No, this isn't the soapy made-up stuff on ABC. This is real-life desperation, babes, Hollywood-style!
There's an aging celeb couple in town who have been pretty damn lucky with their love life, for many years. Sure, they've had their ups and downs (both professionally and personally), but Perka Penis-Player and Schlamm Butt-Wiggle have still managed to stick it out for the tabloid-headlined long haul—miraculously so.
Everybody said they wouldn't make it. But so far, they have—at least for appearance's sake.
Maybe that's because Perka's a broad who's willing to do whatever it takes (in her rather sex-kitten-ish, stereotyped eyes) to hold onto her still-doable guy, despite the fact that his very nice ass has dropped as much as his box-office appeal these days. So what does "whatever it takes" require Perka to engage in? Plastic surgery, perhaps? Oh gawd, that was years ago.
No, now it's time for crafty Ms. Penis-Player to move on the next part of her bod that needs lifting. Can you guess what it is? Ass or eyes, you ask?
Wrong! Her hands! OMG, what will these Frankenstein Beverly Hills plastic surgeons think of next! Is a knee lift next? Don't tell me: It probably already exists.
Nevertheless, it's Perka who's now gone through the recent and incredibly weird process of having her hands lifted, as if that's the part of her anatomy that's gonna get Schlamm's schlong in gear. Maybe it will—I don't know what the hell makes people hot for each other, anymore.
But dare I say it's all a waste of time? You see, as of late, Schlamm's own digits are notorious for touching everything but that Penis-Player he's been shackin' up with for eons.
Why do couples go on like this? Just call it a day and go screw who you like, already!
And It Ain't: Lisa Rinna and Harry Hamlin; Rita Wilson and Tom Hanks; Calista Flockhart and Harrison Ford
goldie hawn and kurt russel?
ReplyDeletewow enty you went all out this time!
ReplyDeletefunny brookly I thought the same thing Goldie Hawn and her man. who is Suzanne Sommers married to? Film guy? she came to mind too
I second that guess, they are the first couple that popped into my head.
ReplyDeleteMelanie G and Antonio B.
ReplyDeleteYep, great guess for Golie and Kurt. It sounds painful, BTW.
ReplyDeleteMy first thought was Melanie/Antonio.
ReplyDeleteMy second thought, and it's both their birthdays today, is CZJ/Michael Douglas.
i agree with Charlie ...no one thought Melanie Griffith would hold onto Antonio for this long
ReplyDeleteHow about Annette Bening & Warren Beatty?
ReplyDeleteMy first Guess (Although I love them!)
ReplyDeletewas Kevin Bacon& Kyra Sedgwick
Hopefully I am wrong!
Flower Girl this is a Ted C Blind Item from the Awful Truth Blog. Thank goodness Enty has not started talking this crazy! I just thought from your comment that you may have gotten confused? I don't mean any harm :)
ReplyDeleteI like the Goldie guess….she has not embraced age but neither has CZJ and most people think CZJ lies about her age BIG TIME. The only reason I lean towards Goldie is that it does not say they are married and Goldie and Kurt have never married.
Wow, Goldie sure has gone 'OverBoard'
ReplyDeletefor Kurt this time!
I would have totally said Mel & Antonio before the whole rehab scandal. He really came out and supported her though and said he wasn't going anywhere. I get the feeling that he is really devoted even though I too never thought it would last this long.
ReplyDeletegoldie and kurt
ReplyDeleteDon't know who it is but I'd say that it's a long time couple who are NOT married, as he says they've been shacking up for eons and never says that they're married. Like Hawn/Russell or Sarandon/Robbins. It could be either of them, although I lean toward Hawn as more plastic surgery friendly. But I think there's another couple that we're all overlooking.
ReplyDeleteI thought it could have been mel/antonio, and czj/mdoug crossed my mind too. It was the name Perka that made me lean towards Goldie.
ReplyDeleteThough judging by the icky hands i've seen lately, sjp would be a contender, lol!
i never knew that one could have plastic surgery on their hands. has madonna done this? she needs to.
ReplyDeleteNOT KYRA....NONONONO
ReplyDeleteHOWEVER THE OTHERS....SURE ANY OF THEM...
JUST LOOK AT MADONNA'S HANDS...SCARY
Although I love them, I immediately thought Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins. But I like the Goldie/Kurt guess. The reason I got stuck on blinds in the first place was a Ted C. item ten years ago about an aging actor picking up guys on the strip. I was convinced at the time it was Kurt.
ReplyDeleteAntonio's ass has not dropped and he has recently been very supportive of Melanie. He also reportedly told her to quit it with the plastic surgery.
ReplyDeleteIt ain't CZJ and MD. They have both had tons of plastic surgery and I think she is fine as long as he has cash.
My first thought was Goldie and Kurt.
I never get these. The first couple to pop into my head was Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas. But I agree it's a couple who's probably not married. The only other couple I can think of who aren't married, have been together forever, and where she's had (really bad) cosmetic surgery is Jessica Lange and Sam Shepard. Seems like I've heard rumors about him straying too. Maybe?
