Friday, August 22, 2008

I Want To Be Cranky



I am getting to that point in life where I want to be the cranky old man who lives down the street. You know the one. The guy who would never throw the ball back, but would either keep it, or send it back over the fence cut up or shredded. I want to be the guy that all the little kids are scared of. The one house they cross the street to avoid because he is always outside yelling at nothing in particular.

Right now, I known more for the pain and misery I cause my parents by living at home, then for being the cranky guy in the basement. I do sometimes yell out the windows at people walking by, but lets face it, I can only see their feet, so they are not exactly terrified.

Celebrities are not immune to this crankiness. You get old enough and you have some money, then you are going to take care of your crankiness in ways most of us can't.

Bette Midler and those pesky tress at her house in Hawaii? Gone. Sean Connery and his neighbors in NY. Wow, talk about cranky on both sides. Now, comes word that Lily Tomlin did the cranky bit and chopped down trees belonging to her neighbor. Just chopped them down because she thought they might fall. When the neighbors called the cops, the lumberjacks split. When the cops left, the lumberjacks returned.

At some point I guess you reach that age where you just stop wanting to work things out or be sweet and amenable. Nope, when you hit a certain age it is just f**k it, chop em down. You figure what are the cops going to do if they come? Fine, they arrest me and I'm in jail for a few hours. Chances are you are retired so it doesn't really matter for job purposes. You know you are not going to prison for years over it, and hey, you got the damn trees down.

27 comments:

Katja said...

My neighbor has a huge tree (3 stories high) that creaks and I alway fear that it will crush my house. I can relate.

not a famous adrian said...

does reporting your neighbors to the town for doing disgusting illegal work without permits count?
If it does, I am afraid I have reached that age.

jax said...

you can easily rid a dangerous tree by calling a pro who will come out and assess the age etc. and give the neightbor a report.
we had to do this b4 because our beighbor refused to cut an old tree that was damaging my parents roof. once the insurance company got involved the neighbor caved.

but yes i wan to be the cranky old broad who pays for everything in pennies too!

Mooshki said...

I am thisclose to getting my neighbor's two sets of trucks & trailers towed if he doesn't stop parking them in front of my duplex for weeks at a time. :)

Molly said...

not a famous adrian - lmao!

what about dogs that do their thing on your lawn and next door neighbors who refuse to pick it up? am i considered cranky when i deposit it right outside their front door? add me to the crab list if the answer is yes.

Punkimeowzer said...

Does snarling at whomever invades my space on the NYC subway count? If so, I am totally there!

Ayesha said...

Wow, I am glad I live in an apartment in the city. The worst problem I've had with a neighbor in YEARS is when she burned something in the oven and the smoke filled the hallway.

Ayesha said...

Wow, I am glad I live in an apartment in the city. The worst problem I've had with a neighbor in YEARS is when she burned something in the oven and the smoke filled the hallway.

Mooshki said...

Molly, I'd consider that a restrained reaction. Those people piss me off, because I get yelled at by strangers when I'm walking my dog, even though I pick up every solid bit that comes out of her.

selenakyle said...

Secretly drive copper nails into the trees at night. Trees will die.

Leave big bowls of cheap canned dog food out to let their dog gorge on so he pukes back home.

Used frying oil works great, too, but don't use hot oil--don't hurt the dog, just make him puke.

They eat everything and puke all the time anyway, but it'll be a nasty cleaning job for the neighbor.

Just some nice methods of getting them back...

Molly said...

selena with my luck he'd puke on my lawn and then go home. i like dogs i just dont like their calling cards. i want to leave filled up diapers on their lawn but i dont know anyone with a baby.

mooshki i've talked to them several times and the only time they pick it up is when i talk to them again. forgive the people who yell at you it's a kneejerk reaction out of frustration. i did that too one time and then apologized saying i recognized them and knew they always picked their dog stuff up. they just laughed. they knew why i was pissed.

never buy a house on a corner. it sucks.

not a famous adrian said...

Molly--I was standing in front of my house this week, a woman walking her dogs stopped right by my 2 garbage pails, & stood there while I was 4 feet away from her & let the dogs pee all over the cans. I said nicely--"Please don't have your dogs pee on my cans" and she glared at me & walked away.

not a famous adrian said...

selenakyle--I don't want to ever get on your bad side!

