Rachel Maddow and I were at the Chinese buffet the other day. She asked if I knew where I'd be two year from now. I replied "F*** if I know. I don't have 2020 vision"
The bartender looks at the string and says, "I don't serve strings, get out."
So the string leaves and come back a little later, and again asks for a beer.
The bartender says again, "I told you before, I don;t serve strings. Now get out and don't come back."
The string leaves, goes around the corner. He messes up his hair and contorts himself so he looks a bit different, then goes back to the bar and again asks for a beer.
"Say," asks the bartender, "Aren't you the same string that's come in here twice already asking for a beer?"
There is a fun Youtube series by Whistle Sports where they have athletes tell bad jokes to each other until one laughs. Stuff like: What is the worst vegetable to each on a boat? A Leek
A guy goes up to a bar over a store and has a couple drinks. There's only one other customer there, and he seems pretty drunk. The drunk turns to the new guy and says, "I bet you 5 drinks I can step out that window and not fall."
The new guy takes the bet, and the drunk guy nearly falls out the window trying to climb out, but he doesn't fall down. He comes back in, and tells the new guy he owes him 5 drinks.
The new guy says, "Sure, but can you explain how you did that?"
"Sure," says the drunk guy, "It's actually really funny. There's scaffolding there while they're fixing the outside of the building. You should give it a try."
So, the new guy gets up, steps out the window and promptly falls down to the ground, hitting with a wet smack.
The bartender says to the drunk guy, "You're a real asshole when you're drunk, Superman."
A man gets home and finds his dog dead. He doesn't believe it to be dead, so he wraps it up in a blanket and rushes to the veterinary surgeon. The vet says "I'm afraid, sir, that your dog is dead. I cannot do anything." The man shouts "No, I don't believe you, he must be in a coma or something!" Then a cat walks into the room, looks at the dog and walks out. The vet leaves the room to get the bill. A labrador dog walks into the room and sniffs the dead dog and leaves. When the vet returns, the man says "Okay, my poor dog is dead. How much is the bill?" The vet says "That will be £200. "£200!" cries the man, and asks "Why is the bill so high?" The vet says "That is because of the cat scan and the lab test."
How do you catch an elephant? First you dig a big hole and fill it with ashes. Then you put peas all around the hole. When the elephant comes for a pea, you kick him in the ash hole.
2 hamsters outside a gay bar both drinking pints. The first hamster takes a chug of his pint turns to the other and says "I'm gonna get shitfaced tonight"
How many country and western singers goes it take to change a light globe? Three - one to change the light globe and two to sing about how good the old one was.
@Spiney - lol! Just reminded me of another 'lightbulb joke' Q:Why does it take three pre-menstrual women to change a lightbulb? A: IT JUST DOES, OKAY!!!!
Why did god invent gold chains? so Italians know where to stop shaving.
When is the only time it is polite to spit in an Italian girl's face? when her mustache is on fire.
Why does the bride wear white on her wedding day? because everyone wants their dishwasher to match the stove and fridge.
What is the difference between a woman and a toilet? toilet doesn't want to cuddle after ya drop a load in it.
How many Irish does it take to screw in a light bulb? 2 - one to hold the lightbulb and one to drink until the room spins.
Rabbi and a priest standing on a corner when a cub scout walks by. Priest nudges the rabbi and sez, "Wanna fuck him?" Rabbi looks at the priest and sez, "Outta what?"
A man goes home from work and is greeted by his neighbor who tells him that his cat is dead. The man is shocked, he was very attached to the cat. He tells the neighbor "you shouldn't have told me like that. You should have told me more gently. You could have said the cat got up on the roof. And everyone tried to get him down, but with no luck. Finally with one last try, you crawled up on the roof, but the cat slipped off and died."
His neighbor said "Thanks, I'll remember that."
So the man says, "By the way, where is my wife?"
The neighbor says "Well your wife got up on the roof..."
Why is a musician's band stand like a baker's oven?
