Friday, February 23, 2018

Today's Blind Items - A Night At The Circus - A Himmmm Blind

(Part 2 of a 4 part series of Himmmms sharing their crazy nights. This is the second "M" and has been written as told to the group's writer who typed it all up for you. It's long so the TL/DR short attention span crowd can bookmark it and read it when you want.  WARNING: Some NSFW adult language & events).

I'd been a good guy all my life.  Truly.  The dorky kid, kind of bookish and keeping to myself.  I knew right from wrong, and was raised in a large family with a great dad who always steered me away from crazies and creeps.  That's unusual growing up in Hollywood, at studios, and there is where I met a lifelong good friend who is the idiot who roped me into sharing this story on this amazingly addictive blog you call CDAN.  He and I have a lot in common – including bad car experiences and others' bodily fluids, and have shared many insane nights together.  He wasn't with me on the one I'm about to share, but I still blame him for it.  In fact, I blame him for everything crazy in my life.  I still can't figure why I need crazy people around me all the time.   

I'm going to start this story at the end.  That's how I remembered the entire event – all in reverse.

I awoke on the floor, staring straight up at the ceiling.  The morning sunlight painted the room.  Two faces were staring down at me, and I could barely move.  My head felt like a steamroller was parked on it, and some wild animal used me mouth as a port-a-potty.  I raised up and was covered in stains, and something smelled tragic.  Yes, it was me.  The two people hovering over me had a look on their face like they'd just seen a car hit by a train.  Total disappointment.  Shock, confusion, and disgust.  I meant me.  That's how I felt.  Where was I? Who was I? What happened?

Slowly, the two people became familiar.  Family members, two of my judgmental siblings and…uggh.  What a headache.  I was in my sister's house, or maybe it was hell.  No, because if I'd died and gone to hell there's be good music and strippers I'm positive of it.  Worse than hell, I was at this Leave It To Beaver house here in the suburbs of Hollywood.

"It was nice of that strange girl to bring you home Mister Big Shot Hollywood.  Good thing dad's not here or mom either or you'd be in the drunk tank young man. Or at Cedars.  Are you on drugs? I thought you were in your writing cycle, hiding away somewhere.  You were out with that crazy guy again weren't you? Hope it was worth it, whatever it was. Who WAS that gorgeous girl who woke us up at 4am and dragged you in here? Get up and get a shower because you're stinking up the house."

Nobody loves you like family.

How and why was I here? Why did I feel so off-kilter, and WHAT was that SMELL on me? Is that blood dried on my pants? Is it mine? Oww my hand really hurts…damn, that's glass and dried blood in my hand.  Oh no. No.  Oh hell.  NOW I remember.  It's all coming back now. I remember Darth Vader.  A crazy killer guy.  Naked blonde goddess.  What the – Oh, Dear…God.  No good deed goes unpunished. Amen to that.

It began with a call from a beautiful young lady who was best friends with my current girlfriend.  We'd been dating a while and my lady (#1 - flash in the pan A list singer who defined that heroin chic look of her time) was enjoying her musical success.  She was sweet, but a little fruity – young and mental like me.  I too had found success in the movies and was unprepared for the explosion of life that came with it.  I was too young.  After all the craziness of that first big movie, I'd decided to hole up and write my next movie.  It was a horrible time in my personal life, with a sick parent and feeling like I was going insane.  So my girlfriend's friend, we'll refer to her as Saffron – she wanted to drag me out of my pit of despair to give me a break.

"Be social, come out with me. Just a few hours – it'll energize you and you can go back into your hole and write some more."  Sounded good.  My girlfriend put her up to it. Gee, thanks.  Saffron wasn't a famous celebrity, but she worked for (#2 - follicly challenged A list mostly movie actor who has a franchise and is an Oscar winner/nominee) as an assistant.  She was super brainy, graduated from London School of Economics, and she was related to the fallen Shah of Iran.  A stunning brunette, tall and tan, and could probably kick my butt.  She also modeled, and looked like a svelte image of Princess Jasmine.  Saffron was raised in many of the same prep schools as I was, and though American she had a dignified royal sensibility about her.  As well as a wild streak fifty miles wide.

Of all damn things, she wanted to take me to a movie premiere. But she pleaded, and since it was at my favorite theater, I agreed.  It promised to at least be interesting, not my usual type of film or my crowd.  I forced myself to get ready, and picked up Saffron in my new convertible.  We drove over to Sunset to the legendary theater where I was shocked there was anybody even there for this premiere.  People knew my name but not my face so we were safe from paparazzi and publicists.

We snaked our way up the red carpet to the legendary Cinerama dome.  This rotund cinema on Sunset is a landmark, and even though this movie should've premiered on Cinemax – they gave it the big screen treatment.  It was dog sh!t.  A real turd of a film.  It starred (#3 - permanent A list daytime talk show host).  About 180 degrees opposite what I liked or was used to in my own films, but hey – it takes all kinds.  It was a fun movie, and pretty wild.  Funny enough? It had a lot of talent in it.  The Director (#4) was a real sweet guy, very talented, and taking any gig he could to build to his career. He did some great music videos.  Sadly, this movie nearly ended him in Hollywood.

The big star of the movie was another warm, sincere, and intelligent man – totally the polar opposite of his persona.  The movie had several in the cast who were destined for great things, including (#5 - former B/B- list actress who probably none of you will get), (#6 - A-/B+ list mostly television actress who has had two shows make it past the 100 episode mark), and (#7 - B/B- list mostly television actress who did have a recurring role in last year's big pay cable hit).  It also starred a young tough guy (#8 - B list mostly television actor who will never shake a character name he played) who became a close pal of mine and who later had a role in an iconic film (#9 - one of the better superhero movies).  It also had one that was there simply as a personal favor to a pal of the Producer.  That producer had lots of pals, and I'd known him years before and he was quite a showman.  The lady he cast, (#10 - it was her second to last movie) was a favor to her current man (#11 - permanent A++ list mostly movie actor). The producer behind it, had certainly had bigger hits (#12 - Starred Julia Roberts) and (#13 - Starred a sexual predator who made a sequel) and his commercial instincts were sharp. Sadly? They were dull on this one. Hey, it happens to us all in the industry.

The real, undisputed, breakout star of the movie was (#14 - A- list mostly television actress currently on a network hit).  Let's call her Blondie.  She was very sexy, very short, and very fit.  She was just hitting the stride of her private life – although her professional arc wouldn't peak for a few years until she landed (#15 - a show that didn't quite make it to 100 episodes).  Although years later she'd go on to win a big award, at this point she'd mostly done some television, some modeling, and an erotic thriller (#16 - kind of surprising the names that starred in the first two) that put her face on the map.  Well, honestly, not so much her face.  Her body? Certainly.  She was very in-shape, and her derriere looked like a bubble carved from granite.  Least you think I'm objectifying, you should know this actress was very proud of her physique.  She was no dummy, and knew it was – literally – her money maker, which she was happy to shake.  Or show.  Anytime she wanted.  I doubt anyone complained, and combined with a great sense of humor, cursing like a sailor (and drinking like one too) made her fun to hang around.  Tough lady.  Hot too.

This movie wasn't winning any awards to be sure, but people enjoyed it.  So at the after-premiere party everyone was in a happy mood.  At the old Hollywood Palladium, it was a great place for a party.  Strangely, the man starring in it was about the only one not partying.  He spent most of the evening on a cell phone in the lobby.  Probably cursing out his agent or seeing if Dr. Kevorkian was available.  The actresses from the film were dancing, singing, and kicked off the party with many, many shots of alcohol.  As did Blondie.  It was evident that no man nor woman could compete.  Until Saffron stepped up.  They began doing Goldschlager bombs and tequila shots while the music blasted, people dance, and the party raged on.  In fact – the party may have lasted longer than the film's run in theaters.

Striking up a fast friendship due to commonalities in their lives, Blondie and Saffron were laughing, talking, and conspiring.  Meeting me, Blondie said she wanted to talk to me about helping her career to survive this dumpster fire of a movie.  But first  - she needed my help in escaping her date.  A guy she'd dated on and off who had become a possessive stalker, and she wanted to ditch him.  Would Saffron and I help her?  Uhhh, okay, I guess.  So when he stepped out to smoke – the two ladies jumped in back of my convertible.  Both of them in the backseat.  I told them to slide low in the seats (my convertible top was down), and we'll sneak out quietly. It was almost 1am.

We began to pull onto Sunset when Blondie yelled out at full volume: HOLY SH&T! HE'S BEHIND US!.  Indeed he was, almost inches off our bumper.  She yells that "he'll kill us all!".  Adding, "He works with Steven Seagal and they're both crazy."  She also said he had a pistol and would kill all three of us, because he was a total nut bag.  Not the best time to be told the hot actress you just absconded with is the imagined "property" of a Steven Seagal acolyte/assistant/probable hitman.

I ducked and weaved through Hollywood traffic, trying to either draw a cop's attention to us or lose him.  I knew we'd never make it back to my house so I started brainstorming.  Saffron said we could get to a studio lot – and he'd never follow us in.  Paramount is closest – she's digging through her purse for a pass.  Amazing plan, and that's why even drunk she was smarter than me.  Looking in the mirror, I could see Blondie turned facing the car behind us, with her rump sticking up over the headrest.  Then I  - and all of L.A. - could hear Blondie yelling: "F%#K YOU PSYCHO MOTHERF%#KER! YOU CAN'T TOUCH ME NOW YOU PU$&Y! I'M WITH A REAL MAN NOW AND WE'RE GONNA F%#K ALL NIGHT BABY!! WHOO-HOO!!!".  Then…she gives him the finger.  Because, ya know…drunken crazed actresses.

We're soooo gonna die.

I wonder if the DGA will honor me with a headstone? I could almost read it know: Here lies the short career of a promising young filmmaker.  Snuffed out in the prime of his career by a jealous psycho steroid slayer. All to save the life of a big-mouth blonde with a motor-driven ass. RIP young filmmaker, walk with the angels.

Saffron is almost heaving from hysterical laughter, and I'm scared sh!+less.  I'm darting through traffic and turning against the lights, anything to outrun him.  We go sailing down Gower, nearly swiping a car, and blasting down the road.  Just then Blondie yells "WE LOST HIM! HELL YAY-UH!!".  Saffron says, "Oh hell, I think we did!".  Between their laughing and dancing in the backseat, I was about to have a stroke.

