Everyone in Hollywood is wondering who Portia Vajazzle is dating.
She flies solo when she's strutting her stuff on whatever red carpet she happens to be walking that week, and even though she's been linked up to some of the hottest hunks this side of Beverly Hills, she remains (shockingly) single.
Or so she says. You see, Ms. Portia is plenty busy behind closed doors...
"She sleeps with everyone," a pal very in the know about Portia's lusty life tells us.
Well, she won't sleep with just anyone. She's got certain standards that must be met, but we'll get to that in a moment.
So who did this young, gorgeous gal bed most recently?
Blind Vicer Stinky Carrot-Crotch, who is known more for his sometimes-silly jokes than his skills between the sheets.
Um, what gives, Porsh? You can totally do better than that dud.
Thing is, P.V. knows exactly what she's doing. She's a crafty chica and digs men with power. Well, uses men with power is more like it.
See, Stinky was more than happy to have her on the set of his latest flick when he knew how easy it was to get into her panties (ya know, if she's even wearing any to begin with).
It's the same stint Portia pulled with the movie before Mr. Carrot-Crotch's. And the one before that too.
We're not positive if Portia's been bedding these dudes to land the roles or just sleeping around once she's gotten the gig, but if we know anything about this town, we're guessing it's the former.
And It Ain't: Ashley Greene, Blake Lively, Jennifer Lawrence
I think it's ScarJo. To my knowledge, Ted hasn't written a vice about her yet, and it would be kinda timely to do so now.
ReplyDeleteLove-Hewitt. Who else Vajazzles? must be bored to Vajazzle your Vajayjay, it would be more simple to paint it, less painful to get it out afterwards.
ReplyDeletewould we describe JLuv (sticking my finger down my throat after typing that!) as "young?" she's getting a little long in the tooth to be called young.
ReplyDeleteplus, her former boyfriends can't possibly be called hunks. Jamie Kennedy, anyone?
ReplyDeletebut Kit was a hunk; so was her ex fiance.
ReplyDeleteI sure as hell wouldn't describe JLH as "crafty," either! And she mostly works on those wonderfully awful Lifetime movies -- not sure if she walks too many red carpets. And I wouldn't say her boyfriends are powerful men, either -- if anything, they're total dorks the majority of the time.
ReplyDeleteI know this isn't always true for these blinds, but sometimes Ted's (ridiculous) made-up monikers mirror the syllabic count in the subject's name -- and Por-tia Va-daz-zle kinda sounds like Scar-lett Jo-han-sson.
Oh! One more reason why I don't think this is JLH: whenever she gets her claws in a man, she drags him EVERYWHERE. If she's attached, that guy *will* be forced to go everywhere in public with her. Scarlett is waaaaaay more private.
ReplyDeletewho is this carrot guy? seth macfarlane was the top choice right?
ReplyDeletehis new movie is "ted". but idk who this would be. i woudln't think mila cuz she's in family guy so obv that's why she'd do his movie. she wouldn't have to sleep with him.....
i do like the scarjo idea, but some of the stuff doesn't quite fit. the liking men with power - ryan reynolds, hot as he is, not so powerful. but then sean penn would fit. idk if i'd call her "schockingly single" either. she's only been divorced for a short time and she was with sean penn for a bit. but i'm not completely doubting that its her either....
@Ida -
ReplyDeleteone time, for about a week, my bedroom cable box was stuck on Lifetime. If I wanted to wind down in bed with a little television, my choice was always some truly terrible actress in jeopardy from a man she thought she could trust. Alternately, it feature a vulnerable/evil babysitter.
Ah, reminiscing!
easy OLIVIA WILDE
ReplyDelete@ms snarky -- Oh, those movies got me through college, honestly. The ONLY channel I watched was Lifetime.
ReplyDeleteMy favorites were Mother, May I Sleep With Danger? and Co-Ed Call Girl. Forget Donna Martin. THOSE were Tori's finest roles, right there.
@Nellie -- I think Ted's mentioned how Olivia's already been the subject of a vice. She *would* fit these clues, though.
I don't see the connection with Scarlett Jo. The And It Ain'ts are all little starlets. I see Scarlett to be more of a movie star, not one in the beginning of her career. If she doesn't put out a great movie like the Girl with the Pearl Earing soon, I might even say that her greatest work is already behind her.
ReplyDeleteAnd Stinky Carrot-Crotch, who else would fit then Jamie Kennedy. Yuck.
To me, JLH was always a tv star, could never make it in movies, and it surprising how much tv work she had done,
How many men she had publicly dated, and how many times she had come close to marry. That is surprising to me that she is still not married.
Ida- you must not have seen my favorite - A Face to Die For, starring Yasmeen Bleeth as a disfigured woman who falls in love with the doctor that gives her plastic surgery, only to find out he gave her the face of his dead wife.
ReplyDeleteThis is supposed to be a young actress so I can't imagine it's someone over 30. Gotta go w/ Nellie on this one -- seems like Olivia Wilde will bed anything that moves.
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ReplyDeleteAgree. Oliva Wilde. She will bed anything that moves to get ahead.
ReplyDeleteI'm with Nellie on this one too. Olivia Wilde is all about the "who IS she dating now..."
ReplyDeleteBut please dont let Carrot be Seth. I lurrve him.
And Cathy LOVED LOVED LOVED that movie! I also love the one Bleeth played the cheerleader killer in. You guys forgot about them cheerleader/ beauty queen killer movies they throw in once in a while to "spice" things up.
I totally <3 lifetime for the late evening reruns though. Best 80s sitcoms ever...
Like Ida said, it can't be Olivia W. She's been confirmed a BV star for a few months now.
