Oh, sex and drugs and rock ‘n’ roll, what else is new in T-town, right? Just homosexual sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll, that’s what. (Like this is a news flash, but hey, I’m just the goss messenger here, ‘kay?) Sally Sedate Me has hooked up with her latest man. You saw that, didn’tcha? Yep, sure ya did. This latest guy is simply divine, so delish, much more so than the last loser the sweetie star hung out with.
Indeed, fans are so relieved SSM has found herself a he-man worthy of her luscious locks, winning smile and utterly adorable personality. It’s a tabloid team made in heaven! Why? Well, because New Guy’s also got a killer grin, a fab sense of humor, a total do-me coif and—best of all—absolutely no desire whatsoever to make love to Sally, just like she likes it.
See, Sally-Sweets lives for getting high, not orgasmic. But she likes the company, and she knows her career will suffer if she’s seen manless for too long. And New Guy, ‘course, wouldn’t even have a job if his homo ways were known. Or so he thinks.
Sally really should get over her habit, already. Doesn’t she see it’s what’s marginalizing her career, not her male companionship (or lack thereof)? It’s a good flick that’s hard to find, not a fella or a fix.
Jennifer Aniston and the dude from Sex in the City - couldn't be more obvious.
ReplyDeleteIs this possibly Tom Brady and Giselle Bundchen?
ReplyDeleteWouldn't that be just awesome!!
how about........
ReplyDeletejessica simpson/tony romo, the homo?
I like Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo for this. It seems more likely that a football player "wouldn't even have a job if his homo ways were known"
ReplyDeleteMan, this is juicy. I can see this fitting two couples
ReplyDelete1) Jennifer and Dude from Sex in the City
2) Jessica and Tony Romo
nots - alicia keys, reese, beyonce
ReplyDeleteWith Alicia and Beyonce there, makes me wonder if it's not an African American couple.
ReplyDeleteFirst hunch - aniston/lewis; but I like the Simpson/Romo guess (but that doesn't help me understand why Carrie Underwood was with him). I can see Simpson enjoying hanging out with Willie Nelson doped up. Should be a swingin' mellow country album. :)
pothead jennifer and jason lewis
ReplyDeleteCarrie underwood and CHase Crawford
ReplyDeletekate hudson/whoever shes dating?
ReplyDeleteyou know that bitch smokes it up.
i've never heard pot related to a 'fix' im thinking its a lil more of a serious drug like coke.
ReplyDeletewhat about LL? kinda fits after the whole Sam Ronson juice..sorry wrong word.
Jennifer Aniston/Jason Lewis.
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ReplyDeletei was thinking hayden and milo
ReplyDeletei was thinking hayden and milo
ReplyDelete've met Jason Lewis on two occasions and each time he was actively trying to score some vag... so I don't think its him and Maniston.
ReplyDeleteI should also mention he was trying to score in a very private area without peeping eyes and paps... so it wasn't like he was putting on a show or trying to play the "straight" part.
Simpson's not a pothead, neither is Hayden. Aniston is a pothead-serious pothead. We shared a realtor, she was stoned the whole time she was houseshopping.
ReplyDeleteno doubt its jen and jason...
ReplyDeleteted c refers to her "famous locks"...def a strong clue to jen. and everyone knows how much she likes to smoke it up.
as far as jason... all clues lead to him! "lucious looks" "winning smile", etc... AND he is always cast as a straight hot male, so i'm sure he thinks he wouldnt have a job if he were outed.
this TOTES bums me out bc i love both of them and was hoping this was "real"!!!
Thank you Sabrina, thank you! If Jason Lewis was gay I think I would have to go on suicide watch. I mean, seriously, could us girls have some cute guys too?!??!?!?!
ReplyDeleteThe introduction to this was:
ReplyDelete"At Least She Can't Get Pregnant
A very famous movie star by the name of Sally Sedate Me chooses the safest kind of sex imaginable: a boyfriend who prefers to date boys, not girls. Works like a charm every time!"
So it's not most of those suggested. It's probably Aniston, but it could be Cameron Diaz. Kate Hudson maybe, and could be Drew Barrymore, but didn't she get married recently?
I think Ted's having us on, it's too obvious. He's wants us to believe it's Jen A, what poster 'Sabrina' said above makes sense to me, I don't think Jason Lewis is gay either, surely a gay in Hollywood wouldn't look so polished. Wouldn't he be doing things like wearing a flannel shirt, growing a beard and walking around with a matchstick in his mouth with his other beard on his arm:)
ReplyDeleteHeather LOCKlear. No one could stand David Spade the "last loser". "Sex drugs and rock n' roll" Richie Sambora=rock n' roll and she was the subjust of another blind item regarding vicodin. She needs to keep the buzz around her going bc her career has stalled so she's dating jack wagner just bc it's juicy and cute.
