his pantheon of closeted gays with idiotic nicknames. I really, really, really am.
ReplyDeleteHey Ent.,
ReplyDeleteAny way you could use more descriptive titles and labels so the people who hate Ted C blinds could just scroll past them?
Vis, it says "Ted C Blind Item". How much more descriptive can Ent be with this title?
ReplyDeleteEnty can you please just whip up a new blog with all the stuff people whine about so as to not inconvenience them by having to scroll down?
ReplyDeletethanks, kisses!
Franco and his girlfriend:
ReplyDeletehttp://tinyurl.com/5zan5p
More confirmation that TT is JG.
LOL @ Jax and ms.!! Seriously.
ReplyDeleteZac Efron? Are his movie themes "multiplatform"? He doesn't seem to mention Vanessa much in the press, either.
ReplyDeleteOH MY GOD!! HOW could you answer blind items when it is BEN AFFLECK'S BIRTHDAY!!!!
ReplyDeleteWe need a special comment section and we need to throw a party together right now!!! I'll put up the food and booze lists. And I don't want to see...
FOOD LIST: brownies
BOOZE LIST: vodka, rum, beer, wine, gin whiskey, hooch, wine coolers, burbon, lots more vodka, etc.
Jake-y boy and Reese - she's east coast and he's definitely toothy!
ReplyDeleteHOLY CRAP!!! Yes, we must throw an Affleck party immediately!!! Are you sure about the brownies? I have a killer s'more brownie recipe. I'll get some helium balloons so we can inhale and talk in funny voices. PARTAYYYYY!!!
ReplyDeletewait--we need strippers! don't forget the strippers!!
ReplyDeleteCan anyone out there contact Ben for us??!! This is important!
I bet JLO will be dragging her ass around today all pissed off!!
By the way--is there anyone who will volunteer to make these blind items more understandable?? maybe translate into English for those of us who confuse easily? anyone, Beuller, Beuller?
ReplyDelete100% James Franco
ReplyDeleteJames Franco has always been West Coast based...I think most people last week concluded this was the kid from 3rd Rock from the Sun.
ReplyDeleteThis is definitely Joseph Gordon-Levitt-
ReplyDeleteHe has homes in both New York and LA and his grandfather directed Pillow Talk-how very Rock Rudson!
Adrian: we TOTALLY need strippers. For the Boston Cream Pie. It's Assfleck's birthday, afterall. A holiday on the CDAN calendar!
ReplyDeletelots of beans--he is from beantown!
ReplyDeleteSo--what are we getting him? After all the crap we throw at him, we should do SOMETHING!
does ted c ever do reveals. i think it is james franco, bad hygiene...for toothy....i don't know who this guy is. maybe jake?
ReplyDeletedoes ted c ever do reveals. i think it is james franco, bad hygiene...for toothy....i don't know who this guy is. maybe jake?
ReplyDeleteDon't forget the hoochies for Ben's party. Strippers aren't quite enough ;-)
ReplyDeleteTed C. has done a couple of reveals, but they're rare. Toothy he hasn't specifically revealed, but he's indirectly confirmed it's Jake.
ReplyDeleteTranslation: CU-L is a movie actor who is secretly gay. He has a beard (a pretend girlfriend to hide the fact that he's gay). CU-L has been openly inviting men over to his place for sex. Now he's afraid he's going to get outed, so he called up his beard and asked her to come to LA to be seen in public/tabloids with him to stop the rumors. Ted says that it's not going to work unless he becomes more discrete with his boytoys.
The swimsuit references: apparently his thing is to have the guy come out to the pool, take off his clothes and put on a swimsuit, then CU-L comes out and seduces him. CU-L can't get it up otherwise.
Original CU-L item said he's a lot like Toothy (Jake) in looks and career. He likes to pick up men who are nominally straight. CU-L is bicoastal, so that may be where his "girlfriend" is coming from.
Line that almost makes up for the rest of Ted's nonsense: "busy trying to get a modeling/acting/smoldering-look career going" (that's in regard to one of CU-L's hookups, not CU-L himself).