That's where they both make their bread! Extra Credit: Riddle appeared on what 1960s TV show - heavy syndicated show for dexades. Guy who said it died this year I believe.
A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a man who is smoking a cigarette. Taking out a cigarette for himself, he realizes he is out of matches and asks the man next to him for a light. The man reaches into his jacket and produces the largest lighter the man has ever seen.
"WOW! That is a huge lighter!" the man exclaims. "I've never seen one that large - where did you get it?"
The man gestures to the old bottle sitting on the bar in front of him, "I got it from my genie in that bottle."
"Yeah, right. I'm not that drunk."
"No, really it's true. In fact, why don't you ask him for something? He loves to grant wishes."
The man laughs and says to the bottle, "Ok "genie" - I want a million bucks."
Suddenly, there is this large crash. The man looks over and sees a duck has landed behind the bar shattering some bottles. As he watches the duck get up and waddle off, more ducks start falling out of the ceiling. Soon, there are ducks coming from everywhere: windows, ceiling, behind the bar...the place is saturated with ducks.
"WAIT A SECOND!" the man yells to the man with the lighter. "I SAID A MILLION BUCKS NOT A MILLION DUCKS!"
The man again produces the lighter and says in reply "You think I wanted a 12 inch BIC?"
Rachel Maddow and I were at the Chinese buffet the other day.
ReplyDeleteShe asked if I knew where I'd be two year from now.
I replied "F*** if I know. I don't have 2020 vision"
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
ReplyDeleteU 'neak up on it!
Still tell this joke every time someone says "unique"
A string walks into a bar and asks for a beer.
ReplyDeleteThe bartender looks at the string and says, "I don't serve strings, get out."
So the string leaves and come back a little later, and again asks for a beer.
The bartender says again, "I told you before, I don;t serve strings. Now get out and don't come back."
The string leaves, goes around the corner. He messes up his hair and contorts himself so he looks a bit different, then goes back to the bar and again asks for a beer.
"Say," asks the bartender, "Aren't you the same string that's come in here twice already asking for a beer?"
"No," says the string, "I'm a frayed knot."
There is a fun Youtube series by Whistle Sports where they have athletes tell bad jokes to each other until one laughs. Stuff like: What is the worst vegetable to each on a boat? A Leek
ReplyDeleteIf Jack was on the roof would you help Jack off?
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteLol'ed at that one, @Do Tell!
ReplyDeleteGuess What.
ReplyDeleteWhat?
Chicken Butt!
Milk, milk, lemonade,
ReplyDeletePush the button... chocolate cake.
A guy goes up to a bar over a store and has a couple drinks. There's only one other customer there, and he seems pretty drunk. The drunk turns to the new guy and says, "I bet you 5 drinks I can step out that window and not fall."
ReplyDeleteThe new guy takes the bet, and the drunk guy nearly falls out the window trying to climb out, but he doesn't fall down. He comes back in, and tells the new guy he owes him 5 drinks.
The new guy says, "Sure, but can you explain how you did that?"
"Sure," says the drunk guy, "It's actually really funny. There's scaffolding there while they're fixing the outside of the building. You should give it a try."
So, the new guy gets up, steps out the window and promptly falls down to the ground, hitting with a wet smack.
The bartender says to the drunk guy, "You're a real asshole when you're drunk, Superman."
April Showers bring May Flowers, but what do May Flowers bring?
ReplyDeletePilgrims
A man gets home and finds his dog dead. He doesn't believe it to be dead, so he wraps it up in a blanket and rushes to the veterinary surgeon. The vet says "I'm afraid, sir, that your dog is dead. I cannot do anything." The man shouts "No, I don't believe you, he must be in a coma or something!" Then a cat walks into the room, looks at the dog and walks out. The vet leaves the room to get the bill. A labrador dog walks into the room and sniffs the dead dog and leaves. When the vet returns, the man says "Okay, my poor dog is dead. How much is the bill?" The vet says "That will be £200. "£200!" cries the man, and asks "Why is the bill so high?"
