It's Official - Adam Levine Has The Publicist Kneepads Loves The Most This Year

People Magazine has confirmed the worst kept secret of the past week and declared that Adam Levine is the sexiest man alive. There will be countless customers of the issue who will have no idea just how the man was chosen but will presume that People uses some scientific database similar to the BCS to determine just who is the sexiest alive. Presumably all of the finalists are brought into People's offices where they are subjected to testing such as number of chest hairs and bench press. The number of times staffers ask whether the finalist would ever consider doing porn and where they can sign up for the e-mail list to be notified.

Scientific experts are called in from all over the world to look at head size and whether they are a grower or shower and if they have hair plugs or any signs of baldness. The average customer probably wonders whether the finalists sit by their phones waiting for the call or are huddled together in prayer in the People offices waiting for the announcement and the inevitable bro hugs after the winner is announced.

Someday hopefully they will learn that the award is actually won by the publicist that Kneepads wants to suck up to the most that year and the only qualification is that the publicist has other A list clients and the winner be reasonably attractive.

Tom Cruise Is On A Kneepads Offensive

How can the world see you as warm and cuddly and totally ignore the fact that you are involved in a church that is frightening? You go to Kneepads and get a cover and tell your story and make all those people in the checkout stand think you are a wonderful guy. That is what Tom Cruise has done. He wants you to forget about all the bad things his church has done. He wants you to forget that Katie Holmes practically sprinted out the door when she had a chance and was forced to have a friend slip her a prepaid phone just so she could make some phone calls that would not be monitored and he would also like you to forget that he has not seen his child in almost two months. Instead, Kneepads has given you the warm and fuzzy Tom Cruise who one friend says has never had a conversation with Tom that was not interrupted by Suri calling. Huh. So, when Suri is in school she is calling? When she is asleep she is calling? Basically with a child her age you can eliminate about 16 hours a day that a child is in school or sleeping so this guy must have all of his conversations with Tom Cruise during those exact hours when Suri is awake and has access to a phone. A phone that is not monitored by the way. See, that is the thing about Tom's public relations. They go too far. They take a nice concept about having some random guy say that Tom gets phone calls from Suri all the time and then takes it too far to the extreme where it makes no sense.

They also claim that Suri was scheduled to fly to London to see Tom sometime in the middle of September but it was canceled. So, you were going to have a 6 year old fly from New York to London for the weekend? Don't you think the dad with the private jet and the ability to make his schedule flexible would do the flying to New York? Yeah, again, they try and make this all seem lovey dovey, but don't actually consider the details and how it all makes no sense.

Kneepads vs The Rest Of The World

I had planned on just showing the photo above in Random Photos today of Mary Kate Olsen walking with her boyfriend and his daughter who is the same height as Mary Kate. That is kind of spooky. I really am hoping it is his daughter too, or I might get even more creeped out. Anyway, the photo above is the one I was going to use with some random caption. I think it shows the true Mary Kate that you see way more often than not.


Kneepads, standing out from every other tabloid and online gossip site, chose to use a different photo (above) from the set and used a little magic to almost completely erase the cigarette that Mary Kate was smoking. It is also a much worse quality photograph, but that doesn't matter because they need to show Mary Kate that they are team players and that they will do anything for the Olsens and if either of them gets married to please let Kneepads know and not only will they kiss your butt more, they will also pay to kiss your butt.

Mel Gibson Tape Part Three - Defenders Start To Pop Up - Kneepads Takes Mel's Side

Another day and another racial and abusive tirade from Mel Gibson. In case you are keeping score at home, today's tape is the one where he calls someone a wetback who works for Oksana and he also spends some time verbally abusing Oksana. Actually a great deal of time. Oh, he also mentions he is having financial problems. Well, they will only get worse after all of this. I see no income in his future and that Beaver movie was shelved.

To listen to today's nastiness, click here.

Meanwhile, Mel has finally started to get some support and it has come from a very unlikely source. Yesterday on The View Whoopi said that Mel Gibson is a friend of hers and that he is not a racist. She said he has a drinking problem and that people who drink say things they don't mean. I was shocked. This is not just some drunken rant, this is day after day of this abusive behavior. As many of you have said, can you imagine what his wife went through for 30 years? What about his kids? Whoopi says she is not defending him, but she is. She is making excuses for his behavior. There are none.



Taking advantage of the Whoopi positives, Mel's people rushed out a story to Kneepads where they said that Mel tried to go to therapy for his problems to deal with this unhealthy relationship and get this, they blame Oksana. "He realized how unhealthy the relationship was and recognized that they were in a bad place and he was getting his buttons pushed."

Seriously? Did they just blame her? They did. Wait, it gets way worse. Do you want to know why Oksana got punched in the face? "the actor only tried to stop [Oskana] from shaking their baby like a ragdoll."

In my headline I said that People have taken Mel's side. They have. They did not need to print this garbage. It is not about being balanced. It is about giving an excuse to a guy who beat a woman with a child in her arms. You cannot defend that and People should know better. They do a lot of sucking up. Tons of it. Their whole offices must be a deep shade of brown. That being said, why would you even bother to suck up to this guy? An exclusive? Some kind of payback when he makes Lethal Weapon 6 or something? It is not going to happen. His career is over. For once People should take the right side and not the celebrity side. They even used a happy picture of the couple.

