Hey Paula

Dear Paula Abdul,

For the past several years the entire world has watched you flounder around like a fish landed in a boat trying to escape back to the water. You probably cannot tell this, but I watched a lot of fishing shows this weekend. For some reason, about once a year my dad gets obsessed with fishing and thinks he is going to go out and start catching dinner every night. So, for a few weeks it is Bass Master this and hooks and lures and what outboard he should be for his not bought boat. So, forgive the fishing analogies. Now where was I?

Oh yeah. Ever since you or your manager decided you were worth a bazillion dollars a year to American Idol and Fox showed you the door, you really have done nothing. Oh sure you sat on the backs of some illegal immigrants in that Sacha Baron Cohen movie and you had some kind of dance show on CBS that lasted about a minute. Coincidentally that is also the amount of time it takes someone to catch a fish on those fishing shows. For some reason when I go fishing though I never catch anything. I think the smell of bacon scares them. Does the smell of bacon travel through the water? How much bacon can one person eat in a lifetime? Have you ever had bacon wrapped fish?

Simon Cowell told Deadline this weekend that he wants you as a judge on X-Factor. He also wants Cheryl Cole and LA Reid. LA will be the easiest because he has more money than just about anyone so he would probably do it for kicks and does not care about the fame or money. Apparently your deal has not been signed yet though Paula and I wonder why. Yes, Simon has asked you to be on the show but it does not mean he will give you what you think you are worth. I want you to think about how happy you were drinking coke and your choice of adult beverage every week on Idol while people talked about you and followed you and made you famous again. Contrast that with the past few years when people just remembered you as that wacky person who falls down a lot.

Sign the deal. Sign anything they put in front of you and say thank you very much. Don't think about it or think something will come along that will be better because there will not be. I am not trying to be harsh, or mean, just real. Take the deal. Take it and smile and put it all in the bank. All of it. This is your last chance.