Dating Profile For The Ages
You know, I love dating profiles and a reader found this charmer who said he would love to go out with her. Read it for yourself and you decide if you would date him. I put the ** in his f bombs and other musings so don't feel like he censored himself, because he didn't. I will give him credit for liking Fraggle Rock.
My self-summary
You dont need to know s**t about be. I would rather you be thinking I Just came home from robbin banks, killin people and stealing cars. I would rather you think that i was in a high speed chase that resulted in a fiery crash wherein I had to extinguish myself in a public fountain. You don't want to know that i just came from my grandma's Poolside BBQ and added too much lighter fluid to the charcoal. That's just not sexy.
.
What I’m doing with my life
See above. You dont need to know that s**t. Maybe I'm a hitman for the Irish mob or the yakuza. That's hot right? You know whats not hot, a guy who works at El Pollo Loco. That is a huge turn off, believe you me, you're probably already turned off just at the thought. If you are, why don't you check out my special skillz in the next paragraph. Maybe then I may regain your interest.
I’m really good at
F**kin
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The first things people usually notice about me
Nothing, I'm a Ninja! people don't notice shit about me, I'm lurking in the shadows. Ready to strike. My weapon, you guessed it...A Rianbow Bright night light and a pack of cigaretts.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Fraggle Rock Motha F**kers. WHAT UP!
The six things I could never do without
Dat Pink, Dem Booty, Does T*tTAs! Yo Legs, Yo Lips, & da Way you Move those Hips. Also my nighttime nasal Snoring Strips...I do that s**t for you girl!
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I spend a lot of time thinking about
Microbiology.
On a typical Friday night I am
Stealing cars and getting into fiery crashes, buyin Bottles at da club. Getting my Freak on with some fine yung thing. Or I be out partaking on my ninja skillz.
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The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I love that teddy bear from the Snuggle Fabric Softener commercials. I just want to hug that s**t.
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I’m looking for
•Girls who like guys
•Ages 18–80
•Located anywhere
•Who are single
• For new friends
You should message me if
Don't message me. I don't need no ugly ass bitchez up in my s**t. I'll message you, that way you know I be thinking you fine. UNLESS U KNOW U IS FINE, then feel free to message me. ALSO don't ask for my pictures, I'm tired of girls dating me for my looks and money. You should get to know me first before you judge me on my looks plz.
LETS MAKE OUT!
Trying way too hard to be funny.
ReplyDeleteI am SO glad that I am not in the dating scene right now.
ReplyDeleteActually, I think this guy really thinks this way. He's a wannabe gangster who thinks he's hot and believes everything he sees in hiphop music videos.
ReplyDeletethis is really testing my amateur psychology profiling skills
ReplyDelete^^ what Vicki C. and mialou said. SO glad I pulled my OKCupid profile. Don't miss crap like that at ALL. (Believe me...there's more out there like that!)
ReplyDeleteI had a good laugh. Fraggle Rock!!
ReplyDeleteWow! He sounds like the Prince Charming I've been searching for all my life.
ReplyDeleteI bet he is a fairly good looking marketing executive in a
ReplyDeleteSolid middle class neighborhood who pays his taxes, cooks a great steak & is so middle of the road stable he got bored with himself & decided to spice up his dating life. Creative. And a ninja working for the Irish mob IS hot.
I think he's a waspy prep with a boring paperwork job like an accountant for the post office who grew up playing Grand Theft Auto when he had to slum it and visit his middle class cousins. OR better, he played it with the kid at his boarding school who was there on a free scholarship bc he was from the projects. The author is a total wannabe, 12 years old, or the biggest douche we've ever encountered and must perform scientific experiments on his "brain".
ReplyDeleteIt's a joke... right?
ReplyDeleteCan I brag now about how I avoided match.com and all those dating sites?
ReplyDeleteI'm a huge soccer fan. First I noticed my favorite commentator and would get excited if he was doing a game, even a crappy game on tv bc he just has a cheerful, fun way. Then he said his @twitter name at the end of one. I'm like cool maybe he gives out inside info on my fav team! Weeks later, he replied to a joke I tweeted. I'm like omg he's following me? I checked, I'm the only non soccer pro he's following. That led to Facebook, Skyping everyday for 8 months. We are getting married and I'm moving to England with him.