Saffron said to still head for the Paramount Lot, and just as we took the turn onto Melrose – approaching the gates – I hear "NO F%#KING WAY???".  There was Mr. Psychokiller approaching the other direction.  Melrose, this time of night, was pretty empty – and he could see us too.  He pulled sideways facing wrong-way traffic, to parallel the curb near the gate entrance.  He could cut us off, or shoot me when I used the drive-on pass at the gate entrance.

If my mind had been thinking logically instead of about fear, adrenaline, and clouded with sexy-actress influence…then I'd have pulled in and had a gate guard help us.  Or driven to a police station.  But I was far too distracted for anything logical.  Back then I had passes for several movie studio lots, as I had friends there and several were trying to get me to sign a deal with their different studios.  So I knew we had options. 

Saffron shouts "FOX!!! Go to FOX! To FOX! To FOX!" twenty times in a row. Like Rain Man on crack.  "Fox!!! To Fox! To FOXXX!".

Blondie drunkenly bellows out: "To Fox! Release the HOUNDS! On the HUNT! Let the games BEGIN!", and making a trumpet blast sound.  Both of the delinquents in the backseat explode in laughter, drunkenly singing.  Like it was the funniest thing in history.  Me? Not so much. Saffron reaches up over the seat and cranks the radio volume full blast on KROQ fm.  They played one song to death, constantly: Harvey Danger's Flagpole Sitta.  But it's a great song to drive to, so it was perfect when Blondie yelled: "Go !!!".

I did a bootleg turn and spun the car in the road.  Saffron flies back, landing on Blondie.  I go tear-assing down through Hollywood to hit Olympic Blvd., as we'd hit bumps in the road wide open. No cops in sight.  Every time Blondie start singing at top volume we'd hit a bump and the two ladies in the backseat went airborne.  I was more worried about the nutjob.  Thankfully, I'd out-run him again.  It seemed.  This was a brand-new Mustang GT convertible and it would haul ass.  I'd made a Luke Duke-worthy turn at the cloverleaf onto Ave. of The Stars, and had clear sailing.  Blew the intersection onto Pico and was home free.

I could see our turn coming in sight.  Approaching the FOX main gate we see – you got it – Steven Seagal Jr.'s car high-balling right up our ass end like a train behind us.  I could never figure how the hell this guy could find us so easy. Did he have a lo-jack up Blondie's ass? I slide it in through the FOX gates and screech to a halt.  Not a soul around.  Sh&t.  I got my drive-on pass out, and put it into the card reader (no ez-pass scanners in those days).  The gates C-R-E-E-P open very, very S-L-O-W-L-Y.  Like a team of elderly hamsters were pulling it or something.  The killer screeches his brakes and leaves black marks and smoke as he overshoots the turn in driveway.  Then he backs up.  Come on, come on, HURRY DAMN GATE!!

That's when I heard it: "BAM! BAM-BAM!".

I looked back and saw Mr. Psycho holding a revolver.  He was shooting at us.  From the street, still inside his car.  HOLY SH%T!! Thankfully he missed, but it was loud as hell and scared me to death.  I punched it through the entry and the gates began to creep closed behind us.  We managed to make it inside, just as the psycho pulled up to the closing gate.  I didn't think to ask Blondie if he was an employee who may also have a pass.  Thank you eight-pound baby Jesus – he did not have one.  We weaved through construction zones and spots on the lot until we got close to the stages.

Wanting to put buildings and space between us and the gate, I wheeled into one of the open employee lots, killed the motor, and just sat there.  I was trying to let my heart slow; while my ears rang from all the racket.  Mostly of the blonde variety from behind my head through the entire escape from witch mountain event.  Looking over out in the distance around the big building, I could still see that guy's car sitting just outside the gates.  Still running.  Waiting for us to leave.  Minutes, hours, days…years.  However long it would take, he'd be there. Persistent bastard. Waiting to shoot us. Let's find a phone and call the cops.

From behind me, a blonde cackle: "That was AWE-SOME! Like, seriously.  I wasn't shittin' you guys – he'd really killed us all.  He was shooting at us! He said he used to be a cop. But ya know? We're here.  Let's go do something fun". No, let's not.

"Come on stud! You got two hotties here with 'ya.  Let's go sneak on a set and do somethin' freaky.  Wanna?"

Hell no.  But Saffron agrees.  I don't.  I just want peace, quiet, safety, and a time machine to un-do this night.  And possibly a platoon of Marines to escort us home.  But Blondie had other plans.  "Lookie, lookie what I got guys.  Am I just the bomb or what? Ohh – damn.  I gotta piss somethin' ferocious baby dolls. Yow! Like now.  Let's go make a mud puddle!".

With that, my two companions drunkenly claw their way out of my backseat, with liquor bottles in hand.  TWO liquor bottles.  Full sized.  Both ladies still dressed to the hilt, stiletto heels, and stumbling on shaking ankles.  So I – the now-anointed sole responsible adult in the group, followed.  This was a new role for me actually, and I've not been accused of being a responsible adult before that time, nor since.

We wobbled and waddled our way, until I admonished the ladies to please keep the noise down.  It was very late (or early) and the security guys here had to have heard the shots.  They would throw us off the lot.  Which would put us back out there on the road as chum to feed to Mr. 5150.  So the girls decided the best way to calm me was with lots of physical contact.  With one on the left, and one on the right, they used me as both a walking cane and plot of their jokes.  In between swigs of booze, which was obviously affecting their agility, they'd kiss and tease me.

"Uhhh, not that I mind really, but you know I have a girlfriend.  In fact – she's your best friend."

Saffron giggled, and said it was fine. They "share everything" she assured me. Besides, it would be great inspiration for me to write another great movie.  "Don't be such a total pussy" said Blondie.  So somewhere between rationalization and inebriation I did what any young hetero man would do in this situation.  I turned into a dog, and decided to go for it. Like Clark Griswold in a swimming pool, I lost all morals and decency.  But holy hell they were gorgeous.  Life's short. Go for it.  That's my creedo.  Thus, with two drunk and horny actresses, maybe it wouldn't be such a bad night.  I thought that right up until Blondie announced to us that she's gonna pee.  I looked around.  Okay, but let me see…I told her there weren't any bathrooms.

Hold this. She hands me her bottle.

Blondie hikes up her black designer dress.  Then…SQUAT. 

Right there.  Right smack dab in front of Darth Vader & Luke. She hiked up her dress, adjusted her undies, copped a squat and peed.  RIGHT THERE! In the middle of the asphalt, there on the lot, facing a gigantic building-sized wall mural painting of Darth & Luke from Star Wars amidst their epic light saber battle.  An iconic painting, of an iconic scene.  Now it was background dressing for a drunken actress doing cop-a-squat as she let it flow.  Good Lord.  Blondie asks about Vader's dick.  What color was it? Did light come out of it? Was it an evil penis? Could he give you an orgasm using the force? And on, and on, and on she asked.  As she squatted laughing, watching the mural.

Speaking of watching, I didn't have the foresight or warning to consider there where probably a dozen cameras that could see this event transpire (which obviously hadn't registered to me but doubtful girls would've cared.  Actually, Blondie probably would've liked the exhibitionism of it all).  Meanwhile, I gotta go really bad too, so I turned towards a building and the flower bed and lost 20 rounds of fluid weight in seconds.  Only then, did I raise my gaze to indeed see a security camera pointed right at me from the building's side.  Not good.

After completion, I turned back around to hear the ladies both cackling again – and Blondie cursing a blue streak.  While squatting, Blondie peed on her dress.  Not a little, but the entire back of her dress was soaked in the puddle.  Ten gallons of urine. Wet, she drunkenly peeled it off and slung it over at me until I heard...THWAP!

I felt the sting of a flimsy wet dress plaster itself to my head, face, and shoulders. There I stood, covered in a black designer gown, dripping with rapidly-cooling human urine.  Gross.  My cohorts roared with laughter.  I peeled it off, wringing it out, and trying to wipe off the liquid which covered what little dignity I had left.  Not happy.  Just as I was about to leave the women to fend for themselves against a murderous psycho outside the gates – I turned to see them both.  They were snuggled up to each other, standing right there in the dark lot.

All I heard, in a low, almost beckoning pair of voices, was: "Sorry…will you forgive us?".

I didn't have to answer.  No words could escape.  All I could do was stare.  Standing there in only her thong and bra.  The blonde goddess body wrapping itself around the other dark-haired tanned body.  Blondie did her little pout, and looked exactly like she did in that erotic movie.  Wow.  Saffron began a slow, gentle chuckle at me in my dumbstruck state.  Blondie says in a low voice that she really is sorry, but drinking liquor makes her crazy…crazy horny.  Then she turns to Saffron and plants a drunken kiss on her – I'm stunned to total paralysis.  They start making out in a major way, hands everywhere. So hot. (I realize now I should've started this story out with: "Dear Penthouse – this never happens to guys like me but…").  This was really happening.

Lost in my daze, over the girls' shoulders in the back of the lot, I see tiny bright lights coming from way off.  All I could think – after the chase from hell earlier, was "OH SH!T! PSYCHO KILLER!".  I step up and grab the ladies, and pull them as we start to run off towards a big construction dumpster to hide behind.  The Fox lot was always under construction for years.  So I'm pulling a confused Saffron under her arm, trying to get the bottle from her, as she tries not to drop the glass; and a nearly-nude confused Blondie is being dragged by Saffron's other hand.  All while Blondie is running in only her skimpies – and very tall stiletto heels (which still only made her five feet tall).  She's cursing, yanking her hands free, and trying to reach down and unstrap her heels while running. Very drunkenly.  I tell them that I think security is coming for us in a golf buggy. Saffron's got her heels and booze bottle already in her hands saying: "They're coming!".

And as sure as you're born – Blondie falls. HARD.  Splat, onto the asphalt, her head hitting as the topples over in a pile of tanned alcoholism.

Blondie's fall knocks Saffron down with her, and SMASH goes the glass bottle.  Everywhere.  They both lay there splayed out in a heap of tangled, half-nude bodies, limbs, and hair – with broken glass, booze, and other detritus every which way.  How they never got cut by the glass I don't know. We never made it to the dumpster.  Seeing the lights getting closer, I turn, bend down, and try to pull them both away from the glass and booze.  I got them clear about two feet away, when Saffron yanks me, and I too come crashing down on top of them both in the pile.  Thankfully, again, away from the glass – though the booze has run down the asphalt to begin marinating Blondie's hair.  We wound up in a pile right there in front of the building (Darth Vader-adjacent), sprawled out on the asphalt like a carton of broken eggs.  I was then able to bounce right up.  Blondie was out cold.  Saffron was groggy and now her dress was torn from falling on her heels previously in her hands.  Saffron yells: "Sh*T!". At top volume.  Blondie starts to mumble, and I'm one leg up and one down leaning over both trying to rouse them before this security golf cart arrives.

