Monday, April 20, 2009

My Dad's Favorite Ex-Wife Carli Crashes The TV Land Awards

Ex-Wife #2 Carli, who as I have mentioned previously is my father's favorite ex-wife begged and begged for some passes for the TV Land Awards which were held yesterday and will air on TV Land next Sunday night. Why did she beg? Two words. Mekhi Phifer. Well with the assistance of Mitchell Squires over at TV Land, Wendy Coto at MTV and one month without an alimony payment, I made it happen.

Hello dear readers! After the 2 years of what Enty tried to pass off as "marital bliss" that I suffered through, and since he spends all his money in equal parts on the other women he fooled into marrying him and bottles of Jager, we've had to figure out other ways for him to pay his monthly alimony. One such agreement that works for both of us? Tickets to Hollywood events where an abundance of celebrities are in attendance. I get to rub elbows with the rich and famous, he gets the hope that one of said celebrities will be stupid enough to marry me and put a stop to his alimony payments. Everybody wins!

And thus, how I found myself at the TV Land awards yesterday on an incredibly hot Sunday in Los Angeles. With temps hovering around 95 degrees and the sun blazing, the playing field between myself and the women of Hollywood was evened as everyone's skin was shiny and hair falling flat.

This is Tim Allen ignoring me and everyone else. Hey Tim, what's the name of the next movie you're doing? Santa Clause 4?

No one wanted to talk to Barry Williams no matter how hard he tried.
Though she doesn't look so friendly in this picture, it's not Michelle Phillips fault. I was trying to sing California Dreamin' and was doing so poorly. Her working of the press line was impressive. She made sure to speak to every press outlet that wanted a word with her and she did it with a smile on her face.
I asked Judy Tenuta where her accordion was and she replied, "I left it at the Betty Ford Clinic." She looked great.

And the biggest disappointment of the day goes to Anthony Edwards. I am...well, WAS...a big fan of Dr. Green and, of course, the lovable Goose. But when I asked him what his favorite line was from Top Gun he scoffed and said, "Uh, that was 25 years ago." Yep, ok, point taken. So was the peak of your career. I think Perez Hilton is down the line, why don't you go talk to him?
Kristina Guerrero was working for E! and not working the red carpet, but she came over to say hi to Inside Edition because she used to work there.
Julia Louis Dreyfus was another one rushing down the red carpet but stopped when I kept calling her name. Love that! And I only hope I can look that good when I'm 48!
I wanted to hug Clint Black he was so cute. He fought back against his escort who tried to get him to pass me by as I was yelling his name. He then stopped and gave me this adorable mug. Later, he was almost off the red carpet when someone was trying to get him to talk to MTV Tres. He came back over to give them the interview. Class act!
Jeff Probst was thrilled to hear that his appearance in Full Frontal Friday (Link NSFW) was one of the most popular. A celebrity with a sense of humor and a taste for younger women (the lady to his left in the blue dress was his date, and he caused quite a stir when he dated a 26 year old Survivor contestant)! Jeff, just so you know, I'm available.
Another lady who's aging gracefully: Katey Sagal. She was kind enough to shake off her handlers and pause for a moment and took off her sunglasses to let me get this shot. Stunning, gracious, and talented. If only she were a guy I would be all over it. She was also the only cast member from Married With Children to walk the entire carpet. David Faustino bailed after 2 minutes and the others went directly to the show.
Former supermodel and current host of TV Land's modeling show, She's Got the Look, the beautiful Kim Alexis. Even in the sweltering heat this beauty was charming and easy on the eyes. What I liked best? She looks natural. No work done to this lady. That's reason enough for me to watch her show!

This is Kim's step-daughter Shay who won the award for best tattoo of the day. She also got the pleasure of standing three feet behind her step-mom for 45 minutes in 95 degree heat.

Joan Van Ark is almost 66 years old, but looks great. She made sure to talk to every person that wanted to speak to her and almost everyone did.
Patricia Richardson, (she is the one talking to the Molly Shannon look-a-like) looking like a poor man's Diane Keaton wearing weird John Lennon-esque sunglasses, only walked the carpet up to E!'s cameras and then ran past the rest of us. Though I loved her as Jill her current career can pretty much be summed up by the title of a movie she starred in in early 2000: Viva Las Nowhere.