So screw dating sites, just get a hobby, LOVE it and you will find your perfect match who loves the same thing you do!
That's a pretty darn cute story! Congrats!
DeleteKatsm0711--that is a great story... Leaves me wanting to know more. Maybe you should consider writing it up in a more complete story format....seems like a good idea for a screenplay. ;)
DeleteAKM, I have an OKCupid profile and I had a French guy tell me about an hour ago that I remind him of Truman Capote as a teenager. o_O
ReplyDeleteSay what? You're a teenage drunken midget who also happens to become a brilliant writer? Those Frenchman are charming, I say. :/
Delete"Unless U Know U Is Fine."
ReplyDeletePrince, is that you?
100% agree with NapAssasin. He has a job behind a computer screen, probably at an accounting firm or software company, pays all his bills, and is bored out of his mind.
ReplyDeleteLord help...how are you gonna misspell rainbow and cigarettes??? Was that part of the joke too?
ReplyDeleteHe's a passive aggressive unattractive slacker. That is too shy to speak to anyone he is ever interested. This is the only way he can be a BADASS.
The microbiology part is my favorite reference. Notice he spelled that word perfectly.
ReplyDeleteEXACTLY!!!
DeleteMust be a scientist! I'd bet on it!!
Delete@katsm0711 -- what a great story! Congrats on your upcoming marriage :D
ReplyDelete@katsm congrats! and I echo your sentiment. One of my friends met her awesome husband through MeetUp. Not a dating site. She moved to a new city and wanted to meet people who had the same interest so she found a meet up group and went to a few outings and then met her future husband.
ReplyDeleteDamn. Thanks for posting my dating profile on your site enty.
ReplyDeleteAny takers? :p
I'd totally let him hit it. Not in the Chris Brown way.
ReplyDeleteI like NapAssassin's conclusion, too. Gotta admit the profile made me smile. Would I answer? Maybe. It's more original than "romantic walks on the beach at twilight" and "long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days."
ReplyDelete@kats - wow, that is so awesome! Congrats to you both, and here's to a long, happy life together.
ReplyDeleteI'm happily married, but I'd just love to meet this dude to see which category he really falls into - real ninja, bored WASP, or just a general dumbass.
this is the funniest thing i have read in a long time. He is poking fun at the whole dating site scene and proably having a good laugh to himself. This is something that I would do. Total tongue n'cheek and not to be taken seriously.
ReplyDeleteMarry me.
ReplyDeleteI'm guessing @katsm0711 is correct. If his PMs were normal, I wouldn't hold his profile against him. I'd find it amusing.
ReplyDeleteBtw, best wishes @katsm0711!
I'm betting a female wrote it.
ReplyDeletePretty sure it's a joke. It fails to be funny in places, but I chuckled a few times...*L*
ReplyDeleteFraggle rock, microbiology and he's a ninja? I gotta go call my mom, I just found step dad number 3.
ReplyDeleteTracy, right? He's just pissed that he's out of my preferred range.
ReplyDeleteIt is quite funny actually but he's too black for me.
ReplyDeleteHunter (un)intentional American Psycho shoutout? Excuse me while I return these video tapes...
ReplyDeleteThanks guys!
ReplyDeleteNow I'm thinking he's been on dating sites for sooooo long never gets a response so now he's just like "whatever" out of desperation.
Truth is the most exciting part of his job is when the stapler jams.
Great story katsm0711. Seems like you found a keeper.
ReplyDelete@katsm - I'm sooo happy for you! Best how we met story in a long time. All the best to you both.
ReplyDeleteKatsm best of luck! Really glad you shared that. It was a nice pick me up after looking at the CA post all morning.
ReplyDeletei like the fact that he is so open age-wise
ReplyDeletePretty sure this guy is joking. The nasal storing strips made me laugh and I think he sort of quoted that awful Ja Rule / Ashanti song. That's hilarious.
ReplyDeleteAny guy that knows enough to mock bottle service in da club is ok in my book.