Too late. Do you remember that scene in the movie "Stripes"?  When the MPs catch Ramis straddling Bill Murray at night while escaping?  And the jeep lights make it appear…very awkward?  Yeah.  That was this.  Exactly like us at this moment, except I was on top.  Of two nearly naked actresses.

One drunk, the other semi-conscious with a bleeding abrasion on her forehead.  In a pond of booze, and broken glass.  (And I still was damp and stinking of pee).

This wasn't gonna end well.   The security buggy comes to a halt – headlights blinding us.  The first guard was Mean Joe Greene-sized-huge and all I heard was "Wha – tha – fahh?".  Guard 2 (obviously too militant for Army Rangers) – had his stun gun in one hand, and mace in the other.  Pointed right at me as they slowly approached.  Saffron, rubbing her head, groggily saying "Now my dress is ripped too! Thanks".  Probably not the best words to utter in this moment.  Blondie was just moaning in pain, a red nasty scuff on her forehead..half-awake…and mostly bare-assed naked. With me fully dressed, mostly sober, and realizing the headlines tomorrow would read: Two heroic guards rescue actresses from bladder bandit, with me being charged with attempted rape, assault…and contributing to public urination or something.

"Guys, this isn't what it looks like – honestly, we all just fell down.  Funny thing is…"

Then they lunged.  At me.  Scooping me up, away from the girls, and over.  I went down like a bag of rocks.  Right on top of the pile of glass and booze. Oww.

Saffron was oblivious to the whole live drama of a Cops episode two feet from her, only smacking Blondie around and trying to wake her.  It worked.  She came to, focused, and started cursing out the guards.  Saffron steps over and pushes one guard off me.  The bigger guard is grinding me into the asphalt and glass.  The other guard lunges for Saffron, who – even drunk – does a roundhouse kick to his chest and levels him.  The big guard yanks me up in time for G.I. Joe to pull out his mace and let it go.  All towards the other guard and me.  Nice aim.

So I'm heaving, coughing, retching and spitting.  Eyes dripping, my hands cut and bleeding with glass shrapnel.  The big guard says: "Hold the hell on here! What's going on?". He too is coughing, wiping his eyes. Saffron attempts to explain, as Blondie staggers to her feet.  Falling and trying again.  I'm just there in a pile.  Saffron explains, and tells the guards who I am and about the psycho.  Mostly, they're more focused on Blondie, half nude, stumbling to life.  After the guards realized who we all were – they apologized to me, and began to call Paramedics, which Saffron and I begged them not to do.  Saffron yanks Blondie quickly, to prove she was fine.  Big scrape on her forehead notwithstanding, she did still look rather glamorous.  And clothes-free.  Which the Guards both continued to notice.

ISIS could've been "looting the Food King" and they'd never have noticed anything else.  Then the full force of Saffron's violent yank of Blondie caught up with Blondie's equilibrium.  Saffron hands her the urine-towel dress, which she carefully uses to wipe up her bloody head – before throwing it again, right across my head.  Uggh, really? Now I've got more of this actresses bodily fluids and DNA on me than I have of my own.  But I too use it to wipe the crud from my face, blood from my hands, and hair.

The Guards finally gave us a ride back out to my car, and after serious side-eye from telling them about the crazy boyfriend chase – they checked that all was clear outside the gates.  It was. They said they heard no gunshots and asked if I was dreaming it? Great.  I honestly may have surrendered to the psycho killer at that point.  I just had enough.  After a round of the Guards determining I was sober enough to drive (not a high standard for them I guess) and not a predator, they let us all go.  I was gonna ask for the security tapes, but figured they earned it and didn't wanna push my luck.  Because by that point?  I'd had very little by way of luck.

I'd like to brag by stating that we all went back to my place, shared a shower and Jacuzzi and freaky circus-sex til sun-up…but it wasn't to be.  We poured into my convertible – and the CD player began to play the most famous song of my girlfriend. ACK! I'm being haunted! I pushed eject, and slung the damned CD out of the car.  I felt bad enough.  I remember that we eased off the lot, and the psycho was gone.  Then we slowly drove until we took Blondie to her condo, and Saffron was sober enough to drive.  I climbed into my backseat, and it was the last thing I recalled.  I surrendered and passed out.  No good deed…

Saffron knew where my sister's house was so she drove me there and took a cab home (she later said).  Apparently leaving me in the walkway of the hall to my sister's house.  Which is where I awoke when we began this story.  I was just glad everyone lived.  Mostly myself.  But after cleaning up, getting rid of the gross smells contaminating my body – burning my clothes – I began to reflect on the night.  I knew enough that I didn't cheat on my girlfriend, and felt relieved.  That's the total sad truth.  I retreated to my home and resumed writing my most personal film.  I copped to everything and confessed the night to my girlfriend.  She laughed, and said Saffron told her everything. She was only sad she missed it. We broke up not long after, and I found the love of my life. My ex and I still remain friends to this day.

Saffron got married not long afterwards, is now an amazingly hot mom, and possibly the coolest lady in the Brentwood Minivan Mafia carpool nowadays.  We never got a do-over of that night, but I've seen Blondie several times since then over the years.  She too settled down and married (even to an attorney so that should tell you she's got real issues).  She also had a few kids, and by now has a few ex-husbands too I think, but probably still has a wild streak wider than Saffron's.  I know that in the past few years every time I see Blondie, whether around town or at an industry event?  It's always with a fond thought.  Always with a shy smile, a look of "sorry", and a nod of the head.

All from me, that is.

When SHE sees ME? She cackles laughing, slaps my butt, and makes mocking "snarling" gestures at me (as if she smells the bodily fluids which never washed off).  I just shake my head, remind her that both Darth Vader and I have seen her cop-a-squat, and that she nearly raped me, got me killed, and arrested - all at once.  She always laughs, like it's a normal weekend for her.  Thinking back on her life?  It may be.  All in all, just surviving that night was worth it – and having a story to remember it by.  No matter who owns that Fox studio lot or what Disney does with it?  I know a certain patch of asphalt right there on that lot will always be mine.  I still have the scars to prove it.

208 comments:

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DonnaMarie said...

The year would be 1996 and the movie would be Mr Wrong with Ellen DeGeneres and Bill Pullman

DonnaMarie said...

Shawn Covin is the flash-in-the-pan gf singer and Woody Harrleson is the baldy with a franchise

nonyabusiness said...

I hope someone sums this whole thing up.

Elisa Fox said...

I saw some old Larry Sanders shows and Shawn Colvin was on there a few times. She is so irritatingly earnest and sincere. I must confess I saw "Mr Wrong" twice in one week back in the day. I had a similar issue with the wrong guy falling in love with me and that movie was pretty funny at the time. On the Larry Sanders shows Larry had a "relationship" with Ellen G. It is amazing that she has had such a long career.

I have not had time to read the whole blind. I'm here goofing off at work- I need a Cliff Notes version of this blind.

DonnaMarie said...

Or the movie could be 1997's Goodbye Lover starring Ellen, Patricia Arquette and Mary Louise Parker?

SarahElizabeth said...

Fiona Apple as fruity singer

Bubble said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
V said...

I think the movie might be Ringmaster (Jerry Springer) and Blondie = Jamie Pressley with My Name is Earl being the show that didn't quite have 100 episodes (it had 96)

Urban reader said...

Hate these overlong items and don't read them.

V said...

And the director of Ringmaster (Neil Abramson) has directed several music videos.

kelli grrrl said...

FWIW, Flagpole Sitta was released in 1997.

Tricia13 said...

Great call!

DonnaMarie said...

Thats a good guess V. Never would have considered Jery Springer in a movie.

Wolfe said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
GoodAshBadAsh said...

Paul Thomas Anderson, gf is Fiona Apple.

writeranimal said...

Def Jaime Pressly for Blondie, as "The Second M" references her erotic movie as the third installment of a series with some surprising cast in the first two (Poison Ivy; and it IS crazy the cast they pulled together for rounds 1 and 2... Drew Barrymore, Alissa Milano, Camila Belle, Tom Skerritt...Leonardo DiCaprio?? True story.)

Kendrick Schroder said...

I'm looking forward to reading it all at lunch, but if there's going to be a test I may need the Cliff Notes too. I like these long ones.

Mem said...

3 - Jerry Springer
4 - Neil Abramson
6 - Wendy Raquel Robinson
7 - Molly Hagan
8 - Michael Jai White
9 - The Dark Knight
12 - Pretty Woman
13 - Under Seige
14 - Jaime Pressly
15 - My Name Is Earl
16 - Poison Ivy 3

Tricia13 said...

V /Mem nailed this hardcore 🥂

A dumb idiot said...

Yeah, if this is Fiona Apple, the narrator is likely to be someone who started their career in the mid-nineties and has many siblings and grew up in the business. Definitely narrows it down to about one person ;). She's not a flash in the pan to me, but I could see that from a popular charts standpoint.

CuriousTex said...

Paul Thomas Anderson may fit as story teller. Takes place between Boogie Nights and Magnolia and he dated Fiona Apple during this time.

CuriousTex said...

Props to GoodAsh. Beat me to it.

parissucksliterally said...

As much as I love to read, you'd think I'd be able to read through these BIs as long as a novel.

But I can't. These blinds are way too long. Have fun, guys - these are all you.

Mem said...

Yeah I wouldn't call Fiona Apple a flash in the pan, but the timing fits.
1 - Fiona Apple
10 - Rebecca Broussard
11 - Jack Nicholson

Mem said...

It does amuse me that we're not meant to out or speculate on who Himmmm is/are, but then they leave such explicit clues in these things that they out themselves, haha.

Florin said...

@Mem: Tidal was a huge hit, and the second album with the really long title didn't do nearly as well. I can see that as flash in the pan.

And I love these short story blinds. Kind of reminds me of some of the older blinds.

Don Kieballs said...

Is Andrew Keegan the stalker?

aanjheni said...

@Mem There are too many clues between the last few stories to not be able to figure out who some of the Himmmms are.

It is almost like they are 'outing' themselves :)

BestMan said...

I thought of her as well

Barbotus said...

Was also thinking Presley all the way, but he repeatedly says that Blondie is well less than 5 feet tall. Presley is 5’5” per wiki and IMDb. Not convinced that it isn’t her, but it is one piece that doesn’t fit.

pkelly491 said...

