GOOP Is Back!!
Each week I read GOOP religiously but the blurbs from Gwyneth Paltrow have been just that - blurbs. Then today it happened. Gwyneth decided she needed to tell us about her cleanse for this year. Apparently all of the cleanses she has tried in the past were not good enough because she has something brand new.
This year we are all invited to join her on a juice fast. I know, I know, I looked to see if it included tequila or rum or something, but alas it doesn't.
For all of us resolution detoxers who want to start the year anew, I have asked Doug Evans and Denise Mari, co-founders of New York City’s fantastic Organic Avenue to contribute his knowledge. I discovered Organic Avenue a few years ago through a girlfriend who was about to do one of their fasts, and I joined her on the 5 day program. The result was pretty amazing and the juices and smoothies (esp. the coconut mylk and the cacao smoothie) were so delicious that I imbibe them whenever I’m in NYC. They make a cleanse easy with different degrees of gnarlyness and home delivery if you are in manhattan. If you aren’t, like me, Denise Mari, the juice guru has given us some recipes for a DIY fast.
LOVE*
Don't you just love how she loves us? It turns out though that LOVE is actually just an acronym for live organic vegan experience. That isn't what I would call love. It sounds like something that will make me grab for a Twinkie really quickly. In her note she mentions mylk. Now, I don't know if this is some special kind of milk, or Gwyneth just types as fast as me. I'm guessing her editors didn't know either and were too scared to ask her despite her love so they left it in. I wouldn't be surprised if it isn't some kind of fake milk, but you just never know.
You can click here for the plan. The first thing I noticed is that unlike her Master Cleanse from last year this one is really, really pricey. When Gwyneth sheds weight she goes for the high end.
In order to do her cleanse you need to buy pHour salts ($40), aloe vera juice ($30), chlorophyll - $16 (or just suck on some plant roots I always say), Doc Broc's Green Powder ($94), and juices which cost about $400 for the five day program. There are a couple of other things mentioned also, so if you have $600 for 5 days you too can look like Gwyneth.
I recommend buying some V-8 ($20) and mixing it with tequila ($20), and your five days will be more fun. Sure, you might not lose weight, but hey, it's only January. You still have plenty of time to lose weight.
Might as well change the diet name to POOP after drinking all that GOOP.
ReplyDeleteI'm gonna try your "cleanse" Enty. But I'm going to add milc (powdered milk and Gold Bond foot powder) to it. :)
ReplyDeleteV-8 and Tequila. Now that's MY kind of cleanse. I like the way you think Ent.
ReplyDeleteDid she effin' use the word "imbibe"??? I think she wants people to have to look up words in a dictionary whenever she bestows her words of wisdom on us lowly serfs.
ReplyDeleteWhat a pretentious snot.
V8 costs $20 wher eyou are, Enty? Remind me to never buy groceries in CA!
ReplyDeleteGwyneth is gonna bankrupt her hangers-on.
I think I just gooped my pants.
ReplyDeleteI've never had a bloody maria.
ReplyDeleteKristen, it must be the 20 year old single cask V-8...
ReplyDeleteKristen S., 5 days worth for a heavy drinker.
ReplyDeletechlorophyll????? more like BOREaphyll!
ReplyDeletecan't miss a chance for a billy madison reference
SHE IS INSUFFERABLE ....POOR CHRIS, NEVER THOUGHT THOSE WORDS WOULD FALL FROM MY MOUTH....
ReplyDeleteNOTE TO CHRIS MARTIN****CHRIS IT'S WORTH HOWEVER MUCH YOU HAVE TO PAY TO UNLOAD HER....DO IT FOR YOUR MENTAL HEALTH***
I have always wanted to try the Master Cleanse, but Enty's recipe sounds much better. I used to drink V8 Splash with Vodka as my cocktail of choice in college because I thought I was at least getting my serving of veggies with my booze.
ReplyDeleteYeah, don't forget to buy the water ionizer from Sam's Club for $1800... Goopy should have checked with a nutritionist or health advisor first: http://www.drweil.com/drw/u/QAA98873/Does-Alkaline-Water-Promote-Health.html
ReplyDeleteI don't want to offend a diet guru, but could I substitute vodka for the tequila? (thanks)
ReplyDeleteBefore anyone thinks about doing a cleanse, watch the Penn & Teller 'Bullshit' episode about them.
ReplyDeleteno booze cleanse for me. :( I gets to crazy on that sauce!
ReplyDeleteMy master cleanse is all herbal. And inhaled.
@ DJ haha!
Limeade and Tequila for me please. Make it a double.
ReplyDeleteHandful of Ex-Lax would do the same thing, then you can get back to your bacon and tequila.
ReplyDeleteI don't get the the cleanse interest. It doesn't make you lose weight. It just cleans out your colon. Due to a medical condition, I've had a few colonoscopys and had to be medically "cleansed" prior to the procedure. My clothes fit the same after as the day before.
ReplyDeleteI saw an "expert" on a morning news show say that this cleanse crap was just that, crap.
ReplyDeleteI can get you a box of Mexican tea for $4.99 that'll clear ya right up.
syko, are you a professional dietist? Cause otherwise you need to start thinking about taking that up as an alternative career.
ReplyDeleteGood call, Mooshki. In the "way too much information" department, when I turned 50 I had to have a colonoscopy. Just out of curiosity, I asked the gastroenterologist if colon cleansing really worked, and he said DON'T DO IT! It cleans the good flora out of the digestive system, and can cause some serious problems. Just eat a balanced diet with plenty of fiber, and everything should 'come out' OK.
ReplyDeleteYaY! Happy New Year to Enty's snarky posts! Thanks for filling that void in my daily routine.
