Friday, June 29, 2007

Ted C. Blind Item

Houses in Hell-Ay, just as domiciles round the world sometimes can be, are often used as backgrounds for movie and TV film projects as well as photo shoots. In fact, there are companies that specifically farm out T-town’s more posh houses for whatever media project comes a-callin’—and I’m not talkin’ porno shoots (that’s a diff number ya call, trust).

These housing minders like to think they’re discreet (usually they are) finaglers of design and commerce, sort of architectural matchmakers, if you will. Very snitty and highbrow, exclusive, that sorta thang.

Which is why Butt-Burning Bruce, media and film legend of sorts, called one particular firm like the ones mentioned above. B3 hasn’t exactly been working that much as of late (so, no, all you hard-working detectives, it ain’t Monsieur Willis, I’ll say that much right now). Mr. Bee, uh, needed some loot—fast. What better way to score some major quickie moolah than to rent out his supercool lovelorn pad perched so magnificently in the City of Fallen Heartthrobs, right? So, he did.

And now he regrets doing so.

See, when the film company that subsequently came in to take advantage of B.B.B.’s hipper-than-slick streamlined job, what just about everybody involved on the project got instead was what B. left in the oversize master b-room. And, no, I don’t mean he simply forgot to flush.

Butt-Burning failed to remove a fancy jewelry box from a polished bathroom counter. Not that fabulous gems and baubles could have been stolen, not at all. Carats of far greater value (i.e., kinkiness) were inside: sex toys, to be exact. Guess they’d been placed on the counter for washing, one supposes.

And sure as you can smell a whole lotta strawberry-flavored lube right about now, B3 had an entire assortment of dildos, whips and ticklers in the wooden container. Used. All of it.

Gross me out with an industrial-size bottle of 409, already!

Hey, Bruce, don’t you know you’re supposed to put that crap in the dishwasher, boyfriend? Gosh, straight guys never know how to get really debauched efficiently, do they?

(By the by, B-boy, those playthings for your partner—or you?)

51 comments:

kath said...

Improvement, 409, efficient: Tim Allen

Anonymous said...

And it Aint....
Harrison Ford
David Hasselhoff
Cuba Godding Jr.

Anonymous said...

Ron Jeremy. Entourage filmed at his house not too long ago...

which makes this even more disgusting...

I need a shower. I feel dirty.

Anonymous said...

Jim Carrey -
'Bruce' as in 'Bruce Almighty'
'Butt Burning' - burns his butt in Dumb and Dumber
Is Jim Carey working much?

Kath said...

Jim Carrey just had that movie out..."23"...but nobody went to see it. Ron Jeremy is a good guess, but wouldn't you almost expect to find something of that nature there?

Be Adequite! said...

Carrey's a good guess :-)
Aren't the ain'ts names supposed to fit somehow too?
I'll throw in Colin Farrell's name, no support or research yet.. just got Colin on the brain I guess!

Happy Fri everyone!

hello kitty said...

Isn't Ron Jeremy out promoting a biography?

I get the impression that he has done well for himself, usually keeping busy in non mainstream projects that never catch the attention of those not reading AVN.

This sounds much more like a NIc Cage........

Anonymous said...

I don't think it's Nicholas Cage, he has 6 movies lined up. Although Carrey only has two and one of them is voice work. But Kitty I think you're right about the age, I think it's someone who has been in the biz for awhile. Starting to dig now.

Tracee

Anonymous said...

Actually, I like Kath's guess - it really goes with the And It Aint's.

Harrison Ford - totally aging.

David Hasselhoff - same time era as his own show Home Improvement.

Cuba Gooding Jr - not sure yet...

Ron Jeremy (and por folks in general) would be too obviously kinky.

~mel

Anonymous said...

oops, that was p*rN folks in general, my apologies.

Anonymous said...

Michael Keaton...Bruce Wayne...hasn't really been in anything lately.

Anonymous said...

I like Tim Allen. But what about Sylvester Stallone?

He co-owns Planet Hollywood with Bruce and he lost the role of John McClane to Bruce. When he got caught with the steroids they slapped him with over $10,000 in fines. And he used to lift weight heavily like Arnold, maybe that refers to the butt-burning.

Harrison Ford-aging action star
David Hasselhoff-recent bizarre behavior
Cuba Gooding-made the tabs recently

Just throwing him out there. But Tim Allen and Jim sound good.

Tracee

Anonymous said...

Totally off topic but this recent bit on Page Six made me think of the BI about the women who actually did the singing while the other youg woman took all the credit and cash. If this has been discussed already then ignore me but does little story make you think of Britney Spears for the BI?

Page Six
"There's no way. Britney said she would only dance or lip-sync - and to be on stage with Cyndi, you have to actually perform. It's not happening now."

Be Adequite! said...

I think B's just too scared to sing live again (and that's probably a wise decision)...I don't think MV was ever revealed, right?

Anonymous said...

Be adequite!
No it wasn't revealed, but I'm hoping Ent will let us know more next week. I've still got my $$ on JLO.

Happy Friday ALL!

Tracee

Cali Girl said...

Maybe this guy is in that high stakes poker game along with our A-lister who lost $2million in one nite...

Anonymous said...

Speaking of JLO, I saw Marc Anthony on TV the other night. Oh. My. God. He's like the male version of Celine Dion...
CHEESE-O-RAMA!

hlillywhite said...

I'm guessing Jerry Seinfeld...doesn't he have that Bee movie coming out ("Mr. Bee" in the BI)...

Anonymous said...

Reading Ted's BI's makes my head hurt. I hate them!!!!