Not looking at any comments before posting so forgive me if someone already got some of these

Blondie is Jaime Pressley
Film is Ringmaster with Jerry Springer
Not sure who Saffron is, but she isn't supposed to be that famous.
I know who #1 is supposed to be but will hold off on saying as it potentially gives this himmmm away.

Others that I got
#4 - Neil Abrahamson
#6 - Wendy Raquel Robinson
#7 - Molly Hagan
#8 - Michael Jai White
#9 - Dark Knight
#12 - Pretty Women
#13 - Under Siege
#14 - Jaime Pressly
#15 - My Name is Earl
#16 - Poison Ivy

Not sure on #2, #5, #10, #11

Desi Derium said...

The "Ringmaster"/"Night At The Circus" hint is awesome. :D
I love love *love* these long blinds! Except they make me realize how utterly boring my life has been. Lol.

pkelly491 said...

Yea #10 and #11 are Rebecca Broussard and Nicholson.

Don Kieballs said...

nm. I needed to keep reading

Spider Rico said...

Well written. Funny, and a nice guy just oozes within the text. Well done.

Don Kieballs said...

I kept thinking of Kristi Parrales being saffron, which is why I thought Keegan, who was at The Ringmaster premiere with a blonde named Katie. But in 98 she was about 14 and moving from Houston to Minnesota, so that was an interesting, but completely irrelevant time spent reading about them.

Sal Salington said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Desi Derium said...

Kinda agree about the Himmmms, though. I'm surprised how much info the two Himmmm blinds gave out. Either they are making these up to cast suspicion on other people, or they just figured "screw it" and are purposely kinda revealing themselves.
I've always thought Jaime Pressly seemed like a genuine, fun person to know in real life and hang out with.
And "Magnolia" is one of the best films ever made. "Ringmaster"...not so much.

A dumb idiot said...

The producer is Gary Goldstein, who produced Pretty Woman as well as Under Siege and Under Siege 2.

Dan said...

If Fiona Apple is the singer, than we know who the narrator is. Pretty obviously someone who fits this to a T based on timing and where he says he is now.

Han Niam said...

Now that was fun. And fun true story, while reading, Jaime Pressly featured in the role of Drunken Crazed Blonde Actress in my head from the first cackle. If it is indeed her, well done, Himmmm #2!

Pressly does check out, and 5’5” is pretty short if you’re tall. I’m taking the barely 5’ in heels as a narrative device. . Second husband was an entertainment lawyer.

On one hand, these Himmmm stories are so long and fun, I dive straight in as soon as they show up. On the other hand: boo, only two more left.

Speech_teacher said...

Great story!!! I could picture the whole thing. Funny, exciting, sexy ... It has it all. Can't wait for the next one.

Don Kieballs said...

We try to not guess or hint too much about who himmmm is, but if this himmmm is who I think, amazing and loving you and boo

Retailprofit said...

Pressly was married to an Enty....that makes me go hmmmmmm

Dan said...

I have to say, between this blind and the last, a certain acclaimed writer/director's 1997 and 1999 films make much more sense from a thematic, tonal standpoint.

Sal Salington said...

Wait until the mattress store plotline clicks. Heh.

CitizenYoungstown said...

Paul Thomas Anderson's father was a horror TV show host in Cleveland named Ghoulardi. Not sure if that counts as a Hollywood family.

xyzxyz33 said...

Paul Thomas Anderson... Big Smile.

Boogie Nights & Magnolia:
Movies that take me back to a time when movie soundtracks rocked.
I had both of those CDs on repeat every day all day.
Some of Aimee Mann's best work on Magnolia:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4c48vs4lwgc

Love the Dr Kevorkian reference which would put this around 1995/1996.
In one of my many Forrest Gump moments,
I met Dr Kevorkian while working at my
after-school job in the local police department in Bloomfield, Michigan.
He was coming in with his attorney Jeffrey Fieger to be fingerprinted.

I cannot f+cking believe 1996 was 22 years ago? WTF?
Can we go back, please?

Sara, Making It Work said...

Maybe Larry Romano for the psycho actor ex.
He was pictured at the Ringmaster premiere, but was not in the movie itself.
https://goo.gl/images/gSaeq4

Don Kieballs said...

I want Linda Edelstein to be included in this blind, but she was a NYC party girl.
enty/himmmm - any blinds from the Michael Musto, Alig, Rupaul, Club Kids era? Well, nt an Alig blind, that would be way too easy

Han Niam said...

@Citizen Definitely does.

Han Niam said...

@Don Are any of Alig’s exploits still unknown?

No... scratch that. There would need to be an encyclopedic set written to catch them all. And we’re not QUITE there yet.

Han Niam said...

The Cliffs Notes version wouldn’t be nearly as much fun.

Melvin The Reanimated said...

Well, most of the homework has been done for me, but I will throw out that #5, the actress he didn't think anyone would guess, is probably Retta, credited with "additional voices" and later of Parks and aRec

Shawn McGuire said...

Seems like the storyteller is actually female, the way some things are described...would a straight guy call another straight guy a sweet guy?

Sara, Making It Work said...

Also, Larry Romano was in Steven Seagal's Out For Justice, so we have a winner for the psycho.

Eowyn said...

And the point of this long post, which quickly became boring and uninteresting, is . . . ?

Sweetwater said...

Yasmine Delawari always looked like process Jasmine to me...

Observant One said...

Thank you for the excellent and descriptive storytelling, M2. We also appreciate your other (collective) contributions to this site.

Brayson87 said...

Sounds like you were lovecursed. As long as you're true to your heart everything is fine. If you're untrue oh boy. Everything is fine then the temptation, if you give in you're weirdly cock blocked. Then the strange bad stuff happens. I've had muggers try to bash my head in, got hit by a subway train, had my car turn into a cop magnet, etc before I figured it out. The good news is, they say only people with good hearts can be lovecursed.

GoogleSleuth said...

I just came back here to post that! +1!

Samantha Willow said...

You can tell a lot about a person by what they order for breakfast.

Samantha Willow said...

PS: love the shout outs to KROQ and Harvey Danger. Nice tonality. ;)

thecatwhisper said...

I would be lying if I said I read all this. I've been drinking vodka for hours (Been a bad day), so I have no idea what is going on.

Kate K said...

I hate this blind.

Kate K said...

That is what I thought, but none of the rest of the cast fits.

RandyM said...

Agreed!

Sal Salington said...

If the two long himmmm blinds are true and who they seem to be, makes me wonder if I'm right to discard all the Church stuff as crazy. These would be people who might actually know things.

Kate K said...

I would love it if that were true!

Kate K said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Stupidpervs said...

I hate when there is so many people to name ..it gets confusing and I forget which is which so it kinda ruins it for me ..skipping it

Himmmm said...

THANK YOU to all of those who've shared your kind comments and appreciation for this story. Means the world to all of us. We're glad you enjoyed it.

For those who didn't enjoy it or found it too challenging to read it? Apologies to you. But that's the good thing about this site - there's plenty from which to chose and much that should appeal to your interests - whatever that may entail.

If you read the very first paragraph - or the same on the previous long story, and take your time and read that part verrrry slowly, you'll see that it says that it is long. So if reading long things are not your thing? By all means find another thing that is your thing. We'll gladly refund your membership fee if you didn't get your money's worth. As for "the POINT" to the blind? (Again, sorry to repeat that which has been already repeated): The POINT is to share a story with you, our friends. A story of a fun crazy day/night. There's no child raping money laundering JFK Russian pizza assassination conspiracy theory or casting couch OD actress to reveal. It's just a real, true story of something that happened. That's it. For those who don't enjoy these things? We're not offended if you skip it. But for those who do enjoy it? Thank you, it means a lot.

As for details? A person's height can seem surprising when they're a model/actress and she's beside a 5'11" model. The Saffron of the story is not a mystery, because she's never been famous and probably has only 1 credit. She's just an awesome lady, but was assistant to a total douchecanoe actor in 1998.

You can INDEED tell much by what someone has for breakfast, dear Willow. Especially bacon. Even just vegan bacon! So thanks again my friends, and have a great weekend.

one_eyed_bob said...

Great story! I agree, let’s stop guessing the Himmmm’s identities as they have asked that we not do that.....and I’ll be rooting for you Himmmm2 on March 4.

lucy said...

I dig how there is like twelve people chiming in just to say how much they hate the read and "it's too long" and why bother and blah blah tap tap please condense it into six words for me please.. and I am the resident asshole? don't think so. just plain rude of You . why say that?

I like these stories! and even though I don't know many of the featured players I do know of one comment creature featured Ghoulardi! surely that isn't the ghoul is it? he wouldn't be old enough? I gotta Google that because I can honestly say first time I am totally starstruck. awesome history , awesome memories!

Himmmm said...

@Han, Brayson, Xyz, Speech, etc.: THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH!
@Don: Funny :-)
@Sal: I cannot say for certain about any other blinds on this site. I'm sorry I cannot comment on any of the blinds to which we were not privy to. Just know this: Enty/CDAN has a pretty amazing track record looking back, and Enty is a devil for details. So however crazy things may seem? I'd go with the over/under on Enty being correct if I was taking bets. That may not help, but history has proved it correct. I can only vouch for the things we've posted, and what we post is true. Just always remember that things in real life take time to come out. Again, I cannot comment on those posts which aren't from us, so make your own choices. Sorry if that's no help but thanks for the thoughts all the same.

Himmmm said...

@one_eyed & lucy: bwahahaha. classic. thanks! (i think?)
Gotta run now, almost carpool time! lol.
Have a great weekend friends!

aanjheni said...

I gotta say, I will take a million and one long blinds from the Himmmms than one about abuse, sexual or otherwise.

Thank you so much for the wonderful birthday present Himmmm #2. Even if you didn't intend it as such. 😘

DDonna Tarttty said...

Personally enjoying these long shaggy dog tales. I'm sure after the four are done we can get sequels right on down the line, if the writers feel so moved. I'd welcome it, if they stay as good as the two we got so far.

Really enjoyed the "Memento"-ish opening, thought maybe the whole thing would unfold backwards, which would've been cool but probably not doable considering the way the tale unfolds.

The pee stuff I think is really gross, but if it's true, it's true. Glad this wasn't Shawn Colvin, who is one of my favorite singer/songwriters, though it appears her best work is behind her. Still there's a lot of best work to choose from.

Thank you, Him/m/mm! Look forward to the next one.

Jeannies Bottle said...

I love these long blinds about wild nights and the shit people did when they were young. And I love Blondie in this story...what a character!!