Since we can't all be together tonight, how about we rent Gigli, put it on at a designated time, & make fun of him in soldarity?
ReplyDeleteForgot the "nots:" Tobey Maguire, Topher Grace, Matthew McConaughey, Ryan Gosling (when Ted nixes RG, he says CU-L also has dimples), Ryan Phillippe, The Rock (wtf?!), Matthew Broderick or Piddly Diddly.
ReplyDeleteAdrian, can we PLEASE watch "Good Will Hunting" instead? PRETTY PLEASE?! Or, hell, any single other Affleck movie? :)
ReplyDeleteThe guy from last week who likes to invite men to his home and have them try on swimsuits that he can later take off, is now attempting more discreet (like Toothy).
ReplyDeleteNow, suddenly the guys girlfriend who is based on the East Coast, is spending time in LA, going to events, being mentioned in interviews. And the guy is no longer making gay-friendly remarks to the press. He's still having boys delivered to his house in limos so Ted thinks he's still gonna be outed soon.
Much better.Thanks.
ReplyDeleteGood Will Hunting was a good movie--we need something that we can make fun of him, otherwise what's the point?
I still get a gay vibe from Matthew McConaughey. I vote him for the swimsuit guy (not for Toothy Tile). His babymamma's been all over the place with him lately, and you hardly saw her before.
ReplyDeleteI agree with ms snarky--something strange about MM.
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ReplyDelete"I agree with ms snarky--something strange about MM."
ReplyDeleteThat would probably be the mind-boggling amounts of pot.
MM may give off a gay vibe, but he is so irrestibly attractive in the movies. Something very yummy about him, even though he was naked and playing bongos with another guy.
ReplyDeleteNow back to the party -- those brownies sound great, and Good Will Hunting is a good choice. What kind of cocktail would go with all of this??
Hay guize!
ReplyDeleteI know y'all don't know me 'cause I lurk more than post, but it's my birthday too! I'm so stoked to find out it's Ben's as well!
Happy Birthday Ben!111!!
shots and beers for Ben, what else?
ReplyDeleteMeanwhile I'll be sipping a nice white wine. Clearly I'm not at Ben's party!
I don't care what anyone says, I can't shake the feeling that Matty likes the boys. I am never wrong!
ReplyDelete(that chardonnay must be kicking in!)
"See, the big-screen idol, whose pics make all kinds of bucks because their themes are all so brilliantly multiplatform..."
ReplyDeleteEasy. Orlando Bloom. See: recent tabloid photos on nude beach with Victoria's Secret model; starring in Pirates and LOTR both with video game and other merchandise; past comments about Sir Ian's sexuality not bothering him.
Guys...cmon...It is Joseph Gordon Levitt...you can all stop guessing! He practically gave it away with the Rock Hudson thing!
ReplyDeleteIn regards to Ben:
ReplyDeletehttp://www.awfulplasticsurgery.com/archives/000247.html
sorry ms. snarky im never worng about the gays either and MM does not tickle my gaydar at all. he's a hemp loving hippy is all.
ReplyDeletehonest mistake.
jax -
ReplyDeleteI'm tellin' ya. it's there.
uh, how the hell could it be Joseph Gordon Levitt? CUL is a big screen idol who's movies make all kinds of bucks...JGL is hardly an idol and he makes indy films.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like Will Smith to me...does Jada spend most of the time on the East Coast?
I dunno - Jax's Gaydar is remarkably accurate - her radar room resembles an air traffic controller's work room.
ReplyDeleteHey Jax you should make that a weekly feature on your blog.
ReplyDeleteJAX's GAYDAR - you could feature one person each week who's blipping your gaydar and why.
It is my birthday today too C17. Happy birthday to you and to Ben!
ReplyDeleteI concur w whoever said Orlando Bloom (although I originally thought it was Mateo too)
ReplyDeleteBut I don't know who OB is "dating" these days
I dunno about Orlando Bloom, I haven't been seeing him a lot out with Miranda Kerr...didn't Ted mention that there have been pictures?