ReplyDeleteI've never tried tequila but limeade and tequila sounds delicious. I'm on the sunnyside cleanse.
@ Babs - that makes sense. It's like with the women who douche constantly (not to take you there or anything) - destroys the good bacteria as well as the bad.
ReplyDelete@ Patty - me either. All my colonoscopy did was make me spend about 12 miserable hours before it, and left me owing $500 more than I thought I would because my insurance decided it was voluntary instead of involuntary. GRRRR.
The "cleansing" people are truly insane. Having said that, I eat a high fiber diet to keep my cholesterol low, and I eat yoghurt a lot, and I sometimes take probiotics. But not to "cleanse" anything. What does the verb "cleanse" mean anyway? Taking Pine-Sol to the linoleum? My body is a temple, not a thoroughfare. Sheez. If I had to hazard a psychoanalytic guess about what's going on here, I would say that the "cleanse" people play upon people's anxiety about fecal contamination. Note how they play up the fear, then provide the solution, like magic.
ReplyDelete"Flore" and "digestive system" together oogs me out. I'm picturing flowers growing in my large intestine now!
ReplyDeleteMary Douglas's classic study of "purity rituals" seems relevant here. She describes ways that people engage in symbolic action to ward off "unclean" states:
ReplyDeletehttp://books.google.com/books?id=ZLH7Yy--XOMC
Wow - talk of colon cleansing, colonoscopies and douching, ALL IN THE SAME DAY, on our favorite celebrity gossip site!
ReplyDeleteLOL!
Tequila or not (though I'd prefer spicy vodka...) if I drink V8 I'll definitely get cleansed... I'm allergic to bell peppers, and they're one of the 8... Ask my Dad, who was the last person to 'poison' me with it... Oy! The pain! The PAIN!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteWhy can't she invent a bacon cleanse?
ReplyDeleteCleanse = starvation! I tried the Master cleanse a year ago. All I did was starve myself and drank maple syrup with lemonade and cayenne pepper. ICK. I almost passed out on the 3rd day!
ReplyDeleteAnyone notice that her signature spells "Guyberth" ?
ReplyDeleteThat's what I'm calling her from now on. Join me if you like.
If I ever meet Gwyneth Paltrow - which is highly unlikely, but let a girl dream, OK? - I am going to slap her so hard her her will spin and her asshole will pucker. How dare you, Gwyneth Paltrow? Young women read your (incredibly vapid and unbelieveably boring) website, and you are telling them - over and over - that they ought to starve themselves! Shame on you.
ReplyDeleteAny suggestions/ideas/stories from GP I like to ignore them.
ReplyDeleteOh, Harriet, I hope you get to meet her, too!
ReplyDeleteMaybe we could all make a small donation so that Harriet could meet Goopie (er, I mean Guyberth) and slap the shit our of her!
I just realised there is a typo. Feel free to replace the second "her" with "head".
ReplyDeleteDitto on the typo - mine is "out" instead of "our".
ReplyDelete(I just got so excited about the possibility of Harriet meeting Fishsticks, my fingers got all confused.)
"..I imbibe them whenever I’m in NYC"
ReplyDeleteFuck, I just hate her. She's such a self-important twat. Imbibe this, Gwyneth!
I'm with Harriet Hellfire.
ReplyDelete"V-8 ($20)" Enty where the hell do you shop?!? A 6 pack of that stuff is about $2.50 to $3.00 at my local Safeway.
ReplyDeletehomie over on dlisted is doing the master cleanse
ReplyDelete*waits for sick details*
If I remember correctly, MYLK is an enzyme that has to do with smooth muscle (colon) contraction. Please don't ask why I know something so ridiculously trivial. :)
ReplyDeleteEnty, please don't give Goop any more publicity. Her crazy ways do not deserve promotion. (And by "crazy ways" I'm not criticizing all cleansing rituals... just celebrity starvation strategies masked as healthy living.)
ReplyDeletePS - Her big word "imbibe" choice is grounded in her deep insecurity of not being truly educated. She dropped out of being a fab party girl at the University of Santa Barbara and while her life experiences are more educating than most four year college stints, she constantly tries to insinuate that she is an erudite autodidact. Just another Goop facade that is starting to crack.
ReplyDeleteEnty, you are hilarious. Goopy's "health science" is dangerous.
ReplyDeleteLisa (not original), Mylk is also vegan speak for nut milk, like almond milk and such. I have also seen "cheez" when they make cheese out of macadamia nuts. It just makes me angry because it is NOT milk, and it is NOT cheese, so why not call it something entirely different? *L* I have no problem with people choosing not to eat meat, but what the hell?
ReplyDeleteWow, Gwyneth must be a true healer cause just reading her blog gives me the "cleanse" effect.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like she likes to defecate a little too much.
ReplyDeleteHarriet; when you hit her; please throw a muzzle on her too or at least force feed her Imodium to stop the shit she spews. Thank you! ;)
Wonder if the gf was Beyonce?
ReplyDeleteShe always raves about fasts and she is just as pretentious as Gooey
This woman is far too obsessed with her colon
She must be a giant bore
all of the recipes call for himalayan salt - what is the difference between that and normal salt? i dont understand how she thinks pwoplw take ths crap - i subscribe to her newsletter so i can have a giggle at her (and her inability to sound like an "everyday person") once a week
ReplyDeleteSuffering through a post on Gwyneth was entirely worth it solely for DJ's comment.
ReplyDeleteI too am dreaming...Dreaming that Harriet Hellfire gets to meet Gwyneth because I'd LOVE to see that smackdown posted on here next!
"Loyal CDAN reader slaps Goopy Paltrow for Goopy's failure to IMBIBE what an ass twat she is."
Ass twat - I don't even know what this means, it doesn't even make any sense, I just like how it sounds!