Sekrit said...

Another Himmmm and another really awesome story. Always the incredible visionary, second M ;)

lucy said...

aha mystery solved. my ghoul = the sidekick/assistant. I didn't even know he was born of another. although I truly am humbled. who made the Kevorkian reference up top? I can't scroll up to see it. did you grow up in Detroit? surely you remember the ghoul! dude was total stoner along with count scary.
wow ghoulardi . the Original. fascinatingly awestruck. what a life. I am stoked.
and as to fieger? I was on jury duty at probably same courthouse when I saw him walk out of the bathroom and his zipper was down. I felt kinda bad for him , I wanted to tell him but it was like why was I looking at his 'area' I let it go, surely someone would tell him or hed notice at some point..

and hm² so obscenely rich ,car has a pool! stay sick 😏

Professor HC said...

I love these longer blinds! Thanks for sharing your story, Himmmm (#2)! It seems like it was fun to write and to reminisce. It was a fun read, for sure.

Lana T. said...

Me too, internet tome is for short reads and books are for when I have time to enjoy reading.

Nelson Muntz69 said...

I would prefer people keep the mystery of Himmmm to themselves as they always tell awesome stories and some of you although well intentioned will just fuck it up

That all being said, these are awesome stories

writeranimal said...

I had a fiction 101 professor in college who started the first class by asking for a show of hands, which of you young scribes consider your writing to be the most important thing in your life? I think about 80% of us naive, first time away from home, william burroughs loving sycophants raised our hands. The prof. said "Truly? Then what the fuck could you possibly be writing about?" Great teacher. Greater lesson. The Himmmm's seem to have taken to heart.

As a complete newcomer to this addictive site after a couple years in LA, what I love about these two Himmmm stories is the lovely three witches-esque concoction of two cups Hollywood lore, two tablespoons of that rare "you can tell the writer is smiling while writing it" vibe, and a huge healthy dash of nostalgia for a time before social media when people held eye contact during conversations and adventures like these were, in the best way, fleeting -- not made permanent by TMZ or the twitter-verse. It's the impermanence of that time that makes it so dear.

So thank you, M1 and M2. I hope The Eternal Order of Pallbearers has a great writer attached ;)

Desi Derium said...

I really wish I was carpooling with Himmmm right now, instead of sitting here watching "Storage Wars" and eating Ravioli right from the can.
Can't wait for the remaining two Himmmm stories! #1 and #2 have been awesome! (And thank you, sincerely.)

writeranimal said...

*Elvis Presley Pallbearers. Sweet, after all that I fuck up the title.

Han Niam said...

In California? Yeah.

Kalamota Kook said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Han Niam said...

@Desi and Himmmm, ha, I’m in an Uber that took forever as usual to get out of Hollywood now FINALLY on the 10 freeway since just after the carpool mention.

Surrounded by... carpools!

Does all of Hollywood let out at 2:00pm or something on Fridays? At least some of y’all carpool!

Brendee said...

Himmmm, thank you for being the story tellers you are and giving us a little faith in Hollywood.

These blinds remind us that there are still good people there just having a different experience.

Desi Derium said...

Here in small-town Wisconsin, we don’t even HAVE Uber where I live. But we DO have taxi cabs that will give you a free ride home from the bars if you’re too drunk to drive. Which is infinitely useful, this being Wisconsin and all. :)

Lexi said...

I don't think Jaime Pressly fits. She doesn't have multiple ex-husbands and she's 5'5" without heals which is average female height.

Lucy_Eyelesbarrow__ said...

In reading these blinds, it strikes me how skewed the tabloid system is in providing narratives about who celebrities are. I've discovered that some perceived good guys are anything but, and some people who have been portrayed poorly are actually good people. These blinds lend a much more human side to the people we've read about. It also makes me truly distrust certain outlets who obviously play favorites. I've been following since it seems like forever, truly thank you Himmmms and stay safe in your crazy world. We need to know the stuff you're telling-the light hearted as well as the serious stuff, because we would have no inkling otherwise! Cheers!

Han Niam said...

@Desi Especially in the winter, I should think! You probably don’t want to know how much half the greater metro area bundled up today for our 55 degree winter cold snap.

Sal T said...

The himmmms novellas have quickly become my favourite part of CDAN. I’ve relished both of the stories so far and can’t wait for the next two. Thank you M’s for sharing and allowing us to live your craziest nights vicariously through your wonderful storytelling.

Ur girl herel said...

OK I am getting Courtney love as gf there are 2 references to the name of her band hole. Gonna start there

Kate K said...

I don't dislike it because it's long. I dislike it because it's poorly written. It's sexist, racist and has too much showboating, pseudo-erotic filler with very little actual story.

Han Niam said...

Lexi: two ex husbands and some literary license from Himmmm.

Sal T said...

I wonder if we’ll ever get to hear about Enty’s craziest night? I wonder if Joe Strummer ever popped open the trunk on the deathmobile? I wonder whatever became of the designer dress of pee!? I bet the security guards still dine out on that story! Lol

Sal T said...

Kate K best thing is not to read it then. Problem solved!

Han Niam said...

@Kate Clearly we either read completely different narratives or your definition of “racist” involves no concrete mention of race whatsoever.

As for sexist... -shrug- what happened happened. The retelling didn’t strike me as sexist either, within the context of the narrative, and I’ve got a fairly deep theoretical and practical grasp of intersectional feminism to work from.

Now, if the blind was FICTION, and Himmmm threw in the gratuitous half naked blonde and make out scene and so on and so forth for titilation, I’d be inclined to agree with you on “sexist,” but when narrating a story the way it happened?

Whatcha gonna do?

More Cowbell said...

Haven't read through comments yet, but RINGMASTER is the movie.
Jerry Springer (talk-show host)
Jessica Broussard (dating A+++ actor at time)
Michael Jai White (tough guy)
Wendy Raquel Robinson (actress with two TV series of 100 episodes -- STEVE HARVEY SHOW and THE GAME
Jamie Presley as Blondie (previous erotic thriller was POISON IVY)
Singer girlfriend -- Fiona Apple

More Cowbell said...

Everyone got it before I posted! Good work! And thank you to Himmmm #2 for such a fun story! I'm just happy everyone lived through it!

Kate K said...

I'm not gonna do anything. Read some more blinds, I guess. Just didn't think this one was particularly good.

Alana Smithee said...

Love those long stories! Festive and not depressing.

Kinda feel like my life as a young filmmaker kinda sucks ahah! The perks of living in a not too glamorous city--

Well we have the chance to see Keanu from time to time--

Anyway great story! Also it have the same feeling as the random act of kindness at the Golden Globes ( the young designer crying at the fountain) Can't wait to read more.

Keep them coming Himmmms ( sorry for my bad english)

Unknown said...

I always get here too late because my job blocks this site, so my comments are always hours later lol!

You guys are amazing! I can never guess anyone right, but these Himmmm blinds are dope! I know we're not supposed to guess the Himmmm's, but what if one is a woman? That would be awesome!

Fairylights said...

Talk about an epic tale! Thanks Himmmmm, it was worth the read, and a great end to a pretty lousy week.

Buddy Bones Smith said...

Great story! I love the Himmmm blinds.

I have no problem with the length of the blind, only that “You told them all I was crazy, they cut off my legs, now I’m an amputee, goddamn you....” is now on repeat in my brain.

OKC Teacher said...

Great story! I cheated & read the comments before I read the whole story. I recommend picturing Jaime Pressly, in her best “Joy Turner” voice, narrating Blondie’s part.

Madame_ovary said...

Loved this story! My favorite line was "I'd made a Luke Duke-worthy turn at the cloverleaf onto Ave. of The Stars, and had clear sailing."

Anything Luke Duke worthy has to be impressive.

Nor Cal said...

Thank you to all the himmmms. I love your posts the most and I love it when you comment on a blind!

Laura Jay said...

About Jamie Pressley ... she was married to Simran Singh for a couple years. Mr. Singh is an actor and entertainment lawyer in LA. Could he be out elusive Enty?

Junebug said...

Love the long blinds, but I'm a reader. Several of my favorites were mentioned: Magnolia, Aimee Mann and more. Keep em' coming.

Pterodactyl said...

So much amazinginess!!! Thank you Him2!

Farmgirl said...

Thank you Himmmm.
I don't care about your real identities, I just love the contributions you make to this site. It reminds me of the Timmy/Shimmy period at CDAN.
Classic, engaging and best of all, fun!

Scandi Sanskrit said...

"her derriere looked like a bubble carved from granite" 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

STFU. 🤣

Scandi Sanskrit said...

"Because, ya know…drunken crazed actresses.

We're soooo gonna die." 😂😱

WHY DIDNT BLONDIE GET A RESTRAINING ORDER???????? S😨

Juliaph said...

When the comments reach over 100, somebody HAS to be writing something that is extremely engaging. Keep it up, guys.

I really did like the comment that the girl was married to an attorney at one point.... Himmmmm, was that a wink at Enty??? Since we don't know who Enty is, can you spill the beans on that one???

Dena said...

Great blind, thank you for another engaging & very well written story!

Totally OT, but I recently saw Phantom Thread, and I really hope Jonny Greenwood wins the Oscar for Best Original Score. This happens. This is something that happens.

SteveD said...

I remember Jaime saying that Poison Ivy 3 was only supposed to have brief nudity originally, probably more along the lines of Drew and Alyssa in the first two. As soon as the filmmakers saw her naked they added a lot more nudity. The pride Blondie in the story has in her body sounds consistent.

Bern Harris said...

That was my guess too but who is Blondie?!

Unknown said...

I LOVE these stories that feel as though I’m hearing them from a wonderful friend! Thank you Himmmm - such fun reading 😊 We readers are so fortunate that you’ll share these memories with such joyful candor! I for one love this site and love these stories most of all

rosie riveter said...

...is for the daily or semi-regular, loyal CDAN readers who all understand exactly what it means.
To you? No point at all.

rosie riveter said...

When taken in context, 1996 was a time when people didn't shout "racist" "misogynist" "sexist" and the like unless it was truly that. Judging from your view of this himmmm blind, you were born after 1996?
Times were different. It was awesome.

Raging Bunnies said...

NEOH farmgal native here.
Ghoulardi was the SHIT!!!!

Dumblesnore said...

Good stories so far...thankya

bleacherbunny said...