ReplyDeleteI'm liking the Scarlett guess.
Okay Ida, ONCE AGAIN I get trapped by your references to TV and I neglect to read the remainder of your post which may actually be relevant to the blog item. You really need to start putting those at the end... :D
ReplyDeletePerhaps Enty will run a side item so we can just put comments on there... Although, then I'd never be back here...
Thank you Reno for pointing it out.
Based on that little extra bit of info, I'll go with Scarlett.
No. Don't think it's Scarjo. She hasn't remained "shockingly" single. She just got out of a 2 yr marriage, then went straight to Sean Penn, which they only broke up a couple of months ago. It's not shocking she's single. She probably needs a break from dating.
ReplyDelete@crila - you're right; a break from dating would give the sores from sean a chance to heal. (take that in whatever way you'd like)
ReplyDeleteI thought it was Oliva Munn that Ted confirmed has been the subject of a blind? (She-Devil Dees or something). I like Wilde for this blind, too, though the clues are pointing to JLH.
ReplyDelete@Cathy...LOL!!! True, so true.
ReplyDelete@RocketQueen...I think you're right that it's Olivia Munn who was confirmed, not Olivia Wilde.
I don't know who Vajazzle is, but I had to go back and look up the BV about Carrot Crotch (it's about a dude who is bad in bed)...looks like the #1 guess for him is Seth MacFarlane. *insert Darth Vader NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOO here*.
ReplyDelete@Maja -- I can see Seth as Carrot Crotch (sorry!). I do think he's slightly better-looking than how Ted describes him -- but he's probably not really Ted's type. ;-)
ReplyDeleteOlivia Munn was She-Devil Dees, Jessica Biel is Chutney Jones, and JT is Rockbutt or something like that -- all those Timberlake blinds are easy as hell to figure out. But I could have *sworn* the other Olivia had a vice, too -- I might be thinking of something I read on BG, though.
I can go with Olivia W., but there ain't no way in hell this is JLH.
;-) Her desperation to be publicly coupled up is too obvious.
@cathy -- "you must not have seen my favorite - A Face to Die For, starring Yasmeen Bleeth as a disfigured woman who falls in love with the doctor that gives her plastic surgery, only to find out he gave her the face of his dead wife."
I watched the HELL out of that movie back in high school! I wonder whatever happened to Yasmine? I always thought she was gorgeous.
Seth McFarlane is Mooney Tuna or something like that, definitely not Carrot-Crotch.
ReplyDelete.... (ya know, if she's even wearing any to begin with)....
ReplyDeleteI would guess Sharon Stone just based on that comment and the movie being "Basic Instinct", you know the one where she flashes him.
But, the "aints" are all younger so I do not know.
I like the Olivia Wilde and Seth MacFarlane guesses.
ReplyDeleteBwwwahaha! I remember "A Face To Die For"! Is that the one where she becomes a famous fashion designer??
ReplyDeleteAnd come on, people - you have to look at Ted's "And It Aint's" - they are all starlets. ScarJo is a B+ actress. it's someone younger.
@ms snarky - "a little long in the tooth" made me LOL so much that I had to tweet that.
ReplyDelete@Ida - LOVED 'Death Of A Cheerleader'. Tori classic.
I simply MUST find "A Face To Die For"!
ReplyDelete@Rocket Queen - well, Mooney Tuna ain't much better. Darth Vader sound effect still applies.*L*
ReplyDeleteDon't know who this is but I have to chime in on the Lifetime movies and say yes Death of a Cheerleader is one my favorites (where Tori is killed by Kelly Martin) and then there is the love triangle one with the two teenaged lovers who are going to go to WestPoint and some other school.
ReplyDeleteOh and please please please don't let this be Seth! I love him.
I hope its not mila. she's not a great actress, but she seems more honest than most in hollywood.
ReplyDeleteI say its olivia and seth. I believe that they were once on the same bill maher 'realtime' show.
also, olivia recently said something about how if she was actually sleeping w/all of the men she was supposed to be sleeping with, she'd have to have 4 vaginas.
she does some humanitarian work and claims she puts up w/hollywood just to support that work. ha ha.
I find her completely disingenuous. she said that she hasn't had plastic surgery but that she wouldn't rule it out when she started to get older. really olivia? have you not seen the before pictures of yourself w/the larger nose and the thinner lips?
also, she named herself after oscar wilde, which is really ballsy. her real name is Olivia Jane Cockburn. which is possibly self descriptive.
to check out the photo:
http://www.sydney4women.com.au/olivia-wilde-plastic-surgery-beauty-treatments-revealed/
What about Jim Carrey for the stinky carrot crotch?
ReplyDeleteI was thinking Eva Mendes or another Latina since he used the word "chica" but I think she's too old.
ReplyDeleteI, too, think this sounds like Olivia Wilde, whom I always confuse with Olivia Munn. I swear I can't keep those two apart in my head.
ReplyDeleteAnnabella! Amazing photo, never seen the before and after. Well, to be fair, never really liked Olivia. Or disliked really. She leaves unaffected, whether he sense of style, or her movie acting.
ReplyDeleteLifetime for sure makes the best worst movies. Ever.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteDidn't Olivia Wilde get divorced recently? I have no guess but I don't see it as being her or ScarJo due to the "shockingly single" comment.
ReplyDeleteis there a reason i'm missing why this isn't mila kunis?
ReplyDeleteI also think it Mila K!
ReplyDeleteI love her, but I think it's Zoe Saldana.
ReplyDeleteI'm so bad at these and this is probably way off, but I thought of Emma Stone for some reason... maybe because I was talking about her hair earlier
ReplyDelete