Almost the entire cast of Home Improvement reunited for the first time since 1998, according to Zachary Ty Bryan. Unfortunately Jonathan Taylor Thomas was the sole hold out, but Zachary says JTT did come to his wedding a few years ago. Hmm, must still be busy in Costa Rica with the Peace Corps.
This is Zachary's wife Carly.

Darius McCrary took time out of his busy schedule of trying to run over his ex-girlfriend Karinne "Supahead" Stevens to grace the red carpet and talk about his new CD that's dropping soon. I hope he and R. Kelly will someday share a prison cell.
Are we sure Neil Patrick Harris is gay? As he was being whisked down the carpet by his handlers to prepare for hosting the Awards, he heard my cries, stopped, and gave me a great smile. (MTV 3 and Inside Edition, you're welcome.) I didn't even have to show any cleavage! What a gentleman. I'm pretty sure he wants me.
Reginald VelJohnson, aka Carl Winslow from Family Matters (TGIF, what?!), was a great sport, coming over to talk to me after I yelled "Hey Uncle Carl!" I started to recite my favorite line from the show's history: "3, 2, 1...1, 2, 3...what the bothering me?" and he joined in, shouting the last part with me. We had a good laugh.

Stacey Anderson from TV Land's new dating show, The Cougar. Given that I am always looking for the oldest, richest man in the room I had to find out what was wrong with this woman who WILLINGLY dates guys in their 20's. Turns out, nothing! She was absolutely lovely, articulate, sweet, and gorgeous. I haven't yet seen the show but after meeting her I will certainly tune in. And, best of all, she is still with her chosen boy from the show! I love happy endings. Oh, and yes, that is Vivica Fox in the blue dress in the background. She blew everyone off. I guess because her career is going so great she doesn't need the press. I mean she must be dying to co-star with Jessica Simpson again.
The red carpet madness at its peak.
Loretta Swit aka Hot Lips from MASH: a lovely lady but also a walking warning for what too much plastic surgery can do to a face.
Mekhi Phifer is THE reason for my bugging Enty for tickets to this event. My plan of passing out with heatstroke and yelling that I needed mouth to mouth just before I hit the floor was thwarted when I found out he really isn't a doctor he just played one on TV.
Yes, that is his girlfriend, but I really don't think it will last.
He said he was hot. I told him I agreed. I think he was talking about the weather though.
Beverly Johnson, the first African American woman to grace the cover of Sports Illustrated and the first lady of the day who made me want to hang myself with my press tag. She's THAT beautiful. Oh and Beverly, Chuy from MTV 3 is waiting by the phone for your call.
Doc from The Love Boat. When I asked him whether he liked being on Get Smart or Love Boat more, he said he liked Get Smart for the acting and Love Boat for the money. His 11 year old son bought him that tie to wear for the event.
With the exception of Holland Taylor who practically sprinted down the carpet, the rest of the cast of 2 and a Half Men decided it was too hot to walk the carpet except for Conchata Ferrell who was out there in all her Bertha glory and didn't complain about the heat once!
The award for the classiest lady on the red carpet goes to Reba McEntire. While, once again, a publicist was trying to hurry her past our section, she received the telepathic waves I was sending her and stopped to give me a great photo. She looks amazing, both in this pic AND in person!
I had absolutely no idea who this woman was. Either did anyone else. She is prepared for that however and walks up to each person and says, "Kathy Garver. Cissy from Family Affair." Way before my time, but it was nice of her to do that so everyone can avoid the awkward question, "Who are you?"
Samantha Harris was working the event for some press outlet but decided to get her picture taken on the carpet for her scrapbook I guess. The woman in the white is Donna Mills. After that interview she didn't do anymore.

Judah Friedlander was a roving red carpet host for the event.
Kate Flannery aka Meredith from The Office. Actual words uttered by a publicist to her as she approached our part of the red carpet: "OK you're done with the TV interviews, you don't have to talk to these people, they're only bloggers." Mmm hmm. Little did she realize that internet archives last forever and that Enty is going to tell on her to Rashida.