He's definitely mocking this.
I lol'd at the fabric softener reference.
ReplyDeleteWe should hook up! I'm a supermodel who loves to prepare gourmet meals for my hard-workin' fella before I jump on my stripper pole and do a little show. Then we make mad, passionate love for minutes and minutes. My favorite thing after sex is to let you snooze while I get up and do your laundry and change the oil in your car. I think we'd be perfect together!
ReplyDeleteI'm with you, katsm0711--Mega congrats! (I met my SO via a mailing list over 20 years ago... and oh does that hurt a little to type ;) )
ReplyDeleteI laughed at the profile. Seriously hope this is supposed to be a joke.
You guys can knock dating sites all you want, but I met my husband on one. My stepdaughter met her husband on one. If you're patient and careful, it can work. Took me 5 years of online dating before I met my guy. Met some really creepy guys, some weirdos and some really nice guys but we just didn't click.
ReplyDeleteI had a guy on okcupid message me - he had pictures of himself dressed as a wizard, another of him holding a sword and skull and my personal favourite one of him "rock climbing" which consisted of him clinging to the side of a boulder, looking off in the distance while wearing sandals, black socks and what looked like the top of a wet suit.
ReplyDeleteseriously. who wouldn't want to hit that?
Wow, you all must have broken your funny bones! I thought this was hilarious, and would totally message him. He sounds like he's got a great sense of humor and would be a lot of fun.
ReplyDeleteIf I was single...... yes out of curiosity!!
ReplyDeleteOh, Vicki! What?! ;-)
ReplyDeletePerhaps he's saying that you're a young (teenager) and clever writer (Capote)?! Heheheh. Well, he's French, so the language gap could be impeding him. He could be a sweetheart! Ya never knows!
OMG...was thinking about joining Match...now I'm not.
ReplyDeleteAKM, no he made it clear he was talking about my "features". He even had the nerve to say it was a compliment.
ReplyDeleteAnd people get so pissy when I say I'm ugly.
I'm pretty sure this is the black Chuck Norris.
ReplyDeleteAs far as dating sites and hobbies, I'm keeping all of my options open. Through meetup non-singles events, I've made a lot of good friends, but not a love match thus far. Being single in LA sucks! I get all the winners...just have to wade through them...still trying to find a keeper.
ReplyDeleteYou guys are so sweet, you're making my day!
ReplyDeleteI don't mock dating sites. Don't we all know a handful that got married on match.com? It's just, you can't fill out a profile, sit back and expect them to come. You have to be LIVING and enjoying life and that's how you attract a mate. Not constantly sitting stagnant checking your email for someone else who also loves Buffy the Vampire Slayer. You have to BE the vampire slayer, not sitting stagnant.
I think that's the stigma and I will admit that all of the marriages I know from dating sites are healthy ones (so far)
@princessd .... you still got those pics?
ReplyDelete@katsm0711 - should have kept them but I kept rocking back and forth and crying everytime I looked at them so I deleted them... ha.
ReplyDeleteI actually have had some luck on online dating sites - its a lot of quantity over quality and a lot of people who look like they live in their mothers basement with 15 cats and their troll doll collection. But there are some good guys (and girls - me!) on there. You just have to weed out the crazy.....
I think he sounds funny. It made me laugh. Isn't that what he was trying to do?
ReplyDeleteWhile most his profile was eye roll worthy, I seriously LOLed at 'Microbiology.' I would message him back just to see what the hell he came up with.
ReplyDeleteI made a mistake of thinking on line dating was for me. Had good conversations with one guy so gave him my email and then the crazy hit the fan. Got rid of him but not before he blew my email up. No More, if I want CRAZY I'll read about little Lindsey.
ReplyDeleteHow can you possibly turn down a man who loves Fraggle Rock and thinks about microbiology? What's WRONG with you people?
ReplyDeleteI have to say that I thought it was pretty funny and if I saw his ad I would at least respond to it to see what he was like a bit more. For those of us who have been on dating sites it gets old reading the same profile all the time. I like the ones that sound like they have a sense of humor. In fact I met boyfriend on Match.com because we both seemed to have the same sense of sarcastic humor in our profiles.