God I love this! I moved to LA out of college in 1997 and had many crazy nights myself in Hollywood. This takes me back! LOVE THE Himmms <3

BkLACC DIAMOND said...

i luvvv dat jerry springer movee but aint seen it foreva.
U an yo movee makin brothas need make more like dat.
i luvvv yo shout outz 2 my gurlz tangie & wendyRAQ an 2 dat
sexy azz hella brotha MICHAEL JAI WHITE!!!!!!!
OHHH DAyuM DID IT GET HOTT UP IN HEERE OR WAT CUZ I DONE
GOT FEELIN MYSEF GETTIN ALL SWEATY! MMM HMMM. COME 2 MOMMA TYSON!
id be showin dat boy watz up! he kno da ball from da bounce!
but fo real dats a good story. exceptin all dat peein.
datz jus nasteee. but U go on an bang yo thang brotha i aint judgin. let dat freek flag fly babeee.
i like yallz storiez playaz.

Cherry Coleman said...

+1000 @rosie I wish we got a Himmmmm blind daily.

Ligeia said...

LOL! This should be made into a movie . I love the long blinds

Scandi Sanskrit said...

Am I the only one visualising Debbie Harry as "Blondie" as they read this piece?

I mean, I know it's NOT (I don't think Debbie was ever an actress) but I can't tell imagine her in my head.

Scandi Sanskrit said...

*Cant HELL

Scandi Sanskrit said...

**Can't HELP (FFS, I'm not even drunk).

PghGirl said...

I love these so much!!! Thanks Himmmms!!!

Nubian Princess said...

Thank you so much Hm2! Great story, well written, and from the heart. There's still good people out there! We appreciate your candor, and all of your contributions to our little blog. At least I do.. lol

Scandi Sanskrit said...

Wat tha faaaaa?

I Googled "Jamie Presley" and she's like 1.65 metres tall. If Himmmm thinks that's SHORT, I'm going to lose my shit.

Scandi Sanskrit said...

Thanks for the latest instalment of the bodily fluids series. I wonder which one will we get next time? 💦

Scandi Sanskrit said...

Thank you Himmmm!

Dave said...

GoodAshBadAsh got it, I think--Paul Thomas Anderson grew up in a big Hollywood family; Fiona Apple is the original heroin chic. Anderson remains close with Fiona Apple, as stated in the blind, and Anderson soon after dating Apple met with Maya Rudolph and they're together to this day.

And DumbIdiot got the producer Gary Goldstein, producer of Pretty Woman and the sexual predator with a sequel: Steven Seagal with Under Siege x 2.

(www.bustle.com/articles/2603-fiona-apple-paul-thomas-anderson-reunite-to-make-a-simple-yet-stunning-new-music-video)

Himmmm said...

When you wake up on a sunny, yet bitterly cold L.A. morning, the coffee smell swirling, the house still quiet as the kids dream and the wife snores...and you sit at your laptop and read these comments? It warms you more than the coffee. THANKS FRIENDS, and we really appreciate this. Some of your comments are funnier than the story! hah!

As for that director guy everybody keeps guessing is the author? We never confirm, deny, or comment. But consider this: If THAT particular director guy has the balls to have his personal phone number given out, aloud, from the stage of a packed event in public recently? Then he clearly isn't as shy as SOME OTHER people about his privacy. Other than that...;-)

You're killin' me Scandi ! hah! As I said, if you have a nearly 6ft tall lady entwined with a shorter lady it can cause perspective issues. Either way...I'll tell you what - next time you stand next to that actress you named? Whip out a tape measure. If she's 5'5" tall in real life and not on an internet stats sheet? I'll buy the Tank Of Doom and park it in your driveway ;-)

Again, thank you all for giving of your time to take these rides with us. Your appreciation means more than all the awards we've never received...

...YET.

Be well and stay safe friends. Have a great weekend and enjoy life in any way you find it. See you next go round!
;-)

cheesegrater15 said...

Jesus, you want a trophy? Don't like it move on. Nobody cares how you feel about it.

Christine 16 said...

Yup, I think you nailed it!! Although she doesn't have more than 1 ex-hubby, she did have several engagements, and the 1 husband she did have is a lawyer! Also, she does have a few kids. Everything fits.

Missy Bigbritches said...

LOVE LOVE LOVE. More More More. please?

MovieBuff said...

Jaime Pressley had and has the best body in Hollywood abs of steel and a muscle ass. I love her and she is a down girl. The entire time I read this blind I was thinking Jaime. If it’s not Jaime I’d be like whoa. Who else has such a hardcore body. Jaime is known for her body.

Also Jaime did an episode of Fastlane with Tiffani Amber Thiessen. 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩👭 It’s the only episode I have ever seen and it’s the best.

I’m going to read the rest of the. Comments now.

MovieBuff said...

I finally made it to the end. This was a very good one. I commented above how I read the entire blind knowing Jaime was Blondie from the start. Now, all I can say is this....

Someone commented on another blind that Heather Graham may have gotten a facelift which I doubted but truly I don’t know. I work with an older very beautiful nurse manager that gets Botox and you cannot tell. She is quite beautiful and she’s in her late 50s early 60s. I can only tell clearly when some go under the knife if they look noticeably different. Heather does not look different to me. She is quite beautiful and she is older. Anyhow...

All that babbling and I just want to say it’s apparent that someone reading this blind does indeed know Heather Graham personally.

Please say to her “What up?” Tell her that I love her. 😍

As you were

DonnaMarie said...

Calling Fiona Apple a ditsy, flash-in-the pan singer IS sexist. She has won multiple Grammys and is still very much successful.

Mark said...

I grew up watching The Ghoul in Detroit, and was unaware that he was Ghoulardi v2.0.

Skibunny said...

Awesome blind. I'm grateful for the ones that aren't about the abuse and violation of children. Pee soaked dress on your head-classic.

TimC said...

too long did not read. looking at comments was bad enough. God this site is losing it. plus the fucking adds...ads on ads.

ValleyGurl said...

THIS!!!! I couldn’t get the last Hi(m)mmm blind out of my head!!! Thank you for sharing an equally amazing adventure with us. These tales have caused me to confess my dirty little secret to my friends. They’ve been wondering why I have been so quite lately so I told them how addicted I’ve become to this site. I haven’t heard from them in a few days. I blame Himmmm 😉🤟🏻

Mzfortunate said...

I knew this blind was going to be great when he starts the story in reverse - waking up on the floor staring at the ceiling with “morning sunlight painting the room”......to the bootleg and Luke-Duke turns, invisible elderly hamsters opening studio gate, Blondie’s Darth Vadar questions (Blondie is the fun best friend every girl should have), getting shot at, tackled, maced, 2x urine-soaked LBD slapped......what an entertaining story from 2 world class storytellers. Thank you for sharing this amusing story. AND the ending with the sorry/nod of the head and it’s you?? And Blondie cackle laughs and slaps your butt?? Perfection.

What I don’t understand are the commenters who complain on this site. No one wants to hear anyone complain. Ever. Why waste other people’s time by posting a pointless comment that the story is too long? The story is a f’n treat! The longer the story the more entertained we all are. Sorry, had to vent as it completely annoys me.

Thank you Himmmm2 for sharing that memory with us. Please keep them coming!!

Adrian Zmed said...

I enjoyed it. Window into a world I'll never know but that's OK.

As for blondie, she is exactly who we would think she is: fun loving and brassy. Good for her. And Saffron sounds like she has moved on to mid life mom-dom but she too will have some wild memories.

And as for Jerry Springer, I had heard he's a decent, normal person when not on his show.

Finally the Mean Joe Greene reference and caring for a sick parent very revealing. No need to say anymore than thanks for a fun window into a world 20 years ago.

Himmmm said...

You all are truly the best! We're so glad you enjoyed it.

Since some of you brought this up...I'm going to leave a little link here to a video someone posted on youtube. NOT that it has anything to do with this blind or anyone special ;-), just an interesting piece of television lore.

This is dedicated to all those who watched late night television in the Cleveland area during a certain era; and especially for all those "TV Kids" who grew up in the 70s-80s-early 90s watching ABC television shows. Especially...the LUUUUVVVVE boat.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dErRrsUTaEk

Go to the video above, and at about the 1min.:30sec. part and enjoy this crotchety old man with a legendary voice at work at the Prospect Studio ABC Lot here in the old part of Hollywood. Ignore his foul language. If you're teleported back to your childhood family television? Then he's not forgotten :-)
Take care gang...been a blast!

Han Niam said...

Wow, that YouTube clip brought me back! Thanks for the smile stuck on my face today, Himmmm.

lucy said...

I spent last half hour thumbing through all sorts of clips! how great someone had wherewithal to preserve and post. true treasure!
this is AWESOME https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=fdrCGDz_iyw

Unknown said...

That voice! Totally took me back ... as lucy said lots of treasure to be enjoyed there! Thanks for another gem Himmmm

Scandi Sanskrit said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Scandi Sanskrit said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Scandi Sanskrit said...

Also, judgmental siblings are are the worst! 😔

You'll be keeping a bunch of paper planners to deal with your ADHD and your judgemental sibling will be all like, "you little lumberjack! Because deforestation and climate change!" 😒

DICKHEAD. 🥒

Mommywoman said...

My favorite detail has to be the "elderly hamsters" line. Great story. I may actually watch the Oscars for a change, just to see if PTA wins stuff.

Unknown said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Soup said...

!

Soup said...

The judgmental sisters are SO the sisters from Punch Drunk Love (literally my favorite movie of ALL time- yes all time). It's such a gorgeous and perfect movie.
Also I once watched all of the extra footage from the Magnolia DVD while trying to rest my voice (opera singer in college) and honestly felt like I was friends with PT Anderson, Fiona Apple and Philip Seymour Hoffman (RIP ☹️) after that. To be fair to me there was a LOT of extra footage. I wonder if I was the only one who watched it all...?!

Aimless Spectator said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Court b said...

Bull, they totally expect us to out them, daring us to with more and more clues. If we get it, they just don't admit it publically. I don't know which idiot made the rule. Dumb. They wouldn't post personal stories, if they didn't enjoy the game and attention. End rant ;)

one_eyed_bob said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mommywoman said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
one_eyed_bob said...

Ernie Anderson has a lot of great clips on youtube and it runs in the family, apparently. One of his family members has an epic interview on youtube from 1998. Just intense and hilarious.

Court b said...

The weather in Wisconsin lately is quite a bit warmer than usual. I assume Desi is north of me. But where there are taxis, there is Uber.

Poor Mick said...

Man, dunno WHY I thought of it, but Inherent Vice was a great book, and really tough nut to crack as far as adapting it. I wonder if anyone could handle The Bleeding Edge and punt it through the suits,... is early 2000s not "retro" enough yet, maybe some of the subject matter a little too raw even still?