ReplyDeleteThe vet says "That is because of the cat scan and the lab test."
I used to tell my dad I felt like having something or other for dinner, and he would squeeze my arm and say, "You don't feel like that to me."
ReplyDeleteMy dad also taught us to tell kids, "I can see your philtrum," or "Your epidermis is showing."
Hey @Farmgirl there is a part 2 to your joke.
ReplyDeleteHow do you catch a tame rabbit? The tame way!
Hey All!
ReplyDeleteFirst post from a long-time lurker!
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "Hey buddy...why the long face?".
An oldie but a goodie. :)
Giraffe walks into a bar and says the highballs are on me!
ReplyDeleteWhat's the difference between Joan Collins and the Titanic?
ReplyDeleteOnly fifteen hundred men went down on the Titanic.
How do you catch an elephant? First you dig a big hole and fill it with ashes. Then you put peas all around the hole. When the elephant comes for a pea, you kick him in the ash hole.
ReplyDeleteI stepped on a corn flake this morning.
ReplyDeleteNow I'm a cereal killer.
2 hamsters outside a gay bar both drinking pints.
ReplyDeleteThe first hamster takes a chug of his pint turns to the other and says "I'm gonna get shitfaced tonight"
Kid goes to buy condoms for the first time.
ReplyDeleteThe cashier says "That'll be $7.23 with tax."
Kid, shocked and scared says, "Tacks?! I thought they stayed on by themselves!"
How do you keep an Amish woman happy?
ReplyDeleteTwo Mennonite.
Ha!
How many country and western singers goes it take to change a light globe?
ReplyDeleteThree - one to change the light globe and two to sing about how good the old one was.
My Daddy was a pistol, I'm a son-of-a-gun...
ReplyDeleteThanks, Dad! Also, whenever we said something like, "Oh, isn't that PRETTY!", Dad would say, "Pretty ugly."
Other Dadisms: Go play on the freeway. Go chase a parked car. Me: I'm gonna take a shower now! Dad: It's about time....
@Spiney - lol! Just reminded me of another 'lightbulb joke'
ReplyDeleteQ:Why does it take three pre-menstrual women to change a lightbulb?
A: IT JUST DOES, OKAY!!!!
why cant you masturbate with these 3 fingers (hold up shocker hand)
ReplyDeleteBecause they are mine!
Michael Fassbender is naked standing next to an Elephant, the Elephant looks over at him and says - "nice, but can it pick up peanuts?"
ReplyDelete"Hey do you have a hole in your sock?"
ReplyDelete"No."
"Then how did you put it on?"
What is green and red and goes around real fast?
ReplyDeleteKermit in a blender.
What's green and smells like pork?
All appendages of Kermit.
Want to hear a dirty joke? My horse fell in the mud.
ReplyDeleteWant to hear a clean joke? I washed him off.
I was three when I heard this one.
ReplyDeleteWhat's long and green and waves in the breeze and has red wheels?
Grass. I lied about them red wheels.
~knock knock knock~ "TRICK OR TREAT!"
ReplyDeleteDoor opens, Mr Smith: Hello little Billy, look at you dressed as a pirate! Where are your buccaneers?
Little Billy: Under my bucking hat!
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteWhat do you call a dog sitting by the oven?
ReplyDeletea hot dog!
alternatively, if someone answers with "a hot dog" you just say
no, his name. Why would you change his name just cuz he's sitting by the oven?
people get frustrated then and it's funny to watch
Why did god invent gold chains?
ReplyDeleteso Italians know where to stop shaving.
When is the only time it is polite to spit in an Italian girl's face?
when her mustache is on fire.
Why does the bride wear white on her wedding day?
because everyone wants their dishwasher to match the stove and fridge.
What is the difference between a woman and a toilet?
toilet doesn't want to cuddle after ya drop a load in it.
How many Irish does it take to screw in a light bulb?
2 - one to hold the lightbulb and one to drink until the room spins.