Molly said...

adrian, some dog owners are so fucking stupid! i've watched a few of them 'follow' their dog into my yard. INTO my yard!! like they don't have the option of pulling them back. no. it's this doy duh doy doy doy attitude of *i go where my dog takes me* that i hate. i said to one woman, 'excuse me, you're in my yard'. she said 'i'm going to pick it up'. what the fuck is wrong with people?? i told her that wasn't the point that i wanted her ass and her dogs ass out of my yard. you would have thought i killed her mother with the look she gave me.

bionic bunny! said...

enty, thanks for reading my email-- but a couple of points:
the trees are on her own property.
she has had arborists come in several times over the years.
she says her property is on a corner and people walk down there all the time (she made a point of mentioning folks pushing baby carriages).
she had her real estate agent/lawyer double check the property lines.
the neighbor threatened to get a restraining order against her this morning, and uh, no.
bottom line, she's in the right, even if they are not diseased. and the neighbor sounds like an asshole.
they interviewed him on the news, and then lily called in later.

oh, and i am that cranky neighbor. from the first day my pool was filled, the little bastards next door started throwing stuff over the fence. when he threw a soda can with such force that it made it half way across the patio and bounced right next to my chair, i was ENRAGED.
it still happens. she claims the kids don't stay there anymore.
oh, i will give back the big boy's basketball. i figure that's an honest mistake. but after the second box of toys i returned, i screamed "THAT'S IT. MY YARD, IT BELONGS TO ME!!!"
of course, they are the ones with the pit bulls, so it could still get ugly.

amster said...

What about parents that think the street is their kids own personal playground and how dare we drive our cars on it to get home. If I see one more of those little green foam men with the flag telling me to slow down I am going to run it over.

Ms. said...

selenakyle, don't fuck with an dog by over feeding it cheap dog food. You can kill a dog that way if it eats too much. The problem is the owner, not the animal. Deal with them, not the innocent critter.

Report your neighbours to the city if there are potential issues with dogs and trees or whatever I've done it before and it's worked.

Ernestine said...

Awww. I had the chance to meet Lily Tomlin once, and she was absolutely the SWEETEST, most gracious woman, and she also mentioned within, literally, five seconds of meeting me that she's a bigass treehugger, so there HAD to have been a good reason for this -- imminent branch-collapse or SOMEthing.

trashtalker said...

My lazy-ass neighbor would open her front door and let her dog out to roam all over the neighborhood. The dog would poop everywhere. After about 15 minutes, she'd call his name. Sometimes he'd come back. Sometimes she'd have to go look for him. Obviously she wasn't scooping the poop because she was inside her house and had no idea where the dog had crapped. I called the cops a few times. I can only assume that they talked to her at some point because I never see the dog off its leash anymore.

If you don't feel like walking your dog or picking up its poop with a plastic bag, then you shouldn't own a dog!

Wil said...

Get get Lily's bitchiness. I live in a nice heavily wooded suburb on the southern bluff of the Mississippi just SW of downtown Saint Paul. The lots over here are all at least a half acre and the houses in this section of town are pretty much from the early 1960's to mid 1980's. It's the kinda place you move to if you want establised trees .. wildlife .. and it is very quiet.

So last Spring, these two yuppie twits move in to the direct North of me. They promptly cut down all the trees where the birds and squirrels lived except for one huge tree that is pretty close to the fence line of my yard and probably provided a lot of shade to the back of this place .. until they decided to chop it within a few inches of it's life. Well.. it isn't surviving because they didn't think to fertilize it or water it.

So I am at home a few weeks ago in my gazebo in the back yard .. actually looking at FFF is you must know - : D - LOL!! And I am distracted by a bird or something and I look at the tree in question and it's lost a major branch that is laying up against another up high in the tree. It is in danger of breaking the other limb and then it will hit there house .. but as it will hit theirs and not mine .. I really don't care. I assume they have seen it and are taking care of it and I go back to at Warren Cuccurullo. [Don't even think of clicking that link if you aren't over 18!!!]