Kneepads Compares Kate Gosselin To Lucille Ball

I understand that Kneepads has a job to do. Their job is to suck up to as many celebrities and publicists as possible. Their plan is that if they suck up enough then they will get cover stories from those same people and sell lots of magazines. Of course they pay for those cover stories anyway so I don't really see the point. Anyway, it is one thing to give yourself the brownest nose possible as they did in another story about Shania Twain (First came heartbreak, then a second chance at love. Next up for country superstar Shania Twain? Her own TV series.) That is typical People Magazine kiss ass.

However, when you compare someone who is having her 15 minutes because she has 8 children and compare that person to Lucille Ball you have gone way too far. This is what People said. "Not since the heyday of Lucille Ball has one woman been so visible on TV – and now it's Kate Gosselin's turn."

Lucille Ball was one of the funniest, most talented people to ever walk the earth. Any generation from any country in the world can watch an episode of I Love Lucy and laugh and be entertained. Tell me how Kate Gosselin does that. You are comparing one of the worlds greatest performers to a woman who was artificially inseminated. Just because someone is on television doesn't make them talented or a star. I have no idea what People is getting out of this, but it better sell them millions of issues because Lucille is probably rolling over in her grave right now.

Kneepads Sinks To New Lows

We all know that People Magazine is the creme of the crop when it comes to ass kissers. It's fine. They are what they are. They were the first to report on the whole Reese & Jake split though and didn't back down. But the good stories are few and far between and now they have reached a new low in the boot licking department.

They ran a story today about Kim Kardashian and how she is spoiling her new nephew with clothes. Typical fluff piece and I only read it because I had nothing else to read. Well, it turns out that they didn't even talk to Kim which is fine. There is nothing wrong with using sources, but I want you to read this quote and let me know who you think the source is.

"The day after big sister Kourtney, 30, gave birth to her first child with beau Scott Disick, Kardashian hit one of L.A.'s trendiest shops – Intuition – for Baby Eggi clothing."

"She was super excited about her nephew and loved that she could scoop up some cool stuff for him!" says a source.

Kardashian loved a "peace" hoodie, designed by celeb tattoo artist Mark Mahoney, specifically because "she thought the design was really unique and unlike anything out there," says the source. "And she thought the days of the week onsies were just adorable and something that Kourtney would love and could really use."

Seriously? I hope the owners of Intuition paid big bucks for this story. This is just an ad for their store. It is nothing but an ad disguised as a story. At least most web sites say paid advertisement or set it off somehow. This is just an ad disguised as a news article. Oh, I am sure People thinks it is a news article but I fail to see how this is news at all. It is like reading a catalog from the store. It irritates me to no end.

Kneepads Runs A Scandalous Headline

It really is unlike People Magazine to run any kind of scandalous or misleading headline, but over the weekend their editor must have got drunk and decided to shake things up a little bit. Do you remember that car accident Michael Phelps got into on Friday? The one where the entire world seemed to pay attention? Well here is the headline People ran over the weekend.

"Michael Phelps Admits He Drank Before Car Accident"

When you see that headline you read it as he was drunk off his ass. Now the police have already said alcohol wasn't a factor, but if they hadn't you would be reading this and saying, "wow this guy has some issues and why didn't he go to jail," and blah blah blah.

Now I love a great headline like this from People. It shows they are still hiring employees from The Enquirer and UK tabloids. It also makes me wonder if there is a group of people there who don't like being PR flacks for celebrities.

The actual truth to the Michael Phelps drinking headline is that about 90 minutes before he got into his car, Michael had a beer and admitted it. I still love the headline though.

The Reinvention Of Tara Reid

That didn't take long, now did it. Kneepads Magazine has already started their little campaign to get Tara Reid back in the real world. Oh, and when I mean Real World I don't mean the tv show although seeing Tara's career as of late, a stint on The Real World would probably be a step up. Of course being on the show they do a lot of drinking and partying and don't usually have jobs. Oh, so it would be perfect for Tara actually.

Anyway, People of course reported that Tara was in rehab and honestly since then, no one really cares what she does until she gets out. Then of course the paps will be following her everywhere to get photos of her drinking. In order to prep Tara for her cover story when she gets out, People started laying the groundwork this morning. In an article they have on their site, they quote unnamed sources which sound very unfriend like and more publicist like. Look at some of these quotes.

"Tara has a problem with alcohol. It’s been at the root of much discomfort between herself and her family and friends."

Umm, sure. I think all of us talk just like that when we are talking about a friend with a problem that needs rehab. I especially love how they throw alcohol in right away and ignore every other possibility. It's just alcohol people. You can still love her. She is not doing the evil meth. What would have been even better is prescription drugs which she could blame on some on set accident.

Her relationship with her family and friends "has become strained."

If the publicist could only come up with that, then you know that her family must have basically told her to get out of their lives. There were no quotes that said her family loves that she is getting help so things must be really messed up. I actually like Colleen who is Tara's sister quite a lot, but you know, there is just no way to ask someone, "hey, so why is your sister so effed up? Do you and your family hate her?" Just does not really give off that warm and fuzzy feeling I like to leave after all my encounters with people. OK, let's face it. Not really anyone has that feeling after meeting me. Instead they usually vow to lose 20 pounds, give up smoking and drinking and thank god their parents live 2,000 miles away.

"She finally made the decision to do something positive for herself and her loved ones."

Yep, that's a winner. Yeah, it's a win/win. I want Tara to get better. I'm not that much of an ass. I think addiction is something that is awful and is a disease and I want her to get better. I sincerely do. I just hate the fact that as part of her getting better, she is going to manipulate the rest of us and get something out of it besides getting sober.