Rabbi and a priest standing on a corner when a cub scout walks by. Priest nudges the rabbi and sez, "Wanna fuck him?" Rabbi looks at the priest and sez, "Outta what?"
Why do they have a pile of dog crap at an Italian wedding?
DeleteTo keep the flies off the bride.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
ReplyDeleteIt was dead.
What creature walks on four legs when it’s young, two legs as an adult, and three legs when it’s old?
ReplyDeleteMan.
I think it was less obvious the way it was originally told...but I can’t remember the original phrasing or wording.
A man goes home from work and is greeted by his neighbor who tells him that his cat is dead. The man is shocked, he was very attached to the cat. He tells the neighbor "you shouldn't have told me like that. You should have told me more gently. You could have said the cat got up on the roof. And everyone tried to get him down, but with no luck. Finally with one last try, you crawled up on the roof, but the cat slipped off and died."
ReplyDeleteHis neighbor said "Thanks, I'll remember that."
So the man says, "By the way, where is my wife?"
The neighbor says "Well your wife got up on the roof..."
What goes clop, clop, bang, bang?
ReplyDeleteAn Amish drive by
A skeleton walks into a bar. Bartender says, “What’ll it be?” Skeleton says, “I’ll have a beer, and a mop.”
ReplyDeleteA three-legged dog saunters into a bar and says, "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw."
ReplyDeleteWhy is a musician's band stand like a baker's oven?
ReplyDeleteThat's where they both make their bread! Extra Credit: Riddle appeared on what 1960s TV show - heavy syndicated show for dexades. Guy who said it died this year I believe.
I won't even try...possibly the world's worst joke teller.
ReplyDeleteA man walks into his physiatrist's office wearing only see thru saran wrap as underwear..his physiatrist says 'well , I can clearly see your nuts".
ReplyDeleteA guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a man who is smoking a cigarette. Taking out a cigarette for himself, he realizes he is out of matches and asks the man next to him for a light. The man reaches into his jacket and produces the largest lighter the man has ever seen.
ReplyDelete"WOW! That is a huge lighter!" the man exclaims. "I've never seen one that large - where did you get it?"
The man gestures to the old bottle sitting on the bar in front of him, "I got it from my genie in that bottle."
"Yeah, right. I'm not that drunk."
"No, really it's true. In fact, why don't you ask him for something? He loves to grant wishes."
The man laughs and says to the bottle, "Ok "genie" - I want a million bucks."
Suddenly, there is this large crash. The man looks over and sees a duck has landed behind the bar shattering some bottles. As he watches the duck get up and waddle off, more ducks start falling out of the ceiling. Soon, there are ducks coming from everywhere: windows, ceiling, behind the bar...the place is saturated with ducks.
"WAIT A SECOND!" the man yells to the man with the lighter. "I SAID A MILLION BUCKS NOT A MILLION DUCKS!"
The man again produces the lighter and says in reply "You think I wanted a 12 inch BIC?"
Your momma's so old her social security # is one.
ReplyDeleteThe joke when we were kids of the worm looking peeking out of the bird's ass, saying, "You wouldn't shit me, would you?"
ReplyDeleteSomething I often find myself asking as I read these posts daily.
Two women are sitting on a front porch in Kentucky, rocking in their rocking chairs and sipping mint juleps.
ReplyDeleteOne says to the other, "You see that barn over thar? Mah daddy built me that barn."
The other one says, "That's niiiice."
They rock and sip, and the first one says, "You see that fence over thar? Mah daddy build me that fence."
The second one says, "That's niiiice."
They sip and rock, and the first one says, "What did yore daddy evah do for you?"
The second one says, "My daddy sent me to finishing school, where I learned to say 'That's niiiice,' instead of 'FUCK YOU'." *smile*
knock knock
ReplyDeletewho's there
smell mop
smell mop who
@ONEWORLD I didn’t get it until I said it out loud! That’s funny!
ReplyDelete