So .. fast forward to that next Monday. I hear this crack. I figure that the branched have fallen off the tree. I go to my living room window to look out in the backyard .. and no .. they haven't fallen off the tree. Rather .. two huge branches n the opposite side of the tree .. or my houses side .. have fallen off the tree and are being ket from the ground my what seem to be my ultra stretchy telephone lines. Ugh!!! I walk next door .. knock .. no answer. Great ...

So go back home and call Qwest .. tell them what is up and they say they will have someone out on Wednesday!?! What? It's like 1:30 PM on Monday .. what about Tuesday? Is there a holiday I forgot? But .. whatever .. okay .. Wednesday it is... between 8 AM and 5 PM.

Wednesday comes and I have seen hide nor hair of my neighbors. I assume they are on vacation and have no idea their damn tree is laying on my freaking telephone wires! Before the dude shows up .. actually pretty early at about 12:30 .. he calls to ask what the issue is .. I repeat the story to him I told to the gal I talked to Monday.. neighbor tree .. broken branches .. kept from hitting the ground [and trashing] my fence by the telephone wires. He says I can't do anything about that. WHAT??? Well what the **** do I do then?? Smart ass says to call a tree surgeon and once the limbs are removed if the line is trashed they will deal with it then. Dude .. you are calling me on my cell phone .. you tell me if they are trashed or not!!

I get off the phone disgusted. I can't call a frickin' tree surgeon because the tree is theirs and though the limbs are broken down into my yard and on my telephone lines .. to cut where the break is means going on their property to cut. I have never been so ticked in my life. I have to wait .. no phone .. until my idiot neighbors come back from vacation. Peachy ... glad my alarm system works on a cellular back up is all I'm sayin'!!

So .. I get where Lily would be pissy. Been there .. felt that. I am about three seconds from a midnight ninja raid to takeout their tree so when the rest of it falls - perched over my electric lines and my garages - myself! I guess Lily could make it up to the neighbors by buying them new trees .. which she will probably need to do anyway to avoid being taken court.

Katja said...

OMG Ernie I met Lily too! I was a little girl and my Aunt took me to her show (somewhere in DC) for my birthday or something and she arranged for her to give me a rose:)
My Uncle was a director at Arena Stage at the times so that is how I think the deal went down.

bionic bunny! said...

just once, i like being right.
the trees are lily's. it's all over the news out here.
she can jolly well cut them up and set the stumps around her house as fertility statues, or paint them pink and burn them one by one in her fire place.


the neighbor is an asshole, he's getting his 15 minutes here.
enty, for God's sake, back me up on this... i sent you the email, honey!!

wish i could sneak down there with the suv and grab some of those tree pieces for my fireplace, what with the cost of firewood and all.

eh, nevermind, i'm the dreaded thread killer, and nobody is going to listen to me, especially at this time of night.

Molly said...

bionic, i always listen to you! i'm glad you uncovered those trees are lily's cuz i've seen her shows and love her.

trashtalker, that's what my neighbor does, but guess what? i went out last night and my neighbor was outside and walked over to tell me her dog died. i swear i had nothin' to do with it!!

trashtalker said...

molly - People tend to think our beef is with the dog. Hell, the dog doesn't know it shouldn't poop in other people's yards! The dog's owner, however, should know that and make sure the 'hood isn't littered with droppings. (Sigh.)

Molly said...

i agree. people used to ask me what i have against dogs when i'd complain about this. it's not the dogs it's the stupid owners.

same with bratty kids. fantasize about slapping the parents, not the kid.

bionic bunny! said...

heh, thanks, molly.
and i agree about the dogs. i love animals. our neighbors have pit bulls, and they are NOT pets. the neighbors are major assholes. i've called animal control many, many times, but they never catch them doing anything. they just keep over breeding the poor things and letting the little kids tease them. somebody's gonna get hurt some day.

Mooshki said...

Oh Bunny, that reminds me of some old neighbors I used to have - one day their two sons were out with their pit bull pup trying to teach it to 'sic.' Yes, I know there are good pit bulls, but people REALLY need to have a license to own them, and be willing to put them to sleep if they are one of the aggressive ones. And those people who say that any pit bull can be a good pit bull with the proper training, I say BULLSHIT, and if you're that naive, you really shouldn't own one. If a dog is naturally aggressive you can train it as much as you want and it will still be a potential killer.