Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Miley Cyrus - A Reader Rant

Over the weekend, DNfromMN I think was the first to tell me about the new Miley Cyrus photos that had surfaced. Of course her spokesperson says they are old news and old photos. To me that sounds like Miley either has been doing this since she was 13 or the spokesperson is ready for some hotter new photos too because is tired of being teased by a 15 year old. I just thought it was the oddest statement. Old photos? Maybe Miley just had one wild weekend and that is where all these photos came from. She and Nick Jonas went on a three day bender and got wasted and took racy photos together. The photo is dated October 20, 2007 which would be about two months prior to the first set of sexy photos being released. Hell, I don't know when or where the photos were taken, but apparently the fact that I chose to ignore the story and not do one of my rants directed to Miley prompted the same reader who wrote about The Hills/Washington DC to direct a strongly worded letter to Miley.

Oh, here's something. If you want to be cool and hip right now in LA, the catch phrase to use is "strongly worded letter." Yep, all because of The Mighty B. If you don't know who or what a Mighty B is, I suggest you run off to YouTube. If that doesn't get you moving, then how about the fact that Amy Poehler, creates, writes and stars in it. Now go, go, go, but before you do, a strongly worded letter to Miley Cyrus.

Dear Miley,

Hey, I was 15 once. (though we won't discuss how long ago) I get it. And fortunately for me, I wasn't 15 under the microscope of fame. However, I was also not 15 with millions of dollars and a financially secure future. So, you'll understand my difficulty in feeling bad for you. Oh sure, you're just being a kid. Or is tween the proper term, nowadays?

Here, I beg to differ. I've never taken pictures of myself in a wet t-shirt in the shower or in my underwear in bed. Ok ok, so maybe I was just a nerd who couldn't get laid if she came to school naked. Maybe I didn't lose my virginity til I was over the age of 30. THAT'S NOT THE POINT!!!! (oops, sorry Miley, was getting a little Kanye on you) Point is, I'm a girl who no one would look twice at if my sexy photos were leaked on the internet and I still know better! (ok…maybe they'd look twice…hell, I hope SOMEONE would look twice.)

What's the matter, Miley? Is Ashley Tisdale's new nose catching Nick Jonas' eye? Or is it the age old child star cop out plea of "I'm growing up in the public eye, I didn't ask to be a role model!" Yeah well, while you were busy counting your piles of money and trying to decide between the Hummer and the Porsche for your 16th birthday, I guess you forgot to read the little clause about the downsides of fame. Again, I'm having a hard time finding any sympathy for you in my knock off Kate Spade bag.

And while we're at it, let's talk about how much worse this makes you look for the Annie Leibowitz debacle. Forget the fact that your manufactured, over commercialized, plastic ass insulted one of the greatest photographers of our time. Hell, who knew Annie was holding you back so much? After all of your and Daddy Dermabrasion's statements of your being taken advantage of by the Vanity Fair people, how are you going to explain this? What? It's just another glitch in the new iPhone?

Like I said: I get it. You're just the average 15 year old worth 50 million dollars trying to find your way in this big bad world. Your trials and tribulations are the things that keep me up at night. Will I get tickets to the midnight screening of Dark Knight; What third grade reading level word will the President mispronounce next; and will Miley's desperate cries for validation be displayed on the gossip blogs of the world?

Be strong and keep your shirt on,

A. Reader


Big Sur Expedition 2008! said...

Seriously. When I was fifteen I played strip poker with one boy, kissed him, and then went home with my (slightly dinged) dignity intact. I never even thought about taking a photo of myself semi-nude. Are you insane? It would obviously be passed around in the locker room. I'm more inclined to think that Miley really wants these photos passed around the global locker room, the little minx.

I do not apologize for attacking her stupidity. She's not naive, I think she is just damaged goods.

Sexecution said...

She's a prostitot, she's pimped out by her parents, Disney, and all of the advertisers she's representing for the Hannah Montana franchise. What does anyone expect, she's a kid who's been turned into a paycheck, and a franchise worth almost a billion dollars. All she has to say if anyone give her shit is she won't go to work.

I expect her to be a drunken, slutty, bar fly like so many child actresses before her. She isn't pretty or talented and knows she's not going to be able to compete in a few years. She is probably in an over sexualized home, that usually leads to this kind of behavior. I will say because of myspace, kiddie porn that is self produced is much more common.

Please parents, check your kids myspace, their cameras and what is stored on their computers, if you can't, find someone who can. Half of the parents out there have no clue what their kids are doing because they are lazy or tech tards. It is your responsibility to know what your kids are doing. Who is checking Miley's camera and computer so this doesn't happen? Who cares about her as anything but a paycheck.