ReplyDeleteI like the MM guess. But what about Adrian Grenier?
My first thought was James Franco. There have been rumors about him for a long time. However, the Orlando guess seems to fit quite well. Miranda Kerr is NY-based, but didn't they break up a while ago?
ReplyDeleteit's shia.....
ReplyDeleteMiranda Kerr is Australian and she's been down under for the past month or so doing the new David Jones line and catwalks and stuff. She's been all over the news down here. Plus I'm pretty sure her and Orlando broke up.
ReplyDeleteDefinitely think this is James Franco... the blind says his significant other is rarely seen so I'm thinking someone who is not that famous in her own right.
bookjacket, your Orlando Bloom argument is excellent except that his career is over, so he has nothing left to protect. Bloom is the male Gretchen Mol, an empty husk who was shoved down our throats and once we realized the emperor had no talent, we rejected him. He needn't be faking us out with beards, as no one cares anymore what he does.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure I buy into the James Franco argument (he hasn't done enough yet to be a superstar), but I'm sure it's not Orlando Bloom. Two years ago, I'd have excitedly agreed with you. Now I vehemently don't. Unlike most others, though, you at least made an excellent argument, paid attention to the clues, and didn't throw out a random name!
Wasn't there a bit about Tom Cruise having to act out a scene with straight guys that was an elaborate set up - the guys had to agree to wrestle with him or model something or whatnot, and the whole homosexual encounter had to occur as if it was a natural progression of more innocent events? I don't remember where I got this - but this triggered a whole Tom Cruise memory for me -
ReplyDeleteCertainly a big screen idol, box office bank, and he has a more predominantly east coast based wife right now - and this past week has been a flurry of Tom, Katie & Suri pix after a lull . .
Okay, I'm probably trying to hard to make it Tommy, but it is setting off my red flags
I'm probably WAYYYYY off the mark. But after reading some tidbit about ScarJo, I thought of Ryan Reynolds. He's West Coast, and she's mainly East. Haven't seen them together in a while, then a picture last week. I don't know, maybe just a lame guess. Joseph Gordon-Levit is a good guess though, in Feb. he was at a Rufus Wainwright concert and it doesn't get much gayer that that.
ReplyDeleteApparently there were recent photos published of Bloom and Kerr frolicking naked on a Spanish beach (see WENN story June 25.) And now a breakup is denied, blah blah blah. (Causing more hetero news stories.)
ReplyDeleteThe mismanagement of Bloom's career has been a byword since Ian McKellan brought it up in LOTR interviews--but that doesn't mean Bloom has quit the business or that those whose incomes are tied to his aren't hard at work bolstering his image as a romantic hero. Case in point, he's been in the columns today for a new starring role with Liam Neeson.
Arch Nem, I'd buy that except that I don't think Alanis would ever be a beard.
ReplyDeleteBrenden Fraser. Multi-platform movies (video games (Mummy), 3d, George of Jungle was a cartoon), up-and-coming for a long time, dimples, recently divorced so single.
ReplyDeleteWho's he supposed to be dating?
Ace Tomato,
ReplyDeleteThe new spate of TomKat pics is to show how he isn't "bothered" by Paula Wagner finally walking out on him.
Didn't that gay porn actor who was sued by Cruise tell that wrestling story?
Ice Angel - Joseph Gordon Levitt? What multi-platform stuff is he doing? Nice of you to try and create a buzz about him, though.
Someone asked Ted C. if CUL was Josh Harnett and his reply was "So close (much more so than Mr. H. would like, I’m sure). But alas, wrong dude. Think more talented. By, like, a lot." He did Black Hawk Down with Orlando Bloom. Could OB be CUL? His movies are generally multi-platform, as others have noted, with LOTR and Pirates of the Caribbean both going to video games....
ReplyDeleteThought of something else that makes me think OB as well - Ted C says "So Crotch, like a lot of his hetero counterparts in this Biz, is all wrapped up in fantasy." Could be a reference to the same films I mention above. But has he done enough "artier" films...?
ReplyDelete