Oh King Schlong! How happy you're about to make many of your groupies all over the world, when they find out that high profile relationship you're in don't mean a thang.
See, King is king for a reason. He's charming, knows how to command a room, and is good looking in that yeah, I know I'm the s--t kind of way.
So, it only makes sense he found an equally yummy counterpart whom he has flaunted all over the world.
But does she know where her man's penis plays when she's away?
Lots of places, really, but one girl she might be super pissed about her man shagging is a well-known L.A. party chick who has bedded the likes of one Shafterella Shoshtein's boy bitches, Super Duper-Cooper, and the bisexual star who gave Crescent Kumquat herpes.
Don't you just love the one degree of Blind Vice separation in this town?
Anyhoo, party honey was pulling her phone out and showing all kinds of dirty texts that King Schlong was sending her while he was supposedly with his pretty babe.
"She's so stupid," quipped the preening slut about King's main gal. "He cheats on her all the time. But he's good in bed and hot, so I don't feel bad about it."
It's true, King Schlong has his moniker for a reason. He's quite royally equipped.
And it's only a matter of time before that gorgeous babe of his catches him putting his jewels where they don't belong—and calls it off.
Clearly, it's what the eternal bachelor is aiming for.
And It Ain't: Joel Madden, Kanye West, Johnny Depp
Leonardo "King of the World" DiCaprio
ReplyDeleteTimberlake already has a blind with Ted, right?
ReplyDeleteMy first thought was obviously Clooney.
ReplyDeleteThe name syllables don't exactly match, but they don't always, in Ted-speak.
A-Rod and Cammie
ReplyDeleteoops didn't notice the eternal batchelor
ReplyDeleteRussell Brand?
ReplyDeleteYeah I think Russell and Katy Perry
ReplyDeleteI thought Clooney, too but @selenakyle is right, the syllables don't match.
ReplyDeleteI don't think it's Leo since Giselle said he was a 4. And Russell Brand just got married -- I hope this isn't him.
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ReplyDelete@RocketQueen
ReplyDeleteTimberlake is thought to be Jerry Rock-Butt.
I like the DiCaprio guess
Jason Statham/Rosie Huntington-Whiteley
ReplyDeleteClooney & Dicaprio yet were Ted C's blind vices so it's not them
ReplyDeletei think he's a musician(it says "groupies") and he's not married so i think on Marron 5 's singer who is with a Victoria Secret's model
@Cecilia - right! He's definitely Rock-Butt - had forgotten about that one.
ReplyDeleteI think DiCaprio's the best guess.
But Leo is hideous. Or am I wrong on that one?
ReplyDeleteTed says he's got that "yeah I know I'm hot" thing going, so I ask, LEO? That's quite a stretch. If not for his money and fame I'd bet he'd be hard-pressed to get pussy. He's a pasty-faced dough-boy.
Statham, Clooney, anyone but Leo for the super-good looks part of this one.
But JMO.
I like the Russell Brand guess. He's the only other person I can think of other than a musician who might have groupies.
ReplyDeleteI think it's supposed to be Jon Hamm, personally. The theory about syllabic count fits -- King Schlong (Jesus dogshit...) = Jon Hamm. And he's been with his lady for over ten years, and they're not married, so he *is* technically still a bachelor.
ReplyDeleteI don't even WANT to know who the ~L.A. Party Girl~ is, but I've always been amazed that Jon's supposedly this anomaly in Hollywood -- a dude who knows how to keep his dong in his pants.
And, lest we forget, every lady out there wants to boink him. The same cannot be said for Brand or Timberlake, sorry.
And if you don't want JH, good. More for me.
P.S. It's a Ted blind, so we NEED to be skeptical, obviously. ;-)
Adam what's his name from Maroon 5 would be a good fit here, definitely.
ReplyDeleteWell, the Hamm is known to have a gigantic dong but I don't think it's him. But I think he's not exactly considered a bachaelor after 10 years.
ReplyDeleteI'm leaning towards musician/athlete with this one.
Groupies to me suggests a muscian. What are the boys from Kings of Leon up to?
ReplyDeleteAdam Levine.
ReplyDeleteTwo hands to cover him up in the photo?
ReplyDeletebrad pitt??