ReplyDeleteTea Leoni and David Duchovny perhaps?
ReplyDeleteI immediately thought of Rinna and Hamlin...so I'm back to the drawing board.
ReplyDeleteI don't think this is Kurt & Goldie.
ReplyDeleteThey are not the couple I think of when I hear "Everybody said they wouldn't make it" and "tabloid-headlined long haul"
They are not an against-all-odds or tabloid prone couple IMO
Also re Goldie and Kurt...every now and then I hear rumors that they have an open relationship and that she has her share of affairs so I don't think she would really care. I want to say it is them but the more I think about it the more I think it may be someone else.
ReplyDelete"Schlamm" sounds Jewish to me, which makes me think Michael Douglas. And there have certainly been rumors about both of them -- his first wife said he ran around like crazy, and I've read speculation that their daughter isn't his. But considering how much Ted C detests "Cathy Douglas," as he calls her, I think she's probably already been a blind.
ReplyDeleteOooooo Cyn, I like your guess!! Sam and Jessica. But poor Jess had some bad plastic recently, don't know if she'd let them do her hands!!
ReplyDeleteMelanie Griffith and Antonio Banderas, and that's sort of boring.
ReplyDeleteI saw something about this procedure recently -- apparently they inject your hands with the same sort of fillers they use in the face and it plumps them up so they're less veiny-looking.
ReplyDeleteThe Rinna/Hamlins have had ups and downs professionally, but personally I don't recall any downs ... no rehab, kid drama, etc.
My first thought was Melanie/Antonio.
It only took an extra 6-7 years, but CZJ finally reached the age of 40!
ReplyDeleteMy first thought was CZJ and Michael D. based on the Perka Penis-Player v. Catherine Zeta-Jones coincidence.
ReplyDeleteBUT, since their is no "husband/wife" reference, I could totally see it being Goldie and Kurt.
Califblondy - too funny - I was thinking the same thing. There was a time CZJ and I were the same age! I gotta get a better time tracking system.
ReplyDeleteohhh, I love the Jessica L and Sam S guess...
ReplyDeleteI kind of thought it was Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick. She does have very old and veiny hands. But don't know that I'd classify him as a 'still doable guy'. In fact, I don't think he was ever really attractive beyond his Ferris Bueller days. But, his mother is Jewish, if the 'Schlamm' name was a hint of his ethnicity.
ReplyDeleteCecilia, I agree with you and why it isn't Goldie and Kurt.
ReplyDeleteI was actually thinking Will and Jada.
And for those who don't know, it's no surprise about hands. It used to be the neck, women used scarves to wrap around their neck because that was the telltale sign of age that surgeons couldn't fix. Then they figured out how to do that so it became all about the hands telling age. I'm not surprised they figured out how to make hands look younger.
I think CZJ would get a huge settlement from MD if he cheated on her, it's written in the prenup.
ReplyDeleteThat being said I don't know who this is.
For some reason my first thought was Annette Bening and Warren Beatty. But, maybe they are too old? And, she's not really considered a "sex kitten". So, I don't know...but I like the Hawn/Russell choice.
ReplyDeleteHell, Goldie needs a lot more than her hands lifted. She looks like hell without her makeup because she has no fat in her face, only sag skin.
ReplyDeleteKyra and Kevin?
ReplyDeletei'm with Bening/Beatty team
ReplyDeleteAshton/Demi?
ReplyDeleteMy first thought was Goldie and Kurt...But the more I think about it, it could very well be Demi and Ashton. Didn't she get a crap load of work done already? And isn't there other BI's about his fidelity??
ReplyDeleteJust a thought :)
Happy Weekend Everyone!!!!
Oh.. I didn't read it thoroughly enough :)
ReplyDeleteNot Demi/Ashton
It could be any of the couples mentioned above...
I hope not Goldie and Kurt.. I love them together!
I immediately thought Sarah Jessica/Mathew B
ReplyDeletemy first thought was courtney cox-arquette and david arquette. seemed like an unlikely couple from the beginning. and i think 'penis' was a reference to her last name
ReplyDeletei thought Demi and Ashton within the first sentence...
ReplyDeletePerka-Penis Player - that name slays me!
ReplyDeleteIs Ashton really AGING though? That's why they never crossed my mind. Sure, she's old, but I wouldn't consider him aging.
ReplyDeleteErr...I meant to write, "sure she is OLDER." Ooops.
ReplyDelete?Seeing the word "desperation," I first thought of Felicity and Bill but then from the nicknames thought of Thomas Schamme and Christine Lahti. He hasn't done much since Studio 60 but that's tv and Ted wrote "box office appeal." Christine is the new D.A. on L&O:SVU and has so obviously had face surgery. But nothing about her is sex-kittenish.
ReplyDeleteHmm.
I think this fits Beatty and Benning. Back in the day, if she hadn't gotten p.g., he never would have married her. He's always been a horndog and his marriage did nothing to stop that. So I'll guess these two.
I once saw them to hand injections on Dr. 90210 and it ended up looking really unnatural and sort of rubbery.
ReplyDeleteSusan Sarandon + Tim Robbins
ReplyDelete