If you went after any of the big fish like Gravity's Rainbow or Against the Day you'd need a multi-movie deal, a music director, and probably like a half dozen animated supplements. You'd have to have Richard Kelly-sized cojones and/or a lot of help... but then I just saw Southland Tales and I'm really pissed off how that movie was essentially smothered in the crib.

Sorry, I can't help when my dweeb reflex hits. Anyway: sure sounds like a wild night! Now if only this'd been when everyone had a multi-megapixel camera in their pocket... ah well. Glad it all ended well. Thanks for all the stories, and looking forward to more if this wasn't some kind of unofficial retirement ceremony.

Sara, Making It Work said...

@Poor Mick,
Oh gosh, I hope this isn't the end of the Himmmm blinds. I couldn't bear it!

@Himmmm (the one posting in the comments), are you Himmmm #1? I just have to say, the Silver Lake home you described in the last blind was to die for. Pure real estate porn. How could you give it up?
Thanks, and cheers! These are a lot of fun. Looking forward to see what Himmmms 3 & 4 have to say.

Unknown said...

Great story.

Desi Derium said...

I’m officially adding it to my bucket list that I someday want to go on a crosss-country car trip with Paul Thomas Anderson, Richard Linklater, and Cameron Crowe. The music choices alone would be *amazing*!!

aanjheni said...

This feels like a Himmmm swan song or retirement (from CDAN) speech.

I hope not. I really enjoy their posts and comments.

Drumstixx said...

Thanks Himmm I really enjoy reading these stories. They make me really miss the 90's. Well done @V I think you nailed it!

Angela said...

So...
A then rather unknown Paul Thomas Anderson went in 1997 to the premiere of a movie starring Jerry Springer, met Jaime Pressly through a mutual female friend, left the after-party with them, to escape Pressly's violent ex, then hid on the lot at Fox, where Pressly and the sexy Iranian friend, the three of them in various degrees of drunkness, started to flirt until alcohol, bodily fluids and security caught up with them.

The story may have indeed happened to Paul Thomas Anderson. You'll get why I have no qualms writing his name that bluntly. Boogie Nights was released domestically in October 1997, and Ringmaster more than a year later, so PTA was already a household name at this point. Also, the big scene from Boogie Nights involving a gun, Alfred Molina and issues with mix tapes played with auto reverse, is reportedly based on gossip about the death of Larry Williams (a rhythm 'n' blues singer in the style of Little Richard, The Beatles covered a few of his titles), not on this tale, as it took long after Boogie Nights was shot.

Also, at various points in the story we get reminded that this particular Himmmm is a great writer. Paul Thomas Anderson is indeed a great writer. But one of PTA's trademarks, particularly in his recent films, is his ability to leave things unsaid, with the audience having to fill the gaps with their imagination (or common sense). The point of Inherent Vice was that it was filled with plot holes, a Pynchon trademark. Life is a mystery impossible to proceed, but we try to make sense of it anyway, even if it drives us to paranoia. Have any of you heard about the 10 rules of good writing by Elmore Leonard? This blind doesn't just piss on them. It previously drunk one entire jerrycan of gasoline, then peed on them, then lit a match to burn them, then had to go to the hospital because the blind had clumsily burnt its worldly hands in the process, then returned the next day to check the scarred remains, peed again, then took a dump on them, unload a whole magazine of AR-15 (MAGA!), and finally uploaded a selfie with the remains on Instagram, for everybody to see "This is what great writing looks like! #RIPElmore #NoIDidn'tBrokeUpWFionaBecauseSheCaughtMeInBedWithEstellaWarren"

To make it short, it's poorly written and constructed. The flashback structure (shades of Memento or, gasp, The Hangover) is as hacky as a Ryan Lochte alibi, it's filled with unnecessary details, and this looks like a story told to a friend where "you had to be there" that never realizes that the friends were indeed not there, and will never be there. And the guy who put this together hasn't a great cinematographic eye, as the long time spent talking about the Darth Vader mural illustrates.

Nevermind, it may have happened to PTA, who shared it with his own friends. But it's definitely not written by writer/director Paul Thomas Anderson, a guy with four kids currently in the middle of a major Oscar campaign for Phantom Thread, who wouldn't spend two or three hours putting together this overlong and poorly written anonymous story about events from two decades ago on a blog. He wouldn't have allowed a first draft like that being in the open. (part 1 of 2)

Angela said...

My guess is quite obvious. Some of these events may have happened to PTA, who spoke about them at the time with some accointances, including at least one guy who was into the March 1998 Playboy pictorial of Jaime Pressly, particularly her butt. Then, either directly or through the grapevine, somebody wrote the entire story in a style that tries to approximate what literature is supposed to be, without being actually very talented at this (the guy who put this together has obviously never tried to write a script). The writer may have added a few other details to make it look more Anderson-esque, but he tried to embellish the story, in a unsatisfying way.

This is actually not the first time Himmmm tries to take credit for a story that didn't happened to him directly. A few years ago, there was this story where a reunion by The Smiths almost happened, and Himmmm was at the party it took place, and he wanted to share it exclusively with YOU. Problem is that the story was first published in Britain, in a Q Special Edition of 2004.

So, as always, take what you read with a huge grain of salt. This isn't Paul Thomas Anderson sharing some event from two decades ago with you. It's some guy who heard about the old PTA story and who tries to convince you he was there.

lucy said...

I bet you are real hit at parties, and speaking of parties we all know the smiths reunion never happened because Morrissey is serial killer
(wink wink slash slash)

off to google jaimie in Playboy I wanna see that ass! (splash splash)

Angela said...

Serial killer, qu'est-ce que c'est ?

The reason for which I'm making these points is that, due to these stories and anecdotes, people assume that the rest of the blind items published here must also be true. While these stories are just second-hand tales with a lot of added elements.

For the record, I'm not sure that PTA would have been that impressed with seeing Jaime Pressly in her underwear, given that, just a few months before, he had directed the nude (even full frontal) debut of Heather Graham.

Himmmm said...

@Angela: Please post the link to where you claim Himmmm says he was at a party/Smiths/reuniting. Can you please?

Because you said:
"This is actually not the first time Himmmm tries to take credit for a story that didn't happened to him directly. A few years ago, there was this story where a reunion by The Smiths almost happened, and Himmmm was at the party it took place, and he wanted to share it exclusively with YOU. Problem is that the story was first published in Britain, in a Q Special Edition of 2004."

If you're going to attempt to call me or my cohorts LIARS? And this is your proof? Please back it up. Would LOVE to see this story upon which you claim to base your cries of "they're all fake""CDAN is bullshit", etc. Just post the link to that story.
Can you please?

lucy said...

I like the talking point of not caring about pressly in panties because of seeing Heather Graham's boobs LOL. entirely different context.
I just so happened to search "Jamie pressly butt" as I was tossing delicious chocolate glazed donut into my mouth and I swear it will be a long time before I eat another. that girl is rockin. if I had a printer I'd paste her on my freezer so I'd never eat Good Humor® chocolate eclair bars either. anyhow. I Believe.

(this space reserved for Angela's link)



Bubble said...

I never get people who are sticking to pages/artists/bands and constantly criticizing them and calling out on bullshit lol. I would never say that to anyone who I like and enjoy their work, that's rude.

Just because things like that don't happen to some people, doesn't mean it can't happen to someone else.

Desi Derium said...

The Himmmms have never, in my opinion, given anyone a reason to suspect what they’re posting isn’t 100% factual. And awesome.
Kinda don’t get the Jaime/Heather Graham thing. Just because I eat an amazing pepperoni pizza one night doesn’t mean that I can’t appreciate an equally amazing, but different, sausage pizza a few nights later.
Not the best analogy, I know. But I’m tired. And hungry.

Angela said...

My bad. It wasn't actually a HIMMM story. It was a regular, and very long, Enty story posted on June 23, 2015 (it helps when you know how to use Google).

http://www.crazydaysandnights.net/2015/06/four-for-friday-idea.html
http://www.crazydaysandnights.net/2015/06/today-blind-item-idea-part-two.html
http://www.crazydaysandnights.net/2015/06/today-blind-item-idea-part-three.html

It was written in the same meandering style as this story, hence my mistake.

But my main point still stands. The story makes a big effort to make an unnamed Paul Thomas Anderson look good, merely a victim of circumstances, who did nothing wrong and retells an event on which ultimately he has fond memories, but the narration itself is rather clumsy and looks nothing like the works of the guy who wrote The Master or Phantom Thread, or adapted a reportedly unadaptable novel. The storytelling shows very few signs of the wit of his dialog, or the visual imagery that's at hand in his films (which should, logically, infuse even his regular writing).
If it were a third person narration, some details would look outlandish, but it wouldn't be very bothering. Suggesting that a major American director spends time writing a 5,500 word story on such a minor event of his life for a gossip website (rather than talking about his memories of Philip Seymour Hoffman, Robert Altman, or Thomas Pynchon) and writing it with not a hint of his verve (that you can catch even in his recent interviews) rings fake and hollow.
You see, he may have experienced such a hectic night, and he may have told others about it, but he would definitely not write about this 20 years after it happened, as if it were the highlight of his life, and write about this so badly.
(And if you want to highlight my poor syntax and risky grammar, go ahead, English is not my first language, so I'll take it.)

So, narratively, the choice to tell all this in the first person may bring some authority and credentials, compared to acknowledging it's a second hand story, but any clumsiness in the writing highlights that it's definitely not a gifted writer like PTA who wrote this.

Then comes the second issue, which is that this kind of direct storytelling by supposedly major players in Hollywood is also an endorsement (by celebrities such as RDJ or PTA) of the rest of the site, where there has been a recent focus on child molesting, murders (Marvin Gaye as a serial killer), and outlandish claims, to say the least. For instance, according to a BI published 12 days ago, Stanley Kubrick was apparently a serial rapist:

http://www.crazydaysandnights.net/2018/02/todays-blind-items-direct-this.html

So, my question is: how would the real PTA, who has always spoken reverently of Stanley Kubrick, and who is a huge Kubrick freak (he went as far as using in Magnolia the very same recording of Thus Spoke Zarathustra featured in 2001: A Space Odyssey), how would PTA react to a blog where it's hinted that Kubrick raped a bunch of 7 or 8-year-old girls on the set of 2001 and had built a homemade collection of extreme child porn?
I guess it's a valid question...

Angela said...

Oh, by the way...

