Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Santa Was Screwed


About once a year I write about Santa or something that has happened to Santa. Was it last year that Santa had to file charges against the woman who kept groping him looking for his special candy cane. I loved that story. That one made me laugh. This one. Not so much. Below is my letter to Tysons Corner Mall which is a huge mall outside Washington DC. For why I am writing the letter, click here.

Dear Tysons or Grinch or however you spell your name,

I just read in the Washington Post how you basically screwed your Santa over for a few extra bucks. I really think that shows what kind of people are running your organization. Your Santa has been working at your mall each winter for the past 18 years. Eighteen years he has showed loyalty to your organization and to all your customers. Customers who came as children now bring their own children to see Santa.

You obviously at some point felt very good about him being your Santa as he has a contract with your organization that is good through 2012. Based on that legal document he went and bought a house last year. You probably don't know this because he is just a guy in a red suit to you, but he actually lives in Tennessee, and comes up to the Washington DC area every year because he likes the people, the customers, the atmosphere and because he feels a sense of loyalty. Obviously these are not characteristics you share with Santa.

Also in reliance upon that contract, Santa bought three new suits this year. Did you know they go through that many suits? I didn't, but when you think about the thousands upon thousands of customers who sit on his lap each day it isn't surprising. Those suits cost $900 each. He also buys a new pair of boots each year which cost $725. He sure does a lot to make himself appear to be the very best Santa he can be. That is a big commitment. Something again, which I don't think you share with him.

Sure, Santa makes a decent wage when he works for you. Santa says he makes about $30,000 over the holiday season. It seems like a lot until you guess he is working 7 days a week for 15 hours a day for about six weeks. He does that with a smile on his face all the time because he can't let any child or parent not think he is giving 100%. Obviously something you don't really do there either.

Did you notice the day on the calendar? It is October 22. Just about two months until Christmas. When did you let Santa know you would be using some rent a santa from a national company that promised you more money from photos? Oh? This past weekend. Well, don't you think that most Santas have been hired already for malls around the US? You don't really care do you? You don't care if your customers are upset or if they call you names. You don't care if they let you join in any reindeer games. Hell, can you even name all the reindeer? Probably not, but I bet you tell all your friends about the time you went to Finland and ate one. Why don't you tell that to your kid and see how they react. Oh? You don't have children? Of course you don't because you wouldn't be such heartless bastards if you did.

Have you ever stopped to consider that if 500 of your customers decided to go to Pentagon City or some other mall in the DC area and spend their money there in protest that it might in fact offset whatever extra few dollars you are getting with the photo company? You probably didn't. You just saw fat dollar signs in front of your eyes and forgot the most important lesson about Christmas.

Sincerely,


EL

18 comments:

Mooshki said...

Bah Humbug. :( I know who's getting coal in their stockings this year!

Kristen S. said...

Well, fuck that snooty-ass Tysons anyways. Plus traffic around there is a nightmare at the holidays - not worth it, and this incident makes it doubly so.

Can you tell us t owhom you sent this? I live in Northern Virginia and would like to give them a piece of my mind.

margarita said...

OMG, I grew up going to that mall. Never again :-(

Harriet Hellfire said...

I love reindeer steak, it's really tasty!

But yes, this blows.

kimmypie1 said...

Thanks Ent for sending that :)

jax said...

wellllll fuck Tysons!
boycott!!!!

SFG said...

Applause Applause Enty for sending that! I'm going to write my own and send it too.

captivagrl said...

I hope Santa gets a great movie deal! He's perfect!
I worked and shopped at Tyson's. A protest is in order. The mall will get the crappy publicity it deserves.

i am a princess, yes i am said...

this makes me sick and sad. is there any good left in America? it just doesn't seem like it anymore.

no wonder so much of the world hates us. because we eat our own for fucking breakfast.

UGH, I am embarrassed to be a US citizen after reading shit like this day after day.

JJ said...

That made me cry. You can't do that to Santa!

not a famous adrian said...

what!!??? Santa is fake?!!

Mooshki said...

No Adrian, Ent was just talking about one of Santa's helpers. You know how he sends his helpers to all the malls at Christmastime? Then they send your requests on to the North Pole. The REAL Santa is too busy checking his lists twice and supervising the elves. But he's the only one who brings your toys down the chimney Christmas night.

not a famous adrian said...

Whew!! What a relief. Next I thought someone would say there is no Easter Bunny, & Enty doesn't really live in a basement!

Jeannies Bottle said...

A lawyer with a heart? If I hadn't read this with my own eyes I wouldn't have believed it! Good for you Enty!

Mooshki said...

Ha, this just made Yahoo's top news stories. They're screwed. Karma, bitches!!!

jagerlilly said...

You go EL!!! Rat those Grinches out. How dare they fire Santa?!

Ernestine said...

Tyson's Corner can suck it. I also grew up shopping there, and I worked at the (FUCKING) Gap and The Limited in the snooty-ass Galleria across the way.

Godfuckingdammit, those asshole Tysons executives have enough in their budget to keep this dude on their payroll. What a bunch of dicks.

Good. I never liked shopping there anyway, and now I have an even better reason (other than horrid traffic and slow-moving throngs of slackjawed mongoloids) not to shop there. Fuckers.

Poo Rang said...

Yay to you Enty!