Friday, November 14, 2008

Ted C Blind Item

We were gonna inform you folks about Mooney Tuna, a TV titan whose return to the boob tube was so explosive he can't keep up with all the money his network's throwing at him to stay put this time. Too bad all that cash can't buy some sex education. M.T.'s former bedmates tell us the dude can't even put on his prophylactics correctly. When you're that rich, guess you really can't do anything by yourself.

So predictable, just like the following sad tale we rather prefer:

Chubby Asparagus used to be so cute, in that trash-collector-hit-the-lottery-and-got-a-makeover kinda way.

Always something likable about his in-your-face appeal, totally doable, too. Until he decided bad TV was his thing and Sara Lee was his lady, along with all those real-life ladies you have to purchase.

So, Chubby's unhappy in his marriage, big deal. Oldest story in the book, right? It's what the malcontents do about the bad situation at home that separates the duds from the studs.

Try and work it out? Awesome. Decide to leave with dignity and without busting up all the china? Cool, too. Go to Vegas and order a hooker to the club where you're having a drink instead of straight to your hotel room? Total loserville on so many levels.

Geez, man, you paid for that kinda public humiliation? You must truly be desperate.

And It Ain't: John Travolta, Scott Baio, Howie Mandel

54 comments:

Mooshki said...

Mooney Tuna: Tim Daly?

asstronaut said...

duchovney?

Nina said...

Money Tuna sounds like Alec Baldwin. Tobey Maguire or Ben Affleck for the second guy.

Katie said...

mooney tuna: drew carey, alec baldwin, or howie mandel (yes i know he is "and it ain't" but if ted has a double blind vice, his "aints" only apply to one of the vices and howie could have maybe been only "ainted" as chubby.

nic cage for chubby.

Brenda22 said...

Ok, can someone please translate? I think I get it, but is this just 2 separate blinds or is there a connection between the two? That's what threw me off.

jax said...

drew carey has always had a thing for the 'pros'

MEP said...

I really think this is Drew Carey - not Moony, but the chubby one. Bad TV = price is right.

selenakyle said...

Today I can only think of people who I would REALLY like to publicly humiliate, such as the teens I read about videoing themselves kicking a kitten around--anyone hear about this?

I swear to all that is holy on this God-forsaken dust ball, I will maim any motherf*cker I ever see doing any cruel shit like that.

Last years some teen girls lit a kitten on fire to laugh at it burning. They deserve their eyeballs gouged out.

Please Dear God save us from our own evil.

Sorry to be a bummer, but today I can't begin to give a flying f*ck about some idiot who can't put on a rubber or another who likes whores.

Sorry, y'all.

Ice Angel said...

But Chubby was "totally doable" I don't think anyone can ever say Drew has ever been even remotely doable. I think he could very well be Mooney Tuna, however.

The other one, I will have to think about Chubby a bit more.

Taylor said...

Kevin James?

canadachick said...

Chubby is married.....Drew isn't. Jim Belushi maybe for Chubby ???

KellyLynn said...

selenakyle,depravity is not new, but it still stinks. Sometimes you wonder what sort of family could create someone who is so cruel and uncaring, but then you realize that most parents don't intentionally raise their children to be bullies.
We have a local family who is very nice, and yet one of their sons is in jail for intentionally hitting a woman with his jeep, then dragging her out into the woods, raping her and killing her.
It's sad, but it happens.

Oh, and for the blind? I really don't have any ideas. Ted's blinds used to have so many great clues in them, but now they're just kind of sloppy whispers.

amster said...

I am going to say Bill Paxton from "Big Love".

sandman said...

jack black for 2?

i agree with kellilynn, these are clueless.

sandman said...

nevermind j black, its a tv guy. got the 2 screwy blinds mixed up.

Julie said...

lol for some reason i thought ted turner lol but yeah, probably not

A Pimp Named DaveR said...

Quick translation (I think):

Chubby is a married TV guy who came to prominence in a show he apparently is not on now. Looks-wise, he's an "ordinary Joe" type. After fame, he (a) started doing crap, and (b) got fat.

As far as Mr. Tuna: I read this and immediately thought David Letterman, but his instance of CBS throwing money at him to stay was back in 2006....

A Pimp Named DaveR said...

By the way -- Howie Mandell is so germophobic that he won't even shake a stranger's hand. I SERIOUSLY doubt he's getting hookers...

kanonymous said...

Alec Baldwin is not a TV Titan.

DNfromMN said...

The double blind is confusing. For translation purposes, I could be wrong.

MOONEY TUNA: (syllables: 2 + 2) A-list TV star from the past was given a lot of money for a recent ("explosive" clue?) comeback. Doesn't know how to put on a condom. "can't do anything by yourself"

CHUBBY ASPARAGUS: (syllables: 2+4) Chubby averagely-handsome, confrontational, and married TV actor. Unhappy in marriage went to Vegas and hired a prostitute. It's not Travolta, Baio, or Mandel.

My guesses: I wanted to go with Christian Slater for Mooney Tuna, but he didn't get that much money, isn't known for tv, and his show sucked/cancelled. I think explosive has to be a clue, but no idea.

For Chubby, I'm thinking someone bald (Travolta, Mandel) or with black hair (originally all 3), probably Italian/Hispanic descent. George Lopez? He's not really chubby anymore. Carlos Mencia? Is he married; he's certainly a douche. (Travolta Baio and Mandel hit their strides in the 70s/80s, Howie was a comedian, Travolta a film star)

Green Wave Gal said...

Thanks for the translation dn...now I will go back to thinking! :)

Green Wave Gal said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
not a famous adrian said...

my head is spinning even with the translations.

. said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kristen S. said...

Off topic....this is the only post from today I can see. I keep doing a Ctrl +refresh, but this is the only post that comes up (along with older posts), and it says 0 comments, which clearly there are not.

Anyone else having this prob?

Cheryl said...

Totally agree with Kellylynn. Even after a reveal, Ted's blinds don't make much sense these days. Maybe sobriety makes Ted less interesting.

littlemanwhatnow said...

selenakyle let's seriously find thEM AND KILL THEM. IF MY KIDS EVER DID THAT I WOULD FUCKING SEND THEM TO MILITARY SCHOOL.

twunty mcslore said...

selenakyle, the kitty is okay after an amputation, is this the same one?
http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/us/2008/11/13/waugh.ga.cat.used.as.football.wjxt

Judi said...

Selena, I'd join you and the others in the maiming.

Letterman's a great guess for the first part. Seems to say that in the past, his return was major, and currently the network is offering gazillions to try to get him to stay. Is Letterman's contract up soon? The name Mooney reminds me of Les Moonves of CBS, Letterman's network.
Second part sounds like Drew C.

melissa said...

Thank you so much for the link twunty. So unbelievably awful and sad, but I wanted to see it. I'm so in love with that little kitty right now. *Crying*

BlahFrickinBlah said...

Can I just say that I would like to hire a gang of teenagers to light Ted C on fire and kick him until he made sense? Dude can not write anything coherent to save his life. I've read it three times and it still makes my head hurt. No clues, just horrible grammar. Fuck you Ted C!!!

PollyPureBred said...

OMG that cat kicking was horrible. Seriously crying - how in the hell can could someone's child do that to a kitten? *sob*

what now? said...

vincent d'noffrio (sp?). just caught a rerun of law and order and he's huge, and slow and lethargic. i loved him, too. sad.

brendalove@gmail.com said...

I won't even watch it, its just going to tear my mind to pieces. Fuck those kids.

CalamityJane said...

David Caruso? Only a person with low self esteem would ever think he's doable however. (shudder)

JRD said...

How is Christopher Knight's game show doing?
he sprang to mind.

Jamie's Girl said...

Drew Carey's original theme son was Moon Over Parma.

gossipbebeh said...

JRD, i'm with you.. this just screamed "Peter Brady" to me...
my fair brady and all that nonsense....

what now? said...

Ok. Now I'm pretty sure it's Vincent D'Onofrio for the 2nd one. Did films before, and now does t.v. He got really chubby on t.v.
Also, according to wiki, he separated from his wife in October 2003, and then got back together with her.

Miss X said...

What about Christian Slater for the 1st one? I know his show got cancelled, but weren't the expectations high?

Green Wave Gal said...

Christopher Knight's game show better be doing well!

I was a contestant and I want my episode to air! :)

He's definitely not chubby if that's the one you're thinking about!

Dschingis said...

yo! being called asparagus is tall and thin....
so chubby asparagus....? thin getting fat? one of the Friends cast

Rhianna said...

I'm going to say Chris North - aka "Big". He's in the random photos, and well dude should not go on the beach where photogs hang out.

Jay Tea said...

I have NO idea if this means anything, but when I saw "Chubby Asparagus" I thought of "Cubby Broccoli," the longtime producer of the James Bond movies...

Someone with a James Bond tie-in somewhere, perhaps?

Geebz said...

Jerry O'Connell "My Secret Identity"

not a famous adrian said...

green wave gal--that is very exciting--please let us know when your episode will be airing.

Green Wave Gal said...

Adrian--I'll let you know when it's going to air. It was a really fun experience! :)

not a famous adrian said...

great--thanks!! I'll be watching!

Green Wave Gal said...

Adrian--my name is Ellen by the way...so you'll know when it's eventually on. :)

not a famous adrian said...

I guess they wouldn't introduce you as green wave gal now, would they??!!
Please list the date as soon as you know. It would be fun to see you.

Katy said...

As much as I hate to say it...

David Boreanaz for Chubby?

Name sorta fits the syllables and he did pack on the beef for a while.

kelsey said...

could keifer sutherland be a fit for #1? if "explosive" is a clue.

BinkyM said...

I think we're going about it all wrong for Chubby. What the "ain't"s have in common: they were in TV shows from the late 70s-early 80s:

John Travolta: "Welcome Back, Kotter," 1975-1979
Scott Baio: "Joanie Loves Chachi," 1982-1983
Howie Mandel, "St Elsewhere," 1982-1988

(Yes, I watched all three, but at least "St Elsewhere" was excellent.)

I think we're looking for someone from that era, or at least someone with a TV show from that era. The first two were considered very, very hot at the time; Howie Mandel was a goof back then, though I, for one, thought he was a doll.

BeauSaxon said...

The first person who came to my mind for #2 was Jay Mohr, just because I saw a pic of him at an event recently and it looked like he'd put on some weight. His face in particular looked really puffy. Does he fit the blind? Is he married?