ReplyDeleteReese connection= Heather's character's name was Reese in the movie Angels Fall
ReplyDeletekinda vague but i'll work on the others
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ReplyDeleteHeather Locklear ain't a movie star. If it's not Aniston, my only other guess would Penelope Cruz. I mean, Bardem does have a great coif and a killer grin! But I've never heard of her being a pot head...but we all know she must not like sex because Cruz has a history of dating gay men.
ReplyDeleteWithout a doubt, Aniston and Lewis. It's barely blind.
ReplyDeleteI like ever-toking Cameron Diaz for this one, too. Her locks are (in)famous from that nasty hair gel scene in Something About Mary. She dumped that loser Criss Angel, but I have no idea who/if she's dating right now. Anybody?
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ReplyDeleteLMAO that people honestly think Tony Romo is gay! What are you basing this on?
ReplyDeleteJA is the one known for her locks (hair), so I think it's her. She's in Cabo right now with Courtney Cox and David A. AND Orlando Bloom. I'm wondering if he's the homo who is worried he may not have a job if his sexuality were known.
The only hitch in the JA guess is - what utterly adorable personality? According to Ted, she doesn't have that and I doubt he would leave that in as the opinion of the fans without debating it.
Awww, c'mon. The MiniVans love JA. They think she'll be their best friend because she seems so accessible on film, hence the adorable personality bit. It's Jennifer Aniston/Jason Lewis.
ReplyDeleteCan't be Heather Locklear - she's had a long-time thing with her former co-star, Jack Wagner.
ReplyDeleteI thought of JA too but Please don't let it be true. Jason cannot be gay.
ReplyDeleteWhy are all the cute boys gay? :(
It has to be Cameron Diaz and Bradley Cooper. Cooper was accused of having and affair with Victor Garber during Alias.
ReplyDelete@ ks - I will vouch for one thing to boost your theory, something I personally absolutely know to be true - Heather Locklear LIVES for the HIGH. She is a major COKE HEAD!!!!!
ReplyDeleteThis is Hayden Christensen and Rachel Bilson
ReplyDeleteGosh,I'm with khemenu, I immediately thought of Carrie Underwood and Chase Crawford.
ReplyDeleteBut why would Carrie Underwood be concerned with movies??? ("flick") It's not Carrie and Chase.
ReplyDeleteYou mean Jason Lewis couldn't score some 'vag' immediately? Seriously, how hard would that guy have to try? He's beautiful.
ReplyDeleteCameron and Bradley fit the description the best.
ReplyDeleteOH, whoops! I didn't catch the "flick" comment.
ReplyDeleteWow, Kelly, your comments are always great.
ReplyDeleteIf I remember right, Ted C. made a comment(s) about Heather and coke in the past.
ks and kelly:
ReplyDeleteI think it is Heather, too. My only reservation is the description of SSM as a movie star, although she has been in a few (very bad) movies and has a couple of more (low budget ones?) coming out per imdb.
Otherwise, the clues fit.
1. The And It Ain't Clues
Reese: both Heather and Reese have daughters named Ava.
Beyonce: Heather's man Jack Wagner had a hit song in the 80s (which Ted undoubtedly remembers) called "All I Need." Beyonce's flame Jay-Z also has a song called "All I Need" on one of his CDs.
Alicia: Alicia "Key"s; Heather "Lock"lear.
2. The "Dr. Feel Bad" pun at the top of Ted's column: "Dr. Feelgood" was a major hit album and song for Motley Crue (Heather's ex Tommy Lee is the drummer, of course). Also, Wagner played a Dr. on Melrose Place.
3. The Dr. Feel Bad/Good and SSM moniker suggest that our subject has a problem with a sedative/downer. When Heather was with David Spade, Ted hinted that they were together because they both enjoyed a certain something. He eliminated readers' guesses that related to sexual activities and left the impression it was a love of a drug. Around that time, there was a rumor (can't remember where I read this) that the drug was Vicodin, a definite downer. I've heard the coke rumor, too.
4. Although H and Jack has worked together in the past, they've only been dating for a few months/maybe a year. Before that, she was with David Spade, which made for an odd couple.
5. Before her divorce from Sambora, H enjoyed a reputation as being friendly, perky, down to earth, and totally unlike the characters she played on TV.
6. Jack Wagner has always sported a thick head of tousled hair.
Reese W. and Jake G.
ReplyDeletejess and romo/homo.
ReplyDeleteshe's famous for her hair (even her hairstylist get famous) and even put out her own extensions.
The last line clinches it for me. Jess is increasingly becoming more famous for who she dates, she still has the unfaltering dumb-blonde image, and is having a tremendously hard time finding a good movie to insert her bad acting into.
PLUS she was very open about not liking sex when married to Nick. Also- the and it aints are pop singers and/or a blonde actress.
HI, WHEN I READ THIS I IMMEDIATELY THOUGHT OF SCARLETT JOHANSSON & RYAN REYNOLDS. HES TOO HOT FOR WORDS AND SHE SEEMS TO RELY ON HER SEXUALITY RATHER THAN TALENT
ReplyDeleteI totally thought this was Reese and Jake when I read this.
ReplyDelete