Anonymous said...

hlillywhite--I think you're on to something.
Seinfeld's character in the Bee Movie is named Barry B. Benson. On the other hand, it seems unlikely that he would need money, but who knows?

hello kitty said...

Why is everyone guessing straight male actors?

Hasn't anyone checked out IMDB?

Michael Keaton has 3 projects in the works (pre & post).

Jim Carey isn't known for his posh digs and certainly isn't hurting for cash.

Jerry Seinfeld is a NY'er.

And btw, anyone take special notice when Hugh Laurie said in a tv tabloid interview that he had given up poker lately due to being to tired to have a good poker face?

Anonymous said...

hello kitty said...
Why is everyone guessing straight male actors?

Because the BI says
"Gosh, straight guys never know how to get really debauched efficiently, do they?"

Kramer is a Racist said...

Seinfeld is a Gazillionaire with syndication...he definitely doesn't need any money.

Anonymous said...

Jerry Seinfeld also has a fascination with Superman... Bruce Wayne.... just sayin

Kathy said...

Well, I immediately thought of Danny Bonnaduce ..... I guess that doesn't fit "film legend" but he does say "of sorts" ..... If he kept the house that he lived in when he filmed his reality show, it's a fabulous place and it's up in the Hills.

I'd say he's a media legend "of sorts", but film only if we get to count filming TV shows.

Anonymous said...

"media and film legend of sorts,"

Perhaps it is not an actor? Director or producer?

Anonymous said...

Anonymous said...
Jerry Seinfeld also has a fascination with Superman... Bruce Wayne.... just sayin

Um, well, Bruce Wayne is Batman, Clark Kent is Superman....

Or maybe you knew that and I misunderstood your post. If so, sorry :)

Anonymous said...

Just a friendly reminder...Please don't feed the trolls! :)

Anonymous said...

Gretchen got to keep the Bonaduce house. So that's out. Although he would fit as someone who would whore out his house to make money.
Seinfeld makes/has WAY too much money. So that's out too.
And can I just say~ who the f*ck would leave a box FULL of DIRTY sex toys out when you KNOW people are coming over? WTF? I don't buy it.

Anonymous said...

"And can I just say~ who the f*ck would leave a box FULL of DIRTY sex toys out when you KNOW people are coming over? WTF? I don't buy it."

I'm heading in that direction myself!

Anonymous said...

"Hey, Bruce, don’t you know you’re supposed to put that crap in the dishwasher, boyfriend?"

Whips and ticklers DO NOT go in the dishwasher.
Don't ask me how I know.

kath said...

Danny Bonoduce said on his radio show that his house burned down in the fires last month....he was complaining that he was homeless.

kath said...

I am with you on the "media"....I was think Billy Bob Thornton...writer/actor....he has alot of child support to pay!

hello kitty said...

Please note that TC uses the generic "partner" in place of a gender specific.

By now we should know that there are plenty of "metrosexuals" running around T-town.

Stinky said...

I don't know why this is so shocking. I mean, a lot of people have sex toys. It is embarrassing that they were left out. It might be someone who has enough money that they told someone to clean the house and the assistant/maid/other overlooked the stuff.

I am leaning toward a straight actor because it asks if the dildo is for his partner or him. Not too shocking if the dildo is for the lady. More risque if it is for the male.

Also, I am fixated on the phrase "lovelorn pad." Also, because it says "fallen heartthrobs" I am thinking he is a fallen heartthrob. Not just a film legend, but a sex symbol.

Just my two cents.

oh, I also don't think it is Seinfeld. The money coming in from those DVD's is obscene. A few years ago he built a several million dollar garage for his cars in NYC.

Thinking and will offer some guesses soon. This is just my pre-guess brainstorming!

Be Adequite! said...

Yeah my sexthings most def do NOT get cleaned in the same machine where my dishes get washed...bleeech.

hello kitty said...

For all you know, it could be Alexis Arquette!

Anonymous said...

Burt Reynolds.

Anonymous said...

Ron jeremy for sure, for sure

imcshe said...

A lot of guesses on the Ted C. board were for Don Johnson. Could be...

Anonymous said...

on the Ron Jeremy page too - he would not only have the toys, probably enjoy them himself and since he did that reality show enjoys the publicity and intentionally left the toys out. To keep his name in print.

Anonymous said...

to add to the above he's the only one mentioned that is a "media and film legend OF SORTS"

hello kitty said...

In that case you should add Peter North to the list of guesses.

Anonymous said...

Okay so the 409 still bugs me. I looked up actors born on April 9th, and Dennis Quaid born on April 9th 1954. Does he own a home in LA?

Tracee

Twisted Sister said...

In the book, "Tabloid Prodigy", the author talks about how the Globe was able to get copies of receipts for sex toys and movies that Don Johnson bought in porn stores all over CA. Could be him.

No offense, but I think some of you must a bit naive or prudish if you think porn stars are the only people who would have sex toys.

Twisted Sister said...

Tracee, maybe it just means they should have used Formula 409 to clean them. ;-)

EEEEEEeeeewwwwwwwwwww..........

Anonymous said...

Twisted,
I get that. I just thought Ted might be giving a clue with that. Straight up nasty though. And yeah my sex toys are not going into the dishwasher.

Didn't Howard Stern get sued by a woman for sexual harassment because she found sex toys in the dishwasher? At first i didn't think much but man I wouldn't eat off any plates in house that did that. End up with pubic hair and "juiciness" all up in the mouth.

-Spew!

Tracee

Anonymous said...

Kirk Cameron

Anonymous said...

Austrailain men are known as "Bruces"

Russell Crowe

Anonymous said...

What about Mark Wahlberg?

Jem said...

What a lame blind item of Ted's! So a star has sex toys. Who doesn't?