Ernestine said...

Perfect. Bravo. I could not have said this any better -- especially the part about this little twat's ingratitute towards Annie Leibovitz.

My favorite thing about Miley is how she's ALLLLL about the Jay-sus and the Bible-thumping and she's totally WHORING HERSELF OUT on camera. Slut.

I blame every ill in the world on George Bush. America has become dumber and dumber since he was first elected, and she's just the latest byproduct of this country and its inability to soak up anything intellectual or otherwise artistically valid.

Sadly, Miley's barely been menstruating and she's already "a woman" or some shit. But, like this letter said, Miley has a fuckton of money and she'll never, ever, ever have to have a sleepless night because of the same bullshit that plaques you or me. So, fuck her.

Syko said...

I agree. As an old timer who didn't lose her virginity until the age of 19, it would never have occurred to me to take sexy photos and let anyone else see them.

Annie Liebowitz is way above the Cyrus level of classiness, and insult her they did, with their excuses for why it was not their fault that Miley's pics were so suggestive. Annie wasn't involved in the shower ones, or the bra showing ones, or the ones pulling up her shirt with her teeth, or the ones lying across a boy's lap, or... It's starting to look like Miley is simply a little slut wearing one of those virginity rings. That really ups her credibility.

I'm ready for her to go away. Now. I'm tired of the duck lips and saucer eyes as she flashes another glimpse of her **gasp** stomach. She's not that cute, and she's overly made up for her age.

A Pimp Named DaveR said...


Production Girl said...


This was a great read.

Sylvia said...

How here thinks Miley is still a virgin???

classalpha said...

... ya okay... so Miley's a cute, baby-faced, under-age little WH0RE now... but WTF... Billy Ray CYRUS? "New Country" SUCK$. Personally, I liked Country better when they were still singin' 'bout things like wearin' them sh!t-kicker boots, hangin' BLACKS out in back and beatin' their WIVES...

... "Ah'm gornna hang that N!G-GERRRR... from the ol' oak treeeee...

... gornna beat mah WIFE AGAIN... 'cuz she down't LUV... MEEEEEEE...

...*insert grossly out-of-tune, screechy fiddle melody here*... *etc*."

... now *THAT'S* "Country"... *rolling eyes*...

... DUMBA$$ HICK/BILLY RAY CYRUS shouldn't have BRED.

... 'nuff said.

Ernestine said...

Please don't listen to classalpha. Artists like The Louvin Brothers, the Flying Burrito Brothers, Johnny Cash, The Carter Family, Loretta Lynn, etc. are all old-school country artists, and they did NOT gleefully sing about lynchings, and they certainly did not toss around the N-word with utter abandon. They sung about love lost, love gained, loving your land or worshipping whatever.

Good NEW country comes from people like Alison Krauss and Union Station, Emmylou Harris, Dolly Parton (who has always been a genius, a TOLERANT PERSON and ultimate badass), and artists who dabble in the genre like Wilco and Neko Case. For the love of God, PLEASE listen to Neko Case. She sings like a cross between an angel and a banshee, and, again, there's nary a trace of hatefulness in any of her songs.

That's all I have to say. I could call classalpha all sorts of names, but I think it's perfectly obvious that s/he is neither witty, perceptive, or really entertaining.

I just wanted to defend country music, because it's a genre I love specifically for its joyfulness and artistry.

jax said...

don't worry ernestine with the way she types her shit we all glaze over it anyway.

shiny_special_one said...

The look on her face in that photo makes me want to punch her. Just knock her ass out.

And to the author: Amen, sista. Hilarious and spot-on.

Ernestine said...

Oh, Jax, I know. I do.

You really should listen to Neko Case, though. She was born in Canada, too -- thus cementing my theory that Canadians are infinitely cooler than Americans. :-)

classalpha said...

...*ernestine TROLL* GET FVCKED... *you CLOSET RACIST DUMBA$$*.

Country "music" SUCKS... *IMO*... ALL OF *it*... OLD AND "new"... well maybe except for Johhny Cash (R.I.P.)... I thought he was kewl.

And ALL OF COUNTRY and *it's* toof-less "fans" ARE ABSOLUTELY REDNECK... except for Charley Pride ... back in the day there were no black singers in Country music WHATSOEVER. Why? Because MOST *Country fans* are REDNECK... *that's WHY! DUH!! So take *your REDNECK Country "music" CRAP* and GET SINCRELY FVCKED with *it*.

BTW... I LISTEN TO METAL/HARD ROCK/FUNK, Blues and Jazz... but NOT cRap because that suck$ too... and I'm NOT EVEN WHITE...