The Hugh Hefner archive story, where there was all this unique material that had otherwise never seen the light of day? The Ted Turner being pegged by Jane Fonda video was mentioned ten or fifteen years ago in an interview by a PI specialized in such cases (he had material, for instance, material like a tape where Chuck Berry asked a prostitute to fart on his face). He had seen it, but he wasn't sure that they were the two people in the video.
I don't challenge the existence of this tape, as I have no clue about it, I just doubt that it would be described as one of the biggest secrets in the vault, while word of mouth has definitely spread about it.

Poor Mick said...

Angela, that's just kind of the nature of the site. There's a reason that blinds put forward by "Himmmm" or "Mr. X" or "Mr. Hedge" are identified as such, versus the usual churn of cocaine, cheating, and reality stars I've never heard of in the generic Enty-submitted items. The site exists in a space that relies on ambiguity, because even a rumor mill with primary sources is still a rumor mill. Nobody's going to bat a thousand, and nobody likes to get sued for libel, so the gray area it is. I've sure got my qualms about not just leaving beards and lavender marriages and closeted performers alone, but then I'm new to the gossip thing. An acquired taste, I guess.

The "endorsement" of leaking dirt or fun stories here isn't a blanket thing, and even if it was I'm sure there are plenty of people having reckonings with the artists behind their favorite art these days, other artists included, no? If (again, hard to confirm at the moment!) Kubrick was a serial child rapist, then that's disgusting and should be known. But then that doesn't devalue The Shining. But then that wouldn't excuse him either. And so on and so on; the dynamics aren't that simple.

As for trying to analyze the writing style, it says at the top that this is how it was relayed and written not by the original storyteller but a "scribe" who probably has their own... unique touch. It's not a carefully crafted masterpiece, no, but it's a conversational tone of a wild story, probably meant as a rejoinder to the Pallbearers of Elvis blind. Seems self-contradictory you're suspicious about how long the post is and at the same time wondering where all the literary craft is.

If you really wanna get technical, plot holes aren't really a Pynchon trademark more than a device for that one book, because it was about a stoner detective and that's funny. Sure he works in magic realism (diving down a toilet, roving balloonist adventures, multiple instances of characters fucking cars, etc.) but he usually keeps things pretty tight.

And knowing at least one of the Himmmms has flashed his blade before when called out here, if Angela doesn't want to believe anything on here, or have her doubts about the origin of the story, then that's her right. Doubt and aspersions are good for the site because of that handy dandy aforementioned cloaking feature. It's the comments section, not the field of honor. (Two probably couldn't be further from each other if you tried, heh.)

Of course I'd love to hear about Pynchon, too, but on a site that spends a measurable percentage of its entries on Real Housewives I think that going with gunfire, booze binges and beautiful half-naked starlets is called "knowing your audience" y'know?

Himmmm said...

"Angela" - thank you.
I also want to thank you for your compliments, even those which you probably didn't realize you were giving my cohorts and I. I'd love to do this with you all day, but unfortunately other obligations exist. I just wanted to remind you of a few things, which have been stated many times. First, that there's 4 of us. My cohort who related this adventure to me, whomever he may be, did so orally. I wrote it from his story. This is a blog, not a movie, screenplay or novel. A blog.

Secondly, to remind you that my cohorts and I are NOT Enty. The Enty is a legend, and an impressive person, bacon and all. Likewise, none of us Himmmms comment under aliases. CDAN is an UN-MODERATED blog, which is why people can comment anything they wish. So if people want to gang-tackle George Lucas, Kubrick or anyone? They can. It's not my job to defend him and my cohorts and I have NEVER posted anything bad about him. So please, my friend, understand, you can crap on me, Kubrick, or whomever. Go crazy. Not sure what good it does but I don't shave your face in my mirror in the morning either.

Lastly, I'll leave this tidbit here to ponder:

A lady once stood at the bookstore counter, ripping hell into the clerk about the new Thomas Pynchon novel. "No way did he write this! I've been reading and studying Pynchon forever! Wrote my doctoral thesis on him! This book reads like a fan wrote it! It's total dog shit!".
The man standing beside the clerk introduced himself: "I'm Thomas Pynchon, nice to meet you."
The lady laughed and snorted: "Bullshit! He'd NEVER have long hair and look or talk like YOU pal! You're some Bronx Hippie". She threw the book down and stormed off outside.
Pynchon looked at the clerk and shrugged: "Another REAL fan of my work, huh? Sure wish I could meet this perfect Pynchon everyone imagines."

Thomas Pynchon told me that story himself.

Sometimes our "gods" fail us. Like Bill Cosby. Rarely are they ever as perfect as in our dreams. Because, for certain - no big-shot Hollywood type would EVER deign to do "normal" things like normal people. Like kids' carpool. Or guest in a blog.

Have a great week my friends! We'll have another story later in the week sent to Enty. Be well.

Desi Derium said...

Thank you again, Himmmm. This post and thread made my week, as it did many others.
You be well, also.

DonnaMarie said...

That moment when Elaine goes off on fake "Paul blah blah blah raining frogs movie" Anderson. We ALL still CRANK a Fiona song when it comes on the radio-NO ONE watches "your" movies anymore. They are garbage.

and BTW who's "your" proof reader? Trasha? SMGDH

lucy said...

I've met lampshades with better material than you. go to bed

Sara G said...

I really do hope this is Paul Thomas Anderson because I think the world would be just a little brighter if he was sending in personal stories to a Hollywood gossip blog.

rosie riveter said...

This made my day. I giggled through the entirety of Angela's posts, just so happy that someone can trump myself when it comes to over thinking and accidently pressing "publish" before you really should.
Mine are usually drunk tho.
Wait. Angela are you drinking Steel Reserve? It will convince you to hit "publish" way before you should.

Love this story, especially the "real Pynchon" anecdote!
Ive never met anyone famous to be able to say they let me down. Well, I did meet the TBN guy 23 years ago, Paul crouch? I was young and had my first coffee shop, small town outside of Portland Oregon. I'd seen him on my grandmas tv and told him so, but I added that "every old person I KNOW watches you! " and he said "well...a lot more than just old people watch me" and he wasn't happy nor did he have the love of Jesus radiating from him. And he took that big white mustache and walked out, didn't even order a latte

Nubian Princess said...

Exactly. Go to bed Angela. Take a Xanax, might loosen up the stick up your ass. Excuse my grammer/syntax.

Brayson87 said...

On some level, even it's just a little, everyone hates their fans. Ferris Bueller said it best, "you can't respect somebody who kisses your ass. It just doesn't work."

Leaders have it worse lol. I've never known a leader who didn't fantasize once a day about all their followers suddenly drowning or falling off a cliff. It's like thousands of complainers expecting you to solve all their problems.

Sal Salington said...

It's a second-hand retelling of an oral story. That's about a trillion billion zillion miles from a screenplay obsessively written and re-written (and rerererererererererererere-written) over years. You'd have to be a fool to make a call on the teller based on that. Just sayin'.

I dunno if this is PTA or not. The details fit. I admit it if it truly was, I would probably take even some of Enty's wilder tales more seriously. That's not a totally valid way to think, but I'd probably do it anyway.

RE: the "Kubrick" blind, though, it's not Enty's fault that the guesses her are often so god-awful. That's on us, the commenters. Even when someone blatantly doesn't fit, sometimes the groundlings get fixated on them as the answer.



Raspy said...

Thank you for being one of the few on here with half a brain. I cringe at the others thrilled to be given a glimpse of "Hollywood life!" meanwhile it's lame has beens and "oh yeah, I kinda remember her" types enacting basically any college night. And poorly written at that.

lucy said...

against my better judgement I am going to say what it is I wasn't going to say as my true sole purpose once I hit this post was to silently revisit Her Butt because I am currently laying here contemplating ordering a delicious pizza with tiny side salad with stuff in it or quick delivery of generously portioned mouthwatering Mediterranean. I have a banana and a box of good & plentys and honestly I still don't know which way this is going to go but I will say this. back in the day mid 90s while some were jetsetting with hotties I established an AOL account , not my proudest achievement and boy was I the shit when webtv hit the scene lol. anyhow wasn't long after I recreated a name which implied I was lesbian as I was tired of the age/sex/location antics I just wanted to communicate , have a few laughs and kick around some ideas. I used to frequent a couple select haunts. Russia Room being my favorite( I communicated through Beatles songs,was awesome) but of course I cruised the halls of my home state. well after building a rapport with my comrades (which abruptly ended the night of ‘the mixer’) LOL omg such a long story but so horrifyingly awful LOL I'll cut to the end, good stolen idea! - I walked into bar where they all had “hello my name is___” tags with their screenames (born without tongues?) and line dancing, yes line dancing to You Dropped a Bomb on Me” lmfao I kid you not. I bailed.
anyhow previous to this I had bullshitted with them for months and then quite suddenly there was this shift in the room where everyone decided I was not a girl but a masquerading man and it was so asinine and comical to me . it was rather funny till it wasn't because it was frustrating and then jenny38dd (not his real name) chimes in to say ok if you are really a woman what is the tool a gynecologist uses to examine you. wtf hell if I know and the whole room erupted into this “see! see! told you that's a man”

LOL it was then I discovered some shit just isn't worth the struggle. I know who I am and spending 8 seconds trying to prove or deny my identity to 10inchesOfSteve or BlondeBeth19 is eight seconds too many. the internet is beautiful way to interact and communicate with people and worlds and cultures I most likely never would and I really like it for that and nothing or no one is going to change that for me or ever get under my skin again well of course people will get on my nerves but again it's a fun place and anonymity is beautiful thing where we can choose to say as little or as much as we want of ourselves and The Others can respectively choose to accept or not.

to close let me just entirely non-sequitur to say I enjoy the stories because as much as we(youuuu) have grown up in different worlds we all grew up in mirror image of drunken (mis)adventures and flashes of time where lifelong memories are sealed. you in fancy cars surrounded in stars and I in a car that could only make right turns so I had to *really* think about where I was going. ahh youth. youth and now. fun times. to more! (cheers!)


TLDR: I am just going to eat my banana, thanks Jaime!

KittensRUs said...

LOVE these crazy Hollywood blinds!

For those of you who are crying "too long" - seriously? Have you ever read a book or is your attention span limited to memes?

I'll take every long crazy Hollywood story blind I can get, and they're a refreshing change from child porn/murder/rape.

Clarisse McClellan said...

I liked this blind.

But I disagree- Fiona Apple is not a flash in the pan. She's hit a few bumps along the way, but she is an incredible lyricist, singer and pianist. I'm a fan.

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