Thursday, July 17, 2008

A. Reader Pens A Letter To Brandon Davis


A. Reader is back again for another strongly worded letter. This time Brandon Davis is the target of her pen.

Dear Brandon,

Boy, I hope you are playing the lottery today because I officially crown you the “Luckiest Motherf**ker of July 16, 2008!” It seems that cute as a button Victoria ’s Secret model Miranda Kerr couldn’t get enough of your greasy self the first time around and has actually come BACK to you for a second time! As if that wasn’t enough of a shock in and of itself….she left ORLANDO BLOOM for YOU! That sound you hear is the collective gasp of disbelief from the women and queens of the world. (err, sorry…that would be the noise AFTER the hysterical laughter since nobody believed it was true the first time they heard it)

What is it you have to offer, Brandon? Is it your dashing good loo---wait, no, that’s not it…..your abs of steel on which she can wash her Victoria’s Secr----nope, not that either…..hmmm…let me think about this…..ohhhh could it be the gobs of money you will someday inherit from grandfather the oil magnate? I would say this last possibility is a perfectly legitimate reason for inviting your sweaty saggy ass back into bed, but according to the tabs you’ve been cut off, and it’s not like Miss Kerr is hurting for work. (See: Victoria ’s Secret Angel, face of Clinique Happy, 6 figure deal as face of Australian department store David Jones)

So, though it kills me to say it…..you must be packing some SERIOUS man heat! Ohh…excuse me, I thought I could say that without throwing up my lunch but I don’t know if I can hold it down….ok Reader, go to your happy place! David Beckham underwear ad in Times Square ! Full Frontal Friday on CDAN! Whew….that was a close one.

Now, where was I? Oh right, the man with the dumbest luck in America . Or is that the dumbest man with luck in America ? Whatever the case, get out there and play the lotto, bet on some ponies, enter the World Series of Poker, but for god’s sake, don’t take a chance on letting anyone else rub your magic lamp!

Dang it….here comes lunch again…..
A. Reader

15 comments:

Mooshki said...

Brandon Davis and Verne Troyer in one day? Eh, I didn't really want to eat lunch anyway.

Robyn said...

... any Victoria's Secret model with the Greasy one.. it's a sad day...

dreadpiratecuervo said...

All I got out of this is that Orlando Bloom probably has herpes now.

A Pimp Named DaveR said...

My guess is it's not so much the gobs of money he will inherit as it is the gobs of drugs said money currently enables him to obtain....

kevin said...

Okay, now lets see the letter to Miranda Kerr about her being the dumbest girl on the planet.

jax said...

are we surprised? now watch for Miss Kerr to lose her contracts soon....i see rahab in her future.
i've suspected lil Orlando has a drug problem and obviously so does Miranda. Women go to greasy for one thing and it ain't love an sex.

Sylvia said...

Poor girl she is brain damage that will explain why she is hitting the greasy bear hahahaha.

kris said...

jax you beat me to it...I'd say the only thing el greaso is packing is his pockets...

gillian said...

Miranda Kerr= Stupid Ho. I can't think of anything else that explains why any woman could think of hooking up with than greeeezy MF, Davis. He's the male Paris as far as I can see, only lazier. Yes, even Paris gets off her mooching arse to try and top up her pennies/cents. Kerr is a Victoria's Secret model- them girls get PAID. So it's not about money. Jax and Kris- maybe it's the drugs talking...

Ah, now I have it! Maybe it's: Insecure Drug-Adled Ho

adrian said...

Maybe she doesn't know about his celebutard sex tape.

Amy said...

Greasy kinda looks like Elvis -right before he keeled on the toilet.

Why do these idiots leave Orlando Bloom for dolts?

Brit Brit said...

Man i feel so dumb but i just googled CDAN cause i was like what is cdan i see it all the time here. and BOOM my fav site pulls up! I feel so so dumb

tracyh said...

Grandpa is already dead. I don't think Brandon got a whole lot.

brendalove@gmail.com said...

Ya'll get your hatin' done now, cuz Brandon Davis is going to be the MUST HAVE accessory for Fall.

gillian said...

No brendalove, say it isn't so!!!

Backlash, Backlash :-)