This fine hunk of man can have me anytime, anyplace. Ladies, he is just as dreamy in person and NICE. Everyone was off the red carpet and production was yelling that the show was starting. But Mr. Tom Selleck would not be deterred from making sure he spoke to everyone in the press line. All the other celebs were luxuriating in the air conditioned amphitheater and he was outside smiling, shaking hands, and chatting with reporters. I am in love.
My new amigo, host of MTV 3's LA 411, Chuey Martinez and I think his agent. AWESOME guy, full of snark, and made the blazing heat bearable. Though he did get me not once, not twice, but THREE times with the same joke. Yelling out: "The Rock! Over here!" and "Hey is that Chris Brown?!" But I've got nothing but love for Mr. Martinez.Also sharing the same 3x3 space with me, and MTV 3 was Dara from Inside Edition. Lets see. 2 cameramen, three reporters, and one sound guy in 95 degree heat all confined in a 2x2 space. It was worth it though because Mekhi touched me. Not where I wanted him to touch me, but he did touch me.


Pookie said...

aww, what a fun post! thx, carli! *hot for mehki too*

DNfromMN said...

Thanks Carli, you'll have to get Enty to give you tickets more often.

I always thought Tom Selleck would make a great gay man.

Jeff Probst is a handsome guy, did you really tell him that we'd seen (and admired) his peen?

Sorry to hear about Anthony Edwards, but really I wouldn't remember anything from 25 years ago. You couldn't at least ask an ER question?

Harriet Hellfire said...

Awesome, you should send this lady more often, next time try to get her backstage!

deity2 said...

Carli....I can see why you are the favorite ex!!!! Very witty and engaging's to more tickets for you!!

mngddess said...

Thanks, Carli! One of my hobbies is to live vicariously through you (and America and all Enty's other friends..)

Ice Angel said... Cissy from Family Affair...she seems to be a real class act. Glad she has turned out well considering all of the tragedy that has happened to that TV family.

Hortencia Willowby said...

Carli, you're now my favorite ex too. Please tell Enty to send you to more events. You're commentary is great!

Ms Cool said...

Great post. I'm swooning over Tom Selleck myself.

Flip Chick said...

Reba does seem like a class act. I think I like the longer hair on her. But hey - I think she has looked beautiful at every age with various hairstyles. :)

Taylor said...

Love, love, love Carli!

Can she come back?

bionic bunny! said...

terrific post, thanks, carli!

so, the probst broke up with his long-time girlfriend?
when did that happen? is it true?????

cybpanda said...

Beverly Johnson was the first African-American model to grace the cover of American Vogue magazine, not Sports Illustrated.

Miss said...

I am fairly new to the Enty blog, but I am smitten..especially after the last 2 years of Perez.. I KNOW I KNOW... but give a girl credit for moving on and up! That being said.. I am smitten with Enty's choice of fav ex wife as well! I look forward to more Carli posts :)

Audrey said...

I thought Cissy from Family Affair OD'd in the 70's.

carli's dad said...

your outing was great (again).Each outing gets better.
Is it better tickets, or your more entertaining weave of wit-facts with those wonderful pics the stars share with you.
keep going :))

carli's dad

Miss X said...

Carli, great job! Enty, definitely get her tickets more often. :)

shakey said...

Love your brand of snarky bitch, Carli. Though I have to disagree re Joan Van Ark - she looks like a monkey on acid. She fucked up her face really bad.

Bernie Kopell has an 11 year old son? Wonder what he thought of Dad's "guest appearance" on The Suite Life of Zack and Cody - old man playing bingo.

Audrey, it was Buffy who O'D.

Reah said...

Love you Chuey!

Marian said...

Audrey: That was the young woman who played "Buffy" and sadly, I can't remember her real name.

I think Carli writes some of this blog. Very familiar style.

Mooshki said...

Enty, whatever you did to lose such a smart, funny lady, I hope you've apologized to her. And to your dad. ;)

Re: NPH - you are SO lucky!!!!

I agree with the others, we need more Carli around here!

dev said...

Cathy Garver is Paris Hilton's aunt.