I was fortunate enough to be invited to the Shakespeare Festival of LA's fundraiser "kegger" at comedian Adam Carolla's Malibu estate. Now, being the woman of class that I am, I haven't attended anything with the word "keg" in the title since I was 19. (oops, sorry mom and dad, I mean 21!) But, given that this event's ticket prices ran from $150 to $2500, it sounded like my type of crowd: old and rich.
It was a beautiful sunny California day that was perfect for beer and hot dogs. I walked into the event and was greeted by the fabulous view, seen below. Who knew talking about herpes and juggies paid so well?
The event started about an hour before the actual stand up performances began. Mr. Carolla has quite a bit of land so before checking out the BBQ I headed down to grab myself a chair so I'd be front and center for the actual comedy.
As you can see, before the comedians started they had a band performing by the name of Taxi Wisdom. The only wisdom I can impart to the band is: don't quit your day jobs.To prevent my ear drums from splitting I headed back upstairs to check out the food and, one of my favorite things, the real estate. (no, that's not a metaphor for the men in attendance, surprisingly.) Apparently Adam Carolla makes a heck of a lot more money than I would've ever guessed because his house is gorgeous.
The lovely Lynette Carolla may be my new inspiration. She's gorgeous, gracious, stylish, and, married to a very rich man. Though, let's be honest, Adam would not be the great success that he is without the help of a great woman such as Lynette. See what I mean? 
And yes, that IS Jay Leno standing behind her. More on him in a minute.While attempting to find something that I would actually eat (ahem, Carli does NOT eat processed pig parts and ground meat, even if they ARE free!) I ran into Patton Oswalt in the VIP guest house. He, unsuccessfully, tried to talk to me into eating a burger, doing his best Vanna White impression to try to seduce my tastebuds.
When that didn't work he appealed to my vain side by telling me that maybe I would get salmonella, which is the best diet anyone could ask for. Oooh that man knows how to talk dirty. Fortunately, I had just spied the mountain of cupcakes and dove into those instead.
While stuffing my face with frosting I spied Adam Carolla wandering amongst the crowd.
This was my reason for coming. I adored him on Loveline, abhorred the Man Show, and fell in love with him again when I discovered his radio show. (I wonder if CBS Radio is sick of my daily strongly worded letters they have been receiving since February when they made the stupid decision to change the format of their LA station and take Adam off the air.)I patiently waited while two women accosted Adam and asked him where Dr. Drew was. Not there.
I swooped in to rescue him because I had a burning question for him. (and no, not a Paris Hilton when she goes to the bathroom kind of burning) On his radio show Adam had a segment called "What Can't Adam Complain About?" I was never able to get through but I was convinced that I had the answer to that question: an orgasm. I presented my theory to him but of course, Mr. Carolla had an answer ready for me: "it's messy." Curses, foiled again!! No wonder he's the one making the big bucks and I'm hatching theories in my condo.Finally it was time for the comedy to start. On my way down to my seat I ran into Bob Saget, whom I still refuse to believe is a different person from the "Lean, Mean Cleaning Machine" Danny Tanner that he played on Full House. He quickly shattered that illusion by leaning closer than necessary to get a nice glimpse of my cleavage. Before I realized what he was doing I was able to get a nice shot of him
I love a rich man, but I can't shake the mental image of him immediately jumping out of bed post coitus in order to Lysol the premises so even I was not going to go there. Oh Danny Tanner, your fictional persona has ruined a possible lucrative future for me.
The show began with a brief introduction from Adam where he thanked the sponsors.
The crowd was told that Waste Management was one of the companies helping to support the event. Oh the myriad of jokes that could be made here.First up was Jeffrey Ross, wearing a pair of pants I've seen in a J. Crew catalog but never believed anyone actually bought them.
He joked about his stint on Dancing With the Stars, insulted a few of the members of the crowd, sang a love song to his cat, and thanked Waste Management for making his career possible.
Next up was Bob Saget. I'd never seen him perform but I'd heard he had a filthy mouth. Seems he decided to keep it R rated for the charity event, which I'm sure the Shakespeare Festival was grateful for. He started to tell a story about his daughters but the punch line was about "DJ, Stephanie, and little Michelle." I'm a sucker for a good Full House joke so I found this hilarious. He then sang a song about something peppered with sexual innuendo and then he was off.
Next up was a guy I'd never heard of, Jim Norton.
Although he looks like an angry little man, the guy flew himself in from NYC to perform at the event, for which he wasn't paid, which I was impressed by. He also flew in his trashy girlfriend, whom I was not impressed by. In his act he did a bit about her lack of dirty talking skills which was funny. Given her appearance I would've guessed that she currently made a living talking dirty but hey, what do I know?
Up next was Patton Oswalt.
He apparently just had a baby a few weeks ago and made some jokes about correcting the doctor's Wolverine reference while in the delivery room. Lovable dorky humor, I like it.Jay Leno was scheduled to take the stage after Patton but he was running late. Apparently one of his many cars is not the Batmobile and he was stuck in traffic on the PCH like us mere mortals had been in on our way to the event. Adam filled the time with a bit about how he and Queen Latifah were on The Tonight Show together once. He talked about some construction tool with the word "dike" in it and she apparently thought he was referring to her. Hilarity ensues.
Finally the man of the hour arrived, Mr. Jay Leno himself!
He did a few jokes but mostly was there to conduct the charity auction. First up? An invitation to sit in studio while Adam recorded one of his podcasts. Jay nailed it when he said, "ooh. Sitting in a dark basement with Adam Carolla. I'll start the bidding at $2!" There were various other items auctioned off including a tour of Adam's garage. Apparently he is a car aficionado. This of course prompted someone in the crowd to yell "Hey Jay, how about a tour of YOUR garage?" which is legendary. He agreed to that on the spot. There was quite the bidding war for that one, with the top bid being $4500. I frantically looked around for the gentleman who could afford to blow that much money on an afternoon and to my dismay, it was a woman!! I mean, more power to her and someday I hope to be able to bid like that, just doesn't help my cause of marrying rich. Anyway, Jay proved to be the definition of charity by accepting her bid, PLUS inviting 2 other people with bids of $3000 and $2500 on the tour in order to raise more money for the Shakespeare Festival. He is a rare class act in Hollywood.Not quite the class act was the aforementioned girlfriend of Jim Norton.
While waiting to try to get my picture taken with Jay (read: seduce him) I was listening to her conversation with some fans of his. Apparently they met at a show and she is from Jersey City. Wait....I know I have it here somewhere where.....oh there it is: my shocked face. Now my mother's side of the family is from Jersey and I do adore it, but this girl embodied all the awful stereotypes of the place. Her dress was so tight you could see her uterus. (which, much to her dismay, I'm sure, was empty. A fact I'd bet my Louboutins she is furiously working on before Jim meets another groupie)
Jeffrey Ross has done much better in the women department. His girlfriend was cute and classy-ish. (though showing a bit too much cleavage, or lack thereof, for my taste)
Much like Jersey City, she clung to him whenever he was around and wouldn't let him out of her sight. Good girl. Looks like someone is on the Carli-husband-getting fast track. I approve.Performances done, cupcakes eaten, and Bob Saget starting to get a little tipsy and grabby made it a good time for me to call it a day. Thanks again to the Shakespeare Festival for the invite, Adam and Lynette Carolla for opening their home, and the cupcake lady for her addictive frosting. The event truly was the highlight of my weekend, even if all the men in attendance seemed to have been bought the pricey tickets by their parents. Oh well, my search continues! Happy Memorial Day to all!