ReplyDelete@AuntJess - your comment made me laugh!
ReplyDeleteHey, you get a lot of time to think up wacky shit putting up plates or counting them colonies, microbiology is NOT the most exciting job there is.
ReplyDeleteMy profile: Two white guys, work in IT, ages: one is 28, the other 37 and married. Both losers, LOL.
ReplyDeleteWow. I don't know if he's a step up or down from that t-rex arm'd guy from a few months ago. Remember him? The one who didn't care about making alot of money and wanted to live near his granny until she passed away?
ReplyDelete@ katsm0711 - best of luck!
It's hard out there for a microbiologist.
ReplyDeleteThe scary thing is I'm the one who attracted both of those winners. No wonder I'm single. :)
ReplyDeleteI always love the ones who don't want any ugly bitches and then in the same breath are pissed for being judged on their looks.
ReplyDeleteDid anyone else thing of Leon from Curb Your Enthusiasm? This sounds like one of his rants! Loved it :)
ReplyDeleteI'm happily married and hope to never date again, but theoretically I'd go out with this guy (once, anyway)--his profile made me laugh.
ReplyDeleteHahahahahaha!!! This was great! I would date him.
ReplyDeleteGotta say, it made me smile.
ReplyDeleteTo me it seemed totally contrived, but part of it did make me laugh a little.
ReplyDelete@Nutty_Flavor The microbiology part was the best! I didn't even realize it's one of the few words he spelled correctly.
ReplyDeleteI bet this guy does have some boring, sit at a desk all day long sort of job but can be fun & interesting.
I LOVE the "microbiology" part! That fits so well with the rest of his profile. He's a winner!
ReplyDeleteI got the impression from the ad that he might really work at el pollo loco...hopefully not, though. ;)
ReplyDeleteOMG!! I seriously don't know who's funnier. This guy or all of the commenters. I totally lmfao.
ReplyDeleteAnd really, I'd rather have this asshat than the ones who are holier than thou. Bring it babay!
This sounds like the shit that leaves my BIL's mouth on a daily basis....
ReplyDeletebut sadly hes completely serious when he says it
Green Wave Gal, for the sake of all of our amusement, I hope you keep attracting more and more of these winners!
ReplyDeleteMicrobiology + Dat Pink, Dem Booty, Does T*tTAs! Yo Legs, Yo Lips, & da Way you Move those Hips. =
ReplyDeletean uncomfortable knowledge of STD's
Ok, I died at this. True story coming
ReplyDeleteDuring my first marriage when I was but a tender 19 year old, my ex and I went to a small college out west. Out of boredom, he decided we should take a Tae Kwon Do class. Before I know it, he becomes obsessed with Ninja movies and starts carving and wrapping ninja practice swords. Things escalated out of control when he started dressing in all black and going out at night to patrol the neighborhood with these swords (which were surprisingly well made) strapped across his back with black cord. I pretended I didn't know him. Time spent taking the class? 3 Months. yep, he really was that crazy and apparently he now likes filling out wonky dating pages. *sigh*
Ok Ladies, who's gonna take one for the team and actually go on a date with this butt-nugget? Intentionally humorous or not, I wanna know more about this ninja microbiologist!
ReplyDeleteOh, and he also would practice "ninja skills" in the back yard with the neighborhood kids. Again, I pretended I didn't know him.
ReplyDeleteBigMama, are you sure you weren't married to Kramer? Remember the episode where he was "dominating his dojo" and then we found out he was in class with little kids?
ReplyDeleteMan, I have such a mental picture of your ex out on patrol - hee hee!
Uh oh......I like the snuggle fabric softener bear too...
ReplyDeleteI lost it at microbiology.
ReplyDeleteMLE: Butt nugget will forever be my favorite. I am stealing it but will give you credit. Seriously ya'll is funny as hell!
ReplyDeletethis is excellent. he would never date me cuz Im fugly.
ReplyDeleteI've always had a soft spot for the Snuggle bear as well. I like his enthusiasm. : )
ReplyDelete