ReplyDeletewho the hell would guess Joel Madden?
ReplyDeletehaha
Adam Levine is a great guess. But is his relationship that high profile? Leo?
ReplyDeleteJonathan Rhys Meyers (King Henry VIII) and Reena Hammer
ReplyDeleteThis HAS to be Ashton Kutcher.
ReplyDeleteBar Rafaeli by all standards in modeling has a lower profile than Anne V (Levine's gf).
ReplyDeleteI'd hate this to be Adam, but so much fits.
Plus two aint's are uncanny: joel madden has tattoos, jew blood, and has lots of friends in common with Adam; Adam and Kanye collaborated in two songs. The only thing that doesn't fit is Johnny Depp, but beside that (size included)... All seems to.
Though being Ted it can be BS still.
@ interplanet janet I thought about Ashton too but he is Married to Demi. Gotta be Paris for the party chick.
ReplyDeleteI like the Clooney or Dicaprio guesses. Clooney fits the clues the best, especially the part about flaunting Elisabeta "all over the world". They've been photographed together in many different countries. However, if it is Clooney, I think he'll have to do the dumping. Elisabeta seems like she loves being the girlfriend and will put up with just about anything to keep living the A-list lifestyle.
ReplyDeleteClooney has been married and isn't he thought to be gay anyway?
ReplyDeleteFirst thought was George Clooney. I forgot he was married once ! I don't think he's gay no matter what rumors are around about him. He seems way hetero to me ! (PLEASE DON"T BE GAY).
ReplyDeleteJon Hamm is a great guess.
@Katja -
ReplyDeleteKatja, there have been murmurings in the gossip blogs over the last few days that Dashton's marriage might not actually be legal. They had a Kabbalah ceremony but rumor has it that they never got the license. So that's why I think it could be him. :)
I read this and screamed RUSSELL BRAND!
ReplyDeleteDerek Jeter?
ReplyDeleteI will say Derek Jeter and Minka Kelly.
ReplyDeleteOh dang, I was doing research on DJ when you posted that, izz! :D ^5 I think we got this one.
ReplyDeletewhat about Jeffrey Dean Morgan?
ReplyDeleteRussell Brand is married, can't be an "eternal bachelor." That also cancels out anyone who has been or is getting married (Clooney, KoL Caleb Followill). I'm guessing this is either Derek Jeter (but does he really "flaunt" Minka?) or Leo DiCaprio.
ReplyDeleteAdam Levine's model girlfriend is in their video, is that considered flaunting her all over the world? Off to blinditemsexposed.com, those people keeps copious files on all of Ted's nicknames.
ReplyDeleteCan't be Clooney, Leo, or Ashton. They are already blind vices from Ted. I like the Adam Levine guess, but still doesn't fit exactly.
ReplyDeleterussell - travels all over the world with katy.... he's only attractive because of his confidence and he's english and funny so charming yes... i immediately thought of russell.
ReplyDeleteRussell Brand and A-Rod are rumored to not be particularly well-endowed so I doubt it's either of them.
ReplyDelete@ LAYLA:
ReplyDelete"Jew blood" is not an appropriate way to describe someone who is Jewish or has Jewish ancestry. That phrase is actually offensive and disgusting.
[longtime lurker...who is always pleasantly surprised at how people here don't throw offensive terms around like that.]
adam rodriquez people are so jaded about him he uses black women as shields all the time,such as mya, regina king,ciarra pardo, beverly peele and now singer melanie fiona when she catch an std don,t got mad at noone but yourself,he,s an man whore so will never make an good husband.
ReplyDeleteit's definitely not Russell Brand.... have you seen his tiny penis?
ReplyDeletehttp://tofangsazan-the.blogspot.com/2011/01/dear-katyperry-if-you-want-to-get-your.html
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ReplyDeleteNot Clooney - it says eternal bachelor and Clooney was once married.
ReplyDeleteI know Clooney was married once, but he declared that he will never marry again.
ReplyDelete@*girl - Hamm is rumored to have a gigantic dong?? *perks* Wow, and I thought he was already perfect. :-P
Derek Jeter and Minka Kelly.
ReplyDeleteYes, Hamm has been caught several times at photo ops "going commando" with little left to the imagination.
ReplyDelete