... so *you MORONIC/TROLLING REDNECK/RACIST Country "music"-listening/ernestine dipsh!t TROLL*... get a 'CLUE' and DIE.

... *truly*... 'nuff said in *this thread*.

classalpha said...

... and *you IDIOTIC/cubicle-dwelling TWATS*... I'm MALE.


Signed, Your Male Boss.

Ernestine said...


Oh, I'm sorry, classalpha. I didn't catch what you said.

BlahFrickinBlah said...

I did my share of wild stuff back when I was her age. Hell, I lost my virginity at 15. However, I never took any racy pics of myself to spread around school. We (thankfully) didn't have the internet back then cause I'm sure my stupidity as a teenager would have reached new heights. LOL The thing these kids don't realize is that the internet is FOREVER. Her kids will be able to google these images years from now and see what a skank mommy was back in the day.

Anybody that has a clue didn't even listen to that bullshit that they slung at Annie L. Her career is long established and she doesn't have a track record of being some child porn photographer. *roll eyes*

When all the dust has settled and Miley has done a couple of stints in rehab, she will finally realize that her parents sold her down the river of child stars. Hopefully they won't take/spend all her money cause we all know where these kids end up: broke, unemployable and nuts.Being famous isn't as much fun when you are broke, Miley! Her parents deserve to be shot over their handling of this kid.

Mooshki said...


"Oh, I'm sorry, classalpha. I didn't catch what you said."


Syko said...

I despise stereotypes, and southern people being stupid and/or only rednecks listen to country music are two that I particularly despise, being a southerner who enjoys country music. The old country. Willie, Waylon...and above all, Ian Tyson.

classalpha said...

^ ... that's because the RACIST/REDNECK "female" TROLL aka ernestine is* ILLITERATE... just like ALL THE 'OTHER' RACIST/REDNECK HICKS who listen to that IDIOTIC/mind-numbing Country "music" CRAP more than likely ARE. So DIE *you RACIST ernestine REDNECK*.

Oh ya... now GO BACK TO WORK and make SUM MO' MONEY... dem po' BLACKS and ILLEGALS are waiting "Em"patiently to $UCK IT ALL OUT OF *your* PAYCHECK in taxes every week... LMAO!!

Ernestine said...

Um. Wow.

You're not black. You're white. If you were actually a minority, you wouldn't be so flagrant with your language.

And, at first, I thought you were just kinda ditzy -- some fifteen year-old girl twirling her hair and popping her zits in her parents' basement and ruminating about BRITTANY fucking MURPHY, of all things. Then, I wondered if maybe you were just a foreigner with a complete lack of how the English language works and I thought, you know, that I would be empathetic and lay off, because our language really is pretty complicated, and I know a lot of really cool people who've struggled to learn its intricacies. Recently, though, I've discovered that you're an intolerant moron. And now, I can add BATSHIT to those list of adjectives.

You can post and post and post and post alllll you want. I doubt Enty bars specific people from posting, so we all know that you're just something heinous that we have to put up with -- like a bad cold, or a yeast infection, or herpes.

You can also call me racist. Very few people are going to pay attention, and if they bother to follow this thread, they'll soon discover that you, my moronic little friend, are the true bigot.

Now go back to jerking your teensy, eensy-weensy tiny peepee while watching 8 Mile over and over again.

Or, you can keep posting with your freaky CAPS and your superfluous A*teri*ks, but this is honestly the last time I'll respond. I'm obviously a trillion times more intelligent than you, and am completely confident in saying so.


junglekitten said...

This made my day!! So true....., so true!! It seems like these young girls haven't much of a childhood!! I sound old don't I?? I'm only 27 but @ 13, 14 and 15 I was shy about my body, only kissed a guy once and was well aware of the internet!! I know these girls are in the limelight and all but, it isn't just these famous tweens!!! It's the everyday, average teenage girl in America!! Sad, but TRUE!! The whole generation seems to lack a major ingredient!! SELF RESPECT!!!

junglekitten said...

You go Ernestine!!!!! LOLLLLZZZZ!!! said...

Classalpha! You weren't talking shit like this last weekend.

Ernestine isn't a racist. She's one of the CDAN ho's like the rest of us. ;-)

Ernestine said...

Thanks, Junglekitten! Your name makes me wanna know ya.

Brenda, it's cool. Calling someone a racist is sort of like the last resort for insults -- kinda like how a lot of women call each other fat even if the pudgy chick in question weighs, like, 130.

I'm not fat, either, by the way -- but, yes